Am I Being Sexually Harassed Over Here?

black-and-white-shoes-stiletto-3420To be employed is to be sexually harassed. It doesn’t matter how much money they pour into work trainings and seminars, you’re going to spend 40 hours of your week hearing about who banged who in the back of a patrol car or sitting in meetings with a guy who claims to know the various shades of South American hookers’ tatas.

I can’t take any of this seriously because the lawsuits would never end. I think my favorite was the guy who told me he hoped I’d learned my lesson after my abusive ex sent my scandalous photos to our coworkers.  Of course— if my ex had been my boss then I probably would have gotten a promotion, just like the woman who was sleeping with our chief legal counsel. [Read more…]

Here’s Why I’m The World’s Worst Feminist

Why I'm Embracing Traditional Gender Roles  via @AussaLorens #funny #humor #relationships #love #marriage #HackerNinjaHookerSpyAlex and I have been engaging in a very volatile practice known as “pre-marital counseling.” Prior to beginning, we had to fill out a very long list of questions about our communication style, family background, etc. Alex took a look at it then texted me:

“You’re going to have fun with some of these questions. LOL.” [Read more…]

How To Fake Your Way To a Successful Career

Fake It Till You Make It At WorkWhen I was 23 years old– just a few months before I caught a one way flight to China– I got a tattoo on my hand.  I intentionally chose my hand because I knew I would never be able to conceal it.  I wanted to see it every single day, to remember what it means but also as a sort of guarantee that I’d never find myself stuck in a humdrum, soul-sucking professional career.

Oh 23 year old Aussa, you were so cute and stupid. [Read more…]

Nothing Causes Family Drama Like a Wedding

Unconventional Wedding PlanningWe’re all aware I’m pretty much living a fairytale over here, so it should come as no surprise that my dear Mother had an absolutely adorable response when I told her I’m getting married. 

She told me to go to therapy.

It wasn’t immediate—she listened as I detailed our plans for the venue, the date, and the honeymoon. It was when I mentioned my four older brothers would walk me down the aisle that her face twisted in shock, hurt, and outrage. [Read more…]

10 Signs Your Man is Cheating on You

Untitled design (50)One of the most important pieces of advice for a writer is to “write what you know.” While this is a relatively short list for someone of my incompetence, I can truthfully say the experience of infidelity is one I’m all too familiar with. The knowledge before you was born from my experience with guys who had secret fiancés, decade-long girlfriends they failed to mention, and a revolving door of bedmates just waiting to pounce.  Don’t worry– Alex is not on the list.  I just don’t want you guys to think I’ve gone soft.  [Read more…]

This is a Disaster. And I Love It.

Untitled design (25)My coworker Mandi is on medical leave for the next few weeks and its completely disrupting my flow. It’s impossible to tell what might happen from day to day in this Godforsaken hell hole—Nurses threatening to kill each other, the exploration of underground tunnels,  or the perhaps public meltdown of someone who doesn’t know how glove compartments work.  But there is one thing I can always count on, and that’s my mandatory morning meeting. Every day from 9:01AM to whenever I have to pee, I am in Mandi’s office. [Read more…]

Five Things I’ll Blog about after I’m Fired

5 Things I'll Blog About After I'm Fired via @AussaLorensI’ve received many a comment, message, or email regarding the danger of blogging about certain things a bit too much—some of my stories about work can be a bit revealing. Then again, they don’t exactly violate HIPPA or identify the people in question. I imagine the day they sit me down to talk about my blog going something like this:

“You have a blog and you blogged about us and it is bad, BAD.” [Read more…]

Sometimes It Pays To Be Creepy

Sometimes It Pays To Be Creepy via @AussaLorensActually—I’d say it’s almost always beneficial to be creepy. Following this most innate of behaviors has led to many a happy ending and/or blog fodder.  Last weekend Alex and I went shopping for his wedding band—which is to say we spent a max of about 20 minutes at Zales before I said “yep that works” and handed them my debit card. I then made him “quickly stop in” every other store that struck my fancy for the next hour and a half. [Read more…]

Three Things We Should Be Excited About

Untitled design (70)There’s snow on the ground, which I find unspeakably oppressive.  Winter is terrible—I know it has something to do with bugs dying or Greek myths about kidnapping women, but I’ve had enough.  My only comfort is getting to watch everyone freak out about the impending snowpocalypse as they fight to the death over the last loaf of gluten-free quinoa buns.  Speaking of fighting to the death, there are a few things on the horizon that warm me with hope: [Read more…]

GUEST POST: I’m Not Homeless, These Are My Pajamas

Untitled design (72)I’m going to begin harassing the hell out of you guys about my impending nuptials, but I don’t want to act like life is only magical and happy.  Nothing isolates us like pretending things are always okay, or refusing to acknowledge the darker parts of our past.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s in those dark places that we get the chance to become the people we want to be when the happy stuff finally shows up.  That being said– Angelle [Read more…]

All My Coworkers Are Banging Each Other

My Coworkers Are Banging Each Other via @AussaLorensWhen I first moved back to America,  I watched a shite-ton of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. Shleisel had just had her baby and I was on infant night shift, so it seemed like a reasonable use of my time. Lest you accuse me of wasting opportunity, I promise the show engaged my intellect—especially when I spent an entire evening creating an elaborate chart to document which characters had slept with each other. I’d share it here but I’m like 4 seasons behind now, and no one likes old data. [Read more…]