I realized a couple months back that I need more female energy in my life. And because I’m a big fan of game plans and spreadsheets and strategies, I set out to attract the right kind of gal pal into my life. That is, I downloaded Bumble BFF.
Technically, Bumble is a dating app. I never thought I’d use a dating app because THANK THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW I managed to pin Alex down before Tinder became a thing. But it turns out this same app-based approach works for making non-sexy-times friends as well.
This is tough for me, because I’m a cave troll. I feel so fiercely protective of my time that I wonder whether I even have the ability to sustain any new friendships. But I spend so much of my time (let’s call it 40 hours a week) pretending to be normal and normal-functioning that I need some physical human beings I can sprinkle with all my manic energy. You know that person in your life who goes from office to office or room to room and tells the exact same story over and over in the exact same way and you’re like REALLY COULD YOU NOT?
Well, that’s me. But on the inside. I have all these thoughts stacking up and I’d like to dilute them by spreading them across an even field of friendlies. There’s a good chance this is just an elaborate attempt to ensure Alex doesn’t get sick of me because I simply cannot stop talking about random shite.
So, in case you’re in the same boat, here’s how Bumble BFF works:
Step One: Write your 300 character bio
Mine is something like “Hi I am super fun but hate people a little but am also full of light and love let’s meet for cheese”
Step Two: Upload six photos of yourself
My photos are a lie. You would think I spend my free time tromping about Moroccan villages whilst laughing exuberantly amongst my glamorous and wauldly attrauctive fraunds. It’s not my fault I’m a liar, I just rarely remember to snap photos when I’m fisting cheezits and making spreadsheets of creepy shite no one needs to know about.
Step Three: Set Your Distance Range
For me, like ten miles max. Because driving is hard when all you can think about is how you’re just 1 out of 7,000,000,000 on a blue dot in the vast nothingness of space.
Step Four: Link to Instagram and/or Spotify
Instagram, sure. I pretend to be an interesting person on there as well. But Spotify? HARD PASS. No one needs to know that my #1 artist for a solid two weeks in March was Kesha and/or that I basically listen to the same six songs on repeat (Toto’s Africa, One Night in Bangkok, Elastic Heart, Untouchable Face, Pursuit of Happiness, and Nothing Compares to You).
Step Five: Begin. That is, Swipe
Left Swipe = no thanks, bye. (98% of people get a Left Swipe)
Right Swipe = maybe we’re soulmates, but am I cool enough to be your friend?
After a certain point, the swiping becomes machine-like as every judgmental bone in your body is fully activated. [Read more…]
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