I Will Liam Neeson You So Hard

I have a real issue with bullies.  If people want to treat each other unkindly, fine– but at least have the decency to meet on equal footing and trade blows like respectable human beings.  But bullying? Bullying will not be tolerated, much less when it is so cowardly as to be anonymous.  

About this time last year I was horribly sick.  My friend Shleisel (the one I failed at rescuing from hillbillies) drove into the city from her outlying town and offered to feed me so I wouldn’t wither away in a puddle of Nyquil and Netflix.

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As Shleisel braved my germ-infested apartment and waded through a sea of crumpled Kleenex, I noticed she looked worried and distracted.

After a few minutes she confided that someone had been making threats against her family for the last few weeks.  It had started with some creepy phone calls, turned into mysterious headlights beaming through their windows and was just getting worse every few days.  She was staying at her parents’ house while in the process of buying her own and her 16 year old brother had been receiving texts from an out of state number.  Long story short, this mystery person was now threatening to “shoot up the house.”

It was probably this guy.

It was probably this guy.

Now… She lives in a small town, sure– but it’s not redneck central or a place where they cancel school during the hunting season.  They were legitimately worried, so they called the police.  The cops looked into it but couldn’t find anything out about the number. They promised to watch the neighborhood and warned them to remain aware of their surroundings.  That’s not exactly the most comforting response when someone is threatening to lay siege to your house Skyfall-style.  

What it it's this creepy dude?

But what if it was this creepy dude?

For all I knew, her brother had provoked someone– but still, that doesn’t justify threatening an entire family.  Add to that the fact that Shleisel and her son Leaf were living there, and I went full on Liam Neeson.

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“Give me the number,” I said through my sniffles.

Shleisel was doubtful.  They’d already texted it and hadn’t gotten a response.  The police had tried to trace and call it but the number wasn’t registered anywhere and went straight to voicemail.

“Just give it to me,” I whispered in a gruff Neeson-like voice.

Shleisel called in a to-go order at a steakhouse while I began unraveling this mystery– sadly this was not my first time to face an unknown number.

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I had a secret weapon:

“Heeeeyyyy.”

I don’t know what it is about sending that to someone, but they ALWAYS reply.  It’s like that one elongated word says “Reply to this message to receive hours of amazing sex and a bag of money.”

It works every time.

Within about 20 seconds, they took the bait.

“Hey…”

Shleisel couldn’t believe it.

“How’s it goin?” I followed up, channeling my inner valley girl.

“Grrrrreat.  Watching Dodgeball.  What are you doing?”

“Downloading apps to my new phone and about to grab some foods, I’m starving!”

“Wait… who is this? Lmao.”

I started teasing them like “Surely you can’t have forgotten who I am, hehe!” and added in some general commentary on the merits of the movie Dodgeball.

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Apparently they found this unnerving.

“WTF… are you on to me?” 

Aha!  Suspicions confirmed.  Whoever this sonofabitch was, they used this number for nefarious purposes only.

“That depends…do you WANT me to be onto you?”

You don't, I assure you.

You don’t, I assure you.

“Seriously, who is this?” they asked. 

I savored their sense of panic.

“I want you to guess.” 

My phone started ringing– it was a local number.

"Hello?"

“Heeeyyyy”

I answered. 

“Hellooo?” I said in my most darling voice.

I heard snatches of muffled conversation, a guy and a girl whispering.

I hung up and immediately hit redial– banking on it sending me to voicemail.

“Hey, this is Sarah Bartlett!  Sorry I missed you– leave a message!”

I texted the anonymous number again.

“Wait a second, are you with another girl?”

"How could you do this to me?"

“LOL that’s my sister, seriously who is this?”

Meanwhile Shleisel had paid for the food and texted the name “Sarah Bartlett” to her brother.

“Do you know this person or her brother?” she asked.

“Uh yeah…” he said, “I used to date their cousin.”

Weirdy small towns and their family ties.

Meanwhile Sarah Bartlett’s brother was having a miniature meltdown at not knowing who I was.

“You can’t prank the prankster,” he threatened, and then “You don’t even know who I am.”

I couldn’t resist.

“Actually, I do.”

I sent him his own name and shared some advice about his recent decision to be a jackass:

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Have you ever been the victim (or perpetrator) of some anonymous pranking?  Do you stand up against bullies?  What does it take to activate your inner Liam Neeson?   



Categories: Crazy Shiz

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

205 replies

  1. I soooo LOVE this blog. You are right on about the ‘heeeeyyy’, works everytime I need an answer. I hate bullies and have never been. I am considered ‘hot’, however, grew up in the Dirty Harry era and have mastered his look. Because of that, I have never needed to fight. I work in a library, but am told my ‘look’ would work at the local prison. Not sure how to take that one.

    Thanks again for the entertainment~

    Jackie

    • Haha! Thank YOU Jackie, you hot thing. I love the killer looks… I had to pull mine out a couple weeks ago when I was leaving an NBA game and witnessed some rather overt leering. It was either that or the fists but I try not to get into fights with middle aged men; at least not too often. I think you should take your prison-worthy-lookness as a compliment, most definitely.

  2. First off, I hate bullies too (though this person was going farther than your run of the mill bullying). Secondly, you’re crazy. I mean that with all due respect. Really, I’m smiling over here and you sound like a kick ass friend for doing that…I’m guessing the calls stopped after that?

    • Hahahaha to “you’re crazy. I mean that with all due respect.” And yes! The calls stopped after that. There was a whole lot of super weird stuff going on about that point in their lives and I think most of it ended, thankfully.

  3. Hahaa! LOVE this post! There are so many things I feel like I can relate to and want to comment on, but I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll just say that I love it…for now… :)

    • Haha I know that feeling well, when I’m reading someone else’s story and I’m just like “this… all of this…” So, thank you! And I can’t wait to hear further details on just how much you relate ;)

  4. Another great post! And always enjoy the pics you add to back up your writing : D

  5. One of your best – and that’s saying something!

  6. Brilliant Aussa! Simply brilliant.

  7. And that is how you do it.

    I totally get the same way about things like this. My talent is being able to unravel identities with the Internet. Give me 2 hours with google and the assorted social media outlets and I can solve any mystery.

    I cannot believe someone hasn’t modeled a TV show after me yet — this is totally a mid-week CBS crime show that would inexplicably run for 12 years even though its boring and repetitive. Who wouldn’t want to watch me furiously type away on my laptop while slamming back wine and cupcakes for an hour every week?

    • Hahaha seriously, I’d watch it! Except I’d be like “woah, they are pirating my life.”
      I once developed a crush on a complete stranger I saw in a hallway at work (what– he was a doctor and not hideous, I couldn’t help it) and within an hour my coworkers and I had completely torn his life apart using our work computers. I kept worrying that I was going to get fired for stalker tendencies but hey… I needed to know his political party and net worthy and property ownership and family tree and criminal history and all those important tidbits of info one must collect before striking up a conversation.
      This story actually ends very badly.
      But I don’t want to think about that. What do I want to think about? Cupcakes and wine. Thanks for that.

  8. The worst bullying I receive these days is some 13-year old girl who thinks my cell number is someone elses. I get the occasional phone call, asking if I’ve had my “latest pap smear exam” or if I know that “Brian is cheating on me.”

    Oh, and btw, Sarah Bartlett’s brother, he’s using my photo without permission! Besides, I now have three guitars, so I will need to put a new one out there.

    • That. Is. Weird. I get a lot of calls and texts for a “Randy”… I don’t think Randy made very good decisions because a lot of people are worried about her. Do you ever reply to the 13 year old just to mess with her? That’s always a fun game…
      And oh, please! That photo! Terror!

  9. My son was being bullied because he wanted to play tea-party. Apparently, it was unacceptable for a boy to play tea-party. He didn’t think so, so after being told to go away because he smelled, because he was a boy, because he wasn’t allowed, he stood up and put both hands on his hips ala-momma and stared down the meanies. He said, “Hey. I’m just a little kid, and I’m a boy.” And he picked up a tea cup and gave it to his teddy bear. Sure, it’s not getting your house shot up or anything, but preschoolers can be mean, and he stood up for himself. I was so proud.

  10. I love you. Bullies can suck it. Even people who bully animals. I chased teen kids out of my yard during my Cinco de Teddy party (you know, the one where I celebrated my five year anniversary with my cat) with a miniature sombrero headband on last Spring as a scared fawn jogged into my outdoor party. Four kids who knew better were throwing shit at it. So with my margarita, “crazy cat lady” t-shirt and leopard jeans, I threw shit back at them. Boy, did I teach them a lesson (mostly, why to not marry anyone who owns a cat). Seeing anything or anyone be taunted or bullied makes my blood BOIL. I feel like you and I would make an excellent private investigative team. Just sayin’!

    • We have the same brain! Yes, blood absolutely boiling. And I love that you chased the kids off– serves them right! I also love that you celebrate ANNIVERSARIES with your cat. So much more of an equal partnership when you look at it that way…
      PS: I’m incredibly jealous that you have leopard jeans.

  11. I finally understood how someone could live under the impression of you being a spy. You are head on with the hey-thing, people are stupid. Especially people who think they are smart and at the same time are assholes. Easier to play like a childs flute. Anyway that was totally ninja.
    Another job well done ;)

  12. Yet again an awesome read. Hate bullying, hate injustice! I used to be too nice to everybody, even if they were horrible. When I turned 30 I have learned that being 100% nice doesn’t pay, and only breeds resentment! So I’ve become a bit nasty (only to dickheads) and I am so much happier as a result! I have been loving your blogs that contain a nice serving of redemption! Brilliant!

    • Haha thanks! Yeah, I feel like every year of life brings me closer and closer to being okay with not being nice– I was told about a thousand times a day to “be sweet” while I was growing up… I don’t think it did me any favors when it came to dealing with (as you say) dickheads. Redemption is where it’s at! Helps me sleep at night ;)

  13. Whoa, do you hire out as private security? LOL Even with martian death flu or whatever caused the sea of used tissue (a moment of ewww), you still managed to kick some bully-butt. I have been pranked, but I prank back harder. Never fails to scare off the pranksters. I also have the withering glance of death and an almost infallible BS sensor. Plus people are usually too afraid of redheads… I like to keep it that way. LOL

    • I love the “withering glance of death” that you have oft spoken of here. And to think… you look so harmless in your photo right there ;) But I don’t doubt your withering abilities, not at all… We redheads, we just know…

      And: I love the pranking back harder as well– that’s just a must! Total Ender’s Game “win all future fights” kind of stuff right there!

      • I also had a hillbilly as a stepmother, although if she ever finds out I called her that I am in deep guano. She grew up on a holler in WV, and there ain’t nobody with a scarier withering glance of death. Or a scarier crazy mad.

      • The whole holler thing (and maybe all of West Virginia, not sure) is equal parts fascinating and terrifying in my opinion. It reminds me of the book “Christy” that I read as a little girl! Any time I have driven through the Appalachian Mountains I always imagine there to be all these secret communities of people living up in those hills…. Now I will also imagine your stepmother’s withering glance of death…

      • OMG, I live in fear of it. LOL At least I can laugh about it. My stepmother had 21 brothers and sisters. (!!!)

      • What! That’s like that Dugger Family! Holy moly that sounds painful…

      • They all had tons of kids. And my stepmother married a Hatfield of the Hatfield and McCoys before she married my dad. So two of my stepbrothers are Hatfields. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. LOL

  14. I laughed so hard at this, Aussa. I don’t know if I could ever do anything like this. However, at one point some fool hit my daughter. I told the fool it hadn’t better happen again or said fool would be speaking with police. Ya don’t mess with Mama Bear.

    • Argh, how old was this fool? I can’t imagine the amount of restraint that would have required! But I’m sure you wouldn’t be doing any favors to your daughter by getting carted off to jail. Ai yai yai, Mama Bear indeed!
      I’m glad it gave you some laughs, thanks for reading and caring to comment!

  15. You are a Private Investigator Extraordinaire. Keep up the good work, and If I am ever stalked or worse, I will ask for your “Particular set of skills”. LOL. Way to have a friends back. Awesome

  16. The Liam Neeson references are too perfect! lol I’ve never been bullied, but I have had someone attempt to bully my sister online and via text. So we switched phones for a day and when I answered I recognized the voice. Confronted the chick and she said she was just “fooling around”…so yeah, I gave her a Neeson-Styled promise of the end of her life and whatnot. Nobody bullies my sister but me man. No one lol Hey your blog is a great read by the way :) Found you on here from 20SB! I’ll be reading! :D

    • Awesome! I haven’t really been on 20SB very much, I should probably get back on there and connect with fellow Liam Neesoners! I love that you switched phones and figured out who the bully was– that’s so shitty. “Just fooling around,” my ass. Everyone needs such a big sister as yourself!

  17. Shleisel named her son Leaf? I don’t know how old he is, but if he hasn’t already learned how to fight, HE WILL.

  18. Nice one, O Vindicator of all Phone-Related Injustice.

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