My New Boss Is A Complete Nightmare

My New Boss Is A Nightmare via @AussaLorens |HackerNinjaHookerSpyI probably shouldn’t blog about my new boss, but I can’t help it.  Remember how eager I was to get rid of the last guy?  I even threw him the most awkward retirement party the world has ever seen.  Well now my new boss is a woman—which felt like a victory at first.  I hoped for feminist badassery, mentorship and an end to the chronic misogyny of this godforsaken place. 

You know how well my hopes usually work out.  [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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How To Be A Cool Kid

How To Be A Cool Kid via @AussaLorensA while back I got some shade thrown my way.  Some of it was at me specifically, but most of it was vague and ambiguous and the sort of thing 97 out of a hundred people will always assume is directed at them. Either way, it left an unpleasant taste in my mouth.  I’m accustomed to random trolls who tell me my eyes are bulbous, my writing shallow, and I’m much fatter or skinnier than they thought.  But the “you’re just a cool kid” thing?  It triggers me into full-blown KILL. [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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I Will Never Feel Safe Again

I Will Never Feel Safe Again via @AussaLorens

I may be the only person in the entire world who enjoys writing thank you notes.  I feel like they’re an opportunity to say nice things to people without having to actually speak the words—you just write some words down and someone else delivers it for you.  Writing + Laziness = my favorite thing ever. [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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I Paid a Hipster To Write This Poem About Me

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A couple weeks ago Alex and I went to some sort of outdoor food festival thing.  I’m not really sure what it was called or what it was for, but it made us feel very social and very cool.  We spent the rest of the weekend patting each other on the back like “Look at us! We left the house, and it wasn’t just to go buy Cheezits!”

I like to save my extrovert points for things like BlogU because any time you leave the house you run the risk of running into someone you know.  [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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What I’ve Learned After Six Weeks of Marriage

Full Width Blog Image (1)Alex and I have been married for six weeks and I imagine you’re super sick of hearing about it.  I promise I’ve been holding back and trying to be on my best behavior—just like he and I did for the first week or so.  Now we’re back to our old ways: He’s keeping his clothes in the dryer and I have about 3 dozen K-cups stacked beside the Keurig because 18 inches is just too far to carry them to the trash bin.

The other day he asked if we could take my car when we went grocery shopping.

“Sure,” I said. “But we’ll have to stop by a dumpster if you want to use the trunk.  I put some trash in there because I wanted the house to look clean.” [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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This is What Really Goes On at a Blog Conference

Full Width Blog Image (10)I was a first time attendee at BlogU last weekend in Baltimore. When I checked in, the guy at the front desk asked whether I was traveling for business or pleasure and I wasn’t sure what to say— obviously this is all very fun, but I also want to write for a living.  I navigated this dichotomy by saying something along the lines of “I’m drunk right now!” [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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The Doctor Told Me I Have a “Mass”

Image via Cavale Doom

Image via Cavale Doom

A couple weeks ago I was brunching at some hipster place, sucking down mimosas, when someone repeatedly stabbed me in the gut.  At least, that’s what it felt like.  For half an hour I was doubled over, wincing while trying to make charming conversation.  The whole time I was thinking “All I want to do is go to the Apple Store after this.  But I think I need to go to the hospital.”

But of course I didn’t go to the hospital—You know me, I’d rather bleed to death first.  [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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Your “Oops Text” Isn’t Fooling Anyone

Full Width Blog Image (3)It’s possible I have a bit of a problem with snooping.  I don’t do it with people who are within my circle of trust—like Alex or any of my friends—but the rest of the randoms who fill my living hours?  Totally fair game. 

Back when I worked for AT&T we did this all the time.  I can’t caution you enough to NEVER let a cell phone employee take your phone “in the back.”  That’s just fancy speak for “copy all your nudies and bank account info.”  It’s sad what you can learn when you have access to someone’s phone—extramarital affairs, plots to overthrow the government, debilitating credit card debt.  I’ve seen it all. [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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My Wedding Photos Are Finally Here

Untitled design (7)Alex and I got married about a thousand years ago and have already had at least half a dozen near-death experiences.  It’s about time we finally get our wedding photos back.  I want you to know– despite the fact these photos look like fairy tale magic– that at least one AT&T tech support rep was threatened in order for them to reach you.  There was also a minor meltdown that led me to flee the house during a thunderstorm, laptop tucked under my arm, and oaths sworn about my need for “NON SHITTY WIFI.” [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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Five Sexy Moves to Kill The Mood

Five Sexy Moves to Kill The Mood via @AussaLorens

I recently got married, which means life from here on out will be one of pure bliss, rainbows, and perfectly timed musical soundtracks. If our engagement—with its family drama, existential meltdowns, and U.N.-style conflict resolution— is any indication, then it’s all blue skies ahead.

Mostly I’m excited about sex. Not necessarily about having it, but that I can write about it without fear of judgment.  It’s been my goal from the very start to become a bona fide sex blogger. Let’s not forget my fantastic advice on how to talk dirty in bed and the thrilling tale of Creepy McCreepster who tried to seduce me in the pantyhose section of JCPennys.  For now, I’ll leave you with the following:

Five Sexy Moves To Try Tonight: 

#1: Wait until both of you are beneath the sheets—a mess of skin and anticipation—and place your frozen-as-a-dead-fish feet on the innermost area of his thigh.

You’ll know it’s working if… He responds with a high-pitched yelp then you know you’re on the right track.

#2: Spice it up with a little roleplay—all you need is a costume. My favorite? A threadbare cotton dress I bought in 2007 that is now so stretched and stained that you can’t identify its original color. I like to pull that one out and wear it around the house just to let him know I’m in the mood.

You’ll know it’s working if… His eyes take on a tinge of disappointment as he turns back to face the TV.

#3: Fill your mind with the dark and dirty—all you need is Netflix or HBOGo. My favorite choices are “Game of Thrones” and “Fringe” so that right before we engage in foreplay we can have the mental image of crushed faces, maggot-infested limbs, and incestuous royalty.

You’ll know it’s working if… The set of his jaw his somewhere between “dry heave” and “facepalm.”

#4: Take your pillow talk to a new level—by asking him to explain exactly what he meant when he made that offhand remark 6 hours earlier. He may have thought he was just filling the silence with an arbitrary “Oh I see,” but he probably had some deeper meaning that you can uncover by relentlessly badgering him into confession.

You’ll know it’s working if… He begins to desperately compliment you and/or bring up a distraction he knows you’ll go off on a ranty tangent about.

Tip #5: Keep the mystery alive—by refusing to allow him to see your body. Sex with the lights off can be taken to new levels known as “undressing with the lights off” and “galloping to the bathroom with a pillow covering your arse” and “refusing to take your shirt off until he removes his contacts.”

You’ll know it’s working if… He becomes positively titillated by the sight of a clavicle or partially shaved knee.

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If that doesn’t satisfy your lust, you can look forward to the following upcoming articles:

“10 Ways to Incorporate Goat Sounds into Foreplay”

“How to Fall Out of Bed at Crucial Moment”

“The Ultimate Guide to Killing the Mood”

“How to Recreate the 50-Shades-of-Grey-Tampon-Scene”

Pardon me while I draw myself a bath.  It’s hard work being this lascivious.

 Did anything change in your life after you got married? What kind of a sex article are YOU qualified to write? Do you let your significant other see you totally NAKED?

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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I Am The Master of Death and It’s Hilarious

funnyblogSo I have to thank you guys—I won the Indie Chicks 2015 Badass Blog Award for Funniest Blog.   Last year I won for “Biggest Girl Crush Blog” so I guess you no longer have a crush on me and are just laughing at me.  It’s a huge honor, though mildly baffling.  I never set out to be funny.  My first post was about drinking “an cup of wine”  because I’d found out my psycho ex was going to dispute the restraining order I’d already had against him for a year. [Read more…]

The winner of last month's book giveaway "Fat Girl Walking" will be announced soon.  I'm still figuring out what book to give away in July.  Any suggestions?  Don't forget to sign up for my e-mail list-- I just might send you something amazing. 

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