I Blessed The Rains Down In Africa

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Guys, I’m back.  It took a little longer than expected for me to recover from jet lag—in the meantime, I put up some sort of offensive sign in my front yard and started an entire propaganda campaign at work.  Apparently time zone changes + lack of sleep = street Aussa. 

Anyways.  Africa.  AFRICA!

Alex and I went there for about ten days.  To coincide with the end of my restraining order against my ex but also because CARPE YOLO and we’ve been married an entire four months so it was time for a second honeymoon. [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

10 Douchey Things People Say (with translations)

Cute, curly woman showing middle finger

It’s one thing to have to deal with bad drivers, rude retail workers, and overzealous mall walkers, but it’s the people closest to your life that pose the greatest threat. From best friends to sisters-in-law to playground moms, the attack can come from anywhere. Next time you find yourself navigating the waves of passive aggression, feel free to use the following guide:

Someone says: “Sorry, I’m just super competitive.”

Translation: “I’m always on the lookout for an opportunity to make myself look better by destroying another person’s self-worth.”

How You Should Respond: “No, you’re just an asshole.”

[Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

My Restraining Order Expires in a Week

after restraining order expiresMy restraining order expires in a week.  It’s weird saying that– maybe not because of what it actually means but because that means it’s been three years since I had to face my ex in court and tell a judge why I was afraid of him.  

It’s not the sort of experience I ever planned on having.  I didn’t dream of growing up to become a woman who got involved with a man who degraded her, mistreated her, threatened her, and made her lose time and energy off of her life.  Being in an abusive relationship is like being possessed.  So often you don’t even realize until after the fact just how bad it was.

There’s the abusive relationship, there’s the leaving, and then there’s the HOLY SHIT process of realizing what you just went through.

I cannot believe it has been three years. [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

My Husband Keeps Falling For Me (Literally)

husband fell down stairsAlex and I were getting ready for bed the other night when State of Grace” came on Pandora.  I was suddenly struck with an inspired frenzy—the sort of thing that can only be brought on by some impromptu T. Swift.  I jumped on the bed and began dancing.  Alex was pre-fluffing his pillow and quickly caught the contagious energy of the moment.  He jumped to join me– only he wasn’t interested in actually dancing.  Instead, he assumed a wrestlers stance with feet spread wide, body hunched and arms up, ready to attack. 

“No,” I screamed, “this moment is for dancing!”

This did nothing to dissuade him.  He looked ready to pounce, so I did what I always do in such situations: I fell dead weight onto the bed, knowing my ninja skills are much more effective in a horizontal situation.  He followed suit, using me as his landing pad, and I quickly bucked his weight off of me. He went flying much further than I anticipated, his face twisting from elation to bewilderment. [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

Make Way For The Asylum Parade

Full Width Blog Image (55)My new boss has come up with a great idea to reduce the stigma of mental illness.  In honor of Mental Health Day in October she’s decided we should have a parade through the center of the city.  She called me into her office. 

“Aussa?  Do you have a moment to join us?”

A well dressed and frightened young man sat across from her conference table.  He quickly brought me up to speed on their plan.  He’d suggested an open house at the hospital, but she thought a parade would make more of a “splash” and be an important part of her legacy. 

“I don’t know much about parades,” I said, which was my way of saying “please don’t make me be involved in this, please don’t make me be involved in this.”

She went on to explain her clusterf*ck of an idea and I quickly changed my mind.  I DEFINITELY wanted to be involved in anything that reeks of such stupidity and short sightedness. 

Here’s the breakdown of her big stigma-busting idea: [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

We Who Are About To Parent, Salute You!

We Who Are About To Parent, Salute You! via @AussaLorensA couple times a year Alex and I are sentenced to the torment of our church’s nursery.  It’s all very noble and self-sacrificial and allows parents a break from their offspring.  I should feel honored– but it mostly gives me an overwhelming sense of desperation.  I don’t know what to do with other people’s children. In my family we throw them in the air, tell them they smell funny, then shoot them with a Nerf gun.  There were exactly zero guns in the church nursery.  I was at a loss and I missed the entire orientation part because I was swiftly assigned the duty of holding a little girl as she screamed “Mom! Back!” [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

The 2015 BlogH(at)er Conference

Full Width Blog Image (49)I keep waiting for my negative feelings to subside, so I can write something cheerful.  But the desperation with which I fled from the BlogHer Conference this past weekend—knocking over elderly people, toddlers, and veterans—has yet to leave me.  That’s the best summary of what happened at the conference, really:  I turned into a horrible person that offended everyone. [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

Sorry Guys, I’m Selling Out

Sorry Guys, I'm Selling Out via @AussaLorens | HackerNinjaHookerSpyI really thought it wouldn’t come to this, but something strange has happened over the last few months—I’ve been making money.  NOT as an overpaid and underqualified professional—but as a WRITER.  Hold the phone, Shut the front door, can we say that again?

I’ve been making money as a writer.

Okay, so it’s barely enough to pay my rent, but it is actual American cash dollars. [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

Dildo Theory & Other Mysteries

Full Width Blog Image (45)I’m done trying to figure out what’s going on.  With anything.  With everything!  It all seems so subjective.   I’m going to go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may.  I don’t think I can trust myself anymore—my perception is all askew.   I dropped a French fry a few minutes ago.  It was covered in special sauce and it plopped onto the armrest of the chair I was sitting in, splattering special bits all over the place.  I immediately thought “oh my God, this is how the rest of my day is going to go, nothing is going to work out.”  Then I was like “wait, it could have landed on this dress and then I would have to actually launder my clothes after wearing them.  This is a miracle.  I can do anything today.” [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

My Dog Needs To Go To Rehab

My Dog Needs Rehab via @AussaLorensZola is my spirit animal.  Seriously, it’s like my entire existence is wrapped up in chubby animal form.  We have the same personality quirks, annoying habits, and various stupidities.  Remember how I had a mysterious mass inside of me?  Well apparently we also suffer the same health issues because some foreign object decided to take up residence on Zola’s body.   I took her to the vet and they told me to “ignore it and see what happens.”   Excuse me?  This is my favorite medical advice ever.  In fact, maybe I should be my own doctor because this is the sort of thing I tell myself all the time.   [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).

My Husband Has A Secret Online Identity

My Husband Has A Secret Online Identity via @AussaLorens | HackerNinjaHookerSpy

I’m a little sensitive about this secret internet identities.  My father had his whole closeted thing and my ex used a burner phone to pretend he was me. Yet here I am, dealing it with it again and this time from Alex.  It all started on a slow night when I was determined to be productive but Alex had run out of things to do. One thing led to another and he was stalking me on Google, trying to figure out how well I ranked against the Aussa Sultanate and Yu Gi Oh character by the same name. Eventually he ended up here on my site, trawling through the comments section.

“I should mess with your readers and start replying back.” [Read more…]

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Let's stop trying to do anything other than whatever we want, shall we? That's my goal here.  If you want to join in, be sure to get on my mailing list-- you'll get twice-weekly posts, exclusive content (coming soon) and a chance to win whatever kick-ass book I'm reading each month.  Also, like me on Facebook.  It makes me feel like I have friends (without having to leave my house).