Back in college my friend Shleisel and I lived in a dilapidated house near campus that we affectionately dubbed “The Hovel.” After a year of debauchery and less-than-wise choices we decided it was time to “grow up.” I’d formed a bad habit of running away from my problems but I figured I could do it one last time and really make it count. Hoping to get as far away as possible, I booked a one-way flight to China and promptly sold, gave away or trashed the majority of my possessions. What was left—mostly books and memories—went into a storage unit.
I’d booked the flight one month in advance, poetically opting to leave the country on my 24th birthday. I spent those last four weeks sleeping on the floor of Shleisel’s new house, trying to learn how to use chopsticks while watching every episode of Grey’s Anatomy. My priorities were rather obvious– I’d not bothered to learn a word of Chinese but I had planned a last hurrah trip for the two of us in Los Angeles.
It was the night before our flight and I was repacking my bag for the thousandth time, fully stocked up on a years worth of deodorant and contact solution. The main thought on my mind was what my last meal in America should be. Shleisel walked into the room, her face white. In her hands she held the belated arrival of so many consequences, and spoke like a jury delivering a sentence.
“Two lines.”
She was twenty years old, a senior in college. This wasn’t part of the lack-of-a-plan we were living. This lone pregnancy test had lived amongst our toiletries for months as part of an old joke and for some reason she’d gotten the random urge to pee on it.
“Wait,” I said, “it’s generic. It’s probably a false positive. It has to be. Let me google it.”
I typed furiously, reading everything aloud.
“Lots of things can cause false positives… improper testing, evaporation lines… what the hell is an evaporation line?”
“Google it!”
“Also it looks like taking other medications can cause a false positive. Or cancer.”
“Oh God,” she said, “please let it be cancer.”
I shoved a bottle of water at her and grabbed the car keys. We drove to CVS and bought a box of the most expensive and boastfully reliable pregnancy tests available. Shleisel peed on two more sticks, the jury deliberated, and the sentencing was final: Generic brands are accurate and two lines always means pregnant.
“We got this,” I told her, “Shleisel, we got this.”
“No,” she said, “I cannot have a Hovel baby.”
I canceled our flights to LA, but it only bought us four days before I was leaving the country.
The next morning I took Shleisel to a clinic for everything to be verified and they confirmed what we already knew. Options were offered and I walked away with an arm full of brochures and informational packets. I took her to an insurance office, where we stood behind a pane of dirty glass with dogged expressions and halos of doom. I filled out her paperwork while she stared glumly at the floor. The receptionist was far too cheerful for our liking.
“When’re you due?” she asked.
She looked so eager, as though this were something to be happy about. We weren’t the types of people to knit booties and hum over pastel paint swatches– we lived in a house where you had to duck your head or else you’d bump the ceiling.
Shleisel consulted the slip of paper she’d been given at the clinic.
“December 21st.”
“A Christmas baby” the woman smiled, “A miracle. Dark hair and warm brown eyes. You remember it was me who said it first. Your very own miracle.”
My mind strained to comprehend how this situation could be defined as a miracle. Divinely parted waters, crying statues, and rainy days where The Hovel didn’t lose power—those were our sort of miracles.
We had a long drive home, during which I read aloud from one of her numerous brochures, their scientific accuracy debatable.
“In two more weeks it’d double in size.. and have hands and feet and eyelids. And apparently you’ll have to pee a lot more.”
“Awesome,” she said.
Most of the brochures were either gloomy women or smiling babies. I picked one with a tree on the front.
“Adoption is a loving, selfless choice you make in order to give your baby all the security and benefits of a permanent family.”
“I hope it has my mouth,” she interrupted out of nowhere. “I like my mouth. And it will get free stuff for being a Native American. You want it?”
I couldn’t help laughing.
“I’m unemployed and homeless, not exactly fit to mother.”
“Right,” she said, “because I am?”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so we drove in silence.
“I just wish I could start over,” she finally said, “and not screw everything up. How am I ever supposed to fix this?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe you don’t. Maybe nothing’s broken.”
“I would do things differently, if I could go back.”
I wanted to tell her it was time to face things head on, but the hypocrisy of the statement tasted foul in my mouth.
“This kid won’t have a Dad, Aussa.”
“Hey,” I reminded her, “we both had Dads… look at all the good it did us.”
She laughed, finally.
“Families are something you choose,” I mumbled awkwardly, “so I’m in yours.”
“Okay,” she said, “That makes three of us.”
We scheduled doctor appointments, purchased prenatal vitamins and I crunched the math to figure out how she could fit an entire year’s worth of college courses into the summer and fall semester. If I got it right, she’d graduate one week before the baby was due.
My iPod was synced and my bag was loaded with everything I’d need for the next 8 months.
“I will not get fat,” Shleisel vowed while browsing pregnancy workouts on YouTube.
“I will not stay fat,” I declared, swallowing my last spoonful of American ice-cream.
“When you get back, you have to teach this kid to not be mediocre.”
I nodded, taking my duty very seriously.
“I will teach him or her to find Nepal on a map. And to not be racist,” I added.
“and I will teach it to not have sex.”
Two hours later, we were at the airport. It was just the two of us, like always.
“Remember to take your prenatals with food, and the iron at night.”
“I’ll remember.”
There was no goodbye hug, no solemn farewell or acknowledgment of everything that was about to change. We were both entering new worlds, blind and alone. I tried to trace back every decision, to figure out where we’d gone wrong or what we should’ve done differently. But there was no point. Looking back was just as cowardly as trying to run away. It was time to start living.
Has there been a moment in your life where you thought you’d ruined everything beyond fixing? Is there a person who is always there for you when reality shows up? Do you tend to think about “what might have been?”
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Sometimes it helps knowing when to come home. Looks like Shleisel helped you out with that. 🙂
Yes, you are so right. I had no clue how long I was going to be away, I just figured I’d come back when I ran out of money (which is still what happened– ha). But this gave us both a due date.
I *really* hope this ends well…
I shall message you, Lizzi. I know it’s a topic that hits close to home.
Thanks Aussa.
No, there’s never been anyone really, it’s always me doing the showing up when reality bites someone in the arse…at least you had/have each other. And, yeah, Fathers are overrated sometimes.
I’ve definitely been fortunate to have people around me in certain bitter moments of life… even when I tried to drive everyone away or disappear. That’s got to be tough always being the rescuer.
I’m starting to think it was all just training for my 18 yo daughter…glad I only had boys after her! Once she’s finished sabotaging her own life I’m gonna go live up a tree surrounded by a shark filled moat…no more helping for me haa!
Hahaha!! The imagery of that is so perfect, I kind of want to paint it.
It is like you grab me by the dangly bits and squeeze while tickling them with the feather on the back of the old-timey quill pen you use to write the words that make me want to laugh and cry… so there…
Most expressive comment ever. And I’m going to take it as a compliment, so thank you 😉
I meant is as one… or maybe even two…
I couldn’t possibly list all the ways I thought I ruined everything forever…so I will just say… YES.
This is fascinating as always
Thanks Michelle 🙂 And yep… I think that’s the interesting thing about life. You constantly think you’ve wrecked it and when you get past that wreckage you wreck it again and think THIS TIME it’s all ruined. Yet somehow, it goes on.
Oh, Aussa. Oh, Schleisel. Oh, I know this happened years ago, but I want to cry now.
Aw, no crying. There’s more to the story yet… Though I agree, it was somewhat hard to write. And Shleisel texted that it made her tear up. No matter how much time passes, reading or writing it still makes it seem fresh.
OK, the first two questions: I had a stroke that left me disabled, despite my best efforts at recovery, and my friend Briana stepped up and has taken care of me ever since. I love her very much.
Third question: I try not to because I honestly wouldn’t know where to start.
That being said, good for you for supporting your friend when she needed it. I’ve taken that ride to the doctor’s office with a few different women just because I felt that someone should.
Briana sounds like an amazing person (pig heads aside). And it’s good that you’ve been there for your friends in these situations… it makes me angry that this can be such a lonely experience for women or that they’re made to feel ashamed.
Most my life has been about thinking I ruined things, turned out I didn’t. It was a road I needed to travel to be the person I am today. I hope everything turned out for your friend. As for having someone there for me? Yeah, me. Sometimes a good friend, but usually just me.
It’s good to be there for yourself. While it seems like that’s a given, it’s really not. There have been numerous times in my life where I haven’t had my own back. I like to think I do now… for the most part. Perhaps that’s part of “growing up.” Which we never stop doing 😉
So true my red headed friend. It’s not a given that we would be there for ourselves. Oh god, I wouldn’t know how to be completely ‘grown up’…how boring LOL
I don’t want to answer your questions….I want you to keep telling the story! …and then what happened?
Ha! What happened is…
coming next Sunday 🙂 Heh heh.
So, did she have the baby? Did you go back for Christmas? I have so many questions..
Excellent questions! And two I can honestly say will be answered soon. In the next post of this series, probably.
What do you mean by ‘probably?’ You’d better not go flying off on any tangents until you wrap this up.
I am so apt to tangents. I think I’ll just start the next post like “and then I traveled for a while” and just glaze over all that bit.
I just simply loved this.
Ah, thank you. I am glad to hear that. It’s not my favorite story to write about… but at the same time, I also have really really wanted to tell it.
Oh, the list of moments I have had is very, very long!
I’m interested to know how this ends but at the same time a little nervous. I do love the obvious bond and love the two of you have for each other though. You always write about her with such affection. I think that’s lovely.
Thanks Sandy– I’m glad that comes through in the telling… and weird as it sounds, I kind of like that you’re nervous. I think it means I captured the entire experience quite well because every single thing about that time in my life was so dark and unsettling.
ooo. count me in on the nervous part. I can’t wait to learn what happens. I hope it isn’t the same experience I had…. I mean, clearly you are both ok right? so.. I sometimes don’t like that you can wrap me around your little finger with your stories, you know that??
Haha oh no! That’s the fun part of storytelling though, isn’t it?
Yeah, but you are so good at it you do it every. single. time.! Sheesh!
It’s the loneliness that’s the hardest isn’t it? You were a good friend to Shleisel. I hope it all turned out OK.
There’s more to the story, I promise you that! And yep, I really do think it all came down to various types of loneliness… It wasn’t until I’d “gotten away” that I’d begun to realize how you can be lonely in very different ways.
You write beautifully of love and trust and freindship and the fact that screw ups happen. I have messed up at everything- but have one old friend who has never bailed me out yet is ever forgiving. Look forward to the next chapter.
Thank you so much. And ah yes, a friend that is ever forgiving… I have two of those. Shleisel is my person who always shows up in the thick of shit with no questions asked. And I too feel like I’ve messed up at everything… but that might just be the definition of “living.”
I have more questions than I have answers. Of all the places to go to, why China? Why not France? Why not Italy? I mean, Barcelona would be a cool place. Maybe you’ve answered this before. Or maybe it’s the question that 42 is the answer to. But please. Inquiring minds want to know.
Haha! Well… I haven’t written extensively about China (believe me, I intend to) so I’m not sure I’ve answered it, but it can be summed up like this:
1. I wanted to get somewhere far away, completely unrecognizable, where I could be isolated– China offered this because I don’t speak the language.
2. My friend Sars had connections there and she agreed to find me an apartment
3. I didn’t put hardly any thought into the decision, it was made in a moments notice and after that I was committed.
And yep, I have always said China was at the bottom of places I’d ever want to go……. life’s funny like that 😉
I’ve heard that even the Chinese don’t like China. And you’ll get a better class of insult in Paris. The Parisiennes have turned it into an art form.
Ha! Most of the Chinese people I met were convinced that China was the best thing ever and the Chinese government knew everything and always did the right thing. It was rather discouraging. Maybe it’s the Chinese people that leave China who say such things 😉
Hope you didn’t drink the water. Pretty soon you will be saying wonderful things about the Chinese government.
Only when I’m not using a VPN 😉
You are the best kind of friend. Everyone deserves one of those. Good on ya’ Aussa.
I’m only a good friend in spurts, I’m afraid. But this is one story that I can feel someone okay about in the long run, ha. Thanks Nancy 🙂
I can’t wait for part two then!
p.s. you inspired me to create a vlog of my Grand Canyon rim to river hike Thursday. Posted it yesterday. spoiler alert: I’m an infinitely better hiker than videographer. 🙂
Oh! Awesome! I’ll check it out soon, that’s awesome. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon *sigh* I would looooove to see it.
Take the mule down to the river and back up again. The hike was brutal. 🙂
What an incredible friendship you two had/have! If anything is going to make one ‘grow up’ it’s TWO LINES!! Can’t wait to hear the rest.
We definitely forged our friendship in the fires of bad decision making, that’s for sure. Nothing can destroy it now 😉 I feel like just the words “two lines” are incredibly well known to most women– whether that’s to bring panic or joy.
I hope everything ends well— but your stories have a habit of ending randomly weird. Knowing you, she gave birth to jesus or something.
But I should state— I really do hope it ends well. Great story, hope it’s not a sad ending.
I love how everyone is rooting for a happy ending. I very much love it.
Okay how the hell am I supposed to get away with reading comments while I’m sitting at my desk if you insist on saying such fecking hilarious things? I can only be thankful that I hadn’t just taken a bite of oatmeal because I’d be wiping it off the screen right now and I don’t have so much as a paper towel so I’d be using scribbled-on post-it notes.
My stories end randomly weird. I love that. It’s so true.
I’m so thankful that you didn’t take that as an insult lol
Never, aaaahahahaha
So… has the new jesus risen?
TBC..
You are a cruel, cruel woman Aussa. Never stop.
Oh. Oh dear.
I’ve been there. Except I went a different route.
Look forward to reading how this ends.
It’s the sort of ending that drags on and takes a while to resolve… but I felt like it was a good time to tell the story. And yep, I think this is a somewhat relatable story for a lot of women.
When reality struck for me, it was when Mr. P informed me that I had to choose between marrying him and staying true to my beliefs. The person who was there for me when that happened was my mother. I’m so glad I chose my beliefs. He was a douche tanker.
Love your use of douche tanker. And I remember that part of your story– so unbelievable. But also kind of good that he forced you into such a bizarre moment of realization. You made the right choice!
Honestly, what other choice did he expect me to make. He’d been treating me poorly for weeks before he delivered his little ultimatum.
Douche Tanker!!! LOL I love it. I have used my own term Douche Barrel for years and it seems that you have taken that to a whole new level. I so appreciate the creativity in truth.
Douche Barrel also = worthy of the giggles.
LOL. thanks
Some questions are definitely not worth asking. Others have their time and place and it’s not “now”, it’s fifty years from now when you’ve got nothing better to think about. For now, I guess you’ve left us in the position you two were in – wondering what comes next.
Quite cruelly I sort of enjoy ending it on that note… because that’s truly how it felt. Just a “what the hell happens now?” sort of hanging in the air. And I agree that some questions aren’t worth asking… or if you’re going to ask them you have to be willing to accept that sometimes there either is NO answer or the answer is something you’ll never know. **Spoiler Alert: that’s probably the only thing I’ve ever learned.
That’s your spoiler? That doesn’t reveal much! 🙂
No, I think it was the right ending – it draws a firmer conclusion in its own way than any details of what actually happened next.
Not that we aren’t all curious.
WELL I’ll do my best to satisfy that curiosity in the next week or so 🙂
I’m kind of in my moment right now. And no one knows but me.
Your moment of feeling like you’ve ruined everything? Well if there’s anything I can say without looking or feeling like a total douchecanoe, it’s that sometimes, despite all evidence to the contrary, things aren’t really as ruined as they appear to be. Or at the very least, the path of ruin leads to better things. You never see it when you’re there but its worked out that way far too many times for me to believe otherwise.
who knew the hovel was a breeding ground for more than just bugs and vermin? this proves that you two are like a super race of humans.
and i am hoping for a positive outcome, whatever that might have been.
as for support and friendship, i am generally the rescuer and standby person, but i have had friends who have done the same for me, and i have never forgotten it.
That breeding ground made me laugh out loud. A testament to the effects of time on making most all situations humorous. Verrrry clever. And indeed– it was.
I think it’s best if we take turns playing rescuer… I’ve definitely been on both sides of that coin, especially with Shleisel.
Wow. Just wow. I hope everything worked out in the end.
And is it wrong that I keep singing “Two lines on a stick” over and over to the tune of “Three lions on a shirt”?
I don’t know that song! I’ll have to youtube it so I too can be tormented by this skewed ear worm.
LOL, it’s a football (soccer) anthem written for the England team in 1996! Very popular in Europe.
I’ll have to ask the Boyfran about it! He’s obsessed with “football.” <—- 😉
Did you go back for Christmas and hold Shleisel’s baby in your arms and teach him/her to locate Nepal on a map? *bites nails*
More to come soon, promise!!
Ack. I hate that phrase. “Grow up.” Name one good aspect about growing up. Can’t, can you?
Who was the father? Can you do a captain’s log supplemental post about that very important aspect of the story?
I thank Baby Jeebus above that I am incapable of becoming pregnant. It’s not the kind of adventure I’d ever aspire to have. My wife’s body was permanently altered by two pregnancies. And don’t get me started on the accouterments needed when you have a baby.
That’s probably not your favorite comment to date but do you want a series of safe, agreeable, dull comments from me or do you want some unpleasant truths thrown in here? Don’t judge me for showing you what’s swept under the dirty carpet of my mind. That’s kind of what’s great about blogging.
I’ll definitely talk about the father in an upcoming post…
Your candor is disturbingly refreshing, I can appreciate it. I get vain and worry about what being pregnant will do to my body… but eventually I want to make little humans so it’ll be worth it. Also I’ll probably be so old I’ll have to pay a scientist like $40 million to knock me up so it’ll all be worth it.
And the accouterments! I know this well. Ha…
Well, it ain’t all bad. As the world knows, it’s worth the sacrifices. Just thumb through the pics in my last post and tell me if that doesn’t get your maternal juices boiling.
HAHA Oh lord, I will certainly do that. And I’ll be certain to use the words “maternal juices boiling” when next I speak with The Boyfran. He will be thrilled.
I was at little country road hangout off to the side of the road in the woods, squatted down and leaning against my car for support while I took one of those cheapo tests. Two lines and I looked at my best friend and said, “Well, shit.”
My eight year old daughter is in the bathroom brushing her teeth right now. We just argued over her choice of outfit for ten minutes and I wouldn’t give those moments up for anything. What was a total surprise and fear and what I was positive was going to be a life-ruining-mistake turned out right for me. She sort of saved me (-cue corny music-).
That certainly doesn’t mean that would be right for everyone, it just happened to work out for me. But god that test…I remember that test.
It’s definitely a “cue corny music” sort of thing… and I love that you feel that way. Life’s not all sunshine and rainbows but it really does seem that things have a way of working out in the end… one way or another. I hesitate to say this because sometimes we most assuredly DO know what’s right for us– like leaving an abusive relationship– but a lot of times, I think we’re just flying blind so the seeming “mistakes” are the best things that could ever happen.
So much of life is left to those “gut feelings.” I chose to keep that baby and quickly try to make some sort of sense out of my life before she got here, but that was me running on gut feelings. I didn’t have a clue if it was right or wrong, or whether I was going to succeed or fail terribly. We just kind of roll with it sometimes.
Of all the things I’ve done and the checkered past I have, I never had a pregnancy scare. I’ve been a drunk, an idiot, and a life ruiner but I’ve always been responsible below the belt. Do I get any credit for that or does the bad crap just wave right over that?
My equivalent to this is when I divorced my 1st wife and changed EVERYTHING in my life over life an 18 month period. I wasn’t a good person or father to my then 2 1/2 year old daughter. Now, I am. But that period between late 05 and mid 07, I thought I sucked. Then I worked hard to make sure I didn’t.
Great post
Haha I’ll definitely give you credit, Lance! We all have tons of bad crap waving around, we should celebrate the wins.
The fact you worked hard to NOT suck is pretty remarkable. A lot of people never make that sort of effort… its commendable.
“Has there been a moment in your life where you thought you’d ruined everything beyond fixing?”
That’s a feeling I’ve been fighting for the better part of the last two years….
I’m going to steal this from the gay agenda (I’m sorry, I really couldn’t help using that phrase, it just begged for it) and say “it gets better.” Even though I’m younger and perhaps less life-experienced than you, I truly believe that. I don’t think anything is ever completely ruined. Or maybe we have to change our definition of the word.
I believe it will get better, too, but I do appreciate your sentiment. I just seems that better is always too far into the future.
And did you just very subtly call me old? WTF??
Haaaaaaaaaa nooooo I don’t even know how old you are. Old enough to be a Twin Daddy? And I just know that sometimes I say things and people are like “YOU’RE SO YOUNG YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT HOW DARE YOU.” *shoves foot in mouth, offers coffeh as peace offering*
Just because you’re young (I have no idea how old you are, either) doesn’t mean you don’t have something worthwhile to say. Sometimes a fresh perspective is good.
And coffeh will hit the spot.
I guess I’m really not that young anymore. I’ve spent my whole life feeling old and now that I’m older I’m starting to feel young. What is this looking glass I’ve wandered through? Thanks for being gracious 😉 I was going to also offer puppehs and cookehs if I needed to.
I already have a puppeh, but cookehs are good, too. NOM!
see this?? I love this! This is one of the things you do so very very well Aussa! P.S. It sounded to me like she called you old too. (sorry, I don’t know how to make a devilishy smilie face) But she certianly made it up to you. I would have added a pile of kittieh’s
Oh yes, boatloads of kittehs! OMG I’m such an asshat on the old sounding comment– I did not mean toooooo! I was only insulting my own lack of wisdom.
COFFEEEEHHHH
fortunately, I don’t think you offended Twindaddy. (and of course I just found it amusing. See what happens when you get old?) Really, nothing to worry about dear Aussa
That’s good 🙂 If I’m going to offend someone… I want to really make it worth it HAHA
Hah! Something tells me you would excell at that too Aussa! 😉
I love reading this blog it really makes you think about where you have been in life and maybe where you are headed. I’m older now with two grown kids and grandkids but I have been there. I have always been an avoider it doesn’t make things better that is for sure. But when fight or flight kicks in I soar like an eagle and get the hell away from it. I hope this story has a happy ending!
Haha I love the imagery of flying like an eagle when Fight or Flight kicks in– I know how that goes! I tend to vacillate between the two… and I’m glad it makes you think when you read my blog 🙂 It forces me to think as well, ha.
I have that person. Reading this story, I replayed this exact scenario between the two of us, only I wasn’t flying to China. Those kind of friends, the ones who become family, are the best thing on earth, and you two were (hopefully are) lucky to have each other. My person and I have been friends for 30 years, and there is absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t do for her.
Damn you and your cliff hangers.
Thankfully you can’t quit me, Mandi! Huzzah 😉 And that’s awesome that you have a Shleisel… everyone needs that friend that you can call no matter what and they always answer and they’re willing to drive to whatever ridiculous GPS coordinates you give them and pick you up no matter what. She and I have been on both sides of that scenario with each other, a few times haha.
This was really a moving post. I could deeply feel the emotions of you two.
I was known as the goody-goody among my peers. I did the usual college-age partying thing, but didn’t make decisions that caused me adverse consequences. In today’s society, I sometimes feel like a freak of nature. I wonder if I should’ve made a bad decision to fit in better, but that isn’t me. For the most part, I’d rather not fit in than conform to something that doesn’t express the real me. However, that doesn’t avoid life from dropping things on me that makes me wonder what could’ve been. I certainly have those.
I think that the “goody-goody” in any group of friends can be the brunt of a lot of jokes, which is a shame. People shouldn’t feel pressure to behave in a riskier or more scandalous way than they want to… that sounds like a recipe for disaster and heartbreak right there.
Believe it or not, I was also a goody-goody for a long time… that pretty much went out the window when we moved into The Hovel though, haha.
Don’t feel like a freak of nature! Obviously you are whoever you are supposed to be.
Thank you for understanding what I meant, Aussa. After I wrote it I thought it sounded self-righteous. I definitely have had behaviors that have caused me problematic issues in life (as today’s post on my blog says). I just haven’t made huge life-changing decisions. Looking forward to the continuation of your story.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that you’ve got me riveted … curious to see what happens to your friend, and what you’re running away from that made you jump out of a window.
It sounds so ridiculous to have jumped out a window, but c’est la vie. Sometimes life and fear and bad choices become incredibly literal in their consequences. I’m glad you’re riveted! Story to continue next week.
Great writing. I have had three lives so yes, I have had the opportunity to really mess up big time in all three. I of, course, took the opportunity to freely make as many mistakes allowed. There is not enough space to detail it all here, but suffice it to say BIG STORIES which made an interesting journey.
I recall you talking about these multiple lives you’ve lived. I find it fascinating… You will, no doubt, never be short on stories because of it.
Thanks for the reminder. I need to stop telling you about the three lives. 🙂
No, don’t!
I just relieved that 2 line moment with my older son. At that time I too had a wonderful friend that helped me through. Now, well its water under the bridge. BUT I wish I could have not told his dad that I was preggers. I would have moved back to my moms and never let him know (and I would do that with my second sons dad too).
There are weeks that I live in the world of the “what if” I find that its never really ever helpful, except for helping me making better decisions in the future….
The “what ifs” can trap you in a downward spiral… I think it’s best to take from the past what you need for the future… and leave the rest behind. At least that’s what the tattoo on my hand tells me to do 😉
And I don’t blame you for wishing you’d not told the father… I suppose that in a perfect world that would work out and they’d be entitled to being involved in everything but so often the world simply is not perfect. More on that specific topic later, haha.
I have many regrets in life and I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about “if you had the chance to go back in time, knowing what you know now, what would you do different?” He looked at me and said, “I wouldn’t go back in time – I am the sum of all of my experiences and choices – good and bad. I had to experience everything I did to become this person, right now – and I like the person that I’ve turned out to be.” That was an eye opener for me.
YES that is the perfect way to look at it. It doesn’t mean you don’t acknowledge the hard times or the pain but you realize that in some strange way you OWE them because they were like the toll you had to pay in order to get to where you are now. It always baffles me when I check to see whether I still feel this way– whether I’d trade any of it– and the answer is always no. Even when I don’t necessarily like myself very much, I still want to be ME. I still see value there. Madness.
So many times I’ve thought THIS was the worst mistake I could have made… and then proved myself wrong. There has to be a point where it all just gets easy though, right?
Oh yeah, definitely! Let’s make a pact to let the other know when we’ve reached it 😉 But seriously– SO many times I’ve thought I’d hit the worst possible moment… and then I crawled out by my fingernails and proceeded to create an even worse moment. I think that’s what we call humanity.
Oh my goodness! I remember walking out of the bathroom and showing my roommate and going ” 2 lines means NOT pregnant, right? Right? RIGHT???”
Good times…
Hahahaha oh God. And your roommate was like…. “Sit down, Kate. We got this” ???? Good times indeed!
Yeah, she was a gem of a roommate!! 🙂
For years, I wondered why #4 had decided to come into the world (my womb) when her parents were technically homeless, used two forms of birth control and #3 was only 4 months old…It took three years to realize that if she hadn’t come then, I likely wouldn’t have chosen to have a #4 at all, because who wants to have babies while their husband’s at war?!?
And I don’t think, at the age of 40, now that my husband is out of the military, and #3 is 11, that I would be in any hurry to get knocked-up…
So, I thank God she came when she did, cause I would hate to have missed out on all the #4 joy I’ve been granted.
It’s funny… I don’t think I ever realized that people PLANNED to have babies until I was way too old to admit not getting this basic concept. Every family I know just had kids whenever they happened to come along… it kind of cracks me up now that all my friends are perfectly timing their ovulation and planning conception around their calendar of events. Most everyone I know who’s had a “surprise” baby has said something very similar to you!
Oh yeah, well that was the irony. It took us three years of planning, and even a consult at the fertility clinic to get #3, and we finally conceieved a year after we reached an ethical standstill and gave up!
I would never have planned for back-to-back babies, lol!
Oh my gosh, that is magnificently ironic. Wow.
I’m anxious to find out how it turned out with the hovel baby 🙂
I met a guy once who I thought was the one and then on a night out with him I ran into a years ago ex and spent a couple of hours hanging with him without really telling “the one” where I was. He went supernova when I came back and events escalated into the worst night of my life. He dumped me and I never wanted to take back a stupid decision so badly in my life. Now I can recognise that he was a jealous and potentially violent asshole and so definitely NOT the one but at the time I wanted to die.
Hindsight is certainly 20/20 isn’t it? I remember the guy I thought was “the one” and then reconnected with years later and was overwhelmed by his douchetasticness. Maybe our future selves are channeling these seemingly bad choices into our psyche to save us from ourselves.
You know what happens when I read your posts? My early/mid twenties coming crashing back to me. Like CRASHING. I never really thought of that period of time as anything other than complete-chaos-shame-crazy-keep-it-secret stuff, but now I’m looking at it in a different light. Well, now I’m looking at it, period. I think I just realized how much I *forgot* most of it (aka erased it from mah brain). It would be cathartic as hell to write it out in a super-brillz-Aussa manner someday. I’ve got my own two lines story, as well as many others….including the sexy garage apartment days (that I’ve now managed to mention like 4 times on your blog. wtf?).
ANYway, amazing post. I’m SO excited the saga continues cuz I really don’t want this to end. Like GoT, I need it to go on forever. 🙂 (WHICH I HAVEN’T SEEN YET CUZ I TAPED LAST NIGHT SO DON’T TELL ME ANYTHING).
Oh, and I’m not FRIST, but I’m 131st so HOW BOUT THEM APPLES??? That’s right. I’m strutting. Suck it, earlier commenters, and bow to your victor.
I can’t get past “bow to your victor,” I literally have tears in my eyes, love the moxy of this entire comment. And! Yes! You must! I know that I’ve felt ashamed about certain things… my God, I used to keep my journal locked in a fecking safe. I was mortified that anyone would ever know all my ugly truths. Now I’m like Kandinsky splashing them all over the place for people to look at. You most definitely should write these stories…
Because I’m super classy, I’m going to go ahead and post my first thought after reading this: HOLY SHITBALLS, DUDE! Can’t wait for the rest of the story. I think your cliff hangers are bad for my health, Aussa.
No, not bad for your health! Think of them as a soothing balm to your soul, easing you onward, giving you a reason to continue living.
……….. uh.
And I hope you’re healing well! Embrace the salve.
Serious comment alert: After I read this post I realized something. I think that you are a novelist who is blogging right now. Like, I am a blogger. You are an amazing blogger, but I think you are meant to be an author, if that makes sense. You are a novelist in bloggers’ clothing!
Love that you put the alert first, Steph. Hahahaha And! I’m actually maybe blushing a little bit right now. You just don’t know… this is a “thing” for me. Maybe someday I’ll be worthy of this comment!
Yep. I agree Steph. I have long thought this. Aussa has an amazing talent/gift for writing. She is crazy good at story telling.
Before I got my tubes tied, being pregnant was my biggest fear. Now it’s living out the curse of Cassandra (it had been my #2 fear. Now a zombie apocalypse is #2).
Also, I am pretty sure I ruined my life beyond fixing many times. It happens. But I don’t want to die with my life all shiny and whole and perfect (not that that was ever a danger with my childhood).
Woah. I’d never heard of the Curse of Cassandra but just wikipedia’d it. That’s terrible and I’m right there with you on putting that at the top of fears.
Do you dream about the zombie apocalypse? I’ve always had apocalyptic/dystopian dreams ever since I was a little girl but only recently, thanks to our darling culture, these have become zombie dystopian. They’re not nightmares though… it’s like living in a video game.
I agree about not dying with a shiny life. Let’s get dirty, Maurna.
I have always had the dystopian dreams too! What is wrong with us? Mine are sometimes scary. They alternate between natural disasters, zombie outbreaks, and pandemics (I love diseases),
I don’t know. I think it means that at our very core we know we thrive most in moments of absolute chaos and destruction.
What a tremendous friendship the two of you seem to have. Forged ever stronger with each life experience shared together. And the timing of the China escape at the very time she was struck with such a life changing event, and your determination to get her at least steady before you left? Remarkable Aussa. As well as life building in the perfect opportunity for a cliff hanger intermission if the story were to ever be told in the future. It is Aussa’s story so of course it was destined to be told. We are all the very lucky recipients of those stories friend. I hope this works out in the best way possible for all involved parties. Sometimes those things are never so evident in the moment that hard life decisions are made. Can’t wait for the continuation and conclusion. Be well and keep inspiring.
I know. It quite honestly could not have been WORSE timing. That’s why it feels like life just showed up and took a big shite on us at the same time. And it’s funny how it’s always much easier to work on someone else’s problems than your own………
I know. I often find myself giving advice to friends I would never think of if I was in the same mess. Some of my best life therapy has been listening to my own advice to others. Can’t wait to see how the rest of this played out Aussa. Be well and keep doing what ya do. Inspiring.
It is nice indeed to see a genuine friendship in a world where intimate partners drum up mayhem and accusations of hacker, ninja, hooker and spy. And by the way you WON! I had to find out from Man who is Opinionated. Congratulations on being everyone’s Girl Crush. My vote never counts in political elections so I am happy to have contributed here.
Hey, thank you! I know– I found out from Mary Widdicks AKA Outmanned Mommy! Of course then I checked my email but I’m really very very bad at email so it’s a good thing other people tag me on the facebook 🙂 Thanks so much for voting!
Without all the mistakes I made – and there have been lots – I wouldn’t be who I am now, and I’m pretty happy with how I eventually turned out. 🙂
Perfect outlook, I love it 🙂
This made my cry. Hubby walked into the office to find a blubbering mess. When he asked me what was wrong, I simply said, “I miss my best friend waaaaahhhh”
So good. All of it. The writing, the words the way you were/are her friend. The conversation in the car was my favorite. You’re gonna tell us more, right?
Yes I will definitely be telling more 🙂 And I’m sorry you cried!!! Hopefully there was maybe some happiness or at least fond memories behind the tears. I’m glad you enjoyed though… it’s a hell of a story to look back on as part of my life.
Don’t worry about my tears! The fact that you can tell a very private story and still reach relevance beyond your own history shows what talent looks like. I loved it and I called my BFF because of it. Xo
Yes. Those 2 lines.
Extremely scary moment for someone who couldn’t even keep plants alive.
I don’t know that it’s possible to navigate life without a best friend. I love her name, and the fact that it rhymes with weasel. Icing on the cake.
Oh my gosh yes that was something we kept reminding ourselves of– our inability to nurture even the most cactusy of cacti. We did have dogs though… which were mostly alive under our care. It’s like half a win.
And yes– rhymes with weasel! I swoon for it.
I spent the years from when I was 9 (one of my sisters got pregnant when I was 9 and she was 15) in utter terror of the “P” word. When my boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and, oh, by the way, if you should get pregnant unexpectedly, well, that’s OK too, I knew I had found a gem. When I couldn’t conceive years after we married he said let’s adopt — our kid should be both of ours or neither of ours. I think of these moments whenever I want to throttle my husband of nearly 28 years. And I don’t hit him.
I’m not sure this answers your questions. Oops. I hope I didn’t ruin everything ;).
Haha you ruin nothing! That’s sweet of him to feel that way and be so supportive. It’s funny that even at 28 I still feel like I would just absolutely die if I got knocked up. I may as well be 15… but that’s life I suppose and I’d roll with the punches even if they came from the other side of my uterus, I suppose.
Fantastic entry.
There is always times of utter despair that make life seem awful. One of my friends has been there for me through thick-and-thin when life started to get going, since we were 18.
There are plenty of moments where we contemplate our decisions, how life would have panned out differently. But that’s the beauty of life. There will always be that wonder, the “What If.” But we all know the decision we made — for one reason or another — was purposeful and definitely inevitable.
Eighteen is the perfect age to find that friend who’s going to stick with you through everything– I’ve been so lucky with that, because I’ve been a hella awful or distant friend at times.
And I agree that all those decisions have a purpose– even if we never get to fully understand it, I believe it exists.
I’ve been fortunate to have had a lot of supportive friends in my life. It sounds to me like you have been that friend. I hope you won’t leave us completely dangling here. 🙂 You have written this so profoundly I do care about the outcome! What a turn in events…did she get to graduate? Oh the questions…
I promise not to keep you dangling! I’ve been posting on this series every Sunday for the past few weeks and there will be at least a couple more 🙂 I feel like I’ll most likely answer all your questions and then some! I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Eep… I know the times I’ve had to test, the idea of 2 lines was all sorts of awful… I’ve been lucky…. So yeah, this makes me think what might have been, but I can’t even imagine… what happens next?!
What happens next…. coming soon!
And I’ve been there as well. Scariest fucking thing, ESPECIALLY if you’re really good at dating assholes like I am. Yikes.
Ugh what an idea… At least mine would have been terribly good looking :p
I kinda got the impression last week that this week all questions would be answered… damn you!!! I have soooo many questions! You need one of those teasers, like on tv. “Next week on Aussa’s blog…”
To answer your questions: I don’t know if I’ve ever had a moment where I thought I messed everything up for good. I think I tend to block out and forget the bad stuff. So I’m going to say No! I’ve never messed up! (See, you run off to China, I just run away mentally!)
I actually have three friends who are my “Shleisel’s”. The four of us have been best friends, like family, since the first day of freshman year of college. We are all scattered in different places now but we will all drop everything and come together when one of us is in trouble or struggling. They’re awesome.
I think about the What If’s all the time.
Hahahaha I had seriously missed writing with cliffhangers since my Cross Examination posts– I can’t deny its an evil sort of enjoyment over here.
And hey– blocking it out can be good as well. It’s such a fine line of trying not to just blindly escape and then focusing on and overanalyzing every little thing to death. I have a couple things like that that I just need to get all Frozen on them and LET IT GO.
Three Shleisels, daaaaamn 😉 That’s awesome though. There is nothing like that. And I know what you mean about being spread out– my close friends and I have been hundreds and thousands of miles away for most of the time since college but it really doesn’t seem to matter when we need each other.
I had barely turned 19, moved out of Utah, and vowed to never become one of those Mormon girls who gets married and knocked up before they’re 20. Well guess the fuck what… now, 22 years later my last of two kids will be turning 18 before the month is out, and I’m standing where I was all those years ago; what the hell am I suppose to do with my life? … so I’m running away…. there has only been one sister I can usually rely on, and she’s bat shit 99% of the time.
Mid-life is going to be awesome!
I love that we apparently never grow out of the “what the hell am I suppose to do with my life?” sort of feeling. I mean– you spend so long thinking that at some point you’re going to figure it out… maybe it’s just best to embrace that we never will. And I love that your sister is bat shit 99% of the time, sounds endearing 😉
A HOVEL BABY?! I am DYING to read the next installment of this story. Where is it?!?!?!
Heh heh it is coming soon! Next Sunday 🙂
Oh dear, so scary!! Women are so brave. No one can convince me otherwise. <3 It brings back a memory of a time where I thought I screwed up royally… but I'm not sure if I could ever write about it plainly. But trust me, I've been in an almost similar situation.
I know what you mean about not being able to overtly write about something… I think that’s why fiction is so useful sometimes. You can get the things out of you that you need to, but it’s somewhat safer or more liberating.
Oh isn’t that so true?! It’s wonderful to write fiction to allow the crap out sometimes.
Also… cannot WAIT to see what happens next!
Soon soon!
Wow. That’s a story I want to hear the ending to. I had a similar situ back in the far gone days with a friend/flatmate. She had a miscarriage in the end, and so we went out and got ourselves each a puppy. As you do.
Ah, that’s difficult. I’ve had a few friends wrestle with the horror of an unplanned pregnancy, come to accept it, and then lose the baby and that’s all sorts of a mind fuck right there.
Though I have to agree that getting a puppy is a solution to an awful lot of problems.
Aussa, had Liked this a couple of days back but was so busy, no time to comment, and so many others had already said, but just want to add my half-cent:
So much feeling. So perfectly written. Whether or not it was so, I imagined I knew everything you both were going through, and ached with you.
Beautiful job.
I always appreciate hearing your feedback, thanks for coming back to leave some 🙂
Oh my stomach did the all too familiar scary flip flop with this story. I had spent so many years praying I wasn’t pregnant that when I tried I was afraid my prayers were too powerful. The whole be careful what you pray for. Luckily, I eventually got the two lines I had hoped for. I feel for you both in this story…so emotional and you make me laugh even in the midst of emotional upset.
That is actually something I worry about a lot, Hasty. I’m so “I don’t want a baby!” right now that I worry I will jinx myself when I try to jump through that slim window of opportunity later on. I suppose it is best not to worry about things that haven’t yet happened though… I’ll do my best 😉 And I’m glad that it still made you laugh– that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something, because I feel like eventually most everything can be laughed at (or appreciated some way) when looked at in a certain light.
Don’t mind me asking but was Sheisel seeing anyone all this time?
Yes– I will clarify that point in the next post. I’ve skimmed over it only because he is one of my least favorite topics 😉
I’m glad I know what the ending to this story is 😛 And yes. I dwell on what could have been far too much, but getting better 😉
Reading in reverse is cheating! But I forgive you 🙂
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I missed this on the first go-round so I’m late to the party, but I love this post. Now I have to go read the next four-ish to see what happens! Except I have to get my child up for the band class she has BEFORE school even begins. Apparently getting up at 6:30am isn’t horrible enough so they push it back to 5:45am on some days to keep us on our toes…
WAIT. Band class before school? Who in the world ever thought that even remotely resembled a good idea? There are no words…