I’m Getting Married, Let’s Talk Shit

Untitled design (97)I’m getting married later this week so I feel like now is a good opportunity to reflect on all the shitty guys I’ve been involved with in the past. I say it’s important to relish in the darkness of past disasters lest we forget all the swamps of shite that must be traversed before “Happily Ever After.” You hear me? This is inspiring! Or something. [Read more…]

5 Things That Absolutely Keep Me From Falling Asleep

can't fall asleep can't stop thinkingI’ve dealt with insomnia for most of my life. It comes and goes in direct relation to how much I loathe my existence at the time.  From the age of 18 to 24 it was rather constant. I’d have to swallow up to 4 sleeping pills in order to achieve a fitful sleep for 5 hours max. But over the last few years I’ve done a lot better. Aside from a wee bit of PTSD I’d consider myself marginally cured. If I so much as take a benadryl I usually end up strung out and hate-tweeting about my coworkers for the next 36 hours (not to be confused with amused-tweeting about them). [Read more…]

This is a Scandalous Sex Circle That Just Needed To Be Drawn

sexual degrees of separationMy coworker Mandi and I have a weekly tradition known as “Trash Talk Fridays.” As the name implies, we pretty much spend the entire day sitting in her office discussing all the horrifying things our colleagues have done throughout the week while coming up with all sorts of conspiracy theories. My favorite theory is probably one that originated with the assistant to the lady who works in an office next to the woman who does insurance billing for our outpatient department. SHE SAYS that when my boss claims to “not have cell service” while on top of a mountain, it’s actually because he’s in the Philippines, banging teenage hookers.

You can see why these conversations are a necessary part of my week. [Read more…]

I Just Found This On My IPhone And I Can’t Explain It

cupcake with baby on itSometimes I’ll open up the camera roll on my iPhone and be like “WTF? Where did that come from?” Usually this is because Gunmetal Geisha has sent me a photo via WhatsApp, and it automatically gets saved to my camera roll. This can run the spectrum of charming photos with friends to sneakily captured photos of her professor to various flies that invaded the place where she was staying. [Read more…]

This Is The Most Awkward Party The World Has Ever Seen

awkward office party Back in December my boss announced he’d be retiring on February 1st. The heavens opened up, a dove descended, and the hallelujah chorus played throughout the land. Then halfway through January he decided to extend it to March 1st. I tried not to get my (non-existent) panties in a bunch and extended my bliss countdown by another 30 days. [Read more…]

5 Absolutely Justified Crimes I Might Actually Commit

Untitled design (87)Alex and I accidentally did a bunch of culturally impressive things a few weeks ago.  We visited some local museums, strolled about all the hip areas of the city, and finally grabbed some food at a fancy little restaurant.  I have absolutely no idea how this happened, but for some reason Alex caught sight of my fingertips.

“What the hell is wrong with your fingerprints?”

[Read more…]

4 Things I Should NOT Have Talked About at My Bridal Shower

Aussa Lorens Bridal ShowerLast Saturday my sister-in-laws threw a wedding shower for me, and it was gorgeous.  Everything looked perfect and entertainment was provided by Shleisel, who MacGyver’d her way into a locked room by removing the doorknob like a boss.  It was like all the happy things in my life were thrown in a big bag full of glitter, shaken, then released into a contained space. So basically lots of chocolate, cheese, and things I should not have talked about, like: [Read more…]

Thanks for Diagnosing Me With Cancer

blur-flowers-home-1093A few weeks back my left eye started getting all red and ferocious. Then my right eye caught on and before long I looked like a zombie extra from The Walking Dead. It was clearly growing worse by the second but I opted to ignore it because that’s how I like to deal with my problems.  Plus, my eye doctor is this creepy dude who I’m pretty sure has been hitting on me since I was 11 years old. Something about being in that dark narrow room puts him in the mood because he can’t stop saying things like “You are a very beautiful woman” in broken Russian before inviting me to his yoga class.  And for the record, his first language is ENGLISH. [Read more…]

It Took Me Almost a Year to Blog About This

is outer space realA few months ago Alex and I were driving home after seeing Interstellar at the Imax. He was waxing eloquent about a Wikipedia article he’d read about the theory of relativity and I was staring out the window, thinking about the alcoholic beverages I was about to consume. Suddenly a huge green light streaked across the sky. It was a meteorite, burning out as it hit the atmosphere.  More specifically, it was like a cruel joke from the universe, because I can’t handle thinking about these things.

[Read more…]

Guess What: The Internet Exists To Offend You

The Internet Exists to Offend You #HackerNinjaHookerSpy #RantDear Internet User,

Yes, I am writing to you specifically. In case you’re not aware, everything online exists for the sole purpose of offending you.   But that’s not all—we need to immediately know how everything makes you feel.  So long as you remember you’re the center of the universe, you can choose from the following responses:

“OMG that’s so sexist”

[Read more…]

Facebook Now Offers a Plan for After You Die

your facebook account after you die So apparently Facebook now allows you to designate what happens to your account after you die.  You can either have it deleted forever in the ultimate act of “shhh… this never happened,” or you can delegate someone to be your “Legacy Contact”–  meaning they can pin a post to your account, accept friend requests, and change your profile photo.  Just like Highlander of the 90s, there can be only one so you shouldn’t ask your current shite boyfriend unless he’s a keeper.  [Read more…]