Shleisel and I lasted nine months in the squalor of The Hovel. Following the Mail-Order-Bride’s instructions, we paid our rent in cash at a local dry cleaner, where a deaf clerk would write out a receipt on torn spiral notebook paper. Other than that, Simomo left us alone—we were free to make The Hovel our own. We christened it with a thrown away couch whose floral pattern was so ugly we had to cover it with a brown bedsheet/toga left there by a British guy on a Rugby scholarship. We didn’t have a table—or any place to put one—so we created a hovering table that could be lowered from the ceiling through a system of pulleys. It was the most extensively planned project of my entire college career.
Moving into The Hovel was like pulling at a loose string—the longer we stayed within those 600 square feet of endless doors and bad wiring, the more everything began to unravel. Shleisel quickly dumped her boyfriend of two years, deciding he was “too normal” and preventing her from truly embracing her life. We were consumed with this concept—blaming most of the frenzy on The Hovel itself, which had become something of a character in our lives, with its own motivations and agenda.
There was no problem in our lives that could not be fixed merely by avoiding it. When we came to realize The Hovel was infested with mice, we laid humane mousetraps full of feta and escaped to NYC. We grew bored with the monotony of undergrad and decided to up the ante by disappearing to Guatemala for a week and a half. When I began to suspect the guy I’d been sort of dating was sort of cheating on me, I didn’t confront him—I just waited for Shleisel to get home after her waitressing shift.
“Let’s drive to the ocean. It’s only 6 hours, we can be there by dawn.”
We bought air mattresses and slept on the beach, drinking from the bottle and not talking about the fact I’d gotten so deep into something I’d eventually have to leave the country to escape it.
Real problems couldn’t exist so long as The Hovel was keeping us distracted with its adorable peculiarities. When our toilets backed up, we dismissed indoor plumbing as an unnecessary extravagance and embraced an outhouse approach, utilizing the facilities at all three Walgreens within 2 miles. We gave new meaning to the whole “girls go to the bathroom together” phenomenon because it was now a matter of carpooling and gas efficiency.
There was no reason not to live like this—it was working. When winter hit, we hunkered down like survivalists. After the oven gas-leak fiasco, we opted not to use the gas furnaces throughout the house and bought $17 space heaters instead. Using pashminas, we plugged every crack and hole to section our bedrooms off from the rest of the house. When a blizzard hit on Christmas Eve, we were buried in 4 foot snow drifts. We sat cross legged in front of our space heaters, mixing equal parts tequila and orange juice, toasting “Happy Hoveldays!” and “Have a Hovel Jolly Christmas!” We didn’t need family or tradition or gifts so long as we could open the back door and set the OJ directly into a wall of snow and ice.
For nine months, this was our life. We dabbled in self-indulgence and moral gluttony to such an extent that it was no longer enough. The Hovel was still our liberator, but we’d outgrown it and in a spur of the moment decision, we packed our things and disappeared without a word. We had to stop running from everything and find something to chase after. We thought we were clever to have hidden in plain sight, but Reality was just biding its time, tracking our moves. We closed the door on The Hovel, and there it was, waiting to pounce.
Have you ever made a (seemingly) small decision that changed your entire life? What’s the shadiest thing you’ve ever gotten away with? Do you have a favorite “escape” from reality?
Want to keep in touch? Drop your email below and I'll send you FULL POSTS anytime I write something new. Only want to know book news? Get on the list here.
OMG. You’re ridiculous. And I love you for it.
Hahahaha thank you, my friend! I think I recently saw a photo of you inside of a cardboard box so if you’re calling me ridiculous then it must really mean something 😉
Who? Me? Nobody puts me in a cardboard box!
Oh.
Wait.
I totally put myself in there and it was the best day ever.
So obviously, I have high standards of ridiculous. Welcome to the Cool Kids’ Club.
I suppose anyone reading this can never complain about their home again, can they? Madam Aussa strikes a devastating blow against self-pitying interior decorators everywhere! Boo, hoo, I have to settle for Ikea.
Ha– love that you bring up interior decorating. I remember one of my high school friends at the time had just started a blog all about how she spent every last penny/bit of credit she could charge up on fixing her home up to look all catalog-ready. My how we had gone our separate ways…
And Ikea is magic, Nav.
If there is a hell, it involves assembling Ikea furniture for the rest of eternity. Either that, or being “helped” by feminist social workers for the rest of eternity.
Either way, I’ll be good. Promise.
Um…IKEA is USUALLY magic:
http://outlierbabe.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/seriously-ikea/
Your Hovel series is my favorite so far. Simomo vould be prroud.
Aw, really?! Yay. I felt maybe it was losing steam. It’s about to get better (worse, actually?) I promise. Ha.
No…I love this 🙂 we have all lived in a Hovel at some point
Literally, metaphorically, and… spiritually.
*strokes beard*
I love it when you stroke your beard…mmwhahahaaaaa
Love the hovel……you guys were so brave!
Ah, so often willful stupidity is mistaken for bravery! But I’ll take it, Michelle 😉
I love the table lowered from the ceiling, you should market that! That Christmas even sounds like fun too. Can’t want for the next instalment 🙂
It’s so weird, that Christmas… I have so much to write about it. It was so depressingly wonderful. If I ever share my Ambien video, it references “last Christmas I got drunk and watched Brokeback mountain…” and on and on.
That hovering table is fantastic. Do you still have the blueprints? You should patent that shit.
Seriously. I mean– we pulled out all the stops and did things I never thought I was capable of:
1. Basic math calculations
2. Buying hardware
3. Drilling holes into wood
4. Using duct tape and rope for something not illegal
You are MacGyver, reincarnate.
What Nancy said. The hovering table is so bad-ass, I can hardly see straight.
How many drinks did you spill after setting them on there, and then hip checking it?
Please say a lot. Please say hundredssssss.
Never! We were just that skilled. Actually… we mostly sat on the floor and ate at it hanging just a couple feet off the ground. It was a very spiritual sort of dining experience when we laid out the queso and dipped our pizza in it.
I just want to say that you’ve had the most amazing and unusual life of anyone I’ve met Aussa. Carry On!
Haha thank you Paul! I try 🙂 Or actually I don’t try, it just sort of happens that way.
The decision came in 1968, when I was 7. I felt that I had to decide between two major forces in my young life, each vying for my allegiance: Walter Cronkite reporting (mostly the Viet Nam war and riots in big cities) on the evening news, and the music of the Beatles that was blaring out of my brother’s room off of the garage. I went with the Beatles, and that answers question #3 also, I suppose.
Gah, what a choice! Hmmm… I feel like we could “Sliding Doors” this scenario and trace the various paths your life might have gone if you’d chosen to immerse yourself in one or the other… I’m glad you went with The Beatles, for the record.
You are exactly my kinda guy Doug….. same age too!
If IKEA hasn’t figured out that hovering table, no one will. Well, except you and Shleisel. (<<I had to go back and look at that name 3x to spell it right). I find myself with a fierce desire to sleep on the beach.
I love this series!! Can't wait for the next (last?) part….oh please don't let it be over yet.
dammit I forgot to answer your questions. Yes. I’ve made several life changing decisions. One was leaving the idiot I lived with in the sexy garage apartment. Life changer. The second? Breaking my rule of “no phone numbers to guys in bars”. He’s the hubs now. 🙂
Beth! When are you going to blog that story, I need the full gamut of deets (that sounds dirty maybe?). And I love rule-breaking stories that end in matrimony!
Sleeping on the beach is so amazing! Except for when you wake up and realize the tide is higher than you left it and/or little crabs start running everywhere because it’s dark outside. But other than that– magic! Even for this afraid-of-water-girl.
I’m glad you’re enjoying these posts, Beth. Nope there will be a few more…
“…not talking about the fact I’d gotten so deep into something I’d eventually have to leave the country to escape it.” Is this referring to the Psycho Ex? My memory is so bad! I feel like I’ve got the timeline all messed up. Now I’m rubbing my hands together gleefully, imaging that you are actually referring to that time you accidentally became a drug mule for your super hot lesbian lover…wait. Shit. That’s Orange is the New Black. Anyway, tell us more!
No it’s not your brain, I’m kind of spastically writing about all sorts of time periods in my life and I am SO doing them out of order. Should’ve planned better I suppose, but where’s the fun in that?! This is actually all PRE-Psycho Ex, if you can imagine that. Didn’t I already mention that I make a lot of bad choices? Ha…
And ohmagosh– OITNB needs to come back, stat!
So what you’re saying is there is a *possibility* of drug running, a mob hit on you for breaking up a lucrative puppy mill, or some other wild shit I can’t even think of? Don’t answer that, I know there is, cause crazy just loves you.
I CANNOT wait for OITNB. Cannot. Wait.
I also have problems pinning down what happened when — but I think it’s because Aussa is an old soul, so I start thinking she has lived this long, long life (because she has had so many adventures and experiences) and then I realize that she is young enough to be my daughter and all of these adventures have been crammed into just a few short years — and that blows my mind. However, for those of us who are easily confused, Aussa, you should think about creating a time-line graph that we can refer to from time to time 🙂
Ha! I read this comment last night and made a note in my phone to toy with this idea of a timeline graph! How funny. I freaking love graphs and timelines and charts though, so don’t be surprised…..
And I think you’re probably right about me being an old soul. Even though I still behave like I’m 12 half the time. It’s a toss up.
1. Have you ever made a (seemingly) small decision that changed your entire life? You mean like spur of the moment hitchhiking through Ireland, meeting the owner of a pub, and moving in with him for way longer than can be explained by the (relatively weak) Irish beer? Don’t be silly. I would never do that. Oh, wait…
2. What’s the shadiest thing you’ve ever gotten away with? Back in highschool my best friend and I were up in the redwoods near Santa Cruz. We met a group of guys who invited us to sit inside a hollowed out tree and have a few not-cigarettes. About the time things were at the giggle stage, a park ranger came along. He told us that our smoke would kill the redwood unless we got out and started beating the bark to get the sap running again. We beat that tree like champions. That ranger is probably still wetting his pants laughing…
3. Do you have a favorite “escape” from reality? Your blog.
Oh you’re full of all kinds of surprises, wow. Haha! I like the not-cigarettes and the ranger, that is hilarious! Hahahahahaha those redwoods have survived hundreds maybe thousands of years and you guys have to resuscitate one with a beating. I wish I could have seen that! I’m going to put that one away in my bag of tricks… it would need to be modified, sure, but I like his angle…
I used my hubby’s pee to pass a drug test.
*Gasp*
So scandalous, I cannot condone of course… But still… *boss nod*
Thank you…the hardest part was keeping it warm. 🙂
Outrageous! I LOVE IT!
Shortly after Princess was born, jak lost his job. So we moved to our current city and lived, for a while, in the home of one of jak’s friends. Our family lived in one room of this person’s home and they occasionally watched Princess for us while we were out trying to find a way to support our family. I think the shadiest moment I ever had was when I kissed Mr. P in the laundry room. I was keen for my parents to not find out. As for my favorite escape from reality: books. The answer is books.
Ugh I can’t imagine how stressful that would be, to lose your job at a time like that. Yikes. Hopefully looking back on it can shed some insight into the way that life does manage to go on regardless. And I’m glad that they gave you a place to stay and some help! That can make all the difference in a life.
Books are the world’s oldest escape from reality, for good reason. Or, well, stories I suppose.
OMG, the Hovel is a living breathing thing. I’m so mad right now ’cause you’re totally leaving me hanging. How long til we find out what the “reality” was that was” waiting to pounce?” I’m so not a patient person! I need instant gratification and now I have to wait, what? A week? Two?
Life changing decision: going on a first date with my man even though I was less than 48 hours out of a relationship. Shadiest thing I’ve ever gotten away with: I can’t tell you here. In public. But you and Samara and I can discuss it over a bottle of wine. (I mentioned it to her in the comments section of one of her posts). Let’s just say that there was a SWAT team involved and I narrowly escaped a “life changing” stay in a government owned facility. My escape: a good pour of bourbon and Game of Thrones. Just finished Season 3.
It was most definitely still alive! I even drive by it every few months, just to be sure it’s still there.
**SPOILER ALERT: This is one of the few homes I’ve lived in that didn’t burn down. Yet.
And! You’ll only have to wait until Sunday 😀 That’s when I’ve been posting this series but I delayed this weekend because of the holiday. So reality arrives this Sunday!
And okay I love that you ended up with your husband even though he was a “rebound” sounding situation and the sort of things that friends caution against. It was much the same with The Boyfran– I think it may have been like 3 days after the most epic breakup ever with the most epically effed up man child ever. Ah– future blog post there.
And shadiest thing is non-public-confession? Oooooo I’m intrigued! Make that 2 bottles of wine and I’m in!!!
How do you sort of cheat on someone?
Haha I love that this is the one thing you pick out from that whole post– I may just have to keep you.
It’s a good question……. that whole relationship (if we shall call it that) was grounded in “sort of.” More on that later.
I don’t say this often, but…LOL.
Loving this storyline. 🙂
Have you ever made a (seemingly) small decision that changed your entire life? Yes, the one that comes to mind is joining a myspace group back in 2011, those people changed and saved my life. Sounds dramatic but it’s the honest truth.
What’s the shadiest thing you’ve ever gotten away with? If I told you that I’d have to kill you plus I’d no longer be able to say I’d gotten away with it. 😀
Do you have a favorite “escape” from reality? Books are a great escape and stupid tv. Immersing myself in a book or a ridiculous movie that doesn’t make me think or have anything to do with the world today is my current escape.
Scuse me, it was 2005 not 2011…wow, what a typo
Ha! It happens. Numbers, schnumbers.
Thanks Diana! And I don’t think it sounds dramatic at all. I very much believe in the huge lasting impact of even the most seemingly slight decisions.
And you’re very right about not being able to get away with it if you confess it here– dangit! Loophole. Grrr.
Books are definitely a worthy escape. Though I’ll readily admit to a tendency to opt for a huge Netflix binge if something truly devastating has occurred. Sometimes you just need to watch zombies getting slashed to bits in order to deal with your own complex personal issues.
Zombies are the ultimate escape!
‘We had to stop running from everything and find something to chase after’ – Been there!
The hovering table – Wow. Not been there. A feat of engineering I could never hope to emulate :p
I am going to have to begin manufacturing them– Hovering Hovel Tables. I’ll get one in the mail to you ASAP! Once you know where I should send it 😉
Oh wow, where do I begin? I love reading your stories. You did some stupid/awesome stuff girl. LOL I mean that in the nicest way. I have made many small decisions that impacted my life big time. I have a tendency to do that. Even now.
The shadiest thing I’ve gotten away with? Had an affair with a married man. Use to hang out with mafia families in Milwaukee and Chicago when I was a teen. LOL now that was interesting.
Favorite escape? books and music.
Mafia families? Day-um Jackie you’ve got me beat there! You should write some of THOSE stories…… unless they’re still keeping tabs on you, in which case you give me their names and I’ll have my guy take care of it. Kapeesh?
No they aren’t looking for me, they were family of a girlfriend of mine. We used to hang out with them all the time….they were actually very courtly men. We didn’t see many of the women. We were just teenagers…but one day maybe I will tell some of the stories….
Yes, you must!
you had me at the hovering hovel table.
I love that you called it that– I have no idea how I never came up with that on my own, but I will be stealing it. The patent application is in. Don’t worry, I’ll cut you in on the mega millions of profits.
One, the hovering table it badass. Two, I think everyone needs a “hovel.” A little escapism could be good for the soul…or blog.
I have to agree with you, despite what comes next. Life is a series of running away and then chasing after things…. I think it’s all going to even out so long as we don’t just surrender and stop moving at all.
That last line should be on one of those motivational posters 😀
Don’t scoff at making a physical place a living, breathing being. I’ve long held that my most successful personal relationship ever has been with New York. My wife is as lovely as a slice of apple pie in July but New York can never be replaced. MC + NYC = TLA.
I wish I knew how to say “Shleisel” without butchering her name. Can you provide a pronunciation guide?
Haha wait– what does TLA stand for? My brain desperately tries to read that as an airport code.
TLA: True Love Attack!
TLA: Tired Living Alone
TLA: Too Long Apparatus
TLA: Trust Lorens, Aussa
And– Shleisel. Rhymes with Weasel. Or think of the oldest daughter in Sound of Music, like you’re telling her to be quiet: “Shhh Leisel!”
TRUE.
LOVE.
ALWAYS.
Although, I like guess #4 better than the actual answer. Where do you get that stuff from?
That’s her last name, right? That’s not her first name is it?
Heh heh it’s actually a weird deviation of her first name. There’s a video somewhere on my computer where Angelle interrupts me and is like “wait, are these real people names?” To me, the answer is yes– because that’s what I call them, that’s how I introduce her. But technically it looks different on her birth certificate…. but to me, it’s her name. I give everyone new names. Maybe it’s some weird God complex of mine. Or maybe not.
waw like
🙂
http://eenendangsarielmuhyiblog.wordpress.com/2014/05/28/tutorial-hijab-formal-ala-dian-pelangi/
The Walgreens bathrooms carpool. That’s amazing. I admire your persistence of avoidance.
We were very committed. Our male visitors on the other hand? They weren’t up for the trek and would just join the dogs in the backyard. I’m a classy woman, through and through.
Lol I’ve definitely pissed in the back yard when my toilets flooded. We have the ultimate class
I read things like this and a warm feeling passes over my existence, like “I have found my people.”
I know that feel. It’s good company here.
Living in the Hovel is one of those things you can only do when you’re young and stupid. If you’d thought about any of the potential calamities, you’d probably both be dead.
My life-changing decision? Agreeing to adopt a psychotic German Shepherd puppy who wanted to kill me. The second one was giving him beer. He saved my life and will be the subject of my best-selling memoir. When I finish it …
Ah yes, I remember this dog and his life saving abilities! I also remember you giving him beer. It made me feel much better about giving Snavs the China dog a beer of it as well…. Gosh, I love people who make me feel better about my questionable choices.
Now get to writing, I want to buy that memoir!
I want a hovering table! Hopefully not in a hovel. So glad you didn’t die in a tragic hovel house fire, because I thought that was how this story would end (except that, obviously, you’re still alive… or are you? Is this going to be a zombie confession?)
Honestly, that’s also how I thought this story would end. The fact it never burned down is truly a testament to it’s magic. Though I really wouldn’t put a zombie confession outside the realm of possibility… perhaps it’s like The Sixth Sense and I won’t know I’m a zombie until the end of this series.
You’re hovering table has given me inspiration to try to make a “hover-cat” – so I can lower him into the room when I want to and put him away when I don’t feel like having cat fur rubbed all over my face. Brilliant!
I retreat into books and games. I think I could become happily agoraphobic. Except my friends won’t let me. Damn that social life. But the tequila is good.
That’s perfect! After you master this hover-cat we should look into making hover-children as well! Then you can just use a pulley to remove them when they get sticky fingers or strange smells.
And it’s good that you have friends who won’t let you become a total recluse– I’d be lost if it weren’t for those select people in my life!
Hahaha! Omg. With the kids you could even install a pulley system to swoosh them into the bathroom and dump them in the bath. And then I could ring my dainty bell for husband/wife to go clean said dirty child. Yes. Perfect.
I’m glad you have those people too 🙂
Honestly, if it wasn’t for the Shleisel’s in our lives we’d never have made out the other side. You’re an awesome combination, do you guys still get to hang out? Vive la freedom, bring on the next bit.
Oh yes, we definitely still hang out! She lives in a frightening suburb now but we still get together on occasion! More on that later, ha.
I think I’m going to turn my garage into a hovel complete with a hover table. But how will I keep my family out?
A small decision that changed my life forever: I decided to quit trying to have a baby, and two months later I got pregnant. That’s pretty much life changing.
I can’t tell you the shadyist thing I’ve gotten away with. *whispers* they’re watching/listening.
If you figure out how to keep your family out, let me know… because I’d like to have this rock solid “hideaway” plan in place before I ever make babies.
And it’s interesting how many people stop “trying” and end up knocked up! I have a few friends who went through the lengthy adoption process, got a kid, and >BOOM< preggers. Life's fun like that.
You have to come to BlogHer so we can share secrets…………
I have to come to BlogHer. I’m working on it. Secret sharing with Aussa…I’m in.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Love the table 🙂 A small decision that changed my life? While in the military stationed in Kansas I got my car stuck in the snow after too much tequila (was at a Mexican dance) and when I got back to base I gave my car away and put in or a transfer to Panama. I spent three years there and if there is anything that will change your life is living in the jungle for weeks at a time. I’m still afraid of snakes to this date. My escape from reality is my favorite Xbox video game in which I get to kill zombies by the hundreds. I think shooting zombies can be the most therapeutic think I ever done!
A Mexican dance in the snow, you realize you’re speaking directly to my interests, right? If there must be snow then at least let there be tequila and dancing.
I love that you spontaneously relocated to the jungle! Snakes = eeeesh. No gracias.
And! I agree about shooting zombies! That’s what’s so appealing about that whole scenario, such a release 😉
My college room mate and I’s experience was very similar – road trip and freezing house of hell.
But damn did we have fun.
It’s so interesting that while the feeling of “fun” never changes, it’s definition certainly does!
I love that your hovel had a personality. Old houses are like that!
Going to a Brewer Game in Milwaukee changed my life. My husband Danny came to Madison, WI that weekend from Colorado and went along with our families. A few months later, we were married!
I love hearing stories of how people met! It’s so strange how those decisions throw our life onto a completely different trajectory….. I love to think of the big mess of it all, even if it does wound this tiny little brain of mine.
I just added a floating table to my bucket list. Thanks, Aussa!
Excellent! I can’t wait to see photos, Mark!
I need to find a suitable hovel first, though, Aussa, and then strong fishing line, magic table top …
Wow, I wouldn’t have been able to do you. Such experiences are character building though 😉
That’s what I try and tell myself… Ha. Thanks Holly!
Still damp from laughing, I shared a cabin one summer, about the size of a school bus with 5 girls, it had one light switch everyone griped about having to turn off, then grope back to bed in pitch-toe stubbing dark. I rigged a string and pulley system from the switch to cords hanging above each bunk with scotch tape and nails- no more bickering. Travelling is about taking risks, there come the best adventures. Shady, oh so many stories lawns wither and brown in my passing..love The Hovel. Thanks.
Oh my gosh, I love it. Improvised string and pulley systems are where it’s at and I love that something like stumbling two feet in the dark is enough to inspire such an innovation. “Lawns whither and brown in my passing,” I love it.
The table lowered from the ceiling is the best idea I’ve heard this year! Genius.
That dangling table is the perfect way to sum up that time in my life…. absurd and ridiculous and over the top and yet somehow incredibly necessary.
No…..I haven’t. Yet. 😉
The ominous “yet,” I love it.
😉 Best part of my comment eh?
Wow, Aussa. I’m torn between amazement and sadness because I’m blown away by the things you endured and created (hello hovering table) and also sad that you both were trying so hard to escape those things that can’t be escaped. I, definitely looking forward to the rest.
As for your questions, marrying my ex was probably the biggest spur of the moments decision I made that I knew I shouldn’t be making. It changed my life forever because 6 months after that, we moved to Germany where my marriage went to shit, I saw so much more of the world, got my masters and met my soul mate. One. Decision.
Crazy isn’t it? It’s so weird to trace the good things in your life back down a line of shit times and questionable choices. C’est la vie, I suppose. Makes it much easier to face the next shit time though, that’s for sure.
I’ve no idea which of your questions this reply fits into. You can choose.
I got married. Once. On the morning of my wedding day.
But let me set the scene first. I was now living in a 17th century Scottish Blackhouse. Sheltering on the lee side of a south facing hill (not quite a Munro) its 3 foot thick stone walls slowly exhailed the winter rains of many a wet year, cold and damp into every room. The equally ancient and cranky pumbling of my toilet was prone to spasmodic interruptions of flow into a long forgotten cess pit.
On the morning of my wedding day, with portents of the greatness of future events, the cranky crapper croaked. Dressed in my finest I weighed the risks and benefits of a house with no toilet, soon to be a wedding reception venue, albeit relatively small. I got the drain rods and went in search of the small stone cover, that my 85 year old neighbour had previously told me of many times before, granted access to the pipes. One hour later found me pushing a bending rod hard against a resistant blockage. Hot frustration and impatience fueled my anger as I shoved ever harder on the rods, which were now acting more like a 20 foot coiled spring. Something had to give and it wasn’t going to be me! The release when it happened was sudden and violent. Those few micro seconds of joy were quickly replaced by the sickening sound of cess and shit falling down through the trees, raining in various shaped and sized pieces, in a brown stinking mist upon my head as the column of blocked detritus collapsed scumbing to the effects of gravity. Shit happens as they say.
Several things:
1. Your description of the house is pretty much how I picture everyone in England living. I’m very ignorant and it’s great fun.
2. I love the imagery of shit raining down upon you on your wedding day. Dark humor at it’s finest, and I applaud you.
3. “Spasmodic”, “cess”, “detrius”…. be still my beating heart.
But we do all live in damp asthmatically melancholic houses over here, sitting with our shaggy dog stories, smiling laconically at the world through crooked teeth with dark ironic self deprecating humour. Well maybe lol
Hahaha you slay me.
I hope in a nice way, or I’ll be the prey for half of WordPress
“Do you have a favorite “escape” from reality?”
Alcohol.
Ah yes, that’s a common one. I try to only escape that way in moderation…
Well, it’s not an every day escape, but it’s a cheap one…
This one’s pretty deep. It could be a chapter in a psych book. Making the best of a bad situation by declaring that it’s not in fact bad.
Right? And/or a chapter on spoiled humans who find it exotic and thrilling to delve into the seedier experiences of life as though they’re tourists.
It is a luxury being able to check out of the experience when you tire of it. Chauffeur! (snapping fingers). Take me to the closest Abercrombie tout suite!
Isn’t it crazy that no matter what how different we can be or how good or bad our circumstances are, we all have a Hovel we can relate back too.
I know. The concept seems to be a pretty “human” one… I love blogging for this very reason– so many of us relate to the same basic experiences even though our lives and trajectories are vastly different.
“Not so Small decision” Went on my first girls only cruise back in April 2007 with my baby sister. Never once did anything like that prior. Partied my ass off I had to detox when I came home. It was that night after arriving back I looked at my life and said what’s wrong with me? I had just got back from having the time of my life, I have beautiful kids, a house, good hubby, yet I am empty.
Flash forward thru a week of binging, purging, and exercising to numb the above feelings away, I was soon hospitalized for heart issues due to my 20 eating disorder. Enter treatment.
Who knew a damn drinking ghetto carnival cruise (it was a junky boat that I think had been reported dying in the middle of the ocean last year ) would have lit the match to the road of recovery I have been on since. Never before that did I realize … I just did without thinking. I just was. Now I realize that little decision to “have fun”
(Cont) to “have fun” was my real me screaming to be real and truly live.
Love your blog Aussa. I followed you on a Instagram as well. Not a creeper, really!
Wow. Chantel that’s one hell of a way to hit rock bottom and then rise up out of it. Isn’t it weird how you can sort of coast through a really bad time without realizing what you’re going through until this one particular moment comes along and lays it all out for you in a way you can’t look away from? Gah, I have so much to say about this.
I’m so glad to hear you’re in Recovery. That is huge.
And instagram, huzzah! I don’t know why it took me so long to be on there… it’s the most addictive thing to scroll through, in my ever so humble opinion.
I know this isn’t the correct post, so I won’t go into the hovel I lived in here. (it was BAD. I made the ex cover the basement door with paneling, and there was something BIG, really BIG, that periodically chewed on the under side of the kitchen floor) But sadly, the place I call home now is probably not a whole lot above “hovel”. but it is home.
I don’t like to make decisions, so no, I have not made a decision that has changed my life. Unless of course, you consider indecision a decision. Then yeah. But I am hardpressed at the moment to come up with something. Ditto for something shady. I am pretty sure I have, but I will have to get back to you with the details.
Reality escape? beer. tv. books. but beer usually wins. I don’t like beer and books together. I have to reread. ha. pretty much the same with tv and beer. Darn beer.
🙂 You have a gift Aussa. I never would have been able to make a functional hovel hover table. Never.
There was a beast eating it’s way out of the basement of your hovel? Good God, Julie! That deserves further exploration, I think…. did you sleep with a machete?
So funny about books and beer– it’s so true. I can’t drink anything and read– or write! I mean… maybe one glass of wine. But if it’s any more than that then I’m sure to leave pages of very strange dribble that I’ll shamefully delete the next day.
Yes. Beast in the basement. and it didn’t care if I stomped on the floor right over where it was chewing. You would think that would scare it away but nope. I used to be so worried about it making it’s way thru and coming in to find it trapsing about the hovel. We had a pretty big doberman at the time, he made me feel pretty secure. There was also a barn, or half a barn at least, kinda leaning over in the back, next to (what appeared to be) very old headstones. Used to listen to things run up one wall, across the ceiling, and down the other wall, find dog food in the oven, or in dresser drawers.
Just not meant to multi-task when it comes to beer. Unless you gonna smoke or do shots. ;P
That sounds so wild… wow. And the headstones?! Let me at ’em! That’s kinda my thing, ya know.
The day we moved out there was a guy at the door telling us it had been condemned and was scheduled to be torn down. so yeah. hovel was probably overestimating the place..
Wow, just wow.
Please don’t make me tell you the shadiest thing I’ve ever gotten away with. I’d have to kill you. That would suck.
I adore hovels, and all that transpires within! Some of my happiest times were spent in hovels.
It might e worth it. I’ve lived a few lives… I think I still have some in reserve though. I’d come back for that.
It’s weird how happiness is often not an isolated thing that can be appreciated on it’s own…. it tends to get all mucked up and mired in other things that are impossible to separate from it. I suppose that’s good though.
This could be my daughter’s current hovel. The one she has chosen to leave. Sigh. I had the absolute pleasure of being assigned bathroom cleansing as my job on move in day. No amount of industrial strength cleanser could remove the heavenly stains from the bathtub. Nope – not even wondrous oxy clean. It was with such delight that I turned on the tap to rinse away the useless bathload bubblefest only to be treated to a full on blast of freezing rustier than rusty water. Why? I’d neglected to note the faucet had been removed and replaced with a plastic tube (think extremely long straw) that ran from the faucetless hole to a jerry rigged hook a good six feet above my head. No shower curtain. No rod for a shower curtain. What with the water tube and the acute mold issue said bathtub was deemed the perfect storage unit for the girls’ umpteen suitcases. What bathroom became the one of choice? The student gym – a mere five minute walk away.
Haha! Oh, your daughter is right after my own heart! I love it. No showering in the house when you can have a hot one just five minutes away. WOW. That’s incredible. And this reminds me– I totally forgot to include that we took cold showers in that place! It was sooooo miserable in the winter but we took it like soldiers. I remember skyping with my friend Sars whilst shaving my legs out of a bowl because I couldn’t suffer to do so in the shower. Ah– just know that your daughter was building character 😉
Escape from reality? I haven’t even visited the place yet…
You’re still running, don’t look back!
I never look back… or forward… or to the side… just up and down… HA!
Such a brilliant story teller and such a brave woman… I think I woulda been fine in the hovel… they had lattes right???
Oh hell yes there were lattes. Down the street, on the other side of the train tracks but definitely within walking distance. And we could afford lattes with all the money we saved by no longer needing to buy toilet paper.
Okay it’s definitely worse than Mordor now. I am always on the receiving end of other people’s shady escapes like the last roommate Dawn and I had in Mordor who left in the middle of the night so he wouldn’t have to help with the final clean. Not that he would have been of any use as someone who didn’t wash his sheets for the full 2 months he lived with us.
Oh yick. No washing of the sheets? Extra ick. Something tells me the bad sheet-washing habits don’t bode well for his own self-washing.
That being said…….. I definitely disappeared on a roommate once. But that was in a college dorm and I was in mental distress. Or something. Haaaaa
I can so relate to learning to live without rather than replace or repair what was wrong. Just another thing that makes us tougher. LOL. Or so it was in my head. But I have to say, once you learn to live without those things, it becomes that much sweeter when those “creature comforts” return. Remind me again how I lived without a microwave? stove?, oven? etc. etc.
Love your tales Aussa. You already seem to have many lifetimes worth of adventures packed into the short time you have been on this planet. Can’t wait for more. Be well and keep inspiring.
It’s so true! I didn’t own a microwave for the longest time… and even though I still rarely use the one I have, it kind of baffles my mind that I went without. So many things like that…. couches…. hot water, etc. Ha.
the hot water and bathroom thing would be the deal breakers for me. Don’t know how you did it. You are one tough chick. lol.
Hi again Aussa, neglected to mention it was the size of a “Short Bus” How we never burned it down with our woodstove. When I worked in Northern Canada a way too horny frenchman, (another Story) busted our toilet and flooded the house. As a new crapper had to be aproved and flown in, we peed in the yard every night for a week. It was mid winter, thirty below…no nice warm Walgreens for us.
Oh my gosh! Peed in the yard haaaa I love it. So sorry though, peeing in the cold even with the luxury of a toilet is never any fun. I think I am WAY overdue for a post about peeing in inappropriate places. This needs to happen, and soon.
I just re-read that. THIRTY BELOW? For the love, didn’t it just come out as ice? No, no, don’t answer that…
Ahhh….to be that carefree and take life one day at a time, adjusting to all the obstacles along the way not knowing what was next. If only we could live like that as adults. Well, we could but we might be homeless. That’s why you have to do these things when you are young and idealistic. Once reality hits us smack on the face, it’s hard to go back. What a friendship the two of you had!
Hey, on another note, I thought of you while writing my latest post. I almost messaged you so you could tell me if I needed to “worry” about this man with a foot fetish or if he is harmless. If you get a minute, check it out. Thanks, Ninja/Wonder Woman! LOL.
Oh gosh, I will definitely be checking out the post! I’m a little frightened to open it up at work for the sake of the word “fetish” hahahaha but don’t let me forget! How weird… fetishes are an interesting topic, as are people who contact you regarding their fetishes but I should probably say no more on this public space………….. Ha.
I think this guy Bob, seems harmless but it freaked me out at first. I’d love to hear your opinion on it. 🙂
“…small decision that changed your entire life?”
Yes.
After many years of always going with paper after the question, “Paper or Plastic?” one brave day I replied, ‘Plastic’. Changed my life forever.
From then on instead taking five trips back and forth from the car to My Hovel, I could git-R-done in two and sometimes even just one. With all the extra time I gained, I figured I could write the next ‘Great American Novel’.
Loved this: Another Awesome Aussa Post!
Hahaha okay I love that this is what comes to your mind as an answer. It’s perfect. Though! I always got the plastic bags and now I do paper (unless I remember my super awesome reusable bag, which is only like 18% of the time) and it satisfies some unmet need in my life that takes incredible pleasure in seeing the bags all orderly in my back seat, never spilling out everywhere. <<<< Longest sentence ever.
Not once did I ever consider the ecological impact. Hey! Texans just don’t go there (or do they now?)
For me personally: it IS ‘green’. I can schlep 15 plastic bags as opposed to two of those old-style paper ones, thus preventing my own personal energy crisis and saving my Betty Grable legs extra wear and tear.
I do recycle my plastic bags though. I fill ’em with empty beer cans (which I used to recycle until the lady at the Recycle Place offered me ten percent of the ‘action’ if I would just reveal my source of aluminum.
Thank you Aussa for your reply.
Now, I have to re-ponder this whole ‘bag business’
🙂
Ha okay it’s very true about the ability to carry like 15 bags at once if you stick with plastic. And I love how this is a pretty across-the-board preference– we’d rather make ONE trip with a dozen plastic bags weighing us down like a pack mule, cutting into our skin and cutting off the circulation, than to make a couple more comfortable trips. It’s just so much better that way.
‘xactly!
*large smile*
Have a great Friday Aussa!
My favorite escape from reality (other than pulling the covers over my head), is to turn off my phone and my computer and go about 75 miles up in the middle of NOWHERE by a river and just, sit. By the river. Just me and whatever animals are around, and the sound of the neverending movement of water (and my family, of course).
I was never adventurous enough to disappear out of the country when I was younger, but there is a certain…allure…to that idea, even now.
Gah, I love it. I’m unplugging this weekend for a day and am majorly looking forward to it. That’s definitely a very apt escape… and I love that being surrounded by that sort of landscape just makes you feel small. Sometimes it is good to feel small.
I couldn’t believe how great it was to just know that my phone was OFF. Like: “Everyone I love is WITH ME right now. There is nothing anyone needs to reach me for that can’t wait, and if there’s a true emergency, they all have my husband’s #. And… if anyone has bad news, like someone died…well, it’s harsh, but they’ll still be just as dead on Monday when I turn my phone back on.”
It was lovely.
That’s perfect! But it makes a lot of sense. Learning to weed out the must-happen-right-priorities from the it-can-waits has to be the ultimate guide to not losing your mind.
Just skimmed, but caught Steph’s and BarbTaub’s comments and still giggling. Like everyone else, loved your story. The friendship is what comes through. Having that much fun with someone that everything becomes a reason to laugh–that’s what I take away. That and the brilliant table, of course. If I had kids again, I’d want their beds to be like that. Who’d worry then about whether they were made or not? Just lift ’em up outta sight. Leaving lots of floor space for playing, tricycling, and sock-skating : )
Oh that’s a really good idea! Hmmm…. I like it a lot… I’m sure that it will basically work the same way– I drink adult beverages, draw a design, do bad math, and then run to Walmart at 2AM to buy supplies. That sounds safe enough for children, it’s not like they’ll be babies anymore, amiright?
Seriously, as long as it has rails to corral their clutter and bedfriends (what we called stuffed animals), why not? Instead, find some nearby business school with an entrepreneur program and get one of those students to do the heavy lifting (hmm… more work on my part could have made that a pun with that bed style, yes?) as far as finding an engineer, filing patent, etc.. Split the profits with her/him. You’ve struck it rich, girl!
You’re welcome : )
(since it was really your idea to start with ; )
Ahhh, escape from the treadmill. I used to drive out into the backwoods, put on a set of waders and go watch a family of beavers (4 legged kind) building dams and their home. The waders were necessary because beavers live in water and the first thing they do is flood the area of their homes so they can come and go in water. Also they eat a lot of aquatic plants and they use water to float logs to build. So if you want to get close enough to see, you have to get wet. They will get used to you after a while and just go about their business if you remain quiet and still. Very cathartic. They are so peaceful.
this is sort of off topic Aussa but given your love of goats, I thought i’d point it out http://pouringmyartout.wordpress.com/2014/05/29/our-busy-day-on-maui-part-5/#comments
Enjoy!
*squeal*
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow. That’s quite an escape, I love that you returned to watch them multiple times. When I was a little girl, we had a creek behind our house. One spring it flooded so high that the water came over our wrought iron fence and when it descended, there was a baby beaver caught in our yard. It was the cutest damn thing I’d ever seen but it made me so sad that it was lost. Honestly I still don’t like thinking about it… those sorts of emotions cut deep as a child and they don’t go away even after you’ve grown up and seen and felt all manner of things.
That pulley systems is one elaborate table – the kind of thing I dream of, but am too lazy to actually achieve. Besides, weren’t you worried the ceiling might fall in???
I don’t know about shady, but my favourite kind of escape used to be quitting jobs with no warning, or forward planning whatsoever, and plunging off into the deep unknown. Something I in no way have the stomach for anymore. I really don’t know how I survived those days…
Haha um, no. It actually never ever occurred to me that the ceiling might fall in until you just now mentioned it. And THAT right there is why I was a Hovel girl through and through 😉
I feel the same way about “don’t know how I survived those days,” but it’s fun to think about. And! I have quit jobs a few times in that way. It’s fairly addicting, I’ll say that.
That table is unbelievably genius. It reminds me of the bloggess’ father’s taxidermy table in her book. I got kind of obsessed with dumbwaiters after reading Harriet the Spy and now I want to put one in my future house. Just a completely extraneous dumbwaiter.
I’m trying to remember when I first learned about dumbwaiters… I never read Harriet the Spy as a child but I know that the entire thought of them intrigued me. For some reason I’m thinking of a spooky building…. did the Adams Family have a dumbwaiter? Hmmm
I also used to think that laundry chutes were the shiznit. I wanted one so badly.
I’ve don the unplugging bit, too. Have gone for 48 hrs with no cell, computer, etc. staying in a country Hovel (lent to me for the weekend) with my dog. One of the most relaxing things I ever did!
Wonderful post, Aussa. 🙂
Every so often I think about going and getting a cabin on my own… but then I realize that I’d probably be sleeping in between my dog and my shotgun and replaying scenes from “Strangers” in my mind. But then I bring myself back to reality like HEY HEY HEY NOW because we all know that I’d never actually be able to find a cabin in the woods in the first place 😉
I’m fairly certain that this is the type of place I’m going to live after college. Small, (semi-) easily affordable, and run down enough that I barely have to keep up the pretense of tidying? Yes.
Escapes from reality? Well, it turns out that ADD and personality quirks? They can sometimes make my mind a very strange (and interesting) place.
Also – it’s my first time commenting, and I definitely feel intimidated. Point for overcoming social anxiety!
You describe it perfectly and I’m so glad to guide you into making such a wise life choice! Just don’t be taken entirely by Hovel living 😉 I find it easy to assume that your personality quirks make you wonderful. AND! First time commenting, huzzah! That’s so awesome I read it outloud to the Boyfran earlier while I was eating some weird organic (probably not but it tasted grainy) healthy pizza or something. Never any reason to feel intimidated! Though I understand– I’m intimidated by some very strange things… *files that thought away for a future blog post*
Lovely to hear from you, Chiaroscuro!
So the questions at the bottom…are they yours or a prompt from somewhere that you answer? Curious…because they are really great prompts.
They’re mine 🙂 I like for it to be a conversation as much as possible– like when you’re out with your friends and one story leads to another and then another…
I love them. I might have to use a few as prompts 🙂