A few years ago I received an e-mail from the investigator who got my psycho-ex fired from our mutual employer– He informed me ever so casually that The Psycho was suing for wrongful termination and asked if I’d meet with their attorney to explain the more complicated details– usually this is code for “no one can believe you dated this crazy dude twice your age, I need you to come up here so I can win a $50 bet.”
This was the first I’d heard of the lawsuit and when I sat down to answer their questions they slipped in the phrase “when you testify.” I hit the ceiling– I’d already faced him in a courtroom when I got a restraining order. I’d had to deal with months of stalking, harassment, and abuse that left me with a stack of police reports, a panic button in my office, and a nightly ritual of waking up mid-fight in a pool of sweat. Now they were asking me to do it all over again.
I immediately went into Hacker-Ninja-Hooker-Spy mode and shot my hand across the desk to rifle through their court documents. The attorney was completely spaced out so she didn’t seem to notice.
Most of the paperwork looked familiar from the restraining order hearing– then I saw something that had a lot of bold font, ALL CAPS and exclamation points!!!!!! I snatched it up and began reading while the attorney was distracted by dust floating in the light from the window.
What I read on those pages was chart-topping fiction– and yours truly was the Main Character. I had no idea I was so damn scandalous. I’d apparently managed to sleep with half the hospital, rescue our patients from violent ex-cons, and hack into all sorts of secure databases. I had kicked so much arse that I was starting to develop a girl-crush on myself. I couldn’t help daydreaming about who would be cast as Aussa in the movie version of my fictional life.
But then it hit me– This was all way too familiar. He must have watched a lot of “Revenge” on Netflix when he was preparing his affidavit. This story had been done.
But there was more– He knew it wasn’t enough to paint me as a computer hacking whore who made grown men weep– He’d spent 85% of his adult life getting drunk on the futon and watching television- he knew he had to spice things up.
Plot Enhancement #1: A Motive
He went ahead and ‘fessed up to the fact that he’d slept with The Other Woman behind my back. I guess he figured this would explain why I devoted a year of my life to framing him as a stalking, abusive piece of shit. See, the truth is that he was perfectly innocent and loving. He even mentioned how he didn’t feel angry that I’d slept with 9,000 guys while we were together. Isn’t he the best?
Plot Enhancement #2: An Accomplice
At this point in my reading a catchy tune began to play in my head… The image of blonde locks and pickup trucks came to mind as I realized he had decided to branch away from Netflix and turn on the radio so he could kick it country style.
If you’ve heard the Carrie Underwood song “Two Black Cadillacs” then you know where I’m going with this. Apparently me and The Other Woman had gotten together and plotted an elaborate scheme to exact our fiery revenge upon him. In the song, both women show up to their man’s funeral in black Cadillacs and crimson lipstick.
I mean, seriously?! It’s not enough that he’s trampled over two years of my life, humiliated me and tried to crush my sense of self-worth– Now he’s setting me up to contend with this level of glamorous retribution? Thanks a lot for making me look like I’m slumming it over here with my used car vengeance and sparkly lipgloss.
I couldn’t help laughing as I read his affidavit, calling attention to my favorite lines, like “have you read the part about me and September 11th? it’s amazing!” I assumed there was no way a judge would allow this sort of ALL CAPS bold!!!!!!!! defense to go to trial– but it did. I got to sit my scandalous little arse on the witness stand for hours upon hours of testimony and cross examination regarding my sexual proclivities, illegal computer skills, and international espionage.
Fast forward three months: I get another email. This time it was the court clerk letting me know that all of the documents, transcripts, and recordings I requested after thoroughly annihilating him are now available to pick up. If that’s not an early Christmas present, I don’t know what is. Luckily, I view gifts hobbit-style so I’ll be happily sharing this with you. Get excited.
Has your life ever followed the plot of a TV show or radio hit? Have you ever been accused of something outrageous? More importantly– who are YOUR badass girl-crushes?
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