I know it was silly of me to assume I had any measure of control over my life. You helped me realize this when you shattered my back window and stomped about my house while I was away. You weren’t there to enjoy my reaction when I came home, but it was just as you would expect: I called the police, tweeted about it, then went to Whole Foods. The Boyfran headed right over and we spent the rest of the night strategizing various booby trap options. I’ve watched “Goonies” about a gillion times so I hope you like really sharp sticks and flame throwers.
While you succeeded in mostly ruining my night, you also made the police very uncomfortable as they had to deal with my inappropriate jokes and attempts to stealthily photograph them using their fingerprint kit.
I’ve been wrestling with what to say to you, as my initial reaction was to walk up and down the street yelling “COME AT ME BRO, YOU CAN BE MY PRACTICE FOR THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.” But then I had a paradigm shift and began waxing philosophic about the meaninglessness of personal possessions. You very nearly launched me into a lifestyle of minimalism.
I suppose you have every right to make your own life choices. But please don’t be such an asshole about it, okay? A few tips:
#1: Don’t let the fucking dog out. Seriously? Latch the gate while you’re making your escape. You broke a double paned window and then opened it from the outside—when I can hardly figure out how to open it from the inside—but you couldn’t bother to shut the gate? Have some human decency.
#2: Don’t go through all the drama of breaking and entering, then not bother to steal something. It’s an absolute mind-f*ck. Don’t you understand the concept of insurance deductibles? It would have been a lot more fun to replace that window if it came with a slew of brand new Apple products.
#3: Don’t target houses in the middle of the day, across the street from elementary schools. Think of the children, it’s a bad influence. Also, just imagine if I’d been home and had the opportunity to destroy you– it’s not something the little ones need to experience.
#4: Don’t judge a book by its cover and don’t judge my house by my neglected garden and adorable patio furniture. I am not a normal person. Sure, I don’t have a TV for you to steal but I’ve watched Dexter on Netflix and DAMN if I wouldn’t like to get you on my table right now.
Honestly, you’ve undermined my sense of security. I can’t help asking myself how I could have prevented this. Maybe if I’d blown up full-sized versions of The Sword Pic and staged them at every window and entrance this never would have happened… But I know everything will be okay because the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was look up the song “Let it Go” from Frozen. I listened to it for the first time ever and it really helped me get a handle on my emotions.
Mostly I just hope you stepped on some of Zola’s shat while you were traipsing through the 12-inch jungle of uncut weeds in my backyard. I’ve smelled her toots and they are wretched and yes—I wish them upon you a thousand fold. I can’t pretend to understand your circumstances, but you need to understand that breaking a window doesn’t make you a badass. There’s an entire carousel of creepers competing for the role of biggest douchebag in my life and you don’t even rank.
Have you ever had a break-in? How do you tend to react in moments of chaos? What’s your favorite coping mechanism?
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