I find it equal parts comforting and amusing when other people on the interwebs can relate to my absurd or traumatic experiences. However– I dug deep within the catacombs of my Mistake Pit and pulled out an experience that I think may actually be a rarity. See, a couple months ago I had the pleasure of serving myself with a subpoena.
Just in case you missed out on Judge Judy, a subpoena is a magical sheet of paper that someone who spent $90,000 on law school can send to you if they want to make you show up somewhere at a certain time. Usually there are these people called “process servers” who are paid to track you down and “serve” you with the subpoena.
Some of us get to live in a special world of award where we can skip that step.
I feel like my whole life had been leading up to this moment– I was ready, and I rocked it. Now, I’d like to give you some insight into the process in hopes that perhaps you might one day be fortunate enough to do the same.
Signs That You May Soon Be Serving Yourself With A Subpoena:
1. Did you recently find out that your psycho-ex-boyfriend is suing your employer for wrongful termination?
2. Did you find this out because you were in a meeting and someone casually used the sentence “when you testify” before attempting to shove their foot in their mouth when you began having an anxiety attack?
3. Is your legal department run by a bunch of As-Seen-On-TV Pretend Lawyers who flew with the Phoenix?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then you’re on the right track!
When your time comes, remember these steps:
Step One: Demand to know why it took a year for them to inform you that you’re their KEY WITNESS.
Step Two: Try not to put your fist through a wall when they tell you that you were subpoenaed five months ago but they must have lost the subpoena “because it’s a really big building”.
Step Three: Tell them they’d better find it because you’re not going to volunteer for a day of having your psycho-ex take a big nasty shit on you.
Step Four: Pay your attorney $325 an hour to copy and paste your own demands into an e-mail so that they’ll actually take you seriously and serve you with a damn subpoena.
Step Five: After three weeks of being ignored by your legal department, screen all their incoming calls when they become frantic at the prospect that you actually might not show up.
Step Six: Forgive your boss when he tells you that the legal department is going to e-mail him your subpoena so he can serve it to you.
Step Seven: When your boss realizes his printer is out of ink, tell him to just forward the e-mail to you.
Step Eight: Open the attachment. Hit print.
Step Nine: Lift subpoena from printer like a long-anticipated child being birthed.
Step Ten: Hold subpoena in left hand and then pass to right hand and repeat the following sentence:
“You’ve been served.”
And now you may join the ranks of the few and mighty.
Have you ever had to complete a task that shouldn’t have been yours to do in the first place? Do you have any tales of incompetent lawyers? Lastly, what are your subpoena-nightmare stories?
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