Aussa Goes To The Gay Bar (As Told By Alex)

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I wanted to tell you about this last weekend, but I couldn’t type through my hangover.  I don’t mention this in a braggy sorostitute way, like “oh man I got so wasted” but in a much tamer, almost-30-years-old, buy me some Advil and a loaf of bread sort of way.

But seriously man, I got so wasted.  Let’s start at the beginning:

Chapter One: The Dive Bar

Alex played chauffeur for fellow writer Jessica Ziegler and I.  Then, like all married men, he happily had the rest of the night to do the sorts of disgusting things I never let him do.  Like eat Mexican food. [Read more…]

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An Open Letter to My Boob Hair

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Dear Boob Hair,

I remember when there was only one of you. I saw you from the corner of my eye and assumed you were an errant eyelash to be brushed away. No matter how hard I flicked, you stayed rooted like the sword in the stone, denying my right to victory. It was with an equal mix of horror and delight (look at what I have grown, all on my own!) that I plucked you.

That was years ago.

I’ve plucked you many times since, usually in the early stages of a relationship. Since then, your eviction has been reserved for special occasions like a beach vacation, a hot date, or my wedding night. Too often I forget you exist until my husband freezes mid boob-grab to lean in for a closer look. It makes foreplay very cumbersome when you’re suddenly panicking over whether or not you remembered to de-hair your left breast. “Leave my bra on,” you say. “Just pull the right boob out for now. Leave the other boob where you found it.”

I’ve tried to accommodate your existence by going topless only under the cover of darkness. Inevitably there will be a small sliver of moonlight that sneaks in through the window and shines upon you, illuminating you like a radio antenna glistening from the top of a hill.

We’ve had so many good times.

To be honest, I’m not sure I fully understand the purpose of your existence. Maybe there’s an undiscovered evolutionary benefit to having half a dozen inch-long hairs jutting from my aureolas. Perhaps your true advantage may not be known until I find myself in a post-apocalyptic scenario. Then again, maybe it’s a rite of passage – the longer I stay alive, the furrier my breasts become.

I didn’t realize how persistent you’d been until I replaced a bathroom light that’d been burned out for two years. I was torn between raising the terror alert and doting proudly when I saw you – “Oh my, how you’ve grown!” Here I was, living life without a care, completely ignorant of the franchises you’d been setting up across my lady lumps.

I have to admire your success rate, though. You go underground just long enough for me to forget you exist and then BAM! You’re almost long enough to braid. A girl has to admit when she’s been defeated.

Some women claim you don’t exist. They call you a myth – “no, not me,” they say, “I’ve never had one.” But I know you are real. I have seen you with my own eyes and felt you with my tweezer-wielding fingers and I will never forget. If anything, I wish I could be more like you – dedicated, tenacious, and motivated.

At the end of the day, I guess I can’t blame you for your persistence. My boobs are pretty damn amazing.

With newfound respect,

The Girl With The Tweezers

©2015 Aussa Lorens, as originally published on Scary Mommy

Do you also suffer from chronic boob hair, or are you a liar? 

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How to Talk to Your Boss About The Hickey On Your Neck

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In case you don’t remember, I got married last year.  Married people (usually) have sex. But if you are related to me, have an impressionable child on your lap, or any other vested interest in not knowing Aussa makes the beast with two backs, then you should probably stop and go read this old post about goats.

Now that it’s just us perverts, I will show you a photo of the hickey Alex gave me last week: [Read more…]

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I Miss The Psych Ward

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I never thought I would miss the psych ward.  Remember how I rode out of there– with my “Like a Boss” t-shirt and a cloud of “Bye Felicia” memes raining down upon the internets?  Yet here I am, looking back in fond memory on that most toxic of workplaces like it’s some secret garden I’ve misplaced in a wall of ivy.

When I was job hunting here in Denver, Alex would constantly remind me: “Nothing will be as bad as your last job.”

Maybe.  Maybe not. Every new person, every new situation, comes with it’s own peculiar set of crazy.  Add in the Aussa Multiplier and a trip to buy a bagel becomes a feature-length story of overcoming odds and humiliating yourself in as-yet-unseen ways.

And I buy a lot of baked items.

[Read more…]

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This Is What I’ve Been Doing Since I Stopped Blogging

Aussa Lorens Denver

My lack-of-blogging is a real issue.  A real depressing issue.  One that obviously needs to be remedied with lots and lots of inspirational TED talks, Katy Perry songs that rhyme with “Tire-Twerk,” and probably some poetry and incense.

Back when I was in high school I would burn incense in my room and listen to weird Sitar music while reading Ayn Rand aloud.  Somehow I need to get back to this level of soulfully cool.

I decided to write some poetry so I can re-stoke my dormant creative genius:

Title: “What the eff has happened to my self-discipline and desire to do something with my life other than be a sensible professional who uses the word Fiduciary?” 

Send me an e-mail

Now I have sixty e-mails

I feel important

Title: “Pretending like I don’t have other pursuits in my life is destroying my sense of self.”

Dear man who hired me

It’s not that I lied to you

Specifically [Read more…]

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Adulting Is Ruining My Life

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I have a long list of things I want to tell you.  I meant to say something about Christmas. I meant to tell you it’s okay if life is hard right now and that sometimes Christmas makes us sad.  I also wanted to tell you about the girl I interviewed to be my assistant who told me she was “super attractive” and then explained her employment gap as “a spiritual journey.”

I also need to share some additional sex advice that involves using the line: “My vagina is like Motel 6.  It’ll always leave the light on for you.”

I tested this and it works. [Read more…]

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Things My New Boss Doesn’t Know About Me

Aussa Lorens

Just in case you aren’t following my tragicomedy of a life on Facebook, this is the official announcement that I got a job.  Huzzah!  Except I was kind of hoping for some extended unemployment so I could further hone my reclusive snow art tendencies.  But I’m very glad that I can now spend obscene amounts of money on Christmas-themed woodland creatures without Alex giving me the side-eye because two incomes and feminism.

So my new job is something I can’t really blog about.  But I promise it’s mostly boring and I don’t anticipate anyone dressing like a clown with a banana or planning parades that make fun of people with mental illness.

Of course, I could be wrong.  Because my new employer also thinks I’m mostly boring.

Let’s let that one sink in. [Read more…]

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How To Embarrass Yourself at Parties This Holiday Season

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Alex and I went to a party a couple weeks ago.  It was our first social outing since we moved to Denver.   It was also one of our first social outings since we got married half a year ago because let’s be real– neither of us really like to leave the house and interact with other humans.  So the stakes were high.

Alex knew the host of the party, but none of the other guests.  We’d promised to bring a bottle of wine, which we did a great job of buying but a not-so-great job of actually bringing with us.  This offered an opportunity for me to have an immediate ice breaker when I walked in the door.

“Hi! So great to meet you.  We bought a bottle of wine but left it at home.  So we’re probably just going to drink it by ourselves later tonight.”

A couple hours later– after drinking all the wine everyone else remembered to bring– I snuck off to use the restroom.

Aussa Lorens Twitter

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A Fool-Proof Formula for Ruining Your Life

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As someone who has ruined her life on more than one occasion, I feel that I can speak to this topic.  I won’t list all the various things I ought to feel badly about because you probably already know about them or can easily find them by clicking around this site.

There have been so many times when my life seemed over.  “This is it,” I thought.  “I’ve finally sunk so low or stumbled into something so bad that I will never recover.”  But then I find myself months or years later looking back at it as just another one of those things that became a core part of who I am.  I’m not sure I want to be one of those smugly self-actualized people who says things like “I regret nothing,” but I can’t really picture my life without all those brief life-ending circumstances.

It’s confusingly shitty (and possibly magical) that we can’t divorce the good from the bad.  We want to rewrite history until we realize we’d be giving up all the unexpected and positive things that came after. 

But if you’re really keen on ruining your life, just do the following: [Read more…]

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Things I’m Doing Instead of Having a Job

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I’ve been living in Denver for about three weeks now, which means I’ve been unemployed for about a month.  Theoretically I am hunting for a job– it’s just hard to find anywhere that wants to pay me thousands of dollars to do the things I love: Judging people, online stalking, and investing in weird hipster art.  Until I find a new 8-5 I’ve been keeping myself busy in other ways:

1. Learning All About Colorado Fashion

It’s all about the layers here.  When I first arrived, I didn’t own a pair of boots or a coat.  But I DID have my Harry Potter robe, yoga pants, and at least one sweater.

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2. Embracing The Cold [Read more…]

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Denver, You Are Weird

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Most people don’t have anything negative to say about moving to Denver. But moving to Denver at the start of winter? Especially a winter that’s supposed to have record-setting snowfall?  That’s the kind of questionable choice at which I excel.  But Alex and I have been busy enjoying everything about our new hometown– most of which involves beer, art, and mountains.

A few weekends ago we checked out the local art scene.  You probably don’t know this, but I’m a super intellectual and pretentious know-it-all when it comes to art.  So let me explain the following masterpieces:

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Left: A Bedazzled Bear Humping A Clown – Nature is being overcum with materialism and it is nothing to laugh about.

Top Right: Colorful Spinning Orbs And Globes – If you are not currently on drugs, you should be.

Bottom Right: Tree Trunk Made Of Random Wooden Objects – Life is about growth and growth is just a bunch of random shit that no one can explain. [Read more…]

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