My husband and I know the importance of keeping things interesting in the bedroom. Last night, I decided to open up a whole new world of experience for him:
I made him watch his first Chick Flick.
Most of the time, I’m a big fan of watching super heroes, sci-fi, and war. But every so often I start to crave some face time with Rachel McAdams.Nothing satisfies quite like watching her fall in love, get amnesia, choose the wrong guy–because he is or isn’t a time traveler– but there are swans and people embracing in the rain.
Yesterday was the perfect storm of opportunity because Alex had been sick for a few days, and was vulnerable to my suggestions.
I chose the newly released movie, “About Time,� as I’d heard from several people that it inspired much weeping and gnashing of teeth. We watched the opening credits, saw the title pop up, and the narrator’s voice over began.
“Wait a second,� Alex said, “What’s this about?�
20 seconds in, and I was already hitting pause.
“Are you kidding me? You waited until now to ask that question?�
“I was just wondering what it’s about?�
“…It’s ABOUT TIME.�
I don’t own a TV, so we were watching it on my laptop in bed. This is where we spend a lot of our time on the weekends and where most of the action happens, if you know what I mean. It takes a lot of work to cultivate this amount of sexy, but I’ve summoned my vast wealth of knowledge to create the following guide on how to talk dirty in bed. Before you begin, it’s important to call upon your inner 12-year old. Yes, I know that sounds illegal. Listen, HD XXX will blow your mind, enjoy sex-hd xxx with your partner…
#1: Sensual Touch + Sexy Words = Happy Times
It takes both physical and mental stimulation to truly create that “WOW!� moment. My favorite sexy move is to impersonate a very excited Asian zoo animal and tackle Alex whilst screeching “Baby Red Pandas are vicious!�
#2: Take Your Own Breath Away—Then Give It Back
If your partner needs a little extra to get in the mood, try wiggling your body suggestively and pressing up against them. Part your lips ever so slightly and kiss them across the neck before taking in the biggest, loudest, most dramatic whiff of their scent until you can’t possible sniff them anymore. To really top it off, release that air in the form of an epic shat-sounding raspberry against their skin.
#3: Serenade Your Partner With a Love Song
If a random song pops into your head while you’re in the heat of the moment, go ahead and sing it out. For me, these are often Christmas carols or songs I learned in 6th grade. Feel free to switch up the lyrics to suit the situation.
“I’ve got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart, where? Down in… your armpits.�
If your partner gives you an incredulous look and asks if you just went “All Vacation Bible School on their armpits?� then go back to #2.
#4: Wake Your Lover With A Happy Surprise
Building from my suggestion in tip #3, it’s always exciting to be woken up with a song—whether this is a Gollum/Smeagol voiced rendition of “You Are My Sunshine,� or the opening theme from Lion King, is up to you.
If you’re not feeling musical, it also works to place your face directly in front of your true love and loudly whisper.
“ALEX! ARE YOU AWAKE?�
Repeat this for as long as necessary.
#5: Build Up Your Sweetheart’s Ego With Lots of Positive Affirmation
I like to pair my compliments with intense stimulation, so he’s sure to never forget it.
“Babe, I love you so much and you make me so happy. But… WINTER IS COMING!�
At this point I’ll grasp the sheets and covers, rip them away, and expose him to the arctic chill of air conditioning.
Even if he yells “This isn’t love!� over and over, don’t be fooled—this is exactly what love looks like.
#6: Introduce a New Fetish
You’re probably aware of my adoration for all things Goat-related, which is why I decided to incorporate a little animalistic passion into my routines. Those of you who follow me on facebook/instagram might remember a certain text exchange between Alex and I due to his inability to forget the sight of me laying on my back with legs spread while making goat noises. You too can be this lucky. And don’t worry, this can be adapted to various other animals—like ostriches, hippopotamuses, and bearded dragons. Don’t worry though, you don’t have to bring that kind of role play into the bedroom if it’s not your speed. There’s plenty of places to get ideas, like Lovegasm as one example, and looking through together whilst you come up with some ideas for scenarios can really help spice up the bedroom without the bleeting. Or with it, if that’s your thing. No judgement— You’ve seen my texts after all! Or, alternatively, you could incorporate some m-porn xxx has free porn for days, but that would be too easy…
#7: Fake It Till You Make It
If you still don’t feel comfortable with sexy talk, you can always borrow someone else’s. My favorite resource is Beyonce and Jay-Z’s “Drunk in Love.� Here are a few of my favorite lines (these can be whispered or moaned, to suit the situation):
“Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard, surfboard, surfboard.”
“Baby know I don’t play, now eat the cake, Anna Mae. Said, ‘Eat the cake, Anna Mae!”
“Know I sling Clint Eastwood, hope you can handle this curve, uh.”
If you try just a few of these tips out, I guarantee you will see your relationship bloom into a feeding frenzy of sexual desire. If you’re worried about whether Alex is truly capable of handling my sexual prowess, you can rest assured he’s developed his own set of mating rituals that render me weak in the knees. Just this morning he slapped my bare thigh and as the flab rippled out in concentric circles across my legs, he whispered conspiratorially.
“A Tyrannosaurus Rex is coming.�
What sorts of awkward and seemingly unsexy things do you do with your significant other? Am I the only one who gets excited about obnoxiously waking someone who’s asleep?
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