The 2015 BlogH(at)er Conference

Full Width Blog Image (49)I keep waiting for my negative feelings to subside, so I can write something cheerful.  But the desperation with which I fled from the BlogHer Conference this past weekend—knocking over elderly people, toddlers, and veterans—has yet to leave me.  That’s the best summary of what happened at the conference, really:  I turned into a horrible person that offended everyone. [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

Sorry Guys, I’m Selling Out

Sorry Guys, I'm Selling Out via @AussaLorens | HackerNinjaHookerSpyI really thought it wouldn’t come to this, but something strange has happened over the last few months—I’ve been making money.  NOT as an overpaid and underqualified professional—but as a WRITER.  Hold the phone, Shut the front door, can we say that again?

I’ve been making money as a writer.

Okay, so it’s barely enough to pay my rent, but it is actual American cash dollars. [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

Dildo Theory & Other Mysteries

Full Width Blog Image (45)I’m done trying to figure out what’s going on.  With anything.  With everything!  It all seems so subjective.   I’m going to go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may.  I don’t think I can trust myself anymore—my perception is all askew.   I dropped a French fry a few minutes ago.  It was covered in special sauce and it plopped onto the armrest of the chair I was sitting in, splattering special bits all over the place.  I immediately thought “oh my God, this is how the rest of my day is going to go, nothing is going to work out.”  Then I was like “wait, it could have landed on this dress and then I would have to actually launder my clothes after wearing them.  This is a miracle.  I can do anything today.” [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

My Dog Needs To Go To Rehab

My Dog Needs Rehab via @AussaLorensZola is my spirit animal.  Seriously, it’s like my entire existence is wrapped up in chubby animal form.  We have the same personality quirks, annoying habits, and various stupidities.  Remember how I had a mysterious mass inside of me?  Well apparently we also suffer the same health issues because some foreign object decided to take up residence on Zola’s body.   I took her to the vet and they told me to “ignore it and see what happens.”   Excuse me?  This is my favorite medical advice ever.  In fact, maybe I should be my own doctor because this is the sort of thing I tell myself all the time.   [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

My Husband Has A Secret Online Identity

My Husband Has A Secret Online Identity via @AussaLorens | HackerNinjaHookerSpy

I’m a little sensitive about this secret internet identities.  My father had his whole closeted thing and my ex used a burner phone to pretend he was me. Yet here I am, dealing it with it again and this time from Alex.  It all started on a slow night when I was determined to be productive but Alex had run out of things to do. One thing led to another and he was stalking me on Google, trying to figure out how well I ranked against the Aussa Sultanate and Yu Gi Oh character by the same name. Eventually he ended up here on my site, trawling through the comments section.

“I should mess with your readers and start replying back.” [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

How To Lose Your Shit in The Name of Art

How To Lose Your Shit In The Name of Art via @AussaLorens | HackerNinjaHookerSpy

I hate when I accidentally do something really well then waste the rest of my life trying to replicate it.  I’ve had some writing featured on a few well respected sites, which means I live in a constant state of panic that I’ve peaked and no one will ever be interested in me again.  It usually goes something like this:

1. Open an email and type out a pitch.  Press send:

“Wait.  I used two spaces after each period.  That’s against the rules now.  They’re going to know I’m a fraud.  I should just stop now.  I’ll delete this entire email account so I never have to see their rejection. [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

How NOT To Drive Through a Roundabout

My New Boss Is A Nightmare via @AussaLorens |HackerNinjaHookerSpyI probably shouldn’t blog about my new boss, but I can’t help it.  Remember how eager I was to get rid of the last guy?  I even threw him the most awkward retirement party the world has ever seen.  Well now my new boss is a woman—which felt like a victory at first.  I hoped for feminist badassery, mentorship and an end to the chronic misogyny of this godforsaken place. 

You know how well my hopes usually work out.  [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

How To Be A Cool Kid

How To Be A Cool Kid via @AussaLorensA while back I got some shade thrown my way.  Some of it was at me specifically, but most of it was vague and ambiguous and the sort of thing 97 out of a hundred people will always assume is directed at them. Either way, it left an unpleasant taste in my mouth.  I’m accustomed to random trolls who tell me my eyes are bulbous, my writing shallow, and I’m much fatter or skinnier than they thought.  But the “you’re just a cool kid” thing?  It triggers me into full-blown KILL. [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

I Will Never Feel Safe Again

I Will Never Feel Safe Again via @AussaLorens

I may be the only person in the entire world who enjoys writing thank you notes.  I feel like they’re an opportunity to say nice things to people without having to actually speak the words—you just write some words down and someone else delivers it for you.  Writing + Laziness = my favorite thing ever. [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

I Paid a Hipster To Write This Poem About Me

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A couple weeks ago Alex and I went to some sort of outdoor food festival thing.  I’m not really sure what it was called or what it was for, but it made us feel very social and very cool.  We spent the rest of the weekend patting each other on the back like “Look at us! We left the house, and it wasn’t just to go buy Cheezits!”

I like to save my extrovert points for things like BlogU because any time you leave the house you run the risk of running into someone you know.  [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words. 

What I’ve Learned After Six Weeks of Marriage

Full Width Blog Image (1)Alex and I have been married for six weeks and I imagine you’re super sick of hearing about it.  I promise I’ve been holding back and trying to be on my best behavior—just like he and I did for the first week or so.  Now we’re back to our old ways: He’s keeping his clothes in the dryer and I have about 3 dozen K-cups stacked beside the Keurig because 18 inches is just too far to carry them to the trash bin.

The other day he asked if we could take my car when we went grocery shopping.

“Sure,” I said. “But we’ll have to stop by a dumpster if you want to use the trunk.  I put some trash in there because I wanted the house to look clean.” [Read more…]

This month's book giveaway is "The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE.  You need this if you don't already have it.  Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words.