I feel the need to correct any impressions you may have that I am either a victim or a decent-hearted human being. I’ve talked a fair amount about stalkers (both men and women) as well as head wounds and my attempt to date a gay man. On top of that, I may have confessed to loving crazy people.
But the truth is–I am a truly terrible person, and it’s not even by accident. I wake up every morning looking for opportunities to victimize unwitting strangers. Skeptical? Read on for a delicious sampling of 5 terrible things I’ve done to strangers– and now, YOU CAN TOO!
#1. Get Your Jollies From a Stranger’s Fear of Flying:
On my flight from LAX to Taipei, Air China did me a favor by seating me next to one of the only other Westerners on the flight. While I appreciated the opportunity to sit next to Ryan– an unsuspecting lad from Arkansas– I was giddy when he confessed that this was his first international flight and he’d always been afraid of flying.
Sorry Ryan.
I was practically salivating.
“You know,” I said “It’s good we’re sitting over the wing. In case the plane goes down.”
He stared at me as a slow curtain of terror lowered upon his face.
I went on.
“Though, I read something about how you’re more likely to survive if you’re sitting towards the back. But let’s be serious– we’re all going to die.”
How’s That Going To Work Out.
Ryan swallowed and looked out the window at the luggage carriers as though they might rescue him. We were obviously stuck together for the next 11 hours so he tried to change the subject by asking some polite question about my life. But I wasn’t having it.
“How crazy is it that they never found that plane that went missing over North Africa? Imagine… hundreds of people, just gone… POOF!”
To The Island…
My plane-crash jazz-hands inspired an audible cry of fear, but Ryan quickly recovered.
“Well,” he stammered, “I’ve always heard that flying is safer than driving.”
Oh– he was a clever one, that Ryan.
“That has to be an old statistic,” I countered, “Imagine all that’s changed, especially in this economy… I wonder how well they pay the guy who’s supposed to make sure every nut and bolt is tightened. I wonder if he likes his job enough to actually check as often as they tell him to… I definitely wouldn’t.”
It was about this time that Ryan put his headphones in. For some reason, we didn’t talk that much during the flight.
#2. Alter the Sexuality of a Disgruntled Stranger:
I worked at AT&T for five years whilst twiddling my way through college. Being that it was a retail position, I encountered my fair share of pissy and entitled strangers. I hate to burst your bubble, but we didn’t care that you dropped your phone in the toilet. We had our own problems and you were just a dollar sign that stood between us and our lunch break.
It Happens To The Best Of Us
There were many things I got sick of hearing, but one of the biggest was everyone’s insistence that it was their “business phone” and that unlike me they were VERY special and impressive and important.
I’m Sure You Are.
One particular guy pushed me to the limit when he actually posed the rhetorical question “are you an idiot?” as I was setting up his VERY IMPORTANT business phone with his VERY IMPORTANT e-mail account.
BOOM.
While I won’t deny that I have idiot tendencies, I also possessed the ability to alter e-mail settings and change the signature on his VERY IMPORTANT e-mails to say “Sent from my Bi-phone.”
Nothing like calling the sexual orientation of a domineering and demeaning man into question.
#3. Start a Tradition of Drunkenly Photobombing a Stranger’s Yard:
When I first moved back to the state’s I strategically chose a rental property within walking distance of my job and a bar that boasted a killer sangria. During the week I was a productive member of society– but on the weekends my friend Shleisel and I would walk our sad sober asses to the bar…
This Is How Many Drinks I Need
Then skip our happy drunk asses back home at 2AM.
We May Have Snuck Our Last Drink Out For The Long Walk Home
The walk home was always much more exciting as there was so much to discover and explore. The first time we made the trek we came upon a home belonging to The Siddles— We knew this because they had a large wooden sign with “Siddles” in their front yard. When I flipped through my phone a few days later I saw this:
There Are Innocent Strangers Sleeping Inside That House
The rest is history. It became our fondest tradition to pass by The Siddles and snap a photo. Even though I have moved to a different area, we still pay homage to The Siddles anytime we partake in Sangria.
They Got More Colorful As Time Passed.
4. Annihilate The Copier And Leave It For A Stranger To Deal With:
Like every career minded girl, I used the copier at work to print my resume while I was hunting for a better job. Unfortunately, the copier was not suited for my super fancy paper and got it’s little Xerox panties in a twist.
Time To Act Out “Office Space”
I promise I tried to fix it by flipping levers and turning bobbins and saying magic words, but sadly, “proficiency with office equipment” was not on the resume that had hopelessly jammed itself somewhere between copy and print.
WTF.
I did what anyone else would do; I checked the hallway before skipping out on the whole mess. I came back the next day and– like magic!– it was working again. Some stranger even left this note for me:
*chuckles*
5. Frighten A Stranger So Thoroughly That They Abandon Their Job:
One of the weird perks of my current job is that I have a set of master keys and am able to wile away my free time by exploring old buildings on our property. Seeing as how the place is super haunted I can’t resist the opportunity to set a trap for future passerby.
I hit the jackpot when I came across a cardboard cutout of a human figure.
We Wired Him To A Door Frame
I’ve never worked so fervently in all my days. Within a couple minutes I’d scrounged through the abandoned offices to give Cardboard Man a more comfortable lifestyle.
Trick or Treat!
I snapped the photo, chuckled to myself, and forgot about it…Until a couple weeks later when Mail Room Guy came strolling in my office.
“You will never believe what just happened.”
I love stories that start this way, so I paused my riveting game of Solitaire and gave him my full attention.
“I was taking the telephone repairman through Building B and out of nowhere the dude starts screaming like a little girl. I look up, and you won’t believe what I see.“
He hands me his phone, and I expect to see a shrine of dead pigeons or a blood-written message, but there he is– Cardboard Man, wired to a door frame just as I had left him.
“Craziest shit, I ever seen,” Mail Room Guy concluded. “The repairman just bolted, refused to stay in the building. We have a call in to another place to come take a look tomorrow.”
He shook his head, traumatized.
“I still can’t believe it. How does something like that even get there? No one has access to those buildings.”
I evaded his gaze by looking back to my screen of solitaire.
“Wow,” I said, “That is just the craziest thing.”
What insidious acts of stranger danger have you committed? Was it intentional or did it just… turn out that way? I might need some ideas for the future.
Want to keep in touch? Find me on Facebook.
At my last job I found a wax hand with what looked like real blood coming out of it (thank you Halloween store!) and left it in the freezer of my work. If you put a little blue make up on it, it looks like it’s frost bitten and somewhat real. Everyone got a laugh, but only after someone nearly pissed themselves.
Also my pregnant friend dropped a pitcher of water on the floor and screamed “OH GOD! I’M GOING INTO LABOR!” and since none of us had seen labor fluids, we were going OH MY GOD WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO DELIVER A BABY! to which she would start laughing. After the fifth time of her doing that, we didn’t believe her. Then she really DID start having contractions.
That’s it. That’s all I got.
Hahahahaha!!!! I love the pregnant one! That is downright cruel! I probably would’ve gotten excited, I totally want to see a baby born (weird?) except maybe it would be better if a doctor were present.
Also, I love that you were devoted enough to your prank to apply makeup to the severed hand. Dedication, that’s what I like to see 😉
It is my favorite pastime to figure out what freaks people out and endlessly play off those fears. Here I thought I was the only one.
“Endlessly play off those fears”
A most beautiful sentence.
Any examples?
When I was kinda at that pregnant but borderline *could* be just fat stage, this really nice guy came and started lifting hay bales for me remarking that ‘there’s no way I’m going to let a short pregnant chick load up her own hay’.
Cue wide eyes, quivering lip ‘I’m not pregnant…’
Look on his face was priceless, let him off the hook after about 10 seconds though, amateur clearly haha x
Haha that’s so terrible. And wonderful. One of the perks of pregnancy, I suppose– it opens up a whole new world of pranks and terror.
first, this was awesome. second, i would swindle cash from friends, betting that i could untwist my tongues barbell then put it back together and spit it out, all within my mouth. kinda like the cherry stem in a knot thing. truth was that my piercing was stretched to the point that i could pull the entire barbell through the hole. a great way to make a quick buck.
Okay, see… that is truly impressive. I need something like this to add to my “wow” factor + generate some extra cash flow. Very clever.
Aussa,
I have had the whole pub looking at me quizzically as I laughed increasingly harder at each of your stories…they think I’m too big to cry…
Hahahaha I’ve always wanted to make a grown man cry in a pub! Thank you for helping me make this dream come true!
You are so BAD!!! Lol- love it! Back in high school when I was standing in a short hall just outside of an office area, I was waiting for the driver’s ed instructor to show. I was bored and had a few of those strike anywhere matches in my pocket; so I lit one using my jeans zipper. I let it burn for a minute and blew it out and threw it on the floor. A few minutes later a gal came scrambling out of an office sniffing the air and looking for fire. I said that no, I hadn’t seen anyone, but I had just gotten there. She saw the match on the ground and figured someone lit it and ran out the door (that went outside). And we never did get our driving time that day: the instructor, who was also the shop teacher, cut the end of his finger off that day in school.
Hahahaha I’m impressed with the chick who smelled a match burning and came to investigate the fire. I’d be all sitting at my desk waiting until I saw flames before I’d get up. Also: Is there a direct correlation between the match and the chopping of fingers or was that just an incredibly weird day of your life?
Just a wired day. For me to have lighted a match and not fessed up was a big deal to me, because I was such a goodie two shoes back then.
I remember writing on a brick with pencil when I was in 2nd grade and feeling like SUCH a rebel. Good thing we didn’t meet back then, the world wouldn’t have survived.
I have no such stories. Truly….I don’t. 🙂 Wish I did!!!
There’s no better time to start than the present 😉
I’m glad I’ve never flown with you..holy hell. 🙂
This is hysterical.
One time I put my tonsils in a guys lunch bag at work. But before you say that is too gross or over the top, let me say..he really had it coming
Aaaaah I don’t know what tonsils look like, and I’m afraid to google it but AI YA! That is like 1st class terrible, I am truly proud!
I’ve got a plan in the making -Grins- …The doctors have mentioned a concern that I may be carrying multiples, and while this freaks me right out, my husband is like, “Yeah, twins! I’m the man! Super Sperm!” And other bang on his chest mannerisms…He can’t come with us Wednesday though when we find out how far along I am and whether there really are multiples or not. I’m praying for one…and if I’m right, I’m calling him and telling him there are four. I figure, this early on, I can circle random things in the sonogram pic and he won’t have a clue what he’s looking at anyway. -Boss nod- “Honey…we’re having quads.” “Quads?” “Four babies…” -Cue freak out-
This.Is.Brilliant. I love love love it. QUADS?! So scary… but I mean, awesome if it happens 😉
Please do let us know how this story ends!!!
I would piss myself….and that’s about the most lady-like way I could think to say that. And I will 😀
We had a haunted elevator and I would screw with the new hires..wow, cold in here. This elevator is haunted. It was, which was the ironic part, but I used to get a kick scaring the poor person. I am going to hell.
Great post! You so mean. 🙂
Auh yes, using actual scary things to scare people is the best. We have one of those old TVs with an actual dial to change the channels and it’s sitting in a nurse’s station in an old abandoned building.. Any time I take someone in there I sneak ahead and turn the TV on because it has about a minute delay before it turns on all Poltergeist-style. So wonderful.
Do you know why the elevator was haunted? Any spooky history there?
That is positively evil of you…
It was in a nursing home, so I am assuming it was one of the residents trying to get the hell out of the place. Sad, actually.
Oh yeah, I forgot you worked in a nursing home! Yikes. That IS sad…
I’m usually nice and polite to the strangers, but I used to be really bad to my sister. We’re best friends now, but when she was younger I used to put a lot of food into my mouth, chew it and then spit it back to my plate. She used go mad angry at me and cried and the redder and more pissed off she got, the more she shouted how disgusting I was and how she hated it, the funnier it seemed to me – I’m a horrible, horrible person – and I will put a smiley face here 🙂 just to show that I don’t think of myself as horrible, and I still think that the way she got red from anger was actually funny.
I have recently been moved to an office with a glass door. I think I need my own Cardboard Man to scare away the gawkers.
Looks like I got a new weekend arts ‘n’ crafts project!
Heck Yeah! You can even dress him up for the various seasons and holidays. Time to get that glue gun out.
Poor Ryan. I’ll bet he never flew again. 🙂 LOL..I’m guilty of the jam and split. Of course, I’ll make every effort to remove my jammed paper, but one can only spend so much time, especially if the page ripped and you know it’s only a tiny piece left behind causing the problem.
I’m sure Ryan is out there somewhere, blogging about the horror of a woman he had to share a flight with…
And yeah, seriously! Those machines are just beastly.
I’m beginning to think you’d make a great character in a novel–flawed but lovable. 🙂
I must admit, I’ve messed up a number of copy machines myself. And left before copping up to it…
Emphasis on FLAWED 😉 But thanks!
Sadly I have now become the top of the food chain when it comes to the copier on my floor so when it breaks or jams I’m the one who has to find someone to fix it… Karma. *sigh*
Haha, Karma indeed!
You are deliciously awful!!! LOL. My kinda combo….
Hahaha thank you! And thanks for the RT!
Your piece about going “office space” inspired me to write today’s post… I loved your words. I wish I could tell my story like you.
Your post was great, I like how you were like “woah I just got reality mixed up with the movie.” Thanks for the kind words 🙂 And now I need to watch that movie again! I think I used to own it on VHS… wow.
You having worked for The Worlds Largest Telcommunication Company know that it is like Office Space. Banners reading “Our Customer Are Our Life Blood” or “Work Makes You Free” wait wrong banner but you know how it is.. The squirrelly employee that has his or her stapler…
I really need to blog more about that place… So So So much material… Just give me time…
People it’s a One Who Flew Over The… Blah blah blah but it would make a great script… Hmmm gives me an idea.
Chase that idea!
Deliciously evil. I think you may be my new favourite person on the planet.
Haha! Danger! Don’t think that will save you 😉
muahahahaha and thanks!!
The worst was my brother torturing my sister: he would pin her down, then let spit drip almost on her face and suck it back up. HORRIBLE but hilarious! I’m not a big prankster on account of I don’t like being pranked. 🙂
Hahaha that’s disgusting and SUCH a brother thing. And you know– that’s a good reason for not playing pranks, you are clearly much better at the golden rule than I am!
Not so, but you can think that, if you like. 😉
I’m not an “April Fool’s Day” kinda guy – but my wife, it turns out – is. Last year the day arrived and I was typically oblivious to it and was just getting ready upstairs when I heard my son cry out in pain from the kitchen. I raced downstairs and saw my daughter looking aghast and holding his arm out — covered in blood! Cue – heart in throat, pull yourself together man and deal with this shit daddy mode – and then smiles broke out on their faces -“April fool’s!” they shouted together. And my wife comes out from around the corner pointing at my panicked face and laughing her ass off. Have I mentioned that my wife needs a swift kick in the ass?
I think your wife and I would get along great 😀 That is hilarious!
Sure, sure – you two laugh heartily at the heart attack I so nearly had. Ooooh, women are vicious. Vicious I tells ya! 😀
I love it!!!
You are my newest favorite person. +
Regarding the plane thing, I download a bunch of episodes of that Nat Geo show “Air Crash Investigation” and watch it whenever I take a long flight, you should see the look on people’s faces and the flight attendants, just lovely.
I like to terrorise my dates, I just love it, I think it’s the best thing in life.
I wrote a post about something that I pulled on a guy I was dating, I would link it but I think self-promoting it’s plain rude (honeslty, I’m on my phone and looking through old posts it’s a pain in the ass).
I’m currently married and I collect roaches (dead) and plant them around the house because I know the guy I married hates them. Whenever I hear “Leoooooooo, you are f*cking idiot!!”, my life is filled with joy.
HAHAHA I can’t believe they let you get away with that on a flight! I once watched “My Sisters Keeper” on a flight and bawled like I myself had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I’m sure it was unnnerving to my fellow passengers but not as much as plane crash footage!
You should totally send a link when you get to a normal computer. I’m all about exchanging these kinds of stories.
One of my colleagues has a rubber cockroach that she uses to terrorize her staff. It’s an effective management tool, I hear.
I don’t know…does it say something that the only prank you think you could pull off is changing your status on FB to “in a relationship”?
It says that you are more kind hearted person with more important things to do than go about wreaking havoc.
And, funny 😉
Aw thanks! Although, I’ve always wanted to be a prankster. I’m just not good at lying and I cry easily.
Easy tears can be a tremendous asset when pulling pranks… You could be on to something..
You’re a slightly evil woman and I slightly like you for it. Okay, okay, I like you a lot for it. Those were all good. Most of the strangers I mess with are kids. If they wander away from their parents and get up in my business, I figure they’re fair game.
Oh yeah, messing with kids is a must! I like it when some cheeky children try to do something obnoxious (and a little cute, I’ll admit) while I’m driving by them playing. I always do something uber weird back at them– like a dance or a weird face or something. I like to tell myself it’s helping our nation’s children develop a fondness for the odd.
You’re so twisted. I think that’s why I like you. Hope I NEVER get on your bad side. 🙂
Dun dun duuuuun!
Thanks 😉
🙂
Ha!! I’m totally guilty of number 4.
Thanks for the chuckles, especially loved number 5.
Haha Number 4 is like a big karma circle sweeping across the earth! Thanks for reading 🙂
Two things come to mind…a hundred and five years ago when I was a waitress, I had a table that was so horrible to me. It was like 20 people and they gave me a $5 tip or something outrageous after making me run around all night long and taking up my whole section. Since I was afraid to really do something nasty to them, I got my friend (another waitress) who would, and she spit right into their food I was wrapping up! I still feel guilty…
And the other isn’t a stranger, but I was in the midst of firing one of my employees who has just all around sucked. I was waiting for some paperwork from HR or something before I could officially send him packing, but as he was standing right in front of me, waiting for the final axe to drop, I walked over to his desk, scooped up his business cards and threw them into the trash exclaiming loudly, “Well, you won’t be needing THESE anymore!”.
That’s all I got for ya…
Woah! BRUTAL. Ack, the food spitting really happens?! Sounds like they deserved it though.
And, um, that is hilarious that you did that to an employee– I WISH we could get away with that at my job but we are too worried about everyone’s “feelings” *sigh*
Excellent stories!
I thought I should let you know that today, I broke the copier in my office. Legit broke a piece right off inside as I was trying to follow the ridiculous unjamming diagram. Since I am actually the manager of my office, I just went ahead and declared that there shall be no more copying. And then I went home.
Haha! The only thing you can do in such a situation is just walk away. Hilarious.
GOOD for you for changing the e-mail settings for that douche on the phone!! What a tool! This is crazyness hahahaha you crack me uupppp! I can’t think of intentional cruelties to strangers, but I do have some stories of cruel acts done to friends.
Haha well those are certainly welcome as well! Future blog post idea, haha…
re: #2 It wouldn’t bother me, actually, but then, I just happen to be oriented that way, happily married to a woman… oriented that way. But also, I wouldn’t dare be that asinine (I’ve worked in service jobs), and if I had enough money for a fancy smartphone, it’d have to say: “Sent from my Androgynous Android.” Only that way would the prank be effective, because even if I had money, it still probably wouldn’t be enough for Apple products.
“I feel the need to correct any impressions you may have that I am either a victim or a decent-hearted human being.”
Oh no. You’re not foolin’ me. I figure you are good enough, just you have a personality with chaotic tendencies. Textbook Dungeons & Dragons Chaotic Good alignment, you see: one character example is called “The Loveable Rogue,” or the Errol Flynn sort of Robin Hood.
I think those whom have commented above would agree. You know what one of the definitions of a real friend is, right? A friend will visit you in jail. A real friend will sit with you in that jail cell, and say, “Dude, that was AWESOME!”
Haha I love your definition of a “real friend,” Jak– that is so true. I also think you may be right about my chaotic tendencies… *le sigh* Perhaps I’m a junkie for chaos.
“Androgynous Android” is rather clever– and yeah, I figured it would bother that guy because he was lording over me like I was his little kitchen wench. Barf.
Thanks for coming back 😉
I was a HUGE prankster growing up and loved messing with people. I realized I may have to stop when my friend lost his mind at me in class about how I went too far. Turns out, someone had shaving cream’ed his parents driveway and also did stuff to his car which caused damage. The (very inappropriate) message and coordinating artwork written with the shaving cream wouldn’t go away with a hose so he was forced to pressure wash the driveway. I tried my best to convince everyone it wasn’t me but I don’t think he ever believed me. So, that prank was on both him and me. Never did find out who messed with him.
Oh, that just made me think of a 2nd one – my friend parked his 3 day brand new car in the driveway and my dad backed into it with his behemoth station wagon. I told my friend what happened while we were at the restaurant and he wouldn’t believe me. My dad was so annoyed he walked in to the restaurant and just plopped the new car’s headlight and a bunch of other thingamabobs on our table and said “Do you believe her now?”.
Oh that is teeerrrrrible…. I like your Dad’s attitude though haha.
And you clearly WERE quite the prankster if both times your friends did not believe you!
Yes but those days are over 😉
Ah, that’s no bueno! I definitly don’t like those kinds of pranks… I’m more a fan of sneaky than cruel haha.
Back in the 80s (when it was legal) my friend worked in Sausalito carving ivory for a high-fashion jeweler. She got bored one day and took some of the ivory dust and put it in a jewelery bag, which she then left under one of the tourist benches across the street. The horrible thing about this prank (OK one of the horrible things) is that ivory is made of the same stuff as teeth, so the dust from grinding it smells similar to the smell that happens when the dentist is grinding teeth.
My friend’s take on the cruelty involved was that anyone dumb enough to snort an unidentified yellowish powder out of a plastic baggie they found on the ground in Sausalito without even tasting a little of it first to ascertain what it was deserves what they get. She also claimed that she breathed it in all the time while grinding it, and as far as she could tell, it wasn’t immediately harmful. Nor was it water soluble, so trying to inject it wouldn’t have worked. So no-one was physically harmed as much as they would have been had it been actual drugs in the baggies. And yes I do mean baggies, as she did this at least 3 times.
Hahaha wow, your friend sounds like a rather interesting individual! First, to work as an ivory carver, and Second– to play pranks on anonymous drug users. I love that she got her kicks out of knowing that someone… somewhere… was going to fall for it. Hilarious.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Doug!
Did you REALLY said all those things! As in, really? I’m not sure whether I totally love you or passionately hate you.
Plus, omg #2 : D
Priceless!
And #5’s outcome is just to be good to belong to this realm.
I totally did. I am horrible and deserving of passionate hatred. I just couldn’t help myself, it was a beautiful opportunity.
Yes. I will admit that esp #1 was just too damn good to pass up.
Hate it is.
HYSterical. I used to work in a 24-hour (AAA type) office and once in a while I’d get put on the overnight shift which was exhausting and boring as hell. So I’d make use of the multiple phone lines and call unsuspecting folk (or sometimes out of state family members) and link the lines together and listen to them go on and on about…no, you called me. Childish…maybe but entertaining as hell. Thanks for the laugh!
NO. WAY. How have I never thought of doing this???? Even just while at work… Especially with people who don’t like each other… Oh my gosh, you are a freaking genius.
It’s quite entertaining. Lol
I just found this blog and love it. One time my parents were away, and so it was just my sis and I. I decided to pretend there was a mouse in the kitchen. When she went in super carefully I waited until she was near the sink, crept behind quietly and went “squeak squeak”. You wouldn’t believe how high she jumped! (And yes she forgave me and got her own back)
Terrible terrible brother… I know your type… I have four of them, all older. *sigh* SUCH abuse 😉
I have an actual mouse in my kitchen right now. I don’t know what to do. I want it dead but I want it swiftly dead and can’t bear some slow treacherous end to it’s life… While I figure this out I am sure it is busy making babies beneath my washing machine.
So you’re the youngest in the family too? Being a practical joker is almost expected 🙂 I wish all mice were as friendly as Mickey
I’ll take that justification! And you know… When I think about it, I’m not sure that mice are all that unfriendly– it’s just their existence within my personal space that is intolerable. It’s like the storyline of that book “House of Sand and Fog” and someone has to die at the end.
I Love this post! – I used to be a manager in a restaurant and play havoc with the new starters. I’d always send one of them to take the rubbish out to the bin shed for them to be unexpectedly “attacked” by a flock of hungry pigeons… Their reactions were hilarious, mainly due to me watching them on camera from the comfort of the office…A crappy one was our head office like their paperwork emailed in a certain order… with me it was always sent either in the wrong order or in 6 separate e-mails only for the morning manager to receive a not so nice phone call from them asking for an explanation.. Ahh the good old days………..
Haha that is just cruel! I take people on tours of old buildings where I work and there is a door to a balcony where it is always guaranteed that a pigeon will fly in your face when you open it– I always unlock it and am like “here, go ahead!” *priceless*
Watching people on video is something I miss from working in retail… I have access to video now but it’s psych patients and that’s just not right. When a staff person reports that they fell or something… that’s worth taking a look at though 😉
oh my gosh! we would have so much fun together! i love violating social norms (: its fun to make people feel awkward and all that! love the story about the guy on the plane! i would have died! hahaha some people just make it too easy!
Yes! A kindred spirit, huzzah! Being awkward– intentionally– keeps us young, I say.
it does! its fun (:
Customer service jobs have to be the worst jobs in the whole world. People are assholes. I once worked for a cable TV company, and when a woman complained that her cable was out and what was she going to do with her kids, my response was “Oh, I don’t know — why don’t you actually spend some time with them — you might find out you actually like them!”
Haha! That’s crazy that she was worried about what to do with her kids without TV?! That makes me think of the movie “Cable Guy”… not a great parenting outcome.
OMG I think I love you…….LOL. Seriously though how much fun is it to dick with other people. Especially when they deserve it (Mr busy Bi-phone guy) but even when it is just an unsuspecting bystander. And I can hear Mr Siddle now as he catches you from his kitchen window. Hey honey….That beautiful, crazy redhead and her friend are taking drunk pics by our sign again……..LMAO. Have fun and keep inspiring.
John
Haha! I’m glad I’ve found a kindred spirit in you! Poor Mr. Siddles probably misses us by now… it’s been over a year since we last graced his property in the wee hours of the night… might be time for a reunion soon.
Better get your camera ready. Ever think about photo shopping your faces blurry, and each time you visit to take a photo, leave a copy of the previous photo tacked to the sign? In costume for Halloween, Decked out for Christmas etc? Just my crazy mind working overtime, so I don’t have to ACTUALLY work while being at work. LOL. didn’t you recently post on that topic as well?
Yes, yes I did! If I am an expert on anything (other than making mistakes) it is on wasting vast amounts of time. I like your photo-taunting-idea… I’m really up for any sort of tradition…
I enjoyed reading this! However, since I was a homeschooled, only child in a single parent home, I have taken everything far too seriously — especially if I even have the slightest conviction that someone out there was hurt or scared because of me! This also means that if someone plays a prank on me, I am so done.
Here’s the best one I can remember:
I was house-sitting for a family, in a house I’d stayed in multiple times, so I was pretty familiar with it. This family had recently gotten an ADORABLE PUPPY, and while they were leaving his stuff at home, they were taking Mojo with them on their holiday so I wouldn’t have to worry about him.
After about 5 days of staying there, I had some girlfriends over. We went down to the basement to watch a movie, and one girl looked down into Mojo’s kennel.
“Carly….”
“Yeah?”
“Have you seen Mojo recently?”
“No, he’s with his family, why?”
“Maybe they forgot to tell you but…he’s in here…and he doesn’t look so good!”
I didn’t even look, I just burst into tears of confusion and terror at the thought of a dead puppy in that kennel and having to tell the family and HOW DID I NOT KNOW HE WAS IN THERE FOR THE PAST 5 DAYS.
Then the girls all started laughing, I looked in the kennel, realized it was empty, and started flail punching anyone near me.
I don’t recommend you do this to anyone. This should go on the “To Not To” List.
Actually, I take it back! A couple years later, I got my revenge on that friend!
A group of us were playing in a park at midnight (cause that’s what teenagers in a small town do for fun), and when nobody was looking, I snuck away and climbed into a tube-like thing, just leaving my feet dangling out.
10 minutes went by. I’m incredibly patient.
Finally, I started hearing some panicked voices: “Guys..is someone over there? Where’s Carly? Did you see her? Are those her shoes? CARLY! CARLY! OMG she’s not responding, someone call 911.”
Okay, so at that point, I came back to life. I was dedicated, but not enough to involve authorities!
Ha! Well then you turned out just fine, you prankster! No better prank than convincing your friends you’ve met an untimely death! I can picture it well, your feet dangling out *creepy*
Haha! That is HORRIBLE, I would die! A poor, sad, neglected puppy!
And that makes sense about the correlation between prankness and only-childness… I wouldn’t have thought of that but there’s most definitely a connection. Perhaps I’m so conniving and evil because I’m the youngest of 5 and grew up bathed in tricks and pranks! At least that’s the excuse I’m going with…
I never played pranks before as I was the bullied one alot but there were like 2 times I did that one scared the shit out of the guy I was playing online RPG with and the other was just me being graphic about how X Files monster eat brains, livers or even fats off of people and seeing the reaction was like hehe
Ha! Just scaring people with horrifying details of monsters etc. absolutely counts.
I’ve been getting caught up with your posts, slowly but surely… it’s been a while… I can’t believe you did that to poor Ryan on the airplane! You naughty girl! I’ve done so many naughty things… when we were kids we’d tie a string across our street (not a busy road) with TP or other stuff hanging off of it and watch (hidden, from a safe distance of course) as the cars would stop and the drivers curse… When I was in my 20’s I was dating a great guy, I don’t know why I broke up with him, guess he wasn’t mean enough to me, anyway, one night we got stoned with my sister and drove around our neighborhood stealing election yard signs, (it was election time, duh!) when the car was filled up we stuck them all in the yard of one of his friend’s. He woke up the next morning to a lovely sight. Later we found out that he was really pissed because it was a rental and he was worried about what his landlord would do because the lawn was filled with holes from the signs, I don’t know what happened but we had so much fun, giggling ourselves to the point of almost wetting our pants 🙂 I wish I could read all of these comments, but there are just too many, some of them are hilarious! Now on to read your next post…
Haha! So funny about the election signs! One of my friends actually met her husband that way… She and a group of our friends had been driving around picking up those signs, then left them in a friends yard in the middle of the night. As they were driving away, they noticed a stop sign that had been knocked over and got way too ambitious. They picked it up, someone saw, and the cops were called. The guy who was driving was arrested and they told the others to find a ride. They called everyone they knew and finally a random guy who lived in the same dorm answered, picked them up, met my friend, they fell in love, married for three years now.
That was like a big long ramble but anyways– true love!
And here I thought we were so original-LOL! Thank goodness we didn’t get caught. That’s so sweet, a great love story for them to tell their children, well, maybe not, might give them ideas… 🙂 I am the queen of big rambles, sorry I’ve been posting so many of them!
No, I love rambles! And it really is an excellent story– I told it at their rehearsal dinner during the toast and most people had NO idea! Woops, haha!
Has anyone attempted to turn the tables on you? That might be quite a challenge.
As a kid living in a small village we used to swop garden gates around and garden furniture. We became highly skilled in the art of placing gnomes in comproming positions. Tying the door knockers of houses opposit each other together with cotton was also a favourite.
As we grew up (sort of) the pranks got larger. One night several of us placed a builders air compressor in the flower bed of a walled garden. That took some doing as it was too large to get through the garden gate.
As you demonstrate having the master keys produces great opportunities. A group of us once completely emptied a friends room on campus, locking the door afterwards, carefully reconstructing their room/furniture in the common room. On another occasion we used wall paper on cardboard with a brick pattern to block up doorways and corridors with diversion signs…
I once had a neighbour who was obsessed with keeping a roadside parking space, he had even bought two bright yellow traffic cones. One morning after he had moved his car, stopped and placed his bollards where his car had been, I nipped out and used 6 inch nails to fix them to the road
But I bow in the presence of a true player of games. You’re hilarious… but also a little scary. Love it
Hahahaha oh my gosh, these are the worthiest of pranks, I love it! Anything that involves rearranging an entire room in the wrong location fills me with joy. The nails are a bit on the devious side but I will trust you that he deserved it. You are right up my alley with these sorts of pranks. We could get in some real trouble.
Reginald Bollard was a disagreeable sort of chap…he sort of deserved it.
Pranks that went wrong – OK have to confess I’m not proud of these but…
During an A level biology lesson in which we had to skin a frog I tied the skin to the end of a curve tap, then gently turned it on…the skin filled up making it look like a frog struggling to get up the tap head first…I quietly walked away waiting for the screams…it didn’t take long.
A couple of us once wrapped the principles car in newspaper. It looked quite amazing if I might say so. Unfortunately we hadn’t taken into account what selotape does to cars paint work…
I agree i recon we would be in big trouble if we joined forces. Mind you, it sounds like you have a few deserving characters in your daily life haha
I could NOT have handled the frog prank, I’d be the perfect butt of that joke, vomitting all over myself. But wrapping anything in something unreasonable (desks in cellophane? doors in toilet paper?) is my idea of a good time.
Today I found Wanda’s personal budget sitting on the printer. I couldn’t believe that someone with such an upstanding moral character would be using the company’s time and resources for her personal life *gasp*
Re Wanda…why do I get the feeling you might have made something of that opportunity… 🙂
I’ve got such a vivid memory of that frog skin. It comes with a heavy conscience attached. I hated those lessons where some poor creature had to die for the purpose of our education. There has to be a word for that, a part from ‘wrong’
I wrapped my friends / colleagues phone in a single sheet of cling film the other day (cling film & toilets…another back-fire story…oh dear) & got myself in bother as I hadn’t realised I’d pressed auto dial whilst doing it. Sadly the auto dial number was my boss (who hasn’t a well developed sense of humour)… My friend got his own back very swiftly by redirecting all new supply orders to my desk. It took me hours just to move the boxes so I could get to my desk…& of course my phone had been sobotaged
I used to take a a dead light bulb and smash the glass away, then attach a very tightly packed paper lolly bag of flour with a banger inside it.
Fuse wire was wrapped around the wick and attached to the bare prongs on the bulb.
Tape would cover the bare connections (safety first!) and secure the bag. Later models included an attractor, e.g. a small toy or some mysterious decoration so the victim wouldn’t get bored and leave before the fuse burned down.
The fuse wire makes a wee flash when the light switch is used, then the banger fuse fizzes interestingly, which tends to position the victim directly underneath.
A small washroom or toilet stall is ideal, and considerate for cleanup. Also it is acoustically optimal.
Fine cornflour leaves a nice cloud hanging in the air.
One should leave a cryptic and ominous message on the device but I didn’t think of that.
The NSA has recorded the fact that you just read a post that would have been automatically classified as a “bomb-making recipe” even if I hadn’t written this sentence.
No big deal, you just get a point or two added to your score. So long as you or your children & friends don’t collect over x points in the next 40 years you should be fine to fly.
I’m going to have to read this about ten more times and possibly print it out for note taking before I fully understand. But after that… watch out world.
Oh, and I’m pretty sure the NSA has me on their list of “probably harmless but potentially disastrous” humans.
Oh our Halloween party every year of course. We hang sheets in the windows that have “help me” written in blood on them. Not real blood. But neighbors and passersby don’t know that : )
Hahaha! You’re THOSE people! That’s amazing. I should’ve known…
When he was about 9, my evil brother poured ketchup all lover himself for a Judy and Mickey style horror show. The show fizzled out quickly, so my brother lay down on the side of the road. The woman who found him was, surprisingly not amused.
Oh my gosh, he laid down on the roadside??? I would have a PANIC attack if I saw a child on the roadside, I’d probably CAUSE a wreck and/or drive into a tree in my attempts to rescue said child.
It was a simpler age. Fred just stood up, giggled and RAN!9
Obviously a missed opportunity here, Aussa. You should have propositioned the guy with the gum/meth and paid for your whole trip!
Right? If only I’d chosen him for my unsolicited body grazing and sexual remarks. This trip could’ve involved hydrochloric acid, RVs, and an exploding tortoise.
Alyssa! I’m surprised at you! Based on everything you’ve written, I always thought you has a thing for tortoises.
Wai Wai Wait! It wasn’t MY idea, it was the drug cartel south of the border! I shed a tear for the poor tortuga.
Spell check changed your name, not me. Although I actually do that in real life all the time.
Hahahaha I assumed as such, wasn’t planning on saying anything. Usually it switches to “Aussie.”