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How To Pass Time At Work

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If you’re like me, you have absolutely no intention of doing ANYTHING at work on Monday.  Sure, that might be an “Every Monday” phenomenon, but today is different– it is the Monday before a holiday. 

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Sometimes it’s hard-work to not-work, but years of doing the bare minimum has made me something of an expert– Read on for the top 8 ways to pass the time while stuck at work:

#1: Become Invested In A Conspiracy Theory  (Estimated Time Waste: 2 Hours)

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This is my most tried and true method for burning a few hours at work.  If you’re new to this, then start with a classic, like how the British government is responsible for the death of Princess Diana or JFK killed Marilyn Monroe. 

If you want something more applicable to daily life then read about how Beyonce is a member of the illuminati and that Earth is actually flat and shaped like a pizza. 

There’s a woman I work with who hasn’t responded to a single email in the last year because she’s too busy trying to find out wether Sandy Hook may have never actually happened.

#2: Argue With People On The Internet  (Estimated Time Waste: 3 Hours)

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Step One: Pick one of the following memes:

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An oldie but a goodie…

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Aahh… nothing is more fun than making a Mom feel like she’s doing everything wrong

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And of course, this.

Step Two: Post it to Facebook/Tweet it/Forward it to all your e-mail contacts with an admonition to forward or else be cursed for 7 years.

Step Three: Swap hate for hate, use lots of ALL CAPS, and lose faith in humanity 

#3: Think About LOST (Estimated Time Waste: The Rest of Your Life)

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At most, we get 90-something years on this planet– 7 of these have already been lost to endless ponderings about what the hell was happening on that island.  Following the world’s most disappointing Series Finale, we were told that “whatever happened, happened.”

What does that even mean?

What does that even mean?

What! Why is Desmond all special and why is Walt all weird? Why does the statue only have four toes? Did that bird really scream Hurley’s name? Why do Sayid’s lovers keep dying? Who is flying over the island and dropping Dharma supplies if the Dharma Initiative is gone and the island is moving? Where did the first people on the island come from? Wait… What?

#4:  Find Out Which Game of Thrones Character You Are (Estimated Time Waste: 20 Minutes, still worth it)

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Moment of truth…

I took this quiz from Buzzfeed last week and learned that I am Arya— a surly little girl who wields a sword, is oft mistaken for a boy and whispers the names of people she wants to kill while falling asleep every night.

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NAILED IT.

Joeyfully Stated is also Arya, and Daile is Queen Cersei, which is pretty damn terrifying, so watch out for her.

#5: Go Exploring (Estimated Time Waste: 1 Hour to Times Up & You Are Eaten By A Monster) 

This just screams "come at me, bro"

This just screams “come at me, bro”

This may not be applicable to everyone but I was peering through a boarded up window in my building at work and I definitely saw a staircase leading DOWN below the first floor.  What! Now I just need to figure out who to sweet talk in order to get down there.  If I’m not eaten by those cave creatures from The Descent then I’ll be sure to let you know how it works out.

#6: Write Haikus (Estimated Time Waste: 1 Hour)

Thank you, Fight Club.

Thank you, Fight Club.

Many of the above tips may not be as relevant if you work in retail/food service/jobs that don’t allow you to sit on your arse.  But haikus are ALWAYS an option.  These stunted little poems are the only thing that got me through 5 years of working for AT&T.

#7: Create “Found Art” (Estimated Time Waste: 90 Minutes)

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Another option for everyone– look around you and seek the beauty of life.  Breathe new inspiration into the innocuous and create a meaningful piece of art with “found” items.

Where others see paperclips or ketchup packets, you can see an opportunity to communicate your inner beast or your desire to save the princess. work15

#8: Watch This Gif Over And Over (Estimated Time Waste: I need a cute little sheep, and time no longer exists) 

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What do YOU do to pass time at work?  Do you buy into any conspiracy theories? Have you any haikus to share?

Want to keep in touch? Find me on Facebook. 

Embrace Procrastination and Keep Reading:

Comments

  1. All solid ideas, I’m digging the conspiracy theory idea, however reading them tends to make me angry. Either that or it scares me that I may believe some of them :-p

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    • Right? You’re like “Ooo, what a nut…” *secretly terrified it’s true.” My family loves creating conspiracy theories… we have a pretty solid zombie theory going at the moment… might have to share that one with the interwebs at some point…

      Reply

  3. Significance extracted: 1) Beyonce as a member of the illuminati. I am so on board with that. Couple it with my consummate procrastination tendencies and it’ll kill hours, maybe weeks if I have to go back to Dan Brown books to re-research. 2) The porcelain head in #7 belongs in your work office. Perhaps you could place the barely alive ‘green thing’ in its cranium and see what next sprouts. We could rename your workplace Lourdes II…

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    • Ha! Yes– there are entire video series on YouTube just dedicated to Beyonce’s Illuminati connection– itll keep you very very busy. And I think you’re right about the porcelain head… I’m trying to think but I’m pretty sure I can say with certainty that I don’t have any doll heads in my office at this point… perhaps if the plant was potted in a skull it would be capable of growing more than one leaf at a time? Goals for 2014…

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  4. Very very nice list. I too plan to goof off all day tomorrow. And I miss Desmond, he was a great character. Speaking of Dharma, why did Dharma and Greg just GO AWAY? There was no wrap up, no ANYTHING.

    And I am Daenerys

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    • You are totally believable as Daenerys! I want to be the Mother of Dragons but alas… I suppose I am too scrappy and immature for it.
      And Dharma: I DON’T KNOW I JUST DONT KNOW. I had so many amazing theories for that stupid show, and it turned out that nothing ever made sense in the first place… *weeps*

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  5. Now, see, I’ll spend a good couple of hours wondering how it is that I grew up on a sheep farm and have never seen a sheep walk backwards. Cheers, there goes the evening…

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  8. You AND Angelle are both Arya?? I know I’m at the risk of repeating myself here but, HOLY SNAPPIN’ DUCK SHIT!! Now if you would be so kind as to tell me how to make certain neither of you is whispering my name as the Sand Man takes over, ya know?

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        • Hahaha! That means watch out for red heads because they might shoot you in the back with a bow and arrow.

          Just kidding– Jon Snow is awesome. And he’s a bastard. And something else we don’t quite know yet… dun dun duuuuunnn

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      • Righto, I’ve definitely got the mysterious bastard thing down pat, for sure. I’m not the sort to shoot you in the back though, more the sort to pull your arrow from my back and stab you through the eye with it…just call Jon, haa

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      • Anyway, getting back on track, what I really want for Christmas is one of those little desk calendar things that has a trite little saying of the day on it, only it would be full of Aussome (thanks Ann) gems on time wasting…you know, like, Today’s time waster is how to use cocktail toothpicks to build a tiger pit full of punji spikes for that annoying coworker in your life…could be a best seller, I reckon

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      • I can see it now, the ad will go: What do you get that mysterious bastard in your life who has everything? “Aussome Time Wasters for 2014” of course!

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  9. My hubby laughed at all your Lost questions. Loving all your wasting time ideas, you’re so creative!!!! Creatively wasting time….that can’t be a bad thing?! In fact, I’m sure Martha would call it a good thing!!!

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    • Yes, like insider trading– it’s a good idea! And ooooo, can your hubby help me find the answers I seek? I’m open to anything but criticism for my opinion of the series finale… I almost lost my best friend over that dispute 😉

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  10. Lol, i totally planned to blog and google anything and everything tomorrow instead of working! I just have to shoot out an email every hour or so in order for my boss to think I’m working. I’m doing the “work at home” dance 🙂

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    • Haha! That’s awesome– so so jealous. I need to find a way to get in on this “work from home” gig! I definitely intersperse my time wasting with email replies and occasional laps around the building… just to cast off suspicions and let people know I’m not rotting away in my lonely hallway…

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  11. Aarghhh! I so wish I could goof off tomorrow. If I do get any down time, I’ll most likely spend time laughing and maybevsnorting milk, ketchup, butter, or pizza out of my nose, as I remember the details of this Aussome post.

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  13. Damn, you are a good planner, Aussa. I also think you should get an adjunct professor job teaching the course Goofing Off 101. This post just has to be used as a syllabus somewhere, somehow.

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    • Huzzah, do it! And I’ve never heard it called a “staple extractor,” that makes perfect sense. I’m always like “do you have one of those claw things that you.. you know.. pull staples out of things with?” Your way is definitely better.

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  15. I do love me some timewasting – especially at work. Although I’m on holidays now so I’m unsure if I should be procrastinating my holidays away?… Who am I kidding, my only plans these holidays is to learn the choreography from Single Ladies and sew my cat and I matching black leotards.

    I could get involved in some conspiracy theories and watching animals boop is pretty much the best thing ever. Here are 22 more for your viewing pleasure http://www.buzzfeed.com/adamdavis/boops-that-changed-the-world-in-2013?bftw

    Also – watch out anyone that crosses me… Queen Cersei does not like to be messed with.

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    • Aaaahhhh I have to go look at the booping animals now. My college degree should really just be in Buzzfeed and my resume, were it honest, would just read “BUZZFEED BUZZFEED BUZZFEED.” It’s so wondrously distracting from the important things at hand.

      I’m excited about this Single Ladies thing, Lavender Beyonce. I want a post-holiday video for evidence of your triumph.

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  16. I had to take the Game of Thrones quiz…

    I got Robb Stark.

    I have grown a digital penis and will from this day forth refuse all wedding invitations.

    I have spoken,

    -The King/Queen/Confused About My Gender of the North-ish Eastern Shore

    Reply

  17. Great suggestions, Aussa! I have a suggestion for you to occupy yourself, on a slow Monday, before Christmas…write more hilarious posts for 2014 or you could try to fix the broken chello. 🙂 As for me, I’m off until January 2nd. Merry Christmas!

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    • Enjoy your break away! And I will definitely be doing some planning for 2014 blogs… I plan to share some truly humiliating personal details about my life– it’s going to be great!
      That cello really does deserve another chance at life… It’s on my list, it’s on my list!
      Have a great Christmas, Jill!

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  18. I planned our office Christmas party for tomorrow in hopes of making the day pass faster. Hopefully, that actually works. If not, I’ll use some of your helpful tips. 🙂

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  19. Hmmmm, well I find that I am successfully able to waste days at a time at work just by trying to work. Chock full of futility here. Passing it out for free. Side effects: crankiness, exhaustion, grumbling and talking to yourself out loud and don’t care that people hear, hair falling out, and all out insanity. PS — I share generously. 🙂

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  20. Hahahah aaaah Desmond! He was also my favorite in Lost. And I spent way too much time laughing at work over that adorable sheep gif a few months back!!! So adorable.

    Tomorrow marks my official day of compensated unemployment, so thank you for the tips you’ve just given me to do…at home! Thanks also for the laugh. You’re funny 🙂

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    • Grrr you go on my naughty list for being at home instead of work! And oooh Desmond. Yes. I always wanted to be Penny… *sigh*
      I have that sheep gif on my phone and look at it more than I care to truly admit…

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  21. I mostly walk around with my giant tub of Utz’s pretzels and a beer and ask everybody I see if they’ve seen my motivation. You’d think somebody would say something, but it’s been 18 months and nobody has. Once I asked somebody the question while they caught me pissing out a 6th floor window. I have to “work” this week too, so cheers to us!

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  22. Two things: Please, PLEASE do not explore that passageway to hell at your work! That’s the plot to every horror movie ever.

    Also, I disagree about arguing with people on the internet. You can do that till the end of eternity. That’s the true ninth circle of hell. In fact, that passageway at your job probably leads there.

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  25. Ha, a goodly proportion of my blog posts are haikus. I’d write you one but I’m too depressed because my psychotic neighbor trapped my cat and left her out in the rain for hours and I gave her up to the shelter because she is soooo an outdoor cat and somebody poisoned my other neighbors’ dogs several years ago and that was never cleared up. So I am in mourning. Though she will probably get adopted because she is a perfect cat other than wanting to be outdoors and drop dead gorgeous. But I can’t write any haikus write now. Later.

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    • That is so horrible– do you think she knew she was trapped? And was the trap meant for skunks or raccoons or something? Poor cat… You definitely need to do some vandalizing or something.

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      • She knew it was my cat. Very distinctive cat. We’ll note that she didn’t let her go.

        I could go on and on about that woman. Maybe I’ll do that instead of writing haikus. She calls the cops on people who are watering their yards if the water goes over the fence. We live in a desert.

        She once called me to our mutual boundary to complain because she was watering a plant at the fence and the water was running into a small hole in the ground on my side of the fence.

        I’m currently considering painting hex signs on my outbuildings and casting fire spells, in hopes that she starts absent-mindedly setting stuff on fire and is consigned to a nursing home.

        I used to give her produce I grew. I felt sorry for her. I’m getting more picky about whom I feel sorry for these days.

        Seriously, why is it even legal to leave such traps out in the open? If I left a cat in a cage in the rain and animal control picked up on it, they’d bust my ass, and rightly so.

        I do want to mess with her but not illegally. I was thinking about standing by the fence and staring silently at her. But she’s nuts and I don’t want her to hurt my dogs. What I really should do is build a fence. With hex signs on it.

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  27. I am Arya too, although I would rather be the Mother of Dragons. I *guess* one doesn’t just get to decide to be a silver-haired conqueror of nations who feeds dragons from her breasts. Dammit. I’m gonna go stick somebody with a needle now.

    Lately I’ve been wasting time at work by blocking Facebook friends. Living in the bible belt can be very annoying at times like these. I am equally sick of Phil Robertson and Elf on a Shelf.

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    • Ha! I know, I would have gotten a definite ego boost if I’d managed to be THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS. Maybe after a few more years of wandering about and watching my family being slaughtered I will be ready to lead The Unsullied…

      And oh yes, the blocking of facebook friends. I’ve killed my facebook habit since I started blogging… amazingly I find so much less to be angry about on wordpress with strangers than on facebook with people I “know!”

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  28. I was going to spend tomorrow working, Instead, I am going with your philosophy. When questioned as to why my work isn’t done, I will simply say: “It’s a conspiracy!”

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  29. Monday – Wednesday

    Get to work – turn on computer
    1. read the Sydney Morning Herald online
    2. check what’s going on on Yelp
    3. read through my wordpress reader
    4. contemplate writing something on blog = procrastination for about a day
    5. write something on blog
    6. Try to get past whatever level is making me swear on Candy Crush
    7. Text all friends to find out what they are up to on any given night and when the next beer-a-thon is
    8. find a new way to paint nails (nail art yo, it’s amazeballs, and taxes my patience)
    9. spend time on pintrest pinning useless things
    10. rinse repeat with some variations
    11. DO NOT FORGET THE FREAKING COFFEE!!

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    • Haha! I love love love it. So glad I’m not the only one. I have yet to get into this whole Candy Crush phenom though… I have a feeling I would never get past Level One and that it would be swearing from the start.

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      • Well for the first 5 hours of work today I couldn’t turn on my computer.

        I think that was the best Monday morning ever. LIKE EVEEEEEEEEEEER! I shall break it every monday forthwith.

        Don’t get into it, my mother picked it up and now she calls me every week complaining. And I swear at every level. EVERY. FREAKING. LEVEL.

        Train rides with me are entertaining for everyone sitting in the carriage. I swear. And then my battery goes dead and I swear some more. Stupid candy crush. I hate it.

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        • Haha that’s so funny– I’ve always been horrible at games, so it’s no wonder I don’t get into them. I remember when Blackberry’s were all the rage and they had the scroll wheel on the side and you played that “Brickbreaker” game or whatever… that’s the closest I’ve come to an addiction…
          I wish I could have a broken computer waiting for me tomorrow…

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  30. Where are your haikus?! I can also definitely see you as Arry. I have nowhere exciting to explore. My conspiracy theories all revolve around video games (Mario Brothers is all just a bunch of actors playing their roles). And I end up getting a lot of writing and editing done. I might have to try making that scorpion, though. And yes, tomorrow is so going to suck. Have fun with it!

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  32. Now that I have vented about my cat (and how Internet is that?) I went and took that quiz. I have no idea what most of that is about. I feel so old.

    I got someone called Cersai who is all about family. Whatever.

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    • Now that I think about it, you would be a Tyrion Lannister in my mind– you’re quick witted and insightful. He’s “the imp” and his lot in life has made him the cleverest person on the show.

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  34. Hundred and seven comments
    But not one haiku. Uh-oh.
    Comment fail dot com.

    I wrote this haiku in my Loser Poet post. It’s a keeper, I think…

    Every girl wants
    Big penises and tattoos.
    I should get tattoos.

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    • Okay, have some haiku. This got a lot of hits on my blog for awhile. Apparently water haiku was a thing for a bit.

      In perspiration
      Hoping for errant breezes
      So you can cool me.

      Rivers interfered
      Never complain, but remain
      As diminished life.

      Falling from heaven
      What sort of toxins have we
      Put inside of you?

      Wild noise and falling
      Flashing rumbling whirling mad
      Water under doors.

      Silent frozen state
      Coming to life suddenly
      So unexpected.

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    • Aaahhh hahaha you just made me choke on air. Though I don’t think I should reply to your penis comment with the word “choke.” Great, now I’m going to have search traffic like yooouuurrrs.

      Love the haiku. I think perhaps it might a good tattoo itself…

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          • No, no, no. Nothing like that. Though, they’d have a field day with that story.

            Once, when I was in college, I wrote a poem to a girl. Shortly after, she accompanied me to a party. At said party, she got drunk and had sex with one of my quasi-friends. A former Marine.

            Guys with huge penises and tattoos > guys who write bad poems.

            That was the lesson. #manosphere

            🙂

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            • Haha! Oh my gosh, #manosphere = my worst nightmare, ever!

              I can’t believe that little hooker slept with your quasi friend when she went to the party with you in the first place– after you had written her a poem, no less! I’m not sure if a guy has ever written a poem for me… I’ll have to think about it. I did receive a facebook proposal once, which will surely be a future post.

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  35. Anyone who opens her blog with Dwight Schrute anything is my hero. What is better? Bears… Bear Beets Battlestar Galactica. I work with a incarnation of Dwight. I also work with angry Stanley and I lived with an ice maiden Angela…

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      • Don’t tell me they all have cats they dress up for Christmas… I think the best episode was called, “The Dinner Party”. It was a classic.. Wait my second wife was a cross between Angela and Jan… They have a term for those women… Jan that is..

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        • Haha a cougar?! And that’s quite a combination of female personality right there. *sigh* I miss “The Office.” Now THAT was a perfect Series Finale… I cried many a tear.

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          • Jan was a Psycho itch… I love it when she was fired from Dunder Mifflin. Classic too. I didn’t see the finale. Once Micheal left it was a done deal for me. Wait the most classic episode was when Dwight held the fire drill that sent the office into panic…

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            • Haha okay, I also didn’t watch it for a while after he left but then I binged on it over the summer and I straight up wept over the finale…. Michael comes back. You should watch them. *tears of joy*

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    • Haha I cut my facebook friends down to about a hundred so it’s far less entertaining now that they’re mostly normal people… but yes, reading other blogs definitely helps pass the time!

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  39. Create your own conspiracy: Obama is Reagan’s love child and is hiding the out takes from Lost to keep Matthew Fox from spilling the beans? Nah, government false flag conspiracies are much more entertainingly bizarre.

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  40. I love the scorpian. I dont have those clips at work so I can not make that….I like to stalk an ex-coworker on eBay to see what stolen items she is selling. I also like to stalk random people online. Its amazing what you can find on google. I also just look at youtube and find funny videos of people doing stupid shit. I have made it a career of spending my day looking like I am working, but actually doing nothing. I like to walk around my office with cameras like I am actually doing something with them….I love this post!

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    • PS, in regards to conspiracy theories ( of course I am into these-I live in the US) there is an AMAZING one about 9-11. Its called “In plane sight” omg that will rock you for more than 1 day at work…

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    • Haha! It’s pretty alarming when you think of all the time we waste NOT working while at work… and I must confess to doing a fair amount of internet stalking as well… What kind of stuff was your ex-coworker stealing?! That is insane! And she was selling under her real identity???

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      • YES!!! Shes a total idiot. I work for a major film/photography company (Fuji Film USA) and she was taking cameras, memory cards, batteries, chargers. You name it she took it. She sold under a name that was the same as her instagram-and she was friends with our boss in instagram…idiot i tell you, idiot!!!
        They dont pay me enough to NOT waste time! bwaahhha haaaa

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        • That’s so weird and just awkward to think about, I can’t believe she’d be that not-smart about it! And that’s so so weird that she was stealing that frequently. I’ve known people to steal over the years, especially in retail, but when they set up an ebay shop that’s a whole other level of crazy. I wonder if she will ever get caught… I imagine it’s a sort of compulsion now. I don’t blame you for online stalking such a weirdy!

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          • well she is more of a goodwill shopper/reseller so i have no idea…i just watch what she puts up and see how much she sells if for. shes just an odd ball and shes lucky the company didnt call the cops! lol

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  41. Aw! That sheep.

    I work in housekeeping (Help!) and I listen to music while I (usually) clean bathrooms and it allows my mind to wander. Otherwise, I may work with someone interesting and we talk about everything from their MDMA experiences to scientific explanations for ghosts. But some days, nothing can get me away from having one of those “Get me out of here!” breakdowns.

    I am going to take that quiz too. 😀

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    • Let me know which character you are! And oh man… those conversations sound like some I would have at MY work! I broke up with a guy who was insisting (randomly) that we try MDMA. Out of nowhere, he was just like “google it, it looks fun!” Um, no. And oooo I could definitely benefit from a scientific explanation for my own ghostly encounters!

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      • It turns out I am Arya as well! :O I thought I would’ve been Sansa for sure! Then again, while dancing at a club a couple of nights ago, a random guy started a fight with my room mate and pushed him around. I ran over, fearless, and was going to punch him and tell him to leave him alone before the bouncer escorted the scrapper out. Maybe there’s some Arya fighter in me after all. 😛

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  42. OK, I stand corrected: Aussome it is.
    I mostly had to do stupid shit like actually WORKING at my jobs, but there were some exceptions. We used to drink Coronas and sing along with Quadrophenia during the slow times at a cooking job I had. Also when I was in high school I worked in the warehouse at a Montgomery Ward store, and we used to go out on the loading dock to get loaded a lot. One time just before the holidays they sent us half of a 40′ trailer of loose bean bag chairs, which we unloaded into a huge pile in the receiving area. Sheree, the cute receiving girl bet me that we could tunnel in from opposite sides of the pile and meet in the middle. We missed. More’s the pity…

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    • Oh my goodness, your beanbag tunneling exploits are almost as cute sounding as that little baby sheep that was running and then did the head boop.

      I’ve only ever drank during class, not actually while AT work. Unless you count drinking at lunch and then going back to work, in which case I do it on a nigh weekly basis…

      I like that you got loaded on a loading dock. Sounds like you were just fulfilling your job description…

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      • I had a store management gig once where I was working about seventy hours a week for forty hours a week pay. I’d take 2-3 hour lunch breaks and go down to the street and hang out at the record store. And drink beer and eat cheese sandwiches at the diner across the street. I actually liked this job, they pretty much let me alone. I quit when we started getting robbed regularly.

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      • That’s the way we saw it. As for the drinking, my manager Merideth the Massachusetts moderate lesbian used to make sure there was a sixer of Coronas in my refrigerator when I showed up, at least a couple of times a week. I would have preferred Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, or Anchor Steam, but we actually sold both of those and it wouldn’t have looked good for the staff to be drinking them on duty. In retrospect, it was both kind and thoughtful of her to do that.

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        • Ha– I like that there’s no worry over staff drinking while working so long as it’s not a drink you sell! Sounds like a different world… People who’ve worked at my hospital for a long time always talk about how they would drink at lunch and bring it back in a to-go cup. Madness.

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  43. with an admonition to forward or else be cursed for 7 years. <<< Ha…don't you love it? I've probably blocked more people in the last year (family, mostly?) than the past five combined. The scary thing is, some people actually BELIEVE the digital chain letters they send. (Yeah…) I've seen some pretty creepy ones.

    Great post. :0) (I love The office.)

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    • I think my favorite e-mail chain letter was one that was sent by “Wanda” the evil biatch who judges everyone and has a silver Amish bun on her rosy cheeked head– of course, she didn’t send it to me, but my coworker forwarded it with a big WTF– it was a long email with tips on how to be a more submissive wife!!!!!! BLEW MY MIND. That sounds like workplace violence, if you ask me!
      And yes, family on facebook is just a recipe for disaster…

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      • Hahaha…have you ever sneezed and busted out laughing at the same time? (Me neither, until just now.)

        I tell you, I love the Amish. I really do. (That said, I love who I see in my mind “collectively”, yeah? I really don’t know them personally.) But……..

        ………..

        I’ve seen documentaries that are jaw-dropping. Physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse; keeping women dumbed-down intentionally so even if they (girls and women) wanted to escape and report the abuse to authorities, they wouldn’t know how because, well…they’ve never been allowed to learn English! Of course, this isn’t “every Amish person” but several isolated (well hidden) communities that were represented on the show. It freaked me the crap out. Sexual abuse between “patriarchs” and the younger women (and younger men) are not an uncommon occurrence, as was reported on the show and at the admittance of some of the younger women who made the claims. That said, I’m sure there are some fine Amish people out there (etc. etc.) …

        If I would have received a “Learn How to Become the Ultimate Submissive Sock Puppet for your Soon-to-be Abusive Patriarch/Husband!” chain letter, I would have been like, “Yo. How you gonna send me this if you’re not allowed to use electricity?”

        Paint it white or black, man…

        People like Wanda really do (in their minds and hearts) think they’re doing others a great service by pitching the same script, year after year, verbatim- but that type of thing goes against everything that’s “right and true” in those areas- and they don’t even know it.

        You just have to reach a point where you look at them politely and flip the script and starting talking about apple pies and extra butter vs. olive oil- Granny Smith vs. Gala and so on and so forth (but really quick-like) and them leave her in a great apple dither and walk away smiling [again, quick-like] with a dreamy apple-gaze in your eyes…

        That’s how to handle THAT.

        xo 😉

        Reply

        • Haha! Excellent advice there, I will most definitely try this butter/oil/apple debate as a diversion next time! That’s crazy about the Amish community, I’ve never heard anything like that… It sounds more like the radical and isolated LDS communities but I guess they both have some similar factors that would enable such situations to arise. Dang… that’s troubling and makes me want to become a vigilante or something.

          Reply

  45. had to fire this one off quick, Aussa, before commenting more:
    Rob has got a haiku challenge for December over at his blog, Rob’s Surf Report. He’s not only been quick and timely with his replies, he also told me he didn’t mind if the challenge went past December. If you’re up to writing haikus about high fantasy fiction, and you’ve got a boring work day… why not? You could probably pick a different topic in January and he’d likely still be flattered– he seems that cool.

    Not to mention now that I’ve pinged him, he will probably drop by and read this post. Probably comment, too. He seems that cool.

    Reply

    • Haha! Well, conspiracy theories and haikus are options for all people! Though getting drunk and conversing with cats sounds like a pretty excellent choice right there, Kim… I always have some really intense heart to hearts with my dog, Zola, after a few glasses of wine…

      Reply

  47. That last gif is the definition of bitter, because I keep waiting for that sheep to ram into that ram and everytime I see it am disappointed. Sounds like I am going to be disappointed for the next two days in my time waste.

    Reply

    • Ha! I know. It’s like the little sheep has a change of heart or a sudden attack of confidence… head boops are the best and if anything would melt your bitter little heart I would think it would be a sheep head boot.

      Reply

  48. years ago, when i was a waitress and forced to work on easter, (while the owner was not), we had no customers all day and we just sat upstairs, drank coffee and baileys, played poker, and had the ten commandments on the tv. quite a shift.

    Reply

  49. I just write a new post about Latvia, hit publish, sit back and wait for the mayhem to begin 😉 I like the going exploring option – I discovered 3 hidden toilets at the school I freelance at the other day, always useful 😉 But today, I am NOT working! Flying home in a few hours – you can watch my comedy transition from me to tubby to obese in photos as my mother attempts to ‘feed me up’ 😉 Happy Christmas!

    Reply

    • Ha! Oh I believe it… Your infamous over there in Eastern Europe. Wait– oops, no, put down the pitchforks, Latvia is basically Sweden!
      Enjoy the trip home! Glad you’re able to go back for the holidays… good luck to your mother’s attempts, that sounds rather wonderful 😉

      Reply

    • Haha– yes, facebook is always a trusty time waster. Especially if you have high school friends who have made horrifying life choices and documented it for everyone to see. I imagine you are now striking envy into the hearts of your fb friends with all your traveling!

      Reply

      • that’s right! I put some nice pics on and think ‘eat this shit you losers’ it makes me feel so much better about myself 🙂
        I also used to stalk ex or potential boyfriends – it is actually called ‘an intensive research of an individual’.

        Reply

  52. I love the picture of the little cat with the anti-brain-scan hat on 🙂

    My Game of Thrones character is Hodor, I had to look him up. He’s that huge dimwit who spends all his time lugging the Stark kid around, apparently.
    Figures.
    I was hoping for someone a bit more dynamic. With a sword.

    Reply

    • Haha well sitting at work tends to lead to either utter despair over the humorlessness of the situation OR unrestrained amusement over the ridiculousness of the situation. I guess it’s a choice which one we go with 😉 I’m glad this made you laugh, thank you!

      Reply

  54. What’s really difficult for me is coming out of these lulls at work and then be expected to perform at my pre-lull level of expertise. It’s the most painful transition of the season. Worse than recovering from my mother-in-law horrific cooking, and that’s saying something.

    One of my favs is ATM poker. Go to and ATM and while waiting for your cash to dispense, pick up the receipts littering the floor and see if your have more money in your account that other people. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. And what about blogging?! You can burn dozens of hours in blog land. It’s a year-round distraction for me.

    Reply

    • Lulls at work just contribute to my overall decline in productivity… it’s a constant downward trend…

      “ATM Poker” sounds just like your twisted brand of fun. I always take my receipts for that very reason, I don’t want anyone seeing the good or bad news! I already feel like the bank tellers judge me like “Really? You ate their THREE times in a week?”

      Blogging is definitely a good time waster, indeed… Sometimes I worry they are going to see the exponential spike in my internet usage since I joined WordPress…

      Reply

      • ATM poker is great fun. It just so happens that SOMETIMES, you actually have more in your account than someone else, so you get to feel superior for a brief moment. Once, I picked up a receipt that said the owner had over $80,000 in their checking account! Can you imagine! My Chase checking account pays a whopping 0.01% interest (no kidding). Who keeps that kind of cash in a checking account!?

        Just tell them you’re using WordPress to promote mental stability to stave off any new patients. Spin a golden bullshit story.

        Reply

        • Woah– $80k in a CHECKING account? That’s a terrible idea… weird. They were clearly a gangster. You should have tried to track them down and learn their gangster ways.

          I could probably spin some pretty decent BS, particularly since no one here understands anything to do with technology/life.

          Reply

  55. I find roaming around starting conversations with other people who also don’t feel like working can take hours out of your day!

    Reply

  57. How the heck did I get Robb Stark? He’s my least favorite character… and he’s dead! Also 1,000 points to you for #8. If you like sheep, be sure to check out Modern Farmer’s Lamb Cam. 🙂

    Reply

    • Aw, man! Robb Stark’s not so bad… At least you didn’t get King Joffrey or Little Finger, right?! Just don’t accept any wedding invitations for a while…
      I’ll have to google that Lamb Cam! I went to a state fair for the first time in my life this summer and they had these tiny little baby lambs that were so clumsy… *swoon*

      Reply

  58. I work from home these days so my “pass the time” tactics are too commonplace to confess: sorting laundry, eating cookie dough, having staring competitions with my dog, pulling loose tufts of fur out of our rabbit’s ears etc. Hwever, I must say that in my former life as the only person working in the Vancouver tourist bureau on a dreary, quieter than quiet February Saturday afternoon I performed stellar “pass the time” antics. My particular favourite was hurling my pen up to the ceiling. Ohhhhh the excitement! “Would it stick?” “How long would it stick?” “Would it fall back down and pierce me in the eye…?” “Which eye?”

    Reply

    • OH. MY. GOSH.
      I forgot about the throw-pen-into-ceiling tactic.
      I haven’t done this since my middle school band days… holy crap. Okay, as soon as the guy across the hall leaves for a meeting, it. is. on.

      PS- I want to eat cookie dough as a pass time and touch the ears of a rabbit… that just sounds magical.

      Reply

    • Let’s do this. I’m seriously thinking of trying to recreate that binder clip scorpion.. I have about ten sizes of them in my drawer. One weighs like two pounds– why would you ever EVER need one that big?!

      Reply

      • Hahah! Oh man that sounds ridiculously huge! I only have 3 sizes, but I’ve never been able to find a stack of papers big enough to use our jumbo kind. Now I can create animals with them! FInally a purpose! HAhaa

        Reply

  61. I tend to waste my time with #3, #4 and #8. Lost.. still pissed about that one. So far as GoT characters, turns out that I’m Hodor… of course. With animated GIFs, I’m too afraid that one day I’ll find out just how much time I’ve spent looking at them.

    Happy Holiday’s Aussa. May your Monday move as swiftly as the horses from your stack of deeds.

    Reply

    • “May your Monday move as swiftly as the horses from your stack of deeds” makes me extra excited to work on my comments post for the month of December!

      And you are the second Hodor on this comments feed, huzzah! So glad I’m not the only one who is still angry about LOST… I was afraid I might have some debate over that and I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to dive in too deeply…

      Reply

  62. It’s actually not funny how accurate this whole post is. You know, while I sit here at work, reading blogs and posting memes to Facebook. Oh, crap. You’re spying on me, aren’t you?? What an excellent way to waste time at work! I can spy on people. This could take me all day to set up a software system to monitor the video equipment that I can use to spy on them. Joy! My day is planned.

    Reply

    • Haha spying on people would definitely be fun… I technically have access to the security cameras on the ward but I don’t look at them because:
      A- I don’t ever want any task related to this capability, so I claim it to be “broken”
      B- It feels wrong to spy on patients who are court committed. Staff would be fair game but alas… no cameras in this building. Wait… that’s a good thing. A very very good thing…

      Reply

  64. Aussa I adore this post! It’s FABULOUS!! The thing about “Lost” made me crack up because it is SO TRUE. SPENT YEARS watching that damn show for what? To not get one of my questions answered as to what in the world was going on. So bummed!!!! I will have to keep all your ideas above in mind for my next job!! Especially building something out of ketchup packets! :))))) Hope you have a lovely Christmas. Thank you for blogging and being the kind of writer that can make me laugh out loud. So few do. <3

    Reply

    • Aw, thank you so much for your sweet comment! I’m so glad we can bond over LOST as well… those who are like “the questions don’t need to be answered in order for the story to make sense” make me want to run out into traffic! It couldn’t have been a worse ending if they’d had Jacob wake up at the end and realize it was all just a dream and he was a Taxi driver in Detroit.

      Reply

  65. Given last Friday was already starting to feel like this at the office, I just took today off. But now I think I want to make a scorpion out of clips. I could TOTALLY do that. Thanks for the inspiration! And seriously, I had no idea JFK killed Marilyn. Well, wait. Maybe I’d heard that somewhere before… I’ll have to go check it out 😉

    Reply

  66. I loved all of these and can tell you when I was working the only one I didn’t see was the GIF. It is so darned cute I could watch it for hours which I already did. I started these comments this morning and have finally broken the spell.

    Reply

    • Ha, Christine I suppose you’re right! If school is anything like it used to be when I was there then you can just say “FREE DAY!” and roll in a TV and play a lifetime movie or Selena if you’re a Spanish teacher…

      Reply

  68. I went back and did the quiz!!

    Because it’s now Tuesday and I have 2 hours left at work and it’s procrastination central.

    I got Arya!

    That’s because I’m awesome with sticks. I’m sure.

    Reply

    • Most definitely procrastination central at that point! I bowed out of work 2 hours early after taking a 2 hour lunch… I just couldn’t do it anymore, ha. Not even the binder clip sculptures were keeping me occupied…
      awesome with sticks and also because you’re just awesome in general (see what I did there?)

      Reply

  70. I waste time at work with social media and my blog. It helps that part of my job revolves around social media and a blog… You have to look closely to see if I’m on company stuff or my own.

    And you have to be very careful not to post the wrong thing to the wrong page. ^_^

    Reply

    • Oh, that’s like my worst nightmare right there! I have a separate facebook account for my blog… I’m always afraid when I hit the facebook share button that I am going to put it on the profile where coworkers and family members are. That would NOT go over well… That’s cool that you get to work with social media in your job… I do a teensy bit but that’s only because if I didn’t do it it wouldn’t happen. You haven’t talked about your job very much, no? At least not since I’ve been around!

      Reply

    • What! Stop that! What!
      Thank you, dearest 🙂 That was like a gift of a compliment. I hope you have a great Christmas and document some lovelies for us to enjoy on your site.

      Reply

    • Haha well it sounds like you’ve got them all fooled! Merry Merry to you as well– and no hot flashes over here, ever! I’m anxious to get back to the gym so I can lay in the sauna 😉

      Reply

  75. I’m Arya. I made that up. I don’t know who I am. But I don’t know the characters cuz I’m a loser evidently.
    Trashcan basketball Olympics were big when I managed at the Improv. Or the movie quote game. My brother was a doorman for about a year while I worked there and we used to do defensive driving shifts during the day (comics would teach defensive driving). Anyway, there was a lot of downtime and he and I would play this card game called Freak Out. We’d play for hours, and hours, and eventually play for lunch, or the next person to fill my gas tank, or a carton of smokes. Shit got REAL Aussa.
    Lol.

    Reply

    • You probably ARE Arya! Or you are the MOTHER OF DRAGONS. Someone badass. And you’re definitely not a loser for not knowing what we’re yammering on about– in fact, I think this proves the opposite.

      Quick Interlude: I originally wrote “probes” instead of “proves.” I’m pretty sure this is a typo I need to start incorporating into my emails and other correspondence, just to jazz things up…

      Anyways: I MUST know what this “Freak Out” game is. I love freaking out! Also, trashcan olympics and the movie quote game = best things in life.

      Reply

      • Freak out (the card game) I have begun an explanation twice and realized I don’t remember enough. I’ll have to email my brother. Can’t call him. You know this. But I can email him and he should answer pretty quickly. Hold please…..

        Reply

      • Very simple, fast moving game (which is why you freak out), but here’s the rules copy and pasted straight from my bro, which I didn’t thoroughly check for disparaging remarks, so here ya go:

        Here are the basic rules:
        Goal: Collect all the cards.

        Shuffle the deck thoroughly, especially after each round. Starting with dealer’s left, all cards are dealt out evenly. If the number of players cannot be divided in to 52 evenly, either remove cards (without identifying them) to make it divisible, or add cards from an identical deck. Every player must have the exact same number of cards.

        Everyone’s cards are stacked in front of them, face-down in a single stack.

        Rules:

        Starting to the left of the dealer, play clockwise. Each players takes the top card and places it face up in the middle of the table to form a single stack. When moving a card from your pile to the middle of the table, turn the card away from yourself. This ensures you don’t see the card before the other players. Obviously, you’ll want to do this motion as fast as humanly possible so as to not give other players an advantage. Lol

        When the card that is placed in the middle is a jack, all players race to be the first to *slap* (the shit out of) the jack. The first player to do so wins that stack and adds it to the bottom of their own stack. That player then briefly shuffles their stack before play resumes.

        Tie Breakers: Most of the time it will be clear whose hand landed first, but there will be times when that can be called in to question. If no judgement can be fairly made as to who won the slap, the stack in the middle of the table is set aside. Only the players in dispute will then flip the top card of their stack over and set it on top. The highest card begins the Tie Breaker Round. The cards that were turned over are put back in a random spot in each players own stack.
        The winner then begins the tie breaker by starting a new round in the middle of the table. The winner of that stack also wins the disputed stack.

        Triple Slap: If a player slaps 3 Jacks in a row they have to make a rule. Some common rules are:
        two like cards of the same color (ex: two black 9’s, or two black kings), or slightly less challenging, just two like cards (ex: two 9’s or two face cards). One really tricky one (results in a lot of ‘wrong slaps’) is, two like cards that are of opposite color (ex: 6 of diamonds then 6 of clubs). That one will hurt your brain, but also results in a lot of laughs.

        The only rule to making rules is that a rule cannot physically give any player an advantage or put other players at a disadvantage. Ex: Player 2 now has to play left handed. That’s a no-no. Rules have to be card-related. Lol

        Wrong Slap:
        If a player slaps the center stack and it’s not a Jack or did not follow the rule, that player has to put their top 3 cards in to the middle stack. When doing so, they are considered ‘out of play.’ So, if the top of those 3 cards is a jack, it can’t be slapped and play resumes on top of it.

        Multiple Players:
        If a player runs out cards, they are still in the game and can slap-in until one player has *all* the cards.

        I think that’s about it.

        Reply

        • !!!!!!!!
          We used to play this game when I was a kid and I had forgotten about it! OH MY GOSH and it will be so so so much better if/when I add alcohol to the mix!

          We never played with the “Triple Slap” rule– that is positively brilliant and would most definitely lead to lots and lots of freaking out.

          I love your brother’s tone in the way he wrote this out, bahahaha no disparaging remarks at all, huzzah!

          Thank you for this, Beth… I feel like the boyfriend and I might have to give it a try tonight. New holiday tradition, yayayay!

          Reply

  77. I got Danaerys. I feel pretty metal.
    I use a combination of blogs (like yours, please never stop posting – it keeps me sane), New Scientist and National Geographic to get me through.
    Oh, and xkcd and SMBC-comics.

    Reply

    • Aw, thank you Zane! I’m right up there with National Geographic now, eh? 😉 I’m sticking that on my blogging resume… like some sort of critic’s review…

      And woah, Danaerys, eh? What do I need to do to grow from the angry little girl to that Stormborne Dothraki Princess??? Liberate some people? Burn a voodoo priestess at the stake? Color my hair blonde? Please, let me know your secrets…

      Reply

      • You’re way up there with NatGeo! Sometimes, I read your blog in a David Attenborough voice. True story.
        Other times, it’s Hannibal Lector. Just add “with fava beans and a nice Chianti” to the end of everything you say.

        I think it’s all about being naked and doing weird things with reptiles in public. Oh, and Jason Momoa. You’ve gotta be willing to have rough, animal sex with Jason Momoa. Such a challenge, I know – but somehow, I think I could just about, maybe, manage to deal with that 😉

        Reply

      • You win at comments. This. All of this.
        I can’t wait to write my “Group Therapy” comment post for December. I just don’t even know which part of this to select…. good lord, thank you.

        Reply

  78. Haha brilliant! I esp agree with lost. I mean what a complete waste of my life!! I’ve never been so disappointed…. Usually when I try avoid work, I make out I’m looking for a special bottle of wine and spend ages in the wine store.

    Reply

    • Oooo… I have to say that spending ages in the wine store is not something I’ve done. I’m usually just a run in and locate something more expensive than $6 and less expensive than $20 😉

      After I posted this, my boyfriend (who doesn’t read all my posts usually) texted me: “LOST wasn’t the worst ending ever.” I think he feels less cheated because he only just watched all 7 seasons this year and breezed through them in like 6 weeks. But for the rest of us… a complete waste of our lives, as you say…

      Reply

  79. I stopped watching”Lost” because I was lost. And because I would start to laugh when the Aussie girl would say, “Charlie.”Can’t find the link. Spent a half hour looking for a very funny montage and can’t find it. Jeesh!!

    Reply

    • Haha oh I don’t need a montage, I can hear it blaring in my head right now– and now I’m so close to just saying it out loud: “Chaaaulie! Chaaauuliiiie, I can’t have you around my baaabaaaay!”

      Reply

  80. Daenerys Targaryen; I love dragons and scary dark staircases / hidden hallways. I also love wasting time, and have the scars to prove it…. but not the paperclip scorpions… DAMNIT! We actually have old bunkers up here on a few beaches that are perfect for paintball wars due to all the hidden hallways and hidey-holes. Of course paintball wars in the bunkers are illegal, which is why they are so alluring. … good lord .. I need to get a day job.

    Reply

    • You most definitely strike me as a Daenerys, that quiz doth not lie! I want a dragon though, so so badly. I would also settle for a dinosaur, so long as I get it when it’s a baby… I’ve thought about this a lot…

      Those bunkers sound amazing! Oh my gosh! I grew up out in “the country” where we had all these wooded areas and would have amazing paintball wars… but a dark creepy tunnel (especially one that’s illegal) would win all.

      Day jobs are overrated 😉

      Reply

  81. I think you’ve just found your cash cow. Time to turn this gem of information into an e-course for $99 or some other “insanely low price you won’t find anywhere else” (sorry – my brain is overwhelmed by all the Christmas “sale” e-mails/spam replicating in my inbox like Gremlins).

    Also – the come at me, bro made me laugh like a crackhead. You do you, boo boo and I look forward to the post about it.

    Reply

    • Haha, yessss! And oh my gosh– my email inbox is the same. It’s H O R R I B L E . My actual emails are buried beneath the barrage of “It’s Not To Late To Find Something Special!” subject lines.

      I’m so glad I inspired crackhead-like laughter 😉 Thank you, and Merry Christmas, Rachel!!!

      Reply

  83. Ha, loved this post, especially the binder-clip sculpture…awesome! Since I work at home, I mostly waste time reading blogs, which I consider “research”. 🙂 Now if I just spent as much time wasting writing blogs…

    I was compelled to click on the link and find out I am the “Jon Snow, bastard son of…”, which means nothing to me since I am Game of Thrones ignorant. Now I know.

    Merry Christmas to you, Aussa!

    Reply

    • Haha I only wish I were a “professional” writer so I could do such things and also call it “research.” Maybe someday… *sigh*

      And ooo you are the bastard, Jon Snow! He’s a good one. He’s an enigma who will eventually play some huge part in the story but is currently banished to a very cold place… perhaps you can relate to this! Ha Ha…

      Merry Christmas to you as well! Hope it’s a great one 🙂

      Reply

  84. Holy Cow! I could waste most of my Wednesday trying to catch up with your Monday! or at least the comments. I love it here. I could hardly steal any time on Monday I was so busy.

    I have no clue about game of thrones. It sounds like chess with royal furnature. I got Daenerys Targaryen. (I had to write it down so I could tell you). Lemme tell you, the resemblence is quite amazing. I felt like I was looking in a mirror.

    LOVE the binder clip scorpion. I dont think I have that kinda talent. ditto for the taco bell condiments. However I could watch that adorable little lamb for a long time. It’s like you can read his mind.

    I will also need to follow the other suggested links. JFK and Marilyn. Duck Dynasty. You do know we never went to the moon right? movie set in the desert. oh and the world is flat.

    Can I please have a copy of how to be a good woman or whatever that guide was you found in the closet?

    🙂 I really do love you Aussa.

    Reply

    • I’m so impressed that you wrote down the proper spelling of “Daenerys Targaryen.” I am reading the book (like a proper nerd) and I’m not even all that confident in my ability to properly spell it… And yes– like looking in a mirror! Do you feel the same when you look at the Olsen Twins?! Because I’m pretty sure she is one of them… (new conspiracy theory just cropped up right there).

      I remember having a Canadian friend in high school who introduced me to the whole moon conspiracy thing… I still maybe sort of buy it… Wasn’t the moon waving in the wind? What? WHAT!

      I really must find those “Good Woman” guides and feature some of their most important lessons on this blog… The covers alone are just… beautiful.

      I hope you have a great Christmas, Julie! And that things slow down so you can enjoy it all 🙂

      Reply

  85. Horray! I am Daenerys Targaryen – young, pretty, can walk through fire, dragons love her — and she is the rightful queen of all the land. Everything that I should be, but was tragically denied. I’m going to be writing a blog post one day about watching Game of Thrones with my 19-year-old son — “Jonathon and Boobies”

    Reply

  86. All I wanted to do at work on Monday was nothing, but it was my last day until Jan 2nd, so I actually had to do stuff. I prepared for that though, by doing absolutely nothing work-related all Friday (the 20th). I didn’t write a Haiku, but I did write a Christmas poem!

    Reply

    • Haha you just spoke straight to my heart– particularly with harassing coworkers on going onto buzzfeed. Oh my GOSH I should have some sort of college degree from buzzfeed for all the time I have put into that site… It’s freaking brilliant.

      Reply

    • Haha! My boyfriend is also Kal Drogo! At least you get to live on in that weird alter-world of fantasy where you hold your baby and try to talk Daenarys (your moon and stars) into abandoning her dragons. Wait, maybe that’s not a comfort?

      Reply

    • Yes, please do “find” some art and OH I’m jealous that you’re Tyrion!!! He has the best dialogue in the show and the best chapters in the book! *stomps foot in jealousy*

      Reply

  93. Of course you are Arya.

    And I’m the little sheep who tries really damn hard to be aggressive, but just ends up getting lazy before anything happens and giving life a light little tap because to do anything else might spill my martini. And its hard to hold a martini.

    Reply

    • Ha! You know… I’ve been waiting for someone to perfectly interpret the meaning of that little sheep… you nailed it.

      Now I want a martini. Which makes me want a bath robe. Which might be a bit odd.

      Reply

  94. Did the quiz, got an Arya, niiiice.
    Also, random hating on the internet, really time-consuming. I remember getting into a Facebook debate a while ago on civil partnership/gay marriage, when I was supposed to be studying. This shirt works. Didn’t read a single note. The fear before an oral exam? Proportionate.

    Reply

    • Yeah, another Arya! We need to start a tribe.

      And oh man, I got sucked into a debate about SANTA CLAUS and whether you should tell your kids the truth etc. a few years ago and lost years off of my life! It was all in defense of my Sister In Law who was getting bullied by a Stepford Wife… I can’t stand that, it activates something inside of me. But yeah I may not have fed myself or the dog for a while.

      Reply

  95. The only reason to work in a cubicle is the endless, I can’t believe this is happening, writing fodder. As a teacher it is highly unethical for me to disclose the ridiculous ways we waste time, because as you know we are always 100% invested in the future of the child, and never have a depressed day where we want to slap the shit out of the next kid who asks to go to the bathroom while we’re talking.

    Reply

    • Haha! You’re the second teacher to comment and be like “no comment.” I’ve never worked in a cubicle but I just saw my boyfriend’s cube last night at his office… I feel like I would get into all sorts of trouble if I were in a room with that many people all day. Kind of like the grownup equivalent to the kid who asks to go to the bathroom in your class 😉

      Reply

  96. Think about Lost. Biggest time waste ever. Can I get those years back?? No. Just like I will never really know what the polar bear was or the smoke monster or… make it stop, please.

    Reply

    • Seriously! I was just skimming over this post the other night and I started getting all rabbit-hole crazy again! Too many things to wonder about… it’s like they managed to capture all the mysteries and frustrations of the universe in that one TV show…

      Reply

  97. Ha! I spend my time on WordPress and then take quizzes people tell me to take. I’ve never watched The Game of Thrones but I’m some white haired girl that likes her dragons? Dunno. Thanks for the time waste though! I spend a lot of time on Pinterest if I have nothing to do at work, and dream of my perfect house and all the cute crafty DIY things I could be doing if I was at home right now. Thanks for the blog post! I just killed another 30 minutes!

    Reply

      • Wooo! I won! And I’ve never watched the show, so I’m probably generating a lot of haters right now, both with the fact that I’ve never seen it and I’m like one of those lucky people who never play the lottery but found a dollar on the ground and decided to give it a try and end up winning the jackpot. Sorry peeps! I is who I is! Apparently I’m a kick-ass chick who owns dragons. Sounds about right.

        Reply

  98. Normally when I want to waste time at work, I read blog posts (like this one), look up stuff online, or work on writing fiction. By the way, instead of pondering LOST can I ponder Doctor Who? And that photo of the tunnel under “Explore new places”, what is that from? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a similar tunnel in a ghost-hunting TV show.

    Reply

    • Ha! I stole that tunnel image somewhere off the interwebs before I started responsibly sourcing my images (whoops). I STILL haven’t gone down there yet… saving that adventure for a rainy day.

      Also saving Doctor Who! Everyone keeps talking about it constantly… but it looks like such a commitment. Will it hurt my heart as much as LOST? Not sure I can handle that again…

      Reply

      • That depends on how deeply attached you get to each actor who plays the Doctor. You’ve probably heard, but plenty of actors have played the Doctor over the years and everyone has their favorite (mine’s 9th). I know people who were very attached to 11th Doctor Matt Smith and actually cried at the end of his last episode this past Christmas. So depending on how heavily attached you get to an individual Doctor or one of his companions may determine your level of heartache.

        Besides that, you should be fine. There’s no LOST-like endings where you’re left going WTF? Sure, sometimes they resolve plots in the weirdest of ways, but it works in the end. And yes, it is a bit of a commitment, but it’s totally doable to watch everything from Season 1 to the present (if you include the classic series though it might take longer).

        Reply

        • Love this. Okay, so it’s very “Bond” like in the sense that you end up with a fav actor. Got it.
          Hmmm….. well…. I’m 27 years old so I think I have enough time to start with Season 1 😉 Thanks!

          Reply

          • You’re welcome. And yeah, it is very bond, except they have some sci-fi explanation for why the Doctor occasionally changes his face and personality. Also, if you do decide to start the show, start with season 1 of the renewed series instead of the classic series. Takes less time and you can get into it just from there.
            Good luck!

            Reply

  100. Haha…Mondays are never easy. Worse, i used to think that job makes Monday’s bad. Well, i ma self-employed now and i am still petrified of the darned day! Happy 2014

    Reply

    • I will definitely pop by your blog soon 🙂 And I have worked night shift in the past…. most productive (not for work, but for personal gain) time of my life! Welcome to WordPress, and thanks for stopping by!

      Reply

  104. why did i just laugh my ass off at this. I work as a cashier in a restaurant so I will be putting these to the test. Perhaps I’ll replace my current time waster (naming all the customers applicably and imagining all the possible conversations they are having while they eat)

    Reply

    • Haha! You can make all sorts of condiment artwork as well! I like that you name your customers. When I worked at AT&T we would call all of them “Charley” but then group them into types, like… a “spinning Charley” was an angry customer and a “Shining Charley” was scantily clad or something like that. Oh the things we do to survive employment…

      Reply

  106. Aussa, Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!! You’re so funny. I thoroughly enjoyed this. You know I watched most of Lost and still haven’t seen the last two episodes. I guess I didn’t miss a thing! The Internet creates all kinds of time wasting opportunities, doesn’t it? I appreciate your creative approach.

    Reply

    • Haha, thank you! But… what! You made it that far into LOST and then just threw in the towel?! Granted, I have to commend you– because at least you got to walk away with some sort of belief in a grander purpose or explanation. That’s something the rest of us were robbed of 😉

      Reply

      • I know! Can you believe?! I just want to watch it now just to complete it! I don’t remember a thing about it anymore. You brought it all back to me though, so maybe I could finish it now! My kid tried to watch and thought it was really stupid.

        Reply

    • Ha! That. Is. Awesome. A few other teachers have commented and been like “I don’t have these options” – I love that you’re just owning it, bahaha! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

      Reply

  112. “I need a cute little sheep” is not a phrase to be tossed around lightly at certain places of employment.

    E. g. Neuroscience convention keynote speaker, prison guard on night watch, office Christmas party at Trump Towers, etc.

    Reply

  115. The FP stamp. Good for you, lady. I don’t think you needed any help getting found, but I like people validating my high opinion of you. 😉

    Reply

    • You are braver than me! (I almost said “you’re a braver man than me” but I guess you’d always win at that one..) I get too frustrated when trying to blog or even comment from my phone. Perhaps I need more practice… Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply

  120. I work in a call center type thing (too hard to explain) and in between calls I can surf the web… so what do I do to waste time? I read a lot of blogs (I have been known to read almost every post on this blog in one day… that’s what happens with 10 hours haha). Or I write blogs. Or I look for cars I want to buy. Plan out how much it is to move across the country. And when I get really bored I watch a ton of Mindy Lahiri (Lies – I’m watching for Dr. Danny, shhh) and New Girl. 😀

    Reply

  123. I do clerical at a doc’s office, so there’s always something to do. Whether or not I do it that second is up to me. I usually end up really working because no one else does jack. But someone made a haiku of my tweet:
    All this blizzard talk
    I have to go to work though
    I just want to sleep

    lol
    (and that sheep gif is just the best!)

    Reply

  128. That sheep is eerily like my boss. I sing to myself, a little song called 12 Senile Customers. (A bit like 99 bottles of beer). It passes the time. Often sweeping the floor will inspire a poem….also we laugh a lot.

    Reply

    • Haha! Does your boss come charging at you and then change his mind at the last second and go “nah, I’ll head boop ya instead.”

      “Sweeping the floor will inspire a poem…” that’s excellent. I feel like I am in the company of a master.

      Reply

      • Thanks Aussa, he does exactly that then screeches to a halt and bops his own head. He has never learned my name in four years and calls me ‘Yoo Hoo’ the best part is when he stands at one end of the large warehouse waving an invoice and expects me to be able to read it. Today someone shat down the front of the only toilet and my co-workers spent all day praying that the toilet fairy would come along. I cleaned up the shit as I headed home. Hope you all had as great a day, from Worzel.

        Reply

  132. Very funny. I love the sheep. Conspiracy theories. My pet one is that John F. Kennedy was offed by his wife who had a love affair with the Greek. Notice she was right next to him in the car and was not shot. To precise of a shot for me. She set up her unfaithful husband.

    Reply

  135. As a master-of-wasting-work-time, I appreciate the new tactics to try out.

    I have found during my time wasting experience that the one tactic that can truly blow 8 straight work hours is fighting with people on the internet. It’s pathetic yet so entertaining.

    Love the post-great stuff.

    Reply

    • Haha! Yes, a kindred spirit! It’s very true about the fighting on the internet… there’s really no limit to it, I’m pretty sure you could drag that on until retirement.
      Thanks for reading and for caring to comment 🙂

      Reply

  140. Oh my god, I got Hodor. WTF? Thanks a lot, Aussa.
    I can totally see you as Aria and Miss D. as Cersei.

    You are a goddess, this was fun and funny. As are all of your posts. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Remember what I said about not believing you were a brand new to blogging? That you were going to own the internetz soon? See? See?

    I mean, Hodor. HoDor. HODOR. Hodor. Hodor.
    😉
    xx, Christy

    Reply

    • Haha! Oh Christy, this comment is the best. Several awesome people got Hodor! And thanks about Freshly Pressed 🙂 It was a nice little surprise.

      PS! Random thoughts of you the other day while I was watching “Oblivion” because they have “Christina’s World” featured pretty prominently in the film, haha.

      Reply

    • Haha! I can relate to this “I’m usually funny but I’m tired” sentiment. This is often how I feel whilst reading other blogs. That or the “I’m usually insightful but its time to sleep” response.

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Reply

  144. During working hours it is difficult to find time though sometime if I occasion to have some I just switch off my mind altogether and attune to my Lord. It gives me a lot of peace and new things to write about. Silence really teaches us more than any activity done – that is the lesson I get.

    Reply

  148. Haha those are awesome! another few good ones, get lost in the Youtube vortex of cat videos and endlessly trawl facebook looking up people you used to know and seeing how their lives are going =P

    Reply

    • OH MAN, yes, the facebook one! I’m not on their too much now, except as it relates to blogging but this really is a maaaajor time waste! There are always those certain people you know you can check in on and be equal parts fascinated and horrified. Thanks for this juicy addition, Sarah!

      Reply

  149. I actually liked the LOST series and their finale! But at the same time, I do share in the dissapointment of never knowing why the statue only had four toes…. It still bothers me to this day!! But I still love the show to death!

    Reply

    • So funny– One of my really good friends, Peeves, also liked the season finale of LOST and we got in this whole big tiff about it! (of all things, I know…) I was in China and we were talking about it over Skype and I was finally like “No, we have to stop, I just can’t handle it….”
      But you’re right– I still love the show! I recently re-watched a lot of it while my boyfriend was watching it for the first time!

      Reply

  156. I love the scorpion and may try to make my own if I get a chance. We just moved offices, and I found 100’s of unused clips in old my desk contents alone. I once made a brilliant binder (& paper) clip man. He must be approaching his mid-twenties by now, and he still “lives.” If I manipulate a single clip, I can change his sex; he has had several of these operations, but primarily lives as a guy. Unfortunately I am much busier than I was when he was created, and don’t really get a chance to fight boredom. If I waste time, it just means I have to stay later at work 🙁 One thing about being busy is you don’t watch the clock at all. I also have a really nice river view from my cube for the next year if I need a short distraction… until we move back to 197 and I get an office back. If I need a break, I can watch the presidential helicopters take off and land in Anacostia or flight ops at DCA. Beats an office w/o a view any time.

    Reply

    • Dang, that certainly does sound like quite the view. The windows in my office are all foggy and they look out at either A: untrimmed shrubbery
      or
      B: a boarded up building

      Also! This quarter of a century old paper clip man is pretty damn impresive!

      Reply

  164. A good way to waste time at work? Read your blog! I mean that in a good way! I am really bored. I could figure out something to do but hey, I have a lot of those binder clips. Maybe I could make a scorpion.

    Reply

  165. I don’t watch it, but I got Arya Stark, who is apparently a teenager who outlived her family? Great. If my family suddenly dies, it will be Buzzfeed’s fault. (Also, I’ve read all your posts from here on so far. This probably isn’t healthy…)

    Reply

    • Hahaha! Not healthy but oh so much fun– at least for me, as I get all your notifications 🙂 You’re awesome!

      And Arya Stark is a little swordfighting tomboy badass who doesn’t even put her worst enemy out of his misery when he’s begging her to kill him and she has a sword in her hand.

      Fierce.

      Reply

      • It’s fun for me, too (but if I ever run out of posts to read, I may literally cry).

        YES! That just made me love my alter ego so much more! Thank you!! I may need to start watching this show…

        Reply

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  2. […] Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy – So I found this blog today under the Freshly Pressed section, the post I commented on was ideas on how to pass time at work on a Monday, some information I think we would all approve of, despite not being in work I am currently mastering the skill of procrastination and will definitely be putting some of these techniques to use over the next few weeks! […]

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