I find it equal parts comforting and amusing when other people on the interwebs can relate to my absurd or traumatic experiences. However– I dug deep within the catacombs of my Mistake Pit and pulled out an experience that I think may actually be a rarity. See, a couple months ago I had the pleasure of serving myself with a subpoena.
Don’t Be Jealous
Just in case you missed out on Judge Judy, a subpoena is a magical sheet of paper that someone who spent $90,000 on law school can send to you if they want to make you show up somewhere at a certain time. Usually there are these people called “process servers” who are paid to track you down and “serve” you with the subpoena.
Some of us get to live in a special world of award where we can skip that step.
I feel like my whole life had been leading up to this moment– I was ready, and I rocked it. Now, I’d like to give you some insight into the process in hopes that perhaps you might one day be fortunate enough to do the same.
Because Lawyers Are So Competent
Signs That You May Soon Be Serving Yourself With A Subpoena:
1. Did you recently find out that your psycho-ex-boyfriend is suing your employer for wrongful termination?
2. Did you find this out because you were in a meeting and someone casually used the sentence “when you testify” before attempting to shove their foot in their mouth when you began having an anxiety attack?
3. Is your legal department run by a bunch of As-Seen-On-TV Pretend Lawyers who flew with the Phoenix?
Who Wouldn’t Feel Confident
If you answered yes to any of these questions then you’re on the right track!
When your time comes, remember these steps:
Step One: Demand to know why it took a year for them to inform you that you’re their KEY WITNESS.
Step Two: Try not to put your fist through a wall when they tell you that you were subpoenaed five months ago but they must have lost the subpoena “because it’s a really big building”.
Yeeeeaaaaahhhh…..
Step Three: Tell them they’d better find it because you’re not going to volunteer for a day of having your psycho-ex take a big nasty shit on you.
Step Four: Pay your attorney $325 an hour to copy and paste your own demands into an e-mail so that they’ll actually take you seriously and serve you with a damn subpoena.
Step Five: After three weeks of being ignored by your legal department, screen all their incoming calls when they become frantic at the prospect that you actually might not show up.
Step Six: Forgive your boss when he tells you that the legal department is going to e-mail him your subpoena so he can serve it to you.
Step Seven: When your boss realizes his printer is out of ink, tell him to just forward the e-mail to you.
Step Eight: Open the attachment. Hit print.
Step Nine: Lift subpoena from printer like a long-anticipated child being birthed.
Behold, The Only Thing Greater Than Yourself
Step Ten: Hold subpoena in left hand and then pass to right hand and repeat the following sentence:
“You’ve been served.”
And now you may join the ranks of the few and mighty.
Have you ever had to complete a task that shouldn’t have been yours to do in the first place? Do you have any tales of incompetent lawyers? Lastly, what are your subpoena-nightmare stories?
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That is just… insane! God bless incompetent management. I worked for more that a few companies with… erm… “mentally challenged” staff populating them in my time but I think you hit the jackpot.
Seriously… I work with our legal department on other lawsuits and they will seriously just straight up forget the plaintiff’s names. It’s just a constant facepalm up in that place.
Good God, what a nightmare. …But I can’t wait to read your posts about the trial. Sorry for the overt schadenfreude, this is completely fascinating though.
Haha okay so I hate to betray my ignorance, but I had to google “schadenfreude” and it’s totally going to be my new favorite word. And also my life goal.
THAT hearing has already come and gone (THANK GOD!) in August– I’ll definitely write about it soon! But I have another one soon that I am still waiting to hear the court date. Yay :-/ I’m thinking of sneaking my iPhone into the courtroom and live tweeting or something. I can create my very own hashtag……..
The day I discovered schadenfreude a few years ago was the happiest day if my life. 🙂 I feel honored to be the one to introduce it to you.
If you live tweet during court I swear I will totally fangirl all over you.
HAHAHAHA!!!! Okay, challenge ACCEPTED. Now I am actually kind of looking forward to it so I can go all twitter on him.
What a mess up. Luckily, although I’ve had to complete tasks that weren’t mine in the first place, none of them have been legal issues. I wouldn’t know where to begin. And yes, the thought of testifying and being a key witness would stress me out. Given my professional background, I’ve come close to having to offer my opinion on a couple cases, but they settled out before I had to. Phew.
I’m definitely going to blog on it soon enough, but I’ll say it was a weird mixture of horrifying and amusing. AKA a totally effed up situation. Being cross examined was super intense but also like a game. I don’t know, I guess I’m just a junkie for weird… But if you ever have to testify for your job you’ll probably know what I mean– it’s a strange thing to be forced to do.
I like to serve myself a subpoena with a side of fries. Fries make anything better…even bad legal news. 🙂
I told my boyfriend that I get a new pair of shoes every time I have to appear in court. So yes- there is always a bright side 😉
Always look on the bright side of life… 🙂
I’m impressed, as usual! I also feel the pain of paying extortionate amounts for a lawyer to copy & paste something you have written so that someone takes it seriously (on the company though, so no furries). Unfortunately, that someone then told the lawyer to get lost, which very much upset my worldview on the order of things and the circle of life. I had to file the dispute myself, so needn’t have bothered with said lawyer in between. Sigh.
Hahahaha I love how you said it upset your worldview– I KNOW. So much of the process just made me stop and be like “WAIT, WHAT?!” Ugh, it’s true what they said about life not being fair!
A few years back..(isn’t that how all stories start) my daughter was in high school, a ghetto high school. She was beat up by 3 innocent girls. We sought three restraining orders. In court the three girls showed up looking like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths.
Ahh their parents didn’t bother showing up. So the judge reads the Facebook text and other texts they sent my daughter. The courtroom erupted in ahhh’s and no they did not do that. After the judge read out the texts into record he had all three girls stand up and he asked in a sarcastic voice, “so you three innocent young girls are just trying to get an education aren’t you?” All three replied in this cutesy voice, “Yes your honor.” He then imposed the permanent restraining order. The courtroom erupted in woohoo’s. It was truly classic.
Good for that judge! Holy shit, beat up by 3 girls??? What is wrong with people? That’s so horrible, I bet it took everything in you not to just let loose on them. I hope your daughter came out okay in the end?
Yeah we had to get her transferred out of that ghetto high school into another hell hole but she survived.. These little angels could have given me a beat down.
Good, I’m glad she got away. And, um, yikes. That’s what big sticks are for.
I insist you write about where you work.. The vast material alone could write novels.. Life isn’t one flew over the nest…. Real life dramas sans nurse ratchet.
Haha I so so badly want to write a memoir about that place and weave in the story of the psycho ex (because that’s where I met him and where the biggest violation eventually occurred). Just need to get it scheduled into my life…
You got the ability and the material. I spent a week there and I have enough for a screenplay.
I’m still laughing over “flew with the Phoenix.” Where I work, we don’t use the P-word.
Will you cross examine yourself?
Haha where I work, we assume that almost EVERYONE has flown with the phoenix 😉 Drowning in incompetence over here.
The trial for which I was subpoenaed is actually over (WHEW!) though I have another one coming up at some point, not sure when just yet. For this one I was cross examined by his attorney and it was a NIGHTMARE– but I’m pretty sure his attorney had a much worse day than me, so that was a comfort at least 😉 I’ll have to blog about it soon… Thanks for the comment!
I look forward to reading about it!
Your sense of humor is classic. I have incompetent lawyer stories and subpoena stories, but they are tragic and I haven’t yet discovered any humor in them. Well, that’s not entirely true. My ex hit a process server with his car which only pissed the PS off and set him out with a vengeance to get my ex. That was kind of funny. For me. Not the PS.
I read this comment aloud to the boyfriend and was DYING laughing– that is ridiculous.
And dang, well– if you find the humor in them then I’d love to be the first to know 🙂
Yeah, I work at a place where everybody is so busy sucking up to the guy above and doing his job for him that they don’t get time to do their own…so, being as shit rolls down hill, I’m often left to do my bosses job just so I’ve got one. I’m a sparky though, which brings with it not just that mystique of someone who works with something that is invisible and can kill you but special keys as well…sooo, if the douchbag demands get too onerous I just threaten to turn their lights off…instant co-operation every time after that first brazen “Oh yeah? You can’t do that!”
Hahaha I love the whole “works with something that is invisible and can kill you” damn, I need to show a little respect for the electrician at work, don’t I?! Thanks for the comment– always good to know I’m not the only one working with morons 😉
Spooky Aussa, two ranggas, who work with morons, who blog…are we stalking each other or is the Universe stalking both of us?? BTW, how do you pronounce yer name?
I prefer to believe that the universe is stalking me, always.
And just like “Aussie” but with an “uuuuuhhhhhh” at the end, which makes perfect sense.
Check!
Dude, you have the BEST STORIES. I mean, sure I am sorry that you’ve gone through what you have gone through..but damn..it all results in some great stroies.
That’s what I keep telling myself…. 😉 Thanks Michelle!
I would just like to take a moment to thank psycho ex-boyfriend for this blog. Because without him, some of these amazing stories may just not have come to fruition.
Hahaha Sarah, that is the perspective I’m trying to take as well 😉
HO–Lee–Shit! I can’t believe that actually happened!! SOOO funny!
Where do you get your awesome photos? Mine always come out so small. Great job! I’m officially awed with your mad blogging skills. 🙂
“mad blogging skills” hahahaha I feel like I’m still stumbling around not understanding anything. Another blogger mentioned “Freshly Pressed” the other day and I was like “Whaaaa? What’s that?” Oh, just that thing at the very top of every WordPress screen. *facepalm* And– I steal the photos from google!!!! Or the ones with writing I just make on my iPad when I’m pretending to be trying to fall asleep.
Thanks for the comment, Beth– you always make me feel good about my ridiculousness 😉
Classic! I’ve served myself up as a witness before (taking on the boss in court). Total nightmare and dumbest thing I ever did, even if he did end up in jail.
It was so horrifying– were you cross examined? It’s terrible to have your entire IDENTITY called into question in a public forum. I’m amazed he ended up in jail?! Must be quite the story there…
Yes, I was, and it was! They tried to bring in my personal life. Luckily for me I have a killer poker face, so that went down like lead. Maybe one day I’ll tell that story 😉 Like to here more about yours, too! The courts are no friends of the witnesses, that’s for sure.
Ugh, the personal life– little did we know, it’s EVERYONE’S business once you’re in a courtroom. Well, I would looove to hear sometime 😀
I’m an attorney. I have never been a litigator, but I work for a state agency which, like most state agencies, gets sued regularly. As a result, I’m involved in litigation by helping the attorneys who represent us in that litigation. All I can say is that there is a reason I never became a litigator. The entire process sucks and most litigators are asses.
I hope I didn’t offend you with my attorney bashing 😉 My own attorney is a badass and worth the $325 an hour. And oh, state agencies… such a joy!
No worries. There are plenty of lousy attorneys out there.
Be careful! I know of several “legal” cases where employees were fired for criticizing their employer on facebook.
Hopefully this blog is not known to them!
I enjoy it.
Haha very true, I could find myself in another legal battle 😉 And very few people in my actual life know about this blog. Also– I openly criticize the legal department while I’m at work. I criticize them when I write them e-mails and when I answer their phone calls 😉
oh poor you. Luckily for us in SA, we have sheriffs who have to serve the supboenaes (with a cheque) and if this isn’t done, then you simply don’t have to pitch. Along with a number of technicalities that can be raised to get you out of a subpoena. I have also had to testify twice, and regardless of the fact that I know what to expect, it is always nerve -wrecking. Even in this part of the world, the lawyer stories ring the same- sad!
But on a lighter note, if you can get through cross-examination, you can pretty much get through anything and with all your experiences, Im sure you can survive anything 😉
Thanks Yolandi! The hearing was in August– I survived 😉 and the cross examination was the biggest circus I’ve ever been involved in. I’ll be blogging about it sooner or later… I was fortunate that he’d told her a bunch of super delusional lies about me, so it just made both of them look stupid. At one point, the judge actually started laughing.
As head of HR, I was the resident expert on how to fire people so they stay fired and don’t sue. So I was amazed the first time some poor schmuck was drafted to come and tell me that because of downsizing/ merger/ or just plain ass-hatness, they were going to have to let me go, and would I please draft myself the usual separation agreement with $XX pitiful severance? I stumbled home, tearfully called my attorney, who happily called their attorney, and a MUCH more reasonable settlement was arranged.
Since I worked mostly in the volatile high-tech sector, this scenario repeated on more than one occasion, but now I was prepared. “Really?” my little speech would start out. “Are you sure that looking back over ALL the agreements I’ve drafted for you, all the lawsuits I’ve managed for you, all the money I know to the penny you’ve paid out to cover up your executives’ shenanigans — after thinking over all of that, I’m confident that the amount you actually meant to quote to me has one more zero before the decimal point. At least. I’ll just get that typed up, and you can have the check ready for me by the time I finish loading my coffee cup and gym bag into my car.”
Good times.
Haha that is amazing– you certainly had some leverage. I don’t know if I would have that same degree of bargaining power though the whole “Really? I know your secrets” might help out a bit 😉
Also, it sounds like we could use your help on thoroughly firing people– and I have a nice long list of people who just need to go…
Thanks for reading and sharing this delicious comment 🙂
Yeah, that hasn’t happened to me…yet
*dun dun duuuuuun*
At least you’ll be safe from subpoenas while you travel! Jealous.
No, I have not had to do anything like this. And I have a feeling all of these things happen to you for our benefit. Which makes me feel a little bit guilty…. 😉
Hahaha no guilt necessary, they always tell you “these things happen for a reason,” I just didn’t realize the reason was to entertain the people of the interwebs 😉
😉 Oh the things that happened in the past….all to land right here….. I am glad we are taking advantage of it.
I’ve sued many people in my life but never gone through the process of serving myself (with a subpoena that is).
31 October 2013 • 5:07 PM –
Time stamp is totally off, it’s 12:12pm here.
Am I traveling in time?
How do I fix this?! It’s driving me crazy.
I found this:
http://wordpress.org/support/topic/where-does-wordpress-get-the-time-from?replies=6
and this:
http://wordpress.org/support/topic/incorrect-time-stamp-on-comments
Hope it helps.
Aw, thank you! Okay– will now commence reading this during my meeting… Hopefully I can get it remedied. Thanks for your help!
As someone who serves subpoenas every day, I found your post hilarious!
Are you a process server?! I bet you have AMAZING stories!!!
I work for the police department. Oh yes, I’ve heard it all! 🙂
OooOoOooo fun! Two of my brother’s are police officers, they always have *interesting* experiences to share.
Aussa, sucks that this has happened- yet I found myself smiling at the innate comedy that you were able to squeeze out of this absurd situation. Good luck with all of this!
Haha- thank you! More to come, no doubt.
This is tour legal department…….good grief, Charlie Brown!!! Amazing!!
This is your, not tour….oops! Think I’m ready to become what of your lawyers!!!!
Haha oh– they’ll hire anyone, welcome aboard!
Oh my gosh!!!!!! One, not what…..LOL, I do work in your legal department!!!!!!
Hahahahahaha!!!!! Just driving the point home, that’s all.
Holy shit! That is so funny. I mean, it might not have been funny for you… I’m pretty sure you ahve to be part of the “serving of the supbenoa” but not BOTH SIDES.
Just another example of me being an over achiever in life…. *right*
I’m going to go ahead and say that I’ve done some stupid things like going to college, but never done been subpeoned. I would like to get paid to serve people. It would be fun to see all the bitter looks.
That does seem like a perfect job for you… Hmm.. career change? Wait. I don’t think you can do this from your couch… dangit.
I’ll just email it to them. I will revolutionize the industry.
Haha okay– seriously though. That would actually make sense.
As per usually, I love this post.
OMG, you FOUGHT to get your own subpoena. Wow. Just wow.
My stories of lawyers and courtrooms are insane, but this is AWESOME.
Under ‘independent’ in the Oxford Dictionary should be your face. You didn’t even need someone to serve you a subpoena.
Haha! I’m going to need you to interpret all my life circumstances, because this is a truly positive spin. That’s right world– I’ll serve my OWN subpoena, wapow!
Hehe, you got it! : ))
My mother worked for criminal attorneys for 20 years and my brother and I served process for one of my mom’s bosses a few times. Our schtick was that I (12 years old) would wear my carrying bags from my paper route and knock on the recalcitrant target’s door, and if they answered my brother (23 years old, 6’5″, 235 lbs.) would follow on and hand them the papers. It didn’t always work, but when it did we got $20 each. Which seemed like a substantial amount at the time… god I feel old.
I got cross-examined once. I was there to testify about some questionable police conduct during a bogus raid of my house. The prosecutor asked me “Could you tell the court this officer’s name?” to which I replied “I don’t think we were introduced.” The judge just put her head in her hands and sighed.
Haha that’s amazing and very very crafty– I like it.
Yeah– when I was cross examined the attorney asked me questions like “and they didn’t feel it was suspicious that you were asking for this information?” and I’d be like “they never shared their feelings with me.” Lots of sighs from that judge as well haha
Great post. I was involved with the legal system for a few years (as a plaintiff). It sucked. See Charles Dickens’s “Bleak House” for more about lawyers and legal cases.
Funny how something written so long ago can maintain it’s relevance! I really will have to give it a read.
Husband #1 and I served each other for our divorce hearing, during a children’s visitation exchange.
We are both cheapskates and didn’t want to pay someone else to do it, lol!
Haha! At least you guys were in agreement on that, that’s hilarious! Sounds like a good idea, in my opinion!
ya,,,it’s his couch i’m sleeping on until my apartment is ready on the 16th.
We are still pretty good friends, just couldn’t be married to each other.
Trust me over these last few weeks we have been reminded just why we got divorced in the first place, lol
Wow! Yeah, dang well I’m impressed you all still have a somewhat amicable relationship!
Gotta do it for the kids babee!
Oh dear. That’s all I have to say about that. Your humour in relating the situation is wonderful, though.
“Laugh so you don’t cry” <– Thems the words to live by.
I don’t know how I ever missed this, but it’s hilarious. And I need to find a use for / borrow that “don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you.” Finally, “the catacombs of my Mistake Pit” is — “aussome.”
Haha I’m going to have to go back and reread this post because your comment is intriguing in and of itself!
You win, although I have been served in a very uncomfortable fashion. I went to dinner with my new boyfriend’s parents, a few months after my divorce from my cheating and abusive ex-husband. His brother was there, along with a family “friend” who ran the halfway house his drug addicted brother lived in. This “friend” btw is someone I briefly worked for until he let a crack addict detox on a mattress in my office. We’re in the middle of dinner and said “friend” says he forgot something in his car. Cue him handing me a stack of papers mid-sushi bite, and telling me “You’ve been served.” It was a “Defamation of Character” lawsuit from my ex, the asshole, and his cheating new girlfriend (who also used to be MY friend.) I went outside, read the suit, and my new-ish boyfriend came out and read it too. We promptly went inside, hugged his parents goodbye, told the dickhead “friend” he was never welcome at anything we were going to be present at, and sailed out of there. #youcantmakethisshitup
You’re kidding me. That is a craaaazy story. Good lord. I don’t even know where to begin. He cheated with your friend? Gross. Shame on them. And the dude served you while dining at the same place? Unreal. Please tell me his lawsuit never went anywhere.