My Wedding Photos Are Finally Here

Untitled design (7)Alex and I got married about a thousand years ago and have already had at least half a dozen near-death experiences.  It’s about time we finally get our wedding photos back.  I want you to know– despite the fact these photos look like fairy tale magic– that at least one AT&T tech support rep was threatened in order for them to reach you.  There was also a minor meltdown that led me to flee the house during a thunderstorm, laptop tucked under my arm, and oaths sworn about my need for “NON SHITTY WIFI.” [Read more…]

I’m Married, Now I Can Blog About Sex

AUSSSA LORENSGuys, I’m married now. I’m pretty sure that means my life from here on out will be one of pure bliss, rainbows, and perfectly timed musical soundtracks. If my engagement—with its family drama, existential meltdowns, and U.N.-style conflict resolution— is any indication, this should be a blog full of blue skies.

I’m looking forward to quite a few things, actually…

[Read more…]

I Am The Master of Death and It’s Hilarious

funnyblogSo I have to thank you guys—I won the Indie Chicks 2015 Badass Blog Award for Funniest Blog.   Last year I won for “Biggest Girl Crush Blog” so I guess you no longer have a crush on me and are just laughing at me.  It’s a huge honor, though mildly baffling.  I never set out to be funny.  My first post was about drinking “an cup of wine”  because I’d found out my psycho ex was going to dispute the restraining order I’d already had against him for a year. [Read more…]

10 Terrible Things I’ve Done on an Airplane

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Alex and I recently flew to Costa Rica for our honeymoon, which made me nostalgic for all the terrible things I’ve done on airplanes. Unfortunately, poor Alex has vertigo which means he doesn’t want to participate in shenanigans or get schwasted on miniature bottles of Cab Sav. This is truly unfortunate, given the fact I’ve done all of the following at least once: [Read more…]

It’s Gonna Take a Lot to Drag Me Away From You

Aussa Lorens WeddingEveryone told me my wedding day would go by too quickly to remember. Thankfully that wasn’t true, despite the many many glasses of champagne my friend Sars repeatedly poured for me. I feel like I remember everything, including the words we repeated after our hipster pastor.

Despite having way too much to say about everything, I had zero interest in writing and reciting my own vows in front of all those people. Nope. No way, no how. Even still, we managed to sneak in the most sacred of all vows—and I’m not sure anyone really noticed. [Read more…]

29 Things I’ve Learned in 29 Years

29 Things I've Learned in 29 Years via @AussaLorens #HackerNinjaHookerSpy

I’ve officially survived my first week as a newlywed, living in a tiny-ass house with a boy for the first time in my life. My birthday also happened, and let me tell you—it was a sexy one: Complete with knocking over a huge stack of wedding gifts, unpacking sandy suitcases, and breaking it to Alex that I’ve only designated about 7 inches of space for him in one of my closets. [Read more…]

I Almost Died On My Honeymoon. Twice.

1Against all odds, Alex and I made it back from Costa Rica alive. We stayed on one of the best surfing beaches in the country, which means I spent the majority of our trip wondering what it feels like to drown. Alex explored on Google Earth and found a river mouth just a couple miles down the beach. This seemed like a good adventure for our first day, so we set out with nary a care.

The entire area was deserted. We were the only signs of life, other than some crabs and a huge flock of pelicans that Alex wanted to run towards and frighten away. We felt isolated and wild and at the very top of the food chain.

A bridge stood in the distance, ushering the river towards the rocky embankment that led to the sea. The water was brackish and opaque from the black volcanic sand. Across the way was a massive rock concealing a cove.

“Let’s swim across,” Alex said. [Read more…]

Do You Miss Me While I’m Gone?

Untitled design (98)Don’t judge me—I am NOT blogging while I’m on my Honeymoon.  I scheduled this to post while I’m gone because technology is creepy. Now all I can think about is what will happen if my plane crashes and you’re all in the middle of hosting a candlelight vigil for me (naturally) and then you get this notification. Yes. The power of the Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy is enough to reach you from beyond the grave.

I’m sorry. I’ll stop now. But really—airplanes are such a terrible idea. I always forget this until I’m a million miles in the air, moving at the speed of light and suddenly too afraid to walk to the bathroom because I might shake the plane. [Read more…]

I’m Getting Married, Let’s Talk Shit

Untitled design (97)I’m getting married later this week so I feel like now is a good opportunity to reflect on all the shitty guys I’ve been involved with in the past. I say it’s important to relish in the darkness of past disasters lest we forget all the swamps of shite that must be traversed before “Happily Ever After.” You hear me? This is inspiring! Or something. [Read more…]

5 Things That Absolutely Keep Me From Falling Asleep

can't fall asleep can't stop thinkingI’ve dealt with insomnia for most of my life. It comes and goes in direct relation to how much I loathe my existence at the time.  From the age of 18 to 24 it was rather constant. I’d have to swallow up to 4 sleeping pills in order to achieve a fitful sleep for 5 hours max. But over the last few years I’ve done a lot better. Aside from a wee bit of PTSD I’d consider myself marginally cured. If I so much as take a benadryl I usually end up strung out and hate-tweeting about my coworkers for the next 36 hours (not to be confused with amused-tweeting about them). [Read more…]

This is a Scandalous Sex Circle That Just Needed To Be Drawn

sexual degrees of separationMy coworker Mandi and I have a weekly tradition known as “Trash Talk Fridays.” As the name implies, we pretty much spend the entire day sitting in her office discussing all the horrifying things our colleagues have done throughout the week while coming up with all sorts of conspiracy theories. My favorite theory is probably one that originated with the assistant to the lady who works in an office next to the woman who does insurance billing for our outpatient department. SHE SAYS that when my boss claims to “not have cell service” while on top of a mountain, it’s actually because he’s in the Philippines, banging teenage hookers.

You can see why these conversations are a necessary part of my week. [Read more…]