This Is The Scariest Thing That’s Ever Happened To Me

Untitled design (52)After my last post about the stalker—AKA Gooseberry— a lot of you asked whether I’d ever called the police. The answer is yes– I’d called them three times since everything began. One week later, I called them again.

It was Tuesday evening and Sars was in class. Technically, I was also in that class but college rendered me gloriously truant. We hadn’t changed the locks since the week before, because we’d already done so twice. It felt useless. Instead, we just pushed furniture in front of our doors when we slept at night, and talked in whispers because it seemed like he was always listening. [Read more…]

I Bought A Wedding Dress And Everyone Else Got Drunk

Custom (10)I bought a wedding dress a few weeks ago. I can’t post it on here, of course, because every so often The Feyonce likes to secretly stalk the blog and search for his name—just to see what sorts of secrets and private moments I’m sharing. I think it’s bad luck for him to see it beforehand, and lord knows I don’t need any more bad luck.

But there’s plenty more to talk about, because believe me– the dress itself was hardly the most interesting part of the day.  In fact, I learned quite a few things whilst subjecting myself to the torments of wedding dress shopping. [Read more…]

The Threat Grows Closer

Untitled design (51)If I’ve learned anything about this ridiculous life I’m living, it’s that you can take power away from something by laughing at it. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less dangerous. When a stranger broke into my home and stole my most private possessions, I left a snarky note in response. But that didn’t stop him. Instead, he followed me to my new house and christened it with rotten meat before knocking out the power. The more things happened, the more difficult it became to laugh about the fact there was someone out there who was watching closely enough to torment me on a flexible schedule. [Read more…]

This Shite Just Goat Serious

Untitled design (34)Obviously my new favorite thing to freak out about is the fact I’m getting married. Why would I ride the wave of this joyous occasion when I can, in fact, use it as a justification for all manner of anxiety and whining? Still, there’s been one purely happy point to this whole thing– other than the fact I get to be married to Alex (Hi Feyonce, I love you)—and that is, goats.

They have been arriving in droves. [Read more…]

Your Personal Safety Is An Illusion

Untitled design (32)After my house was broken into, I stopped sleeping there. I stayed with family until I could get everything moved as quickly as possible. The stalker had already taken my computer and my journal, there was hardly anything private left to worry about. My brothers helped me with the heavy lifting, and within a day they’d gotten most everything out of there. The only things remaining were a stack of board games in the top of my closet, which I’d tried to keep them from discovering, since half of them originally belonged to them in the first place. Other than that, it was just a roll of toilet paper and a little Ewok figurine I’d tied to the fan pull chain that hung from the vaulted ceiling. [Read more…]

I Am Already So Good At Marriage

Untitled design (31)Alex and I are getting married in five or six months-ish. This has given me a whole new set of things to freak out about and threaten to destroy. I’m too poor for a wedding, so I’ve been suggesting we elope since the very beginning.  Each time, he shuts me down with a very effective set of questions: “Don’t you want to see your nieces all dressed in poofy dresses?” Dammit. Yes.

Being that I’m the offspring of shite, we’ll be financing the entire thing ourselves. This makes things a lot easier to plan: [Read more…]

I’ve Never Felt So Violated in My Entire Life

Untitled design (30)Despite the almost constant feeling of being watched,  I told myself it was just paranoia. I dismissed the red flags when a piece of my computer randomly vanished because it was easier to lie to myself than face the possibility that a stalker broke in while I wasn’t there. I continued my life of isolation, skipping class so I could stay up painting and writing until 4AM. Every night ended with me shutting out the lights and crawling into the bed I kept in the middle of my living room. [Read more…]

Reading About Anxiety is Giving Me Anxiety

Untitled design (16)When I was younger, I remember being told that “kids my age” always assume they’ll live forever.  I never thought this applied to me, but looking back I can see that I was a bit of a risk-taker.  I booked a flight to the most dangerous city in the world, backpacked in Asia by myself, and lived in a squat built atop a Superfund waste site.  None of this ever seemed all that risky to me, at least not in a way that gave me anxiety—in fact, I’m not sure I really believed in anxiety before I started working at the psych ward, though my psychotic ex-boyfriend  also gave me a proper introduction. [Read more…]

There’s A Slight Chance I’m A Future Serial Killer

imageI know I frequently position myself as the hapless victim in my stories—what with the prevalence of stalkers, weirdos, and unstable coworkers I deal with on a regular basis.  But I feel the need to be perfectly honest with you guys and admit that plenty of signs point to me as being a serial killer in the making. [Read more…]

3 Things More Likely to Kill You than Ebola

Untitled design (26)The Director of Nursing at the hospital where I work has an office right across from mine, which means I have the privilege of overhearing whatever manic conversations he deigns to have with himself.  Lately these have concentrated largely on his fear of Ebola– Which makes perfect sense because about 1/3 of our direct care workers are originally from West Africa, and I’m pretty sure that means they harbor a predisposition to spontaneously burst into airborne spores of Ebola. [Read more…]

I Assumed No One Was Watching Me

Untitled design (17)You may find this hard to believe, but I used to be very good at keeping secrets.  This was in the pre-blog, pre-internet days, before I knew how refreshing it was to let the world in on your most unflattering meltdowns and sexy bedroom talk.  Back then, I could hide a dark truth so well that I’d let it tear me to pieces before I whispered a word of it.  When I was a teenager, my Mom used to take me to doctor after doctor, trying to figure out why her perfectly healthy daughter was suffering from migraines, stomach ulcers, and extreme insomnia.  [Read more…]

How Everyone Reacted To My Engagement


I said I wouldn’t turn this site into a wedding planning blog, but I can’t resist sharing a few choice reactions to the news that Alex/The Boyfran/AuSex and I are getting married.  The first people we told were my brothers and sister-in-laws and we did it over text.  Because it’s 2014 and I’m not really that big a fan of talking to people in person.They’ve been asking about our looming nuptials for at least a year now.  We kept telling them that we were Brangelina-ing it and refusing to get married until everyone could.  That all failed once those two decided to bail on the cause and tie the knot last month.  [Read more…]

Are You Drunk Right Now?


We are oft reminded that “you can’t choose your family,” but far more devastating is the fact you can’t choose your coworkers.  There are precious few hours each week where we’re able to escape the oppression of these unchosen weirdys.  For me, it’s a sweet, sweet freedom, knowing I won’t have to battle any mysterious smells or survivalists who think its okay to pee in trashcans.  But every so often, the universe sees fit to take a shite on me by putting a coworker directly in my off-work path. [Read more…]

Top 10 Aussome Things From One Year of Blogging

one year of bloggingThis Saturday, October 4th will be the one year anniversary of the day I published my first post on Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.  I’d decided to start a blog a couple weeks before, in the wake of my ridiculous court battle against my ex, but it wasn’t until the asshat made an attempt to get back in my life that I finally felt like I had something to publish.  I cringe when looking back through my archives– and rarely do– but was willing to at least think about it for the purpose of this most auspicious event. [Read more…]