I’m generally a big nerd for fresh starts and goal setting—staying true to them is a whole other story. Everyone on the interwebs is inspiring me with their plans and ambitions for The New Year but there are only a few things in which I am truly confidant:
#1: I will probably not do anything about the mess of power chords beneath my desk:
I’m sure someone on Pinterest has a life-hacking solution to this horrifying situation, but I’m holding out for the inevitable invention of Wireless Everything. I really don’t understand how this has not happened yet. Surely I’m not the only one in a cursing fit every time my rolling chair gets stuck on them. On the upside, the housekeepers don’t even bother trying to vacuum near me so I’m able to sustain an entire colony of vermin with my errant donut sprinkles and cookie crumbs.
#2: I will probably not stop eating inappropriate amounts of unhealthy food:
As the proud owner of not one– but TWO gym memberships (damn you, 12 month contracts) I like to think that I can compensate for my cheezit and truffle addictions by adding a minute or two to my occasional workout. Regardless of whether I am successful, I know I’ll never be able to deny my addiction to…
#3: I will probably not wash my hair as often as I should:
The women (and long-haired men) who are reading need no further explanation, but to the rest—do you know how long it takes to shampoo and then dry an entire head of hair? In the same amount of time I can: Watch an entire episode of something on Netflix, try to reset a forgotten password so I can pay a bill, or pic-stitch my friend’s babies next to their celebrity look alikes.
#4: I will probably not stop slut-shaming:
Hear me—I really want to stop, I promise. I’d very much like to stand in solidarity with Tina Fey and support a woman’s right to dress like a hooker but I also know that I’ll probably be giving some girl a judgey side-glance by 12:08AM on January 1st.
It’s wrong, I know. But in a university town where leggings are frequently misjudged as pants, it is difficult to resist the urge. According to generously funded studies and scholarly articles this means I am insecure and feel threatened—While this may be true, what does it mean when I give judgey side-glances towards grotesque women who keep their cell phones in their bras and make huge messes at the movie theatre?
#5: I will probably not learn how to successfully put the bottom sheet on my bed:
I’m not even talking about the trauma of attempting to FOLD the thing—just the act of getting it on the bed is my personal Everest. Short of drawing on it with a sharpie, “Aussa—your head goes here” and adding arrows pointing to each corner, it will probably continue to take upwards of 3 attempts for me to properly make my bed.
But! There’s at least one thing I can guarantee will happen for 2014.
I will further humiliate myself for your entertainment:
Kindly turn your attention to my byline—“Some mistakes are too good not to share” and rest assured that I haven’t even gotten started. It’s only going to get worse. You’ll probably find yourself struggling with #4 above by the end of the first week.
I suppose I should leave you with at least ONE New Years Resolution… So I’ll try to keep it realistic.
I will publish a memoir, become an international bestseller and have the necessary funds to finance the creation of miniature giraffes and invent a solution to #1 mentioned above:
A few of you have asked whether I have/will try my hand at writing a book… I may regret admitting this, but…. yesssss. Fellow blogger and literary humanitarian Kingmidget took pity upon me and edited a manuscript that had been wasting away in the catacombs of my Macbook for over a year. Now that he’s been such an unbelievable help to me I feel obligated to give it one last round of edits + the old college try (which means lots of drinking, no doubt).
If/when I fail to keep this New Years Resolution, I will either:
1. Never speak of this again.
2. Become the Amanda Bynes of the blogging world, have a full-blown meltdown and start tweeting everyone about how I am richer than the Olsen Twins.
P.S. — Don’t forget to stop by A Clown on Fire and play his New Year’s Egg Hunt Game– I may be involved and I may have caught a mythical creature.
Do you have any New Years Resolutions for 2014? What is something you probably won’t accomplish? Is anyone else in the “please kill me” stages of writing a book or tackling some other big project?
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