This Is The Most Awkward Party The World Has Ever Seen

awkward office party Back in December my boss announced he’d be retiring on February 1st. The heavens opened up, a dove descended, and the hallelujah chorus played throughout the land. Then halfway through January he decided to extend it to March 1st. I tried not to get my (non-existent) panties in a bunch and extended my bliss countdown by another 30 days. [Read more…]

5 Absolutely Justified Crimes I Might Actually Commit

Untitled design (87)Alex and I accidentally did a bunch of culturally impressive things a few weeks ago.  We visited some local museums, strolled about all the hip areas of the city, and finally grabbed some food at a fancy little restaurant.  I have absolutely no idea how this happened, but for some reason Alex caught sight of my fingertips.

“What the hell is wrong with your fingerprints?”

[Read more…]

4 Things I Should NOT Have Talked About at My Bridal Shower

Aussa Lorens Bridal ShowerLast Saturday my sister-in-laws threw a wedding shower for me, and it was gorgeous.  Everything looked perfect and entertainment was provided by Shleisel, who MacGyver’d her way into a locked room by removing the doorknob like a boss.  It was like all the happy things in my life were thrown in a big bag full of glitter, shaken, then released into a contained space. So basically lots of chocolate, cheese, and things I should not have talked about, like: [Read more…]

Thanks for Diagnosing Me With Cancer

blur-flowers-home-1093A few weeks back my left eye started getting all red and ferocious. Then my right eye caught on and before long I looked like a zombie extra from The Walking Dead. It was clearly growing worse by the second but I opted to ignore it because that’s how I like to deal with my problems.  Plus, my eye doctor is this creepy dude who I’m pretty sure has been hitting on me since I was 11 years old. Something about being in that dark narrow room puts him in the mood because he can’t stop saying things like “You are a very beautiful woman” in broken Russian before inviting me to his yoga class.  And for the record, his first language is ENGLISH. [Read more…]

It Took Me Almost a Year to Blog About This

is outer space realA few months ago Alex and I were driving home after seeing Interstellar at the Imax. He was waxing eloquent about a Wikipedia article he’d read about the theory of relativity and I was staring out the window, thinking about the alcoholic beverages I was about to consume. Suddenly a huge green light streaked across the sky. It was a meteorite, burning out as it hit the atmosphere.  More specifically, it was like a cruel joke from the universe, because I can’t handle thinking about these things.

[Read more…]

Guess What: The Internet Exists To Offend You

The Internet Exists to Offend You #HackerNinjaHookerSpy #RantDear Internet User,

Yes, I am writing to you specifically. In case you’re not aware, everything online exists for the sole purpose of offending you.   But that’s not all—we need to immediately know how everything makes you feel.  So long as you remember you’re the center of the universe, you can choose from the following responses:

“OMG that’s so sexist”

[Read more…]

Facebook Now Offers a Plan for After You Die

your facebook account after you die So apparently Facebook now allows you to designate what happens to your account after you die.  You can either have it deleted forever in the ultimate act of “shhh… this never happened,” or you can delegate someone to be your “Legacy Contact”–  meaning they can pin a post to your account, accept friend requests, and change your profile photo.  Just like Highlander of the 90s, there can be only one so you shouldn’t ask your current shite boyfriend unless he’s a keeper.  [Read more…]

“Worst Human in The World” Awards

Horrible CoworkersAre there really people out there who care about bullshite awards?  I’m honestly not sure.  Maybe I’m just jaded because I’m so often the person who is weeding through the mediocre nominations to try and determine whose paltry efforts at achieving the bare minimum should be celebrated.  All I know is that where I work, it’s pretty much a curse for you to receive any sort of public accolade.  Within months you’ll be enmeshed in some sort of scandal, crime, or humiliation. [Read more…]

Am I Being Sexually Harassed Over Here?

black-and-white-shoes-stiletto-3420To be employed is to be sexually harassed. It doesn’t matter how much money they pour into work trainings and seminars, you’re going to spend 40 hours of your week hearing about who banged who in the back of a patrol car or sitting in meetings with a guy who claims to know the various shades of South American hookers’ tatas. [Read more…]

Here’s Why I’m The World’s Worst Feminist

Why I'm Embracing Traditional Gender Roles  via @AussaLorens #funny #humor #relationships #love #marriage #HackerNinjaHookerSpyAlex and I have been engaging in a very volatile practice known as “pre-marital counseling.” Prior to beginning, we had to fill out a very long list of questions about our communication style, family background, etc. Alex took a look at it then texted me:

“You’re going to have fun with some of these questions. LOL.” [Read more…]

How To Fake Your Way To a Successful Career

Fake It Till You Make It At WorkWhen I was 23 years old– just a few months before I caught a one way flight to China– I got a tattoo on my hand.  I intentionally chose my hand because I knew I would never be able to conceal it.  I wanted to see it every single day, to remember what it means but also as a sort of guarantee that I’d never find myself stuck in a humdrum, soul-sucking professional career.

Oh 23 year old Aussa, you were so cute and stupid. [Read more…]