When it comes to failing with the opposite sex, I am a giant and I would like to invite you to stand on my shoulders. After dating a guy two years younger than me, I decided to date an older man… a 25 years-older-than-me older man. What can I say, I’m openminded.
At the time, I was 25 and he was 50. In my defense, I didn’t know he was that old. I mean, I knew he was OLDER but not… that much older. But hey, he was charming and he knew the “s” was silent in “Laos” and what girl can resist a guy who knows how to properly pronounce the names of landlocked countries in Southeast Asia?
The ordeal officially lasted 11 months and ended like the scene from “Castaway” where Tom Hanks escapes the crashed and burning plane, gasping for air and fighting for life only to later end up passionately fighting with athletic equipment.
The next 6 months were like the buildup of a mid-90s slasher where every brutal act hits closer and closer to home until you realize it’s all because of that one shitty thing you once did. This ended with me getting a restraining order against him.
The next 12 months after that were like “The Land Before Time” because even though it had its charming moments we all know all the dinosaurs are dead now and you can’t help thinking it the entire time.
That brings me to today, 20 months since the breakup and I am Billy Murray in Groundhog Day.
Listen to me: AVOID THE MAN TWICE THY AGE Not convinced? Keep reading:
Reason #1: If you were to conceive a child with him it would be the same age gap as you and your lover. *gross*
Reason #2: When you ask him about his previous relationship it is likely to have begun before you bought your first bra.
Reason #3: You will have to listen to music like Atomic Dog
Reason #4: Your problems aren’t problems because he fought in a war and is putting kids through college.
Reason #5: He will have no idea what twitter, Facebook, or “the cloud” is. Hell, he won’t know who Miley Cyrus is (wait, put that on the good list).
Reason #6: You will never go out again because there are too many loud young people everywhere and why would you– there is a couch and TV reruns at home.
Reason #7: When you tell him something interesting his response will be “my kid said the same thing the other day!”
Reason #8: He won’t text when he’s running late because he will have lost his reading glasses
Reason #9: He will continue to wear gym clothes that he bought in the 80s.
Reason # 10. If you marry him you run the risk of his teenage son knocking a girl up and turning you into a Grandmother.
If that isn’t enough, stay tuned for further posts about this weirdo. It only gets worse from here.
What about the rest of you, have you had better luck ensnaring a silver fox?
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