Hard to believe, but apparently this is my 100th post. 100 times I have hit “Publish” and felt that “oh my gosh… they’re going to think I’m a total weirdy” sort of feeling. 100 times I have hit “Publish” and then immediately seen a typo and been like “No, wait, go back! Flux capacitor, back!”
100 times I have wondered if anyone would bother to read and 100 times I’ve been overwhelmed by how insightful, witty, and hilarious all of you are. Still, I know there are a few of you lurking in the crowd who are here for much more sinister reasons– oh yes, I see you wolves in sheep’s clothing. Seriously, I can see why you’ve come here and it’s for the most peculiar and possibly illegal of pursuits.
How do I know this? Same way I know everything: Google.
Amazingly enough, all of these make perfect sense:
#5: “How To Stalk On Facebook” — I actually CAN give you practical tips with a side dose of judgement.
#4: “Naked Spy Pics” — Is this a thing, really? (sidenote: I google imaged this to see if there was anything funny. Um, no. It’s a bunch of naked people. My innocence is lost.)
#2: “Aussa Lorens” — You got me! Hopefully these aren’t future employers googling me?
#1: “Sexting Pics” — Hopefully this is because you were trying to decide if it’s a good idea to do this. Just know that everyone might see them.
“she writes about threesome participation” — You are right. I did do that.
“haunted psych ward” — Why yes, I work in one.
“got lost in the woods nearly died” — Yep, that happened.
“narcissist ex wont leave me alone” — I know. Me too.
“i am sad that i can not go spy kids 4” — That’s tough, but I understand. I also have only first world problems.
“why do gay people always stay fresh” — The world may never know the answer to this one.
“lurking ass bitches” — THEY ARE EVERYWHERE
“in the dark we can barely see the outline of a lion” — Downright insightful, that. I think I will steal it.
“hw will i knw a girl who will continue stocking me after i brokel up wilthlll her” — Put down the Xanax, then we can talk.
“aussa lorens laptop”
“aussa lorens address’
“aussa lorens hospital”
“aussa lorens family”
“hairy ball bag” — to my knowledge, I have not written on this topic. Yet.
“hooker. oakland. girls. peins. san. francisco. hooker” — Lots of PEINS in San Francisco I guess.
“very pain!!no.aaaaa myass dog” — Kanye West song lyrics maybe?
“the ass broken” — No.
“british hooker peed on“ — For the love, NO.
“how to know if your top gay guy is the one” — You know he’s your “top gay guy” but not whether he’s “the one?”
As if that weren’t bad enough, there are 10,762 “unknown” search terms. Google doesn’t even want to keep track of the creepy things you’ve been doing late at night on the internet.
I’d like to dedicate this post to all the trolls who’ve blessed me with their personal opinions over the last 100 posts– I’m sorry that I look like “an anorexic crackhead with bulbous eyes.” I’m sorry that you think I have first world problems and I appreciate your conspiracy theories that my writing and face do not match up. I’m sorry that I’m so bad at checking my email that I tend to not get your messages until it’s way too late for my jokes to be funny. I’ll try and do better.
What’s the most appalling search engine term that’s sent people to your blog? What creepy things have YOU googled? Have you dealt with any trolls?
Want to keep in touch? Find me on Facebook.