It’s always good to have things in common with your friends and on more than one occasion that “thing” has been the enduring presence of shitty men in our lives. I’m no stranger to abusive relationships or cheating asshats, but it’s a whole other thing to see someone doing this to one of my friends. Nope, not okay, here comes Street Aussa.
Last year, my friend Carly celebrated her one year anniversary with Scott, the worthless bartender she’d lost her virginity to. They say Love is Blind but I’m inclined to think her Love must have been drunk when it landed on him as a suitable mate. She single-handedly acquired a million dollar research grant on something I can’t even spell and is well on her way to making the cover of TIME magazine but here she is, dating a guy who can’t manage to make a car payment without hitting her up.
Shortly after their first anniversary, Scott went on a camping trip with his guy friends. It involved roadtripping to one of those states I can’t find on a map– Ohio maybe. He warned her in advance that he wouldn’t have reliable cell service for about a week. She smiled and packed him snacks like a proper girlfriend then immediately sent me a text.
“Oh my God, he’s going to cheat on me.”
“What?” I replied, “Why would you even think that?”
She responded with a link to his ex girlfriend’s facebook profile.
“She’s prettier than me, isn’t she.”
“Of course not, you’re a goddess.”
As promised, Scott was difficult to get ahold of for the next couple days. He’d send a brief text every 20 hours or so but that was it. Carly became so desperate by the second night that she began calling over and over again. After several tries, he finally answered but just whispered something about how the other guys were sleeping so he couldn’t talk. The next day she was a wreck.
“I’ve been texting him all day, he hasn’t replied since last night. I’m going to drive to Ohio.”
It was time for an intervention. I asked for his number and she paused in her meltdown just long enough to forward it to me. I cracked my knuckles, typed his number, and hit him with my best shot:
“Heeyyy” I texted.
It was about 7PM, he was probably building a campfire, far from any cell phone coverage, there was no way–
“Hey,” he replied.
“What’ve you been up to?” I texted, Anything fun?” *winky face*
“Not much, mostly working. Playing Call of Duty right now LOL. You?”
“Just trying to stay out of trouble…” *winky face*
This went on for a few minutes until he finally ‘fessed up to the fact he had no idea who he was texting.
“OMG!” I said, “This is Kara, did you delete my number?!”
“Nah, I got a new phone and lost all my contacts.”
We kept texting as I periodically updated Carly, who was now having a nervous breakdown.
“Do you think he just doesn’t want to talk to me while he’s away? Why would he answer some random girl and not me?”
I couldn’t answer these questions, but one thing was for sure– his cell phone reception was perfectly fine and apparently there’s campsite Call of Duty?
“So….” I said, upping the ante, “Wanna grab a drink?”
I wanted to see if he would decline on account of having a girlfriend.
So much for Ohio. I consulted Carly, who suggested a bar near her house. I forwarded the details to Scott and he said he’d see me–“Kara”— in half an hour.
“Oh my God,” Carly said, “He must know. He knows we’re messing with him and he’s trying to call our bluff.”
Carly drove to the bar, just to be sure. His jeep was in the parking lot, confirming that he was a lying sack of shite. It was time to go for the kill.
“Where you at?” he texted.
“I’m just pulling in,” I said. “But wait, I don’t see your car, you still drive that huge black truck?”
“LOL I’ve never had a truck, just my jeep.”
“… wait. Who is this? Jeremy????”
“LOL no, this is Scott. The Bartender at O’Keefes.”
“OMG I thought this was my coworker Jeremy….”
“That’s funny. You should still come in and let me buy you a drink.”
Even now, he still wanted to meet up with this phantom texter.
“No, I’m too embarrassed…”
“You’re cute. Let me buy you a drink to make up for it. This will make a great story and we can get into some trouble.” *winky face*
I forwarded his message to Carly, demanding that she storm in there and throw a drink in his face, Hollywood style. She responded with a photo of her unbuckled seatbelt and foot out the car door.
“Well if you change your mind, come see me at work. I’m the bartender with all the tats. I’ll buy you that drink.”
“Maybe I will… One other thing….”
Have you ever caught someone who was not where they were supposed to be? Do you get involved when your friends are in shite relationships? Is “ALL” fair in Love and War/Defending your friends?
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