It’s time to get on with it– thanks for playing my painfully prolonged version of “5 Truths and a Lie.”
One more time, these were our choices:
#1: When I was 5 years old I was taken out of my front yard by strangers in a white van. A few days later they left me at a gas station.
#2: My dad writes books on Christian parenting. And he’s gay.
#3: I didn’t have a first kiss until I was 23 years old.
#4: I had to perform CPR on a man who coded while shopping at Target.
#5: Both of my childhood homes burned down.
#6: I grew up down the street from a major country music star.
I already came clean about the fact that two of my childhood homes burned down and I grew up next to a Country Music Superstar.
I’m not sure what it means that the vast majority of you guessed that #3 was the lie– what, just because I like to date psycho stalkers who are twice my age? Or is it because I once ended up in a mystery bed after rekindling an almost-romance from high school? Pshaw, I say to all of that, because:
IT’S TOTALLY TRUE!
That’s right, I’ve only had 4 years of experience with smooching– don’t worry though, I’ve definitely made up for lost time, and then some. I can’t go into the details too much without ruining a bunch of future posts cooking in my brain, but suffice it to say that I always wanted to be a penguin and mate for life… but this lofty goal was prematurely dashed.
Based on your comments, I’m pretty sure I just inspired a bunch of this:
While a lot of you prayed that I hadn’t been snatched from my front yard as a kid, many of you hoped that #2 was true (probably because it’s so ridiculous) and guess what? It is. It so is.
Again, I have to refrain from saying too much on the topic at this point because there is a lot to be written about this particularly awkward facet of my life. I’ll just say that I didn’t grow up in a hip and accepting family with a liberal bent– we were raised to think that Elton John was the devil and that “Will and Grace” was contributing to the downfall of America.
This made it particularly difficult when I downloaded my first hacker program at the age of 13 and discovered my father’s secret yahoo email account.
Very few of you questioned whether or not I saved someone’s life at Target by performing CPR– I appreciate the fact you think I am capable of such heroics, but despite being CPR certified I really hope none of you drown or have a heart attack in front of me because I don’t think it would work out in your favor, because #4 was the lie! I stole this from my friend Mady, who actually DID save a man’s life at Target. She texted me afterwards like it was no big deal.
I’m afraid that means that #1 is true– when I was 5 years old I was playing in the corner of my front yard. I was supposed to have a nanny who watched over me but I have four older brothers so she must have been thinly spread. I remember there was a piece of blue duplo in the grass and I was pouting about the fact that my brothers had run off without me. They were experts at this– they’d be all “Hey Aussa, I hear Mom calling, she has a pop tart for you” and I’d be distracted just long enough for them to run out the garage and hit the “close” button behind them, trapping me inside.
I remember a white van with a flat front (presumably a VW) pulling up to the curb, and then that I got inside of it for some reason. There were no seats in the van and an overweight African American lady sat on the floor next to me as they drove away. The next thing I remember is being in a messy house with several adults and that there was a bedroom with dogs locked inside. They kept jumping and barking against the door, wanting to be let out, but I was told not to go near it.
Some time passed– I’m not sure how long– then they took me to a gas station and told me to pick out anything I wanted. I chose chiclets because I’d been to Laredo, Mexico with my Grandmother that summer and she had handed wads of money to children who were selling chiclets. After they gave me the chiclets, they left. I don’t remember who came to pick me up, but I know I was taken home after that.
I didn’t remember any of this until we moved to a different city several years later and a neighbor down the street had a very similar looking van. I asked my Mom about it and she told me she had no idea what I was talking about and laughed it all away. I’ve since learned that if my Mom is laughing, she is probably hiding something.
When I was eighteen, I asked my Mom again. I told her everything I remembered and she started crying. It was only the 2nd time I’d ever seen her do so, and she made me swear I would never ever ask her about it again. I haven’t.
I asked my oldest brother if he remembered anything like this– he would have been 13. He told me that he remembered there was a time when I went away for a while and my Mom cried a lot and wouldn’t say where I was.
I’m not sure I’ll ever know what that was all about. I know that my father is involved in some pretty messed up things and I also know that he ran for public office about that time, but the rest of it is a mystery. I’ve learned that much of my early life was a mixture of farce and deception so this is just another item on a long list of questions which will probably never be answered.
White VW vans still give me the heebie jeebies though.
Do any of you come from families with dark secrets? Are there memories from your childhood that you can’t explain? And come on– 23’s not that bad…. (riiiight?) How old were you when you got your first kiss?
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