I’m always a little bit worried that I’m about to fall on my arse in front of a large number of people. Let’s not forget this has happened to me before and though I’ve learned my lesson (don’t judge desperate Moms at Target and/or wear teal wedges) I don’t think that means I can rest easy.
It rained all day yesterday, which led to an onslaught of ridiculous on the job injuries because no one I work with can walk across a parking lot without maiming themselves. I’ve begun to think these workers-comp cases should fall under the umbrella of “Pics or It Didn’t Happen.” More often than not, the pics don’t work in your favor—like with Kelly who got a $60,000 settlement after a fake ankle/back injury, yet still managed to get drunk and wear a gold toga whilst dancing on a table at her lake house. I know this happened, ‘cause I saw the pics.
If these workers comp cases are to be believed, then apparently I work at an incredibly dangerous place—not because we serve the mentally ill—but because sometimes an office plant will poke you in the eye while you’re watering it.
Seriously, that happened.
The woman who runs dispatch for our Maintenance Office received an entire week of paid leave after a leaf from her office plant stabbed her in the eye. This was a plant she’d brought from home, and while it wasn’t particularly threatening looking she still managed to win herself a full week of chain-smoking at the casino instead of coming into work.
It’s possible she got the idea from another coworker who was denied a 2-week vacation to Sturgis, the Woodstock for bikers. After receiving this bad news, he promptly shut himself in the bathroom for half an hour and then claimed he’d pulled a muscle while taking a shite. Guess how much time he was given off work? Two weeks. Guess what he did with it? Sturgis. Guess how we know? Facebook.
It’s not a normal week unless some level of attention or resources is being diverted to a person falling out of a chair or tripping into a cactus. I think my favorite might have been a very terse email I received from a staff person who was absolutely livid that they’d gotten a sunburn whilst driving a company vehicle to a meeting.
“I wouldn’t have agreed to go if I knew this would happen to me.”
Because of all of these supposed injuries, we developed a “light-duty” work program that allows these accident-prone individuals to continue working in whatever capacity their supposed injury will allow. This means that at any given moment there are half a dozen people in my building who are being paid to lick envelopes or shred paper. My least favorite of these fakers is Humpty, who strained her knee from standing too long at the back of a seminar. After taking extensive time off for physical therapy, we now pay her $48,000 a year to reroute phone calls.
The other afternoon I was sitting in Mandi’s office when Humpty breathlessly limped in, her face red from exertion and outrage. She demanded we radio a security officer immediately. For a split second I thought I was about to use my Clown-With-A-Banana Training but it turned out Humpty’s big emergency was that she didn’t like her office chair and was afraid she was going to fall out of it. Her injury restrictions prevented her from rolling it away herself and she needed someone big and strong to replace it for her. What I really wanted was to replace her face with my fist but I knew that in doing so I would most likely set her up for life.
I’ve decided to channel these intense emotions into something more productive, like faking my own ridiculous on the job injuries. Extensive brainstorming resulted in the following options:
1. Catch portion of self on fire by huddling too close to one of the TWO office space heaters I have going right now.
2. Follow Trash Cake’s example and start eating out of the trash until a colony of parasites takes residence in my gut.
3. Continue breathing the air in my office which is a delightful combination of poorly-abated asbestos + pesticides.
These may need a little work. Let me know your suggestions on how I can better defraud my employer and score copious amounts of time for watching Netflix and dabbling on twitter.
What’s the most ridiculous way you’ve injured yourself? Know of any fake workers comp cases? Ever fallen on your arse in front of a large group of people?
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