I’m going to go ahead and apologize, because I can pretty much guarantee there’s going to be something.
I’m leaving for BlogHer14 on Wednesday morning, which will create numerous opportunities for me to traumatize myself or other humans. I’ll either fall on my arse or get lost on the first day and never actually make it to the conference. The Boyfran made me a cheat sheet of all things San Jose but I’m not convinced I won’t somehow end up in Myanmar. I’ve traveled all over the world but I still consult GPS to get to the mall and never remember which lane will spontaneously force me onto the interstate and into a navigational meltdown.
Here are a few things for which I am truly sorry:
1. I probably won’t be washing my hair for the entirety of the conference.
2. I’m a passionate proponent of light packing and will only be bringing a carry-on, which means no razor, which means I’m sorry if you brush up against my legs on Saturday afternoon.
3. I’ll probably be that person in the room who contributes nothing, stays totally silent, and then sees an opportunity to “go there” with the most awkward question or piece of insight imaginable.
In the likely event of an injury, I’m O-Negative, allergic to nothing, and have no existing medical conditions except for that one time when I got malaria in Kenya. Apparently you’re supposed to start taking medication two weeks before you leave. Who knew? Hopefully I wasn’t supposed to be taking any sort of pre-BlogHer meds as well. I already feel incredibly unprepared as I lay in bed without any clue as to where my suitcase is hiding, and look at other bloggers’ photos of their immaculately packed baggage and five dozen shoe choices.
I will be rocking exactly two pairs of shoes for the entire event. I can’t handle the overwhelming sensation of having choices in my life. I’d rather eliminate all other options and remove any competition that would make me second guess myself. Of course, prepping for BlogHer is all about second guessing yourself. I have an entire closet full of dresses and absolutely none of them seem acceptable for this occasion. Everyone else is getting mani/pedi/waxy/tanny and I’m dissolving into an existential crisis on whether I should become the type of person who uses fake tan. This is a very serious situation– my legs are white as the rolled back eyes of a demon possessed child. They’re absolutely blinding and because of them, everyone at BlogHer is going to shun me.
From what I can tell, everyone else is worried about some variation of the same thing. We all think we’re going to show up and be judged against each other for how we look and how we present ourselves. It’s almost as though we aren’t a community of people brought together by words, but I’ll be first to admit there’s something mildly vicious sounding about a building full of thousands of women.
But I’m not going to buy into that.
The truth is– white legs or not– I have the opportunity to immerse myself in a sea of brilliance, amongst women who’ve accomplished more than me and are willing to share their insight into the process. I know some of you menfolk are asking “What about BlogHim?” but the reality is that BlogHer was founded 10 years ago as a response to the acute lack of female voices in the blogosphere. That’s kind of hard to imagine, isn’t it? It shows what can be accomplished by a group of like-minded people who pull themselves together and make a decision to build something. Plus… even though women can be scary, you’ll never catch me saying I don’t absolutely love being one. And scary can be good.
You know what else is exciting? I’ll get to feast my eyes and ears on Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess) and Kerry Washington, who needs to fix my multitude of personal problems. There’s a host of other impressive people like Ariana Huffington, Rev Run, and a slew of literary agents, but I also heard that Khloe Kardashian will be there.
OMG guys. A famous person.
Did you know she’s my celebrity doppelganger? It’s true. People tell me all the fecking time that I look just like her– even though she has brown hair, brown eyes, and a tan (that is probably sprayed on).
I think it’s because I have an incredibly obnoxious voice and an awkward way of speaking, just like her. But if you’re into that sort of thing and are going to be at BlogHer, you’ll get a chance to see this awkwardness in action when Michelle Weber, WordPress editor, interviews me for a WordPress Panel on Saturday at 3:30PM. It should be remarkably painful for everyone involved.
Thankfully, I won’t be facing this tempest of humiliation on my own. I know quite a few amazing people who will be there and I even managed to convince Gunmetal Geisha to be my roommate. I knew we were made for each other the moment she sent me a pre-dawn confession that she’d just stayed up until 5AM watching Season 2 of Orange Is The New Black. To make things even better, she showed up to our first skype video call and said “Oh, sorry, I’m not actually wearing a shirt right now.”
We are going to get along great.
New blog posts will be MIA for about a week but I’ll still be massacring social media with all sorts of inappropriate updates. You can find me on twitter, facebook, or instagram, where I’ll be posting an obscene amount of group selfies, as #Selfiebration is the theme of the conference. I apologize in advance for that as well. I promise to return soon with a new wave of horrifying near-death experiences, shameful dating stories, and magical travels. We have so many amazing things left to talk about.
Lastly, I have to thank all of you one more time for being so freaking awesome and voting for my submission to BlogHer’s Voice of the Year competition– it’s humbling to be the People’s Choice winner, because I know that wouldn’t have happened without you guys. You are, of course, my favorite people.
Are you self-conscious in a large crowd, or when meeting new people? How do you feel about massive groups of women? If you could apologize to the world for something, what would it be?
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