I Almost Died on Thursday

I Almost Died On Thursday @AussaLorensOkay, that’s an exaggeration.  But I did get in a car accident and it was definitely in Hi-Def slow-mo.  More and more I’m beginning to believe in The Secret—that whatever you put out into the universe comes back to bite you in the arse like a table-turning biatch. Because as I pulled out of work that afternoon, I had no intention of going back the next day. I was going to play hooky and go Christmas shopping. I’d just sent The Feyonce a voice message, saying we should bail on the gym and eat lamb curry instead.

And then, I looked up and everything went all movie-like. There was a car barreling towards me from a side street. [Read more…]

The Big Reveal: Who Is Gooseberry?

We went back to visit the house where all the horrors occurred.

We went back to visit the house where all the horrors occurred.

I’m not sure I’ve ever received so many threats of death or bodily harm as I did in the comments of my last post–  just because I strung you along without revealing who Gooseberry is. I also got a phone call from Sars, who had a dozen questions over why I hadn’t included all sorts of things, like:

1. The dead animals- these were left in the locked back yard, and in my closet.

2. I actually moved three times- There was one other apartment where I lived, but it also got broken into with more stuff being stolen. [Read more…]

I’ve Found A Scapegoat For All My Bad Choices

Untitled design (49)This blog is built on the premise that “some mistakes are too good not to share,” but I’d be lying if I denied that I’d happily allow someone else to accept the blame for my litany of poor choices. In fact—I was having an enlightened conversation about television shows with Gunmetal Geisha a while back and [Read more…]

How I Got Rid Of My Stalker

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Old facebook account tells me this was February 17, 2009

It became quite clear there was nothing I could do to protect myself from my stalker, AKA Gooseberry.  I’d moved, gotten an alarm, installed flood lights, and changed the locks three times.  It didn’t matter. All he’d done was use these things against me.  I felt incredibly powerless– like no matter what I did or where I went, he’d never leave me alone. The only option was to change the game. If he wanted to stake me out, learn my patterns, and hit me when I least expected it, the least I could do was make it frustrating for him. [Read more…]

Five Men I’ve Run Into After Blogging About Them

Untitled design (48)Obviously I blog about a lot of people that are in my daily life—like my coworker Mandi (who knows about the blog) and The Goat Man (who most certainly does not), as well as a whole slew of whacked out psych ward employees. But then there are those that I blog about whilst under the impression that I’ll never see them again, or that—at the very least—the contact will be distant and minimal. But no. Because the universe is an asshole. [Read more…]

I Don’t Think This Belongs In My Vagina

imageOne of my favorite things ever is when someone in my life gives express permission for me to blog about them. Just last week I got a text from my coworker Mandi.

“Come to my office NOW. I have something for you to blog about.”

Half an hour before this she’d been on an epic tampon-hunt that had taken both of us to the bottoms of our purses and the backs of our glove boxes. The lack of tampon is a huge problem in this building, because there are only three of us females who are still menstruating. [Read more…]

This Is The Scariest Thing That’s Ever Happened To Me

Untitled design (52)After my last post about the stalker—AKA Gooseberry— a lot of you asked whether I’d ever called the police. The answer is yes– I’d called them three times since everything began. One week later, I called them again.

It was Tuesday evening and Sars was in class. Technically, I was also in that class but college rendered me gloriously truant. We hadn’t changed the locks since the week before, because we’d already done so twice. It felt useless. Instead, we just pushed furniture in front of our doors when we slept at night, and talked in whispers because it seemed like he was always listening. [Read more…]

I Bought A Wedding Dress And Everyone Else Got Drunk

Custom (10)I bought a wedding dress a few weeks ago. I can’t post it on here, of course, because every so often The Feyonce likes to secretly stalk the blog and search for his name—just to see what sorts of secrets and private moments I’m sharing. I think it’s bad luck for him to see it beforehand, and lord knows I don’t need any more bad luck.

But there’s plenty more to talk about, because believe me– the dress itself was hardly the most interesting part of the day.  In fact, I learned quite a few things whilst subjecting myself to the torments of wedding dress shopping. [Read more…]

The Threat Grows Closer

Untitled design (51)If I’ve learned anything about this ridiculous life I’m living, it’s that you can take power away from something by laughing at it. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less dangerous. When a stranger broke into my home and stole my most private possessions, I left a snarky note in response. But that didn’t stop him. Instead, he followed me to my new house and christened it with rotten meat before knocking out the power. The more things happened, the more difficult it became to laugh about the fact there was someone out there who was watching closely enough to torment me on a flexible schedule. [Read more…]

This Shite Just Goat Serious

Untitled design (34)Obviously my new favorite thing to freak out about is the fact I’m getting married. Why would I ride the wave of this joyous occasion when I can, in fact, use it as a justification for all manner of anxiety and whining? Still, there’s been one purely happy point to this whole thing– other than the fact I get to be married to Alex (Hi Feyonce, I love you)—and that is, goats.

They have been arriving in droves. [Read more…]

Your Personal Safety Is An Illusion

Untitled design (32)After my house was broken into, I stopped sleeping there. I stayed with family until I could get everything moved as quickly as possible. The stalker had already taken my computer and my journal, there was hardly anything private left to worry about. My brothers helped me with the heavy lifting, and within a day they’d gotten most everything out of there. The only things remaining were a stack of board games in the top of my closet, which I’d tried to keep them from discovering, since half of them originally belonged to them in the first place. Other than that, it was just a roll of toilet paper and a little Ewok figurine I’d tied to the fan pull chain that hung from the vaulted ceiling. [Read more…]

I Am Already So Good At Marriage

Untitled design (31)Alex and I are getting married in five or six months-ish. This has given me a whole new set of things to freak out about and threaten to destroy. I’m too poor for a wedding, so I’ve been suggesting we elope since the very beginning.  Each time, he shuts me down with a very effective set of questions: “Don’t you want to see your nieces all dressed in poofy dresses?” Dammit. Yes.

Being that I’m the offspring of shite, we’ll be financing the entire thing ourselves. This makes things a lot easier to plan: [Read more…]

I’ve Never Felt So Violated in My Entire Life

Untitled design (30)Despite the almost constant feeling of being watched,  I told myself it was just paranoia. I dismissed the red flags when a piece of my computer randomly vanished because it was easier to lie to myself than face the possibility that a stalker broke in while I wasn’t there. I continued my life of isolation, skipping class so I could stay up painting and writing until 4AM. Every night ended with me shutting out the lights and crawling into the bed I kept in the middle of my living room. [Read more…]

Reading About Anxiety is Giving Me Anxiety

Untitled design (16)When I was younger, I remember being told that “kids my age” always assume they’ll live forever.  I never thought this applied to me, but looking back I can see that I was a bit of a risk-taker.  I booked a flight to the most dangerous city in the world, backpacked in Asia by myself, and lived in a squat built atop a Superfund waste site.  None of this ever seemed all that risky to me, at least not in a way that gave me anxiety—in fact, I’m not sure I really believed in anxiety before I started working at the psych ward, though my psychotic ex-boyfriend  also gave me a proper introduction. [Read more…]

There’s A Slight Chance I’m A Future Serial Killer

imageI know I frequently position myself as the hapless victim in my stories—what with the prevalence of stalkers, weirdos, and unstable coworkers I deal with on a regular basis.  But I feel the need to be perfectly honest with you guys and admit that plenty of signs point to me as being a serial killer in the making. [Read more…]