Every so often I get to feeling like I finally have a handle on life—it’s usually after some milestone achievement like purchasing designer coat hangers or flossing my teeth for 4 days in a row. But no matter what I do, there will always be those things that I Just Can’t…
#1: Accept Change from a Cashier
I try to psyche myself out for the triple decker clusterf*ck of receipt + cash + coins but no matter what I do, I end up rolling it into a ball and frantically shoving it in the most readily available crevice—be that handbag, pocket, or lord knows what else. To effectively navigate this situation I’d need at least three more hands and a better personality for begging forgiveness from the person behind me. As it is, I just stand there scattering coins like birdseed and mumbling to myself unintelligibly. When a panhandler stops me for change I have two choices: Lie and say I don’t have any cash (when in reality my handbag weighs 7lbs and there’s 80 one-dollar bills in there) or oblige their request and take half an hour to disentangle the mess whilst littering the ground with tampons and other handbag paraphernalia.
#2: Drink the Last Sip
Not sure if this is some leftover childhood phobia of “backwash” but I simply cannot take the last sip of anything—coffee, tea, water, or adult beverages. I wasn’t aware of this until Sars pointed it out while we were in China and I kept leaving a wasteful pool of liquid at the bottom of every glass. It’s not even that I’m done drinking, I just don’t want that bit and would prefer to pour a refill on top of it. I should probably see a therapist to figure out what this means.
#3: Get Out Of a Car
I know it’s common to mock City People who drive SUVs, but beyond the obvious advantage I will have in the coming zombie apocalypse, it’s mostly because I can’t exit a car without looking like a 5’11 baby being born breach. The Boyfran drives a car he is rather proud of but it’s such an elaborate process to extricate myself. I have to stow away my various accoutrements, smooth my clothing, grab the door frame, brace myself, then throw all my weight out while hoisting myself up and onto the pavement. It’s a damn good thing the paparazzi have no interest in taking upskirt photos of me because I’m telling you—it’s like open season up in here.
#4: Apply Eyeliner without Looking Like a Victim of Assault
Sometimes I think I’m smart… and then I try to put on eyeliner. I’ve reached that point of desperation where I consult the expertise of bright and bubbly tweens on YouTube who create makeup tutorials. But this only makes things worse by instilling me with false confidence. “Oh, I need to draw a line and THEN a triangle on top of it!” No, for the love of all things holy, just no.
#5: Retain Proper Lids for Food Storage
On a scale of 1 to 10, my patience for cooking is a 1.5. To combat overwhelming laziness and disregard for my health, I meal prep on Sundays. Mostly this involves chopping and storing all manner of food items, which I eat raw because ain’t nobody got time for skillets. This tedious process requires an extensive network of food storage items, which I’ve purchased time and time again. I try to be strategic and only buy the exact same brand but somehow I’ve still ended up with 50 square shaped containers and 47 round lids. WHAT IS HAPPENING. I end up trying to seal my food with Saran Wrap, which is a foe so formidable it deserves its own post.
What shallow struggles do you face on a daily basis? Do you share any of my inadequacies? Have you achieved these modicums of perfection to which I aspire?
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