Seeing as there is a travel advisory across half the country, I’ve decided this is a great time to take a road trip and visit my brother in another state– I feel like I haven’t seen my life flash before my eyes in a while.
Angelle of She Drives A Vegetable Car kindly agreed to do a guest post in my absence. If you don’t already read her blog, you should– she once spilled a coke in her lap to hide the fact she was peeing her pants and recently opted to wear cat ears to her high school reunion. She’s stuck with me since my second post, where she properly used the word “oscillate” in a sentence.
In Aussa’s absence, she has graciously allowed me to share a story with her readers that makes me look like a complete idiot.
I’m a giver, it’s the holidays.
*All names have been changed to protect the poor innocent victims*
It was April of 2009 and Paris was going from a cold winter wonderland to a magical spring. I had moved there the previous September and after a very long and cold winter realized that my funds were not cutting it and I needed to go back home and re-assess my life choices. A few weeks prior, my friend Emily, who I graduated high school with and was now living the perfect life of a Hemingway-esque ex-pat in Paris, had mentioned that a friend of a friend was coming to visit the city over our Sunday café cremes. Emily was used to people calling her when they were coming to town and she was over being a tour guide.
I half listened as she bitched,
“How about you get a map? How about you take the metro? Should I just buy one of those buses and shuttle them about? Ugh, I don’t even know who this guy IS. My friend said he’s an actor from Los Angeles.”
“Oh like an actor in the background of a coffee commercial, actor?”
“No, he’s on some TV show.”
“_________ (Disclaimer: I’m not at liberty to divulge this or answer questions about it. Although you might be able to draw your own conclusions based on my next statement).”
“UMMMM WHAT? (as I spit out my coffee) You’re aware that’s a Joss Whedon show right?”
“Omigod, you must show this man around. You must also let me meet this man, because he’s worked with Joss Whedon and can tell me what he smells like and if he has nice teeth.”
A few weeks later, my Parisian life was coming to an end and I was a little emotional about it. I get a text from Emily just as I’m boxing up my room,
“Hey that guy is town and we were at the museums today, we’re getting a drink tonight if you want to meet up. He’s really cool :)”
I looked in the mirror and thought, ok girl, deep breaths. How do you meet someone who’s on a TV show? Especially one written and directed by someone you want to be your Obi Wan Kenobi? (Sidenote: I also want Stephen King to be my Obi Wan. I think you can have a few.) So I tried to be nonchalant. It’s a TV show, who cares? Certainly not me! As I tried on my third outfit. I finally decided I looked cute and this was my face and I was going to have to deal with it, then made my way down to the bar.
Emily and I had been frequenting a bar called the Lizard Lounge for a while and had made friends with the bartender, Bambi. She was Canadian, had baby bangs, and was in a band. The cool just oozed off of this girl and we loved her. I show up a bit late, say hello to Miss Bambi and spot Emily and Bryan at a table.
(I’ve decided to call him Bryan with a “y”, because I like that spelling. We can discuss it later.)
Bryan informs me that he is getting over being sick so is just having the one drink. Emily has to get up early for work so she’s doing the same. I was unemployed so I threw caution to the wind and ordered a pint, which I drank a little too fast. The conversation flowed really well with Emily and Bryan talking about music as I ordered another pint that I promised myself I wouldn’t drink like I’d just come from 6 weeks wandering in the desert. I smiled and nodded as we discussed the soundtrack to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
“That’s a great movie. I also REALLY like The Notebook.”
Clearly a conversation discussing the delicate, fragile nature of Eternal Sunshine and how it was manifested in the soundtrack, needed me to blurt out that I was super into Nicholas Sparks, tearjerker chick flicks. Oh, dear readers, I was just getting started.
I finished off my second pint as Emily got up to use the ladies’ room. Bryan had not finished his drink and offered it to me as my nervousness had turned me into the lush of the table. Well, can’t waste a good beer! We talked about LOST for a minute and he said that the writing was a mess, I was offended, but let it go. Then his show came up, surprisingly I didn’t fangirl out about Joss, even though I was definitely feeling the two beers I’d downed. Emily came back and we went on to the topic of sci-fi movies and books.
Ok, I’m ready. I know this topic. It’s like when you’re watching Jeopardy and Trebek announces “Potpourri” and you go, “YEAH, BITCHES!! I KILL AT POTPOURRI! I AM GOING TO WIN SO MUCH IMAGINARY MONEY RIGHT NOW!” Armed with my third beer, I was totally ready. Bring it.
Bryan says that any sci-fi fan worth their salt loves Blade Runner. A sober me would have argued that point with the following statement, “What? That’s like saying I like heavy metal and then claiming Metallica is your favorite band. Blade Runner is the cliché answer.” I wasn’t entirely sober. Emily says she loves that movie, can recite lines and it’s amazing. Bryan says, “I could jump across this table and make out with you right now.”
Now I had not been hitting conversational topics out of the park at this point and the three beers were starting to turn me into your grandma when she hasn’t had her meds in a few days and honestly believes the elves took her reading glasses. No matter how many times you tell her elves don’t exist and her reading glasses are on the end table. So I blurt out,
“Wait a minute! Didn’t I tell you about Blade Runner???”
“No, Angelle, I’ve loved that movie forever.”
“No, I’m certain I told you about that movie AND explained the plot.”
Emily looked at me like I was a mental patient and Bryan got up to use the loo, and to quote, “Let us duke it out amongst ourselves.” Emily assured me that she knew about the movie already and I was remembering the time we went out and explained Blade Runner to a friend of hers. I realized my mistake as Bryan rejoined us and Bambi decided that we should do bourbon shots since I was leaving soon. I took Bryan’s cause he was sick, of course. We gathered our things soon after and called it a night.
Outside of the bar, as I gently swayed in the breeze, Emily and Bryan spoke for a few minutes where she mentioned Facebook.
“You guys should be Facebook friends”, I said drunkenly, then added in a softer voice, “then you can friend me, cause I’m on there and I’m one of her friends and I’m cool I promise.” He didn’t hear me…hopefully. We all parted ways with Emily walking back home and Bryan surprisingly walking my way back to the metro. Wow, um, maybe he doesn’t think I’m a total loss.
We walked a few blocks to his station and he asked where mine was. The beers and bourbon shots had made me a bit demonstrative and I gestured grandly to a few blocks ahead of us. I did not notice that I was so close to the curb. Also that a bus was coming.
Make that two buses.
Bryan grabbed me, saving me from being another tragic headline, and I said, “Omigod you’re my hero. You saved me from a bus.”
“Two buses actually.”
We parted at his metro stop, I went in for the customary bis, he went in for a hug, life couldn’t have gotten more weird and awkward if a talking dog had shown up. I went home to sleep it off.
The next day he accepted Emily’s friend request on Facebook and politely declined mine.
All in a day’s work, my friends, all in a day’s work.
Have you had an awkward encounter with a (maybe sort of) celebrity? Ever leaned in for a kiss and ended up with a hug– or vice versa? What’s the most awkward “Goodbye” you’ve had to endure?
Want to keep in touch? Drop your email below and I'll send you FULL POSTS anytime I write something new. Only want to know book news? Get on the list here.