Despite having backpacked through places like Cambodia and being raised by a monster, I’m still routinely thrown off guard by the bizarre and inexplicable behavior of the other humans around me. Sometimes this is a good sort of bizarre and sometimes it is the breed of weird that can only be addressed with a dramatically slow clap or swiftly moving bus. In honor of Thursday, the most mischievous of days, I’d like to share a few recent things with you.
#1: The Battle of the Maxi Pad
Instead of focusing on providing life-saving mental health services, the majority of my coworkers like to build office fortresses or send abusive emails to the entire hospital. This same sort of behavior occurs at the top of the food chain in our bi-monthly executive management meetings. It’s remarkable how much time we can waste arguing over paint samples and shrubberies, but I do appreciate the level of attention given to ensuring we buy quality toiletries for our patients. If there is ever a complaint, our Director of Operations will take the product home to sample and make a decision from there.
Two meetings ago, one of my shrewish coworkers decided to go on a campaign against our sanitary napkins. Feminine hygiene products are already a hot topic, since tampons were banned after a group of girls figured out you could soak them in hand sanitizer and obtain a decent buzz. That doesn’t leave us with a lot of options.
“I tried them,” the Director of Operations said, “and they’re perfectly fine.”
But the shrew wasn’t ready to let it go.
“They’re not thick enough, they look cheap.”
“Trust me, they’re fine.”
I was already well into my social media coma when this conversation began, but I managed to pull myself away from twitter just as she slammed her hands on the table, pushed her chair back and stood up like she was about to start a riot.
“They worked for me, and I have a VERY heavy flow. In fact, I’m wearing one right now, you want to see it? I AM BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG.”
I think it goes without saying that we are all very passionate about our jobs.
#2: Unto This Psych Ward a Child is Born
I couldn’t wait to get back to work after the 4th of July holiday because I’d received a rather peculiar email with the subject line “Baby on Ward 49.” Knowing the poor communication skills of my colleagues, this could have meant practically anything. But lo and behold– there was actually a baby born on one of the wards.
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that I work at a psychiatric hospital where most of our nurses don’t know how to use electronic thermometers.
Apparently the staff had failed to notice this woman had been in active labor for at least 7 hours. They knew she was pregnant but assumed she was lying about how far along she was, and hadn’t scheduled a prenatal visit until July 21st. Earlier that day, she’d complained of stomach and back pain and was given ibuprofen and an icepack.
When I came in to work, I couldn’t stop watching the security footage over and over. You can actually see her reaction when her water breaks, but the staff hardly responded other than to tell her it was just “condensation” from the icepack.
By the time she was in full blown labor, it was too late to get her to an actual hospital. The lights were suddenly thrown on and people were running in every direction. It was after 9PM so there was only one psychiatrist on call. You can see her slowly sauntering up to the patient’s room, where she stood in the doorway for a brief moment before turning on her heel and fleeing the scene.
“I don’t know how to deliver a baby,” she kept saying over and over.
In the end, a mental health tech and an LPN delivered a little blue baby who was not breathing. The LPN refused to set the baby down and just stood there wailing until another psychiatrist from the outpatient clinic showed up, grabbed it, and performed CPR. Both mother and baby are doing well, and family members were called to assume custody.
For the next week, everyone congratulated each other on the baby and made jokes about passing around cigars as though we hadn’t just taken someone’s life and turned it into a massive clusterf*ck.
#3: Chopped Lizard with Cheese
Speaking of mental health, my brother Donyek and his wife Moo were recently in town and grabbed drinks with me and The Boyfran. After a couple beverages, Moo began telling us about a recent trauma she’d experienced after leaving sticky traps out to catch mice. Sticky traps are evil in and of themselves, but it was only made worse when she came home to find a gecko had gotten stuck instead.
“It must have wanted all the shredded cheese I’d sprinkled on it.”
My brother was at work and Moo was afraid the lizard couldn’t wait, so she attempted to rescue it. I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks, but her best intentions did not go well. I’ve no doubt that when she became a mother she never anticipated she’d be standing over a recently amputated lizard just moments before her children were due home.
“I had to put it out of its misery, it was just laying there… next to it’s leg, surrounded by cheese.”
Her heart was in the right place, but her head wasn’t, because the only thing she could find to complete the job was a disposable piece of cutlery
“I needed to be able to throw it all away and pretend like it had never happened.”
Sitting in a dingy bar surrounded by undergrads, I watched as she pantomimed her failed attempts to saw a lizard in half with a plastic knife. There were tears in our eyes as we cringed and laughed at the darkly inappropriate humor and horror of it all and I couldn’t help wondering if we aren’t all a little monstrous on the inside.
#4: Geisha and Ninja Go to BlogHer
I’m sure we’re all tired of hearing about everyone’s BlogHer experiences, but this will give you a whole other side of things. Yes, there are charming locals. Yes, we break the law. Yes, that is a pink bra hanging around my waist. And if that’s not enough to make you want to watch it, you’ll also have the opportunity to see me without makeup AND while I’m making a complete arse of myself. How can you say no to that? You can’t.
What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve discussed in a meeting? Have you ever had to put something out of it’s misery? What horrifying things have you recently witnessed?
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I’ll just go with my two standard answers here:
I worked in a men’s prison and
I work in HR
I probably should just change my user name to that.
Very very true. There is a lot of overlap between my current profession and your former one… and then we all know that HR people see the front lines of so much horror.
Hahahah…
My sister called me in tears because a cat had mortally wounded a baby bird..so she decided to bury it…only it wasn’t completely dead yet and she felt bad about putting it in the ground, so she put it in a plastic easter egg…that was clear…then proceeded to bury an undead baby bird in a tiny crystal casket while crying hysterically.
My family is weird.
Oh my Gosh, this is so dark and terrible.. I am laughing my arse off, you totally just made up for how unbelievably pissed I am at YouTube right now for not uploading our BlogHer video.
HAHAHAHA I think I’m a little bit evil.
Lol. Is it wrong that this made me laugh pretty hard?
Best. Story. Ever.
You made my day! This is so freaking funny. Where is the like buttom? I cannot find the like buttom! stupid work computer
Ha! Okay at least I can feel a little less crazed because someone else finds this all to be amusing. I don’t know if it’s the sinister weather or my lack of sleep but I was just feeling very dark today 😉 And I don’t know what the deal is with the like button… will have to investigate!
Lol what Hector says. I have a rampant urge to *like* this. Typing to you that I like it? Not the same, Ninya, not the same… I don’t have any stories today. Well, only the bad not funny kind. But next week I embark upon several jet planes back to the land of my birth. And (if I ever figure out this freaking formatting malarky) publishing a book and trying to sell it to strangers on public transport, so I’m pretty sure much awkwardness is pending….
Oh gosh, the idea of having to learn to format something for publication… that makes me feel a little panicked and weepy. I couldn’t get my last post to format and ended up pasting it to a text document and starting a new draft. I am VERY smart.
How long are you in the land of your birth? Not forever, right??
Ha, t’aint pretty. I’m getting help. I’m not a texty-formatty type person, my brain stops working.
Nope! 1 delicious month 🙂 I go to wave at family and weep at wedding and party in Thailand on the way back to jet-lag-land! Overexcited!!!
I skipped #1. Why she asks? 🙂 #2 along with so many of your extraordinary experiences finds me, predictably, wondering — why does the woman stay with this gig. Aside, of course, from the fact that it is an never-ending abyss of writing material. And then #3. The first question: Is Moo blonde? And second, is she is a professional position where she interacts with animals or humans on a regular basis?
To the misery question, I did. I actually had to give a vet permission to let my dog go when I saw it guts splayed across the stainless operating table. Granted, I didn’t physically put him out of his misery but being there and having to abruptly say goodbye, was beyond miserable.
I hate thinking about making that decision with my dog 🙁 Hate it. But it is often the right decision. UGH. Growing up in the semi-country (we liked to pretend), I feel like I lost a TON of pets over the years. Maybe that’s why I’m so morbid.
And you are spot on with the never-ending abyss of writing material! Seriously, how am I ever supposed to leave this behind?! At some point I’m sure I’ll need to climb professionally but damn if I won’t collect enough stories to make an entire book before I leave.
And she’s a brunette! A spritely and adorable little thing. Stay at home Mom, so really it’s just her children who she is in charge of. And she reads this blog so I’m sure she will appreciate me outing her for lizard-slaughter.
Okay. I’ll retract my blonde remark about the lizard-slaughterer. She, legitimately has her hands full with considerably greater needs.
So how much of the book is written? Or asked another way, any idea as to the length of your current asylum sentence?
Ha! I’m sure she will be happy to hear that 🙂 And… none of it is written. I have another project to wrap up… but oh you don’t know how badly I want to do this next.
Then make it happen! 🙂
I don’t know what disturbs me more…that nurses would give a pregnant woman ibuprofen or that a medical doctor (psychiatrist) wouldn’t know how to deliver a baby. Did she skip that part of medical school? Oy!
As for my crazy world, well, I live with a 21 month old and 3 year old. Every day is nuts!
I KNOW! And she is fresh from her residency– it hasn’t been that long since she had to deliver a baby in med school! Blows my mind. In a building full of less medically qualified professionals, you’re just going to walk away? I mean at the very least you can help to catch the baby.
And I have no doubt your days are nuts! That’s not much of a gap there!
What a nice post to come back to Aussa!
Thanks for the laugh!
My meetings are usually xrated, thanks god the concept of suing for sexual harassment based on a conversation you find offensive, doesn’t exist in Spain.
3 weeks ago at our “Lake Day” with coworker, the most disgusting and stinky guy on earth got seasick, we went sailing, he tossed his cookies all over coworker’s lap, that’s the most horrifying thing I’ve witnessed lately. And I wish I could have put him out of his misery.
Hahaha okay so sexual harassment isn’t taken so seriously over there? Excellent. It’s funny how there are such huge lawsuits in America and significant resources devoted to training everyone on how to not sexually harass each other but let’s be real– that’s like the benchmark for daily communication in any professional environment.
I think that if someone vomited on me or near me while I was on a boat, I’d go overboard and put myself out of misery.
I once accidentally pulled the tail off a chameleon…
Poor little lizards, having the share this earth with us beastly humans.
It survived though, yes? I’m hoping.
I was once put to the task of beheading a chicken. I was handed a dull axe, said clucker and a bloody chopping block and told to go at ‘er.
I had help, mind you. An eleven year old.
So we got the chicken to the block and managed to actually lay the thing down… and it cringed. I swear to God, its neck completely disappeared. It was all shoulder and head… and its eyes were closed.
We had vegetables for dinner.
Awww! So you let it go on to live out the rest of it’s days?
I simply couldn’t do that. I’m not opposed to eating meat but I can’t even squash a bug, there’s no way I could cut a chicken’s head off unless I was in danger of starving to death.
I did, however, watch a man in china slowly hack away at a chicken that had been living in a box for several weeks… he was the guy who we paid like 50cents a day to watch our motorbikes. I have photos somewhere.
Of him hacking away at a chicken? No thanks.
hehe
No, the owner of the farm cut the chicken’s head off the next day. But thanks to me, it did get to live another day. 😛
I’m a ballet teacher, so our “meetings” are just an excuse to get together and eat a lot. Like, A LOT.
I’ve never given birth (we’ve taken great measures to make our house perilous to children), but I’d like to think that if I saw someone’s water break, I’d freak out immediately. And that I’d know the difference between condensation and someone’s uterus water.
There really ought to be more food at my meetings. After all, meeting rhymes with eating. That makes perfect sense, right? Right.
And seriously… I about lost it at the condensation line. What sort of magical icepack must that have been, I wonder.
And I thought my family was weird. Well they are. Just a different form of weird, plus a monster or two in there too. But your work place, it has me shaking my head in wonderment that any of those people are still alive and breathing. Because my friend. Some of them are just too stupid to live.
And yes I’ve had to put something out of its misery. It wasn’t pleasant and I prefer not to think about it.
All family’s are weird I suppose 😉 This was SUCH an out of character sort of scenario for her, I think that’s what made it even better… and I really have absolutely no idea how these people are still alive/haven’t killed anyone. I wonder this every. single. day.
I would love to be in those meetings. I am sitting in hell, aka Fujifilm USA laughing my ass off. My last meeting went like this. I was apologizing to the children, I mean my co-workers about a post that I made saying among other things my distaste that no one speaks English. I can not be sure if my apology was accepted bc I apologized in English and the co workers only speak and understand Spanish.,…yea no lie,….that is a true story….
Haha wait– you were apologizing about a BLOG post? Is this still going on, where they read your blog?! And also, didn’t that awful woman leave? Madness, Abby, pure madness.
Ohhhh…no. I can’t even tell mine. Suffice it to say there were chickens involved, and some were cannibalistic, and one wasn’t all the way dead…and I was the only one home. I couldn’t do it.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I’m forcing everyone to relive these traumatic memories. I’m so sleepy and the weather is gloomy and I’m evil.
Cannibalistic chickens, eh? I bet those sell for more in the KFC market.
Unfortunately I can’t unsee it. I may have grown up in the woods, but I could not whack that chicken to save my life. Our weather isn’t gloomy but my mood is, so there’s that.
I love your video like frozen crazy (to steel Michelle’s phrase) and I want to dance and drink and laugh with you both. And not in a weird way. In the running-into-strangers-after-hanging-from-bathroom-doors-in-public-way.
Haha! Oh my gosh, I can imagine nothing more fun than pulling all of us together and having no conference but just a bunch of sangria and public restroom scenarios. The ultimate party right there.
All I can hear is someone whaling “But Miss Scaarrrlet, I don’t know nuthin about birthin babies!” What an adventure THAT must have been. So glad the baby and mom are ok….as for your sister-in-law, uhm…I don’t know what to say except “Bless her heart” and your co-worker and the maxi pad is just WHACKED! OMG! Who offers to show THAT??? Ewwww….. great stories all! AND what the hell is the deal with the “Like” button disappearing?? You need to get to the bottom of that with as little stress as possible!! HA HA HA! 😉
You know that in a week I’ll be posting some supreme meltdown post about how I tried to figure out what happened to the like button and in the process I ruined the entire internet and caused a blackout across the East coast.
I *may* be giving myself a bit too much credit with that one 😉
I have to say I am just focusing on gratitude here and I’m glad that there were no maxi pad demonstrations. Did I even have to just go there? Bad Aussa.
‘Condensation?!?!’ When my waters broke they were like Niagra Falls. Mind you, I was offered nothing more than paracetamol too. Maybe my midwife was a former psychiatrist too.
Seriously! I doubt it was just a trickle of liquid. This was her 8th kid so I think that’s why her water just *BOOM* broke all over the place without any prompting.
That’s cool that you used a midwife 🙂
No, I was never a midwife! I was there when my daughter gave birth though. That was cool, but there’s no way I could do that every day.
Of course I am eating dinner at my desk and decided to read this and the topic of periods, tampons, and bleeding like a stuck pig came up.
Somehow, I still have my apetite. Maybe I am a bit warped.
Buahahaha yeah this seriously needs a DO NOT READ WHILE EATING warning at the top… perhaps with an additional “unless you’re a bit of a weirdy” after that for your kind 😉
That is AWESOME. My favorite is the stuck pig. Though the gecko is a close second. I hate those things. They’re unnatural. But, the real question is, did she actually end it all? Or did it die of embarrassment? At my previous job as a teacher, the teachers would walk out over things like, “What should be next year’s Bible verse.” It’s not my fault they picked the FROG acronym and the principal and I thought we should be taking verses out of Revelation. We were the only two guys on staff.
I think she actually managed to end it all. After I posted this, she sent me a photo of it… I hadn’t remembered there was actual photographic evidence. I really like lizards! I’ve always found them to kind of spirited and fun. Until you chop them in half, of course.
That’s funny about them walking out of the meeting– I would totally be thinking plagues and end of times 😉
I have never put something to death, but I have witnessed death in a weird way. I led a field trip to the “inner workings of a hospital” with a group of junior high school students. Our first stop, the elevator stopped. And in was rolled a dead body.
Noooo way. Junior high? That seems a bit dark! Gosh, imagine if that your body (not that you’d know, but still) rolling around frightening adolescents.
This is both amusing and a bit horrifying Aussa. LOL. People are Waaaay interesting. Sometimes in some very puzzling ways.
Amusing and horrifying is exactly what I was going for 😉 Thanks John! I had weird feelings about this post… wondering if I was a total weirdo for even thinking anyone would find it interesting. Well apparently there are plenty of weirdos among us 😉
Weird is the new cool. But it always has been to those who understand. LOL. Good for you for recognizing that as well.
I’ve decided that reading your exploits has opened my world to dark and irresistible places… thank you
Dark and irresistible, I love it 😉 I feel like I just won an award.
There was actually a hilarious-in-a-terrible-way email thread that went around my law school the year after I graduated. A bird had crashed into the windows and been injured, and someone sent out an email asking if anyone would take it to an animal sanctuary to recover. One of the responses thought it might be a better idea to put the bird out of its misery, and suggested a quick curbstomp to do the trick. That didn’t go over well. Details: http://abovethelaw.com/2011/04/sicko-mass-emails-animal-death-fantasy-to-classmates/
Oh my gosh that is most definitely hilarious in a terrible way. I have to confess, I totally laughed. But I would never ever– I can’t even finish that sentence!
My mother ran screaming and dancing around my father’s head in the middle of the night. He woke up, and without his glasses, came out to the kitchen to find the “mouse” she had seen on the floor. Which is when he took his gigantic Shaq sized shoe and smashed it, THEN clicked on the light.
“It’s a weird golden brown color,” he said.
“Oh god. It’s the kids’ hamster,” mom said.
The next morning they told us. I asked him if he buried it.
“Yep,” he said. “As far as I could throw it.”
You’re kidding me, that is so awful! That is absolutely traumatic. Did you know this happened at the time or did they tell you later? Ahhhh poor little hamster 🙁 Though the “far as I could throw it” comment made me giggle. I’m definitely a monster.
I found out in the morning and don’t worry…I laughed now when I think of it. Though of sure back then it wasn’t that funny. We’re all a little dark in the humor department.
Oh thank you so much! My whole life I’ve been saying “Bleeding like a stuffed pig”….I never knew why it never made any sense. Now I do!!
Phew! Thank goodness for Dark Thursday.
Now I need to know what the lyrics are to Blinded by the Light (Manfred Mann)…”wrapped up like a douche?” I’m thinking I’m probably wrong here, too.
(and if you don’t know this song, it just means you’re still young and beautiful!)
“Dark Thursday” I think you just coined that! I think I could totally make it a weekly thing.
I don’t know this song, I’M PRETTY!!!! Just kidding. I might know it, I feel like there’s at least one song I hear every so often and think it includes the word “douche.”
I thought it was “revved up like a douche”?
Also, did you know it was originally a Bruce Springsteen song? Manfred Mann’s version is better known, but it’s a cover.
*puke*
*barf*
*vom*
Are my one word reactions to those three stories. Accompanied by appropriate facial expressions of course.
(The lizard one was the best – my face actually looked like a lizard in response to it.)
I tried to save the best for last 😉 Also because I was afraid that any first time readers would be all “eff this girl, the animal killer” so I tried to draw them in with babies beforehand.
Smart woman.
The weirdest thing at a meeting? How about seriously discussing how to get rid of the boss? Never went too far, but some of the methods, once discussed made us all feel better. My fave was to hire a couple of guys to drop him off in the desert with no clothes and let him walk home. Yeah, he was that great of a boss.
Oh man, he sounds like he must have been an excellent leader… dang. I’ve only had one truly awful boss… C-Nels, the Cowardly Lion.
I do have numerous informal meetings with the intent of getting certain coworkers fired… not the boss though. Yet..
Okay, sticky traps have saved my life. I’ve lost count of the number of snakes I’ve caught on sticky traps in my house. Also, I just asked on my blog “what’s the weirdest thing you’ve heard at work?” and I wondered what you could possibly pick, since your work is so full of fantastic. Maxi pads and labor pains never entered my mind. Touche, psych ward, touche.
Oh my gosh, the weirdest thing.
I sit across the hall from The Goat Man, so I hear all sorts of abominations exiting that man’s mouth… heaven forbid you ever EVER put him down for a job reference. I’ve heard him spin some crazy tales… just because it gets his jollies off.
And snakes on sticky traps sound terrrriiible. And like the work of the devil.
I can’t believe your co workers don’t read your blog. of course if they did they may burn you in effigy. Or worse ….levae sticky traps in your desk drawers for you. may want to delete my comment in case they DO read your blog. just saying.
Dangit, I don’t think my original comment showed up. I was saying they could come up with all sorts of horrifying ideas if they read these comments… then again, maybe I wisened up and deleted it out of self-preservation.
BEST VIDEO EVER, I wish I had been there, oh, yeah, I was, but I seem to have missed the high points! You two are hilarious (hope that was the point).
Gecko story UGH. I am super creeped out by dead anything, I once asked a grocery delivery guy to pick up a dead mouse for me (which he kindly did) so I had to give him a $10 tip.
Haha oh yes, the point was humor. My greatest fear would be that no one got that. Shoot me.
You were so fun! And your picture was amazing, still can’t get over that. You nearly made me pee myself when that popped up.
That’s amazing that:
1. He was willing to do that for you, and
2. You get your groceries delivered?! What is this life?!
Thank you, we think we’re pretty hilarious, and have long discussions about whether others think so too. I’m hoping the giant…em…sculpture Aussa climbs is a giveaway.
Otherwise known as The AusShita Sculpture.
Funny but I was just writing another crappy post, this one about a man jumping in front of my patrol car the other day and pointing hysterically. Long story short, he thought a woman was in labor and then so did I. It reminded me of a time many years ago when I helped deliver a baby in some woman’s apartment because WHERE THE FUCK IS THE AMBULANCE!!? Anyway, there was a lot of pain and yelling and crying and OMG her vagina is getting soooo…oh gross, the head?? Is that the head!! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE AMBULANCE???!! The boy lived and I met him for the first time a couple of months ago. He’s a nice 13 year old kid.
That’s soooooo cool. In a gross, bloody sort of way, of course.
Your posts are never crappy, Don! Pssshhh and that’s amazing that you were there for that kid’s inopportune birth, I love it. I so badly want to witness a birth, even if it’s “gross” hahaha
Steph–sticky traps for SNAKES?? Wouldn’t they just continue slithering while WEARING the sticky trip? I need to know more about this…
As for horrifying things I’ve witnessed: I once found a LIQUIFIED mouse that had been caught in a trap quite a while before. I can usually dispose of these critter corpses, but the runny-ness just…discouraged me. My 15 year old son had to do it. (and it had to be SCRAPED off the floor, if that helps you understand the situation a bit). Ugh.
Yes. But they are much less mobile and easier to catch. Or kill with a sword, whatever.
I have a photo of The Boyfran holding a machete, trying to kill the mouse I had in my laundry room for a while. I wouldn’t have allowed him to do this except for the fact I highly doubted he was going to be successful.
Ha! I think I was freaking out about the snake and my oldest came running with a giant sword. It did the trick though.
Oh my gosh, I’m so glad that I was too lazy to cook dinner tonight because there is no way I’d have an appetite after reading that :-/ Rotten mouse juice? That beats anything I just said here, I think.
And you’re way more clever than me– it didn’t even occur to me to wonder about the slithering snake sticky trap issue.
Somehow, I managed to combine those stories in my mind to a completely different scenario where a woman gave birth to a lizard who ate a bloody maxi pad. Then, I realized I was just letting my imagination get the best of me and had to re-read the whole thing. Thank you for making me feel better about my crazy co-workers who come in the office on their day off to advertise new girlfriend, who we will never see again … just like all the others. And, show on off their latest corvette donning license plate “I8A4RE.” (I will wait for that one to sink in … serious mid life crisis.)
Okay, see that makes perfect sense to me and is exactly how I see these scenarios as well. They all just sort of melt together…
And WOW your coworker sounds like a real winner. And I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that I had to think about that tag for a while before figuring it out.
Ya, my coworker is a stereotypical egomaniac cop persona. He is a real jerk. 24/7 (No worries on figuring it out — I had to stand in the parking lot staring at the license plate with my head turned to one side sounding out, OUT LOUD, to get it.)
Most of our meetings are just about who fingered who in the bar opposite our office.
AAAH hahahaha that sounds like way more fun than we have here. Not that I want to know about who any of these people finger… sick.
I grew up raising livestock, and my father was an avid hunter, so I have witnessed the murder of many hapless critters. I still geek out over glue traps, though. We had them in a warehouse where I worked for seven years and caught a grand total of three rats (even during the worst rat infestation I have ever seen) and once the rat knows it’s stuck, it will scream bloody rat-murder until someone intervenes. Gross. And whatever they stick to is just through (the traps, not the rats). I ran over one with a pallet-jack and ended up having to replace the wheel. Once during quarterly inventory, a woman who worked in the office was helping count stuff and got one stuck to her sweater, which was old, so she didn’t really mind having to throw it away, but my boss the diplomat told her “Just be glad you didn’t get your hair stuck in it”. She turned kind of pale, and I felt sorry for her.
I thought the alcohol/tampon story was an urban legend. And if it wasn’t, how did they catch them?
I will have to seek additional details on the tampon discovery– when I worked on the wards I never understood why they wouldn’t let them have them… but we do have people who drink the hand sanitizer no matter what we do… alcohol free, foam, there’s no way to stop it.
And woah to the sticky traps. I’ve never actually seen one but that sounds like an incredibly cruel thing you could do to someone… have you seen the movie “The Counselor?” They have this device they can run by and stick on someone’s neck and it tightens until they’re decapitated and there is absolutely no way to stop it until it’s done it’s job…. I feel like the sticky trap sounds a lot like that. You could just walk up to someone on the street and stick five of them on their head and run away.
If a rash of sticky trap assaults break out across the country, it’s not my fault. I just have good ideas.
Ahhmahgahhh! Julie deneen and I made it into gunmetal geishas video! I’m so happy to have loaned one of my supercool dance faces for the cause. I only wished id been there to scale walls and parkour. DAMN IT!!
That’s one of my favorite shots of the whole of video!
(You and Julie dancing)
Heck yeah you did! I wish we’d gotten more footage of people dancing, actually… there was some good material that night 😉 And as much as I’m a Ninja, GG was most definitely doing the majority of ninja moves that weekend.
I used to work with juvenile felony offenders. Conversations included masturbation (kids not staff), poop (kids not staff), illegal smoking (staff not kids), my boobs (both).
And you say you don’t have stories to share?!?! DANG!
😉
i ‘tapped’ a deer with my car once. i freaked out and it shook its head and hopped back into the woods.
This is like my worst nightmare. There is one particular highway that I’ve driven on a few times when returning from a roadtrip and it goes through “deer country” and I think I experience more anxiety in those 50 miles or so than I do in a period of 6 months. I’m so glad your deer survived!
“I had to put it out of its misery, it was just laying there… next to it’s leg, surrounded by cheese.”
Wow.
A squeamish friend of mine has a derpy dog who chomped on a pigeon.
I am a well know +animal fixer” and the dumbass who will attempt to bottle fed and rehab any creature on the planet. Everyone knows this….the list of patched and repaired boarders on amazing.
Pigeon was NOT going to make it. I decided to end its suffering JUST AS my very sensitive friend came around the back yard hedge.
Pigeon’s necks make an audible snap. So does a woozy friend hitting the deck.
I love that you are an animal rescuer. I was once late to work because I needed to stay with a baby bird that was figuring out how to fly. There are cats around my neighborhood and I just couldn’t handle the thought of something happening to it… the circle of life reduces me to tears.
Hmmm, well, our two cats jumped the hamster which had gotten out of its cage, and I found them at the bottom of the stairs with the corpse in the morning. It was sad. I was sad and threw it out in the garbage. When the kids came down for breafast I had to tell them. The little girl insisted that she see the hamster so I had to fish it out of the garbage. Then she wanted a funeral, so we got a shoe box and called all her friends and I dug a little grave on the back yard. We had a nice little service, said a prayer and buried the hamster. It was all done in the most civiilzed manner. I suspect not all rodents get such attention.
Your video with GG is awesome Aussa! And you gave us a pillow fight – what a treat! Ha! Well done. Great to see what BlogHer actually looked like – the shot of the two of you filming each other is hilarious. You are a showbiz natural.
That is absolutely horrifying. Every so often I think very seriously about getting a cat… but I am afraid of a similar thing happening with my dog and I really don’t think I could recover from that. How sad that she wanted to see the hamster 🙁 I am glad it got a proper burial though… I think that’s a big way that children learn about death. At least it was for me. Ha.
And thanks! Yeah GG gets full credit for the pillow fight idea hahahaha and I agree– I laugh every time I see the filming each other part because it happened entirely by accident. Most of the video did, really.
OMG that is far more info than anyone needs about a menstural cycle lmao My work is top heavy with male bosses. A unlikely experience… Oh & I work in a men’s prison. But I’ve heard tampons at the women’s prison can be useful for suicide attempts instead. Swallow & expand… The prison I’m working in is converting to a women’s centre, but I’ve got parole in 2 weeks 😉 all in good time. There’s been a lot of threats of poo throwing lately. I don’t want to see that shit!! Haha
Ha, yes we endure some poo throwing over here as well. That’s interesting about the suicide option with tampons… I may have to google that, I haven’t heard of that happening. *knocks on wood*
So does parole mean you’re leaving the job? Hopefully that’s a good thing. Are you tired of jail break jokes yet? Ha..
LOL at Michele’s comment.
But OMG my mom would use glue traps and she refused to ever take them out if there was a mouse because the sight of mice makes her puke (weird, right?) and since I’m apparently fearless, I would pick up the trap with the live mouse and put it next to my mom on the couch (I was a teenager) and she’d SCREAM and cry and tell me I was a horrible daughter.
WORTH IT
I know! So funny and terrible.
And you basically sound exactly like the teenager I hope to never have.
I was actually a very good teenager. Didn’t even lose my first kiss until I was almost 19. And I was in all AP and honors classes, did my chores, etc.
That was one of my ONLY quirks lol
Why am I not surprised that you know a person named Moo.
Ha! And related to 😉
Only through marriage.
“And I got more food”. Dude, that would have just been my name tag! I honestly saw 8 min video and was like “I won’t watch all of that, it’s too long!” And at the end I was all “No!! It’s can’t be over! I need more!!”
Haha, I’m so glad you liked it! And I already miss food appearing on buffet stands every time I turn a corner.
I know! We couldn’t help the length, there was just sooo much.
And quite a few people complained about the food… but I was quite happy with it. Obviously.
Ahhhh your blog is always oone of my favorites. You make me laugh out loud.
Aw, thank you!!
That video is gold..GOLD I tell you!
Um..yes I have had to perform a mercy killing, it was a day in the park and the little mole had been stepped on by the people ahead of me (I’m sure – not really – that it was done accidentally), I had to finish the job and it wrecked me to do it. Grabbed a nearby stick and clocked it in the head. *sniff* That sucked…more for the mole ..but for me too.
I feel the need to respond to (and thank) everyone who watched the video, since it took ten years off my life to edit and upload (boring but torturous tech problems). So thank you!
I can vouch for the truth of this statement.
Wait a second, people stepped on a mole and didn’t realize it? I’ve never seen one but aren’t they basically like underground beavers or something? I can’t imagine stepping on an animal and not realizing it… and that’s so sad that you had to do that :-/ But also quite compassionate.
It sucked… and yeh I couldn’t believe they just left it there in the path to die. Poor thing couldn’t move.
Your like button is gone. I like your video. You work with some odd people. I’ve worked in various group homes for developmentally delayed adults. I once saw a shit made by a human female that was so wide it could stand straight up and down in the toilet bowl and so tall it peeked over the lid. I had to cut it up with a steak knife in order for it to flush. I threw the steak knife away.
When were kids a friend of our parents used to take us to a slaughter house. We were allowed right on the killing floor. That is the stuff of nightmares. But we kept going back.
I just took a bite of yogurt with blueberries in it and I can’t finish reading your comment. I’m not even looking at the screen as I type this.
That is disgusting.
And super weird about the slaughterhouse… sounds like the premise to a horror movie. So does the first part of the comment, actually.
A giant poop injected with life force becomes a tortured soul,. Addicted to sadism he takes a job at the local slaughter house to feed his pain. But he does find love. Oh yes he does.
I will try to make my next comment less gross. I hope.
We recently had a staff meeting where our boss, who is also a choir director at her husband’s (the pastor) church, was trying to teach the importance of teamwork and responsibility. She started to tell us that when people did not show up for choir practice or did not listen to her when she tried to direct them, it made her very angry. She then decided that it would be better to demonstrate her strange analogy and she told us she wanted us to sing a song as she directed us. We all looked at her in disbelief, sure she was just kidding. She became furious at our non-compliance and threw some chalk she was holding at the employee sitting nearest to her and yelled, “Sing “Row Row Row Your Boat!” NOW! I’m NOT kidding!” So, we all had to sing the song (in a round) as she pointed to each person – I’m still trying to figure out how that demonstrated teamwork or responsibility.
That is how a cult is born.
Jana.
That is…
I don’t even know.
It needs to be it’s own blog post. You’ve talked about her before but WOW. At first I was going to comment on how annoying it is when someone can’t communicate at all without talking about their personal life or former job as an analogy. But then this just got way too bizarre. It seems like something out of a BBC comedy.
You have the next GEICO ad: Sometimes accidents happen when all you want is a snack.
Hahahaha! That’s so horrible. And hilarious.
Oh, and once at work, a secretary fainted. The able bodied staff, ALL MEN, called a nurse. Which would have been appropriate if they weren’t all doctors. At the World Health Organization. (Be afraid. Be very afraid. Can you say Ebola?)
That is terrifying. Also: I’ve informed all my trusted coworkers that if I am ever injured or unconscious at work they are to immediately take me to a real hospital and not let any of our nurses or doctors come near me.
Perhaps you need that on a tattoo.
And the docs were specialists. When I gave them grief (for YEARS) one assured me he would have been able to help if she’d only had malaria. He went to the front of the line for shit recipients.
I seriously can’t get over that baby delivery story. And the gecko… I saw a rat fall down a chimney into a fireplace — into a burning fire. It was horrifying.
I don’t know if I should laugh or cry that you’ve chosen to include our video among this list!!
Needs more pillow fighting. (I had to say that. Even though I’m too old for such a comment and I should know better, I really felt compelled. Pillow fighting more please. I blame Aussa. Of course.)
Haha. You’re the first person I’m revealing this to, but Aussa and I might have a dance off video in the works.
Then I shall postpone my suicide.
Oh good, for once my procrastination will save a life.
Hahaha. Very clever. I will asses my will to live after this dance off. You may not be out of the woods yet.
Noooo that is awful! Ugh, no.
The video is a good argument for spending one’s entire life drunk.
To be fair, we pulled our goofiest stunts without a drop of alcohol. Not for lack trying, believe me, but there was a sad shortage of booze at the conference.
Hahahahaha Miep I feel like that would make an excellent tagline for a lot of the things I produce in this world.
Wow. These tales got progressively more horrifying. Well, the baby one is pretty awful and appalling. Maybe more so than the lizard who “just laid there, next to its leg and some cheese.”
What have I witnessed that was horrifying? Well, I did see a woman pee in public in a Korean flower market, kind of just let it all run down her legs, didn’t even bother to squat. That was pretty tragic…
Cheers! LOL
Oh my gosh that is absolutely tragic. Did she not realize what was going on? Maybe she had just read a really funny BuzzFeed article. I mean, it happens to the best of us right? (why are you shaking your head?)
On that same note– I saw a little boy, maybe 8 years old, taking a dump on a piece of cardboard in China, right next to the place I was eating. That’s what you just made me think of. Thanks for that.
Well now you’ve reminded me of the numerous amounts of human feces I saw while strolling through the alleyways of Venice, so THANK YOU!
Chopped lizard with cheese sounds like the best. Thing. EVER! That video was awesome! But even better than that (sorry if someone already mentioned it) was the Goat Simulator video that begged to be clicked after your video ended. OH, and the semi-hot random hippie that may or may not have been high. Seriously, he screwed up the lyrics to a Doors’ song! Tell me that doesn’t just reek of bong water! LOL
PS- You and Geisha ROCK! :)1)
You are hilarious with your perfect description of Gavin, our Doors guy! In fact, he pulled out some sealed medical marijuana right there on the street and schooled us on the law: “The cops don’t bother with you if you aren’t with wanted people, and you two don’t look wanted by the law.”
Ha! Okay I saw that Goat Simulator popped up as a suggest video after. It’s like YouTube is reading my blog and knows what sorts of things we’re all into!
Looks like you guys had a ball at the BlogHer conference, well done!!
As for work, that’s way awkward. Nothing like that ever happens at my work place. I just get hit with the fact that I have boobs so therefore my brain is non-functional.
That sounds gloriously frustrating. Of all the random things, that’s one I don’t have to deal with too much (unless it’s from other women) because my field seems to be dominated by women. That is both a good and bad thing.
I just noticed – You got 99 comments and… Nah, forget it; I just can’t!!
Does it count that I rented Stigmata from the video store to watch with a friend & we almost had enough booze to make it watchable? THAT was tragic yet ultimately hilarious (with booze, I mean)
PS – Sorry, it’s the wine talking.
Oh I just love it when wine starts talking 😉
I have never had a normal job, much less ever a normal staff meeting. Once killed a mouse with a tin of cherry pie filling- was getting a lecture from my boss, saw the mouse, bowled the can down the store room and spattered mousey up the wall, my boss glanced at the mess and kept on giving me shit. Had a customer ask for a large Deli container, my dim cousin “Me”refused to give the desparate pregnant woman a container unless she bought something, the woman puked all over the deli case, the baguettes,Mel, the A.T.M….Great post, I could go on all night.l
Haha! Who refuses a pregnant woman anything– but especially a container to puke in? Who refuses ANYONE a container to puke in? That’s something we should all be willing to give.
And that’s horrifying and disgusting about cherry pie bowling the mouse to death.
That was me and I probably could never bowl pie filling ever again. I heard that in prison women smoke Tampax to get high, is it true?
Ha!!! I have never heard of someone doing that! Is it because of the bleach/other chemicals?! How weird.
I took a patient to the ER once and she picked up all the cigarette butts on the sidewalk and made her own cigarette. I asked her to stop, but she didn’t, so I just watched. Totally enthralled.
So… I was thinking of some things to comment on about the post you wrote but then I watched the video. Yup, completely forgot what I was going to write. I think you two probably had more fun than should ever be allowed. 😀
I think my comment was something along the lines of, looking for the best way to make something stop being efficient? Just add humans, lol.
I know, it’s kind of an all over the place sort of post– woops!
And yeah I think we had way more fun than a conference attendee is expected… we’re just overachievers like that.
Tomcat Fightback has a penchant for squirrels- half dead one on the back door – had to drown the poor little bugger
Ugh that’s terrible. Zola loves squirrels but thankfully she’s too lazy to totally catch them. Or maybe she’s secretly a pacifist.
Hilarious video, Aussa and Geisha. You guys had fun. It was very entertaining to watch. I missed the turd sculpture. Where was that?
My clown heart is happy you were entertained. And where were YOU? Please don’t tell me we met, hung out and I didn’t know it was you and instead took you for a random cool person, because I will go and commit suicide off the turd sculpture. (Which was located one block over and across from the Marriott.)
I was there for my son’s Junior Olympics, so I didn’t actually attend BlogHer. Once the games started it was impossible to get away, because we traveled to games and were there the whole day. Oh poop! Please don’t jump off that turd. 🙂 I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you. I would have laid on a table with you and danced in the halls.
Oh it was that big swirly thing I climbed up on top of… apparently it was supposed to be a snake but I think the artist was just hiding a fetish.
Okay, I was watching that video in office, and didn’t realize there was a HUGE crowd behind me, including the big bitchy boss. Now I’m screwed. Much like the amputated lizard. Luckily I had earphones on, so nobody heard you guys say crazy shit!
Hahahaha! I guess that’s the perfect silver lining for this entire situation– at least there was no volume! How funny.
When it finally uploaded to youtube yesterday I totally got up and shut the door so no one could walk in. Way too risky. Haha
Oooh, poor gecko, and they’re already so soft and stuff. But I have a tip for next time. Those sticky pads have a glue that will release it’s grip with the application of a little oil, Olive oil or whatever, then you can gently pull them out of the mess with limbs in tact…you’re welcome. I’m not sure you want to hear any of my stories of helping about animals shuffle off their precarious mortal coil…there’s a lot. I watched that video and laughed like a hyena on acid, honestly, you two are freaking hilarious!!! I adore self-deprecating and you both do it with such elegance, you’re like a moving Picasso. Bravo! Bellissimo! Bellissimo!
Once again, you get the intended humor, Red, and that makes me happy. Also, the gecko — it kills me and I’ve had to sift through these comments seeking only the word “video” because I can’t bear to read all the awful things people have witnessed happen to animals. (Of course, I added one of my own…)
I chose not to contribute to the pantheon of horror stories but I don’t blame anyone for doing so…at least you’re horrified by your own story, that’s gotta be healthier than not flinching at anything anymore, right?
…and yep, I gets youse, alright…
Huzzah! I’m glad you got that it was self-deprecating 🙂 I think a few people out there have not quite caught onto that.
AND OMG about the oil. I’m going to text my sister in law right now. This information could save lives.
…and legs…
Aussome, I think your patented brand of humour is so underrated that those fail to get it, never will. Ever tried explaining ironic to someone who doesn’t get irony?Tricky! Anyway, I love your shiz!
Thank you REDdog 🙂 I always love hearing from you. Even if you are a lesbian.
Awww, poor lizard! I like lizards.
About 2 years ago, the local news reported a new trend among teens… soaking tampons in vodka and inserting them to get drunk fast without all the hassle of having to actually, you know, drink. Male teens were doing this as well… I’m sure I don’t have to spell out where they were shoving the tampons…
My biggest question is how do you even insert a tampon that’s ALREADY soaked in liquid. I mean, I’ve seen what a wet tampon looks like and it’s never struck me as particularly insertable?! (I mean my biggest question other than the obvious WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO SUCH A THING?!).
I think this is a prime example of “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” That being said…….. a very curious part of myself wants to more thoroughly investigate an answer for you. Just for research purposes, of course.
I sat through 30 minutes of a meeting discussing what colour pens to use when marking children’s books.
When my sons cat got run over we took it the vet, she told us she would have to put it to sleep – then asked if we wanted to stay there while she did the deed.
My wife accidentally trod on a lizard breaking one if it’s little legs. It scarpered up the wall and we had to spend the rest of the evening watching it going around in small circles on the ceiling.
Oh that’s so sad about the lizard. Something like that is enough to ruin my entire night… I found a teensy little lizard in a hole I was digging while gardening and it basically ruined the flower bed because I was too terrified to do any digging because I knew I was one faulty move away from cutting one of God’s creatures in half.
“Like” (in the absence of a “like” button) 🙂
Poor widdle gecko 🙁 Guess those traps really are sticky, huh?
Unfortunately all the meetings I’ve ever been in have been all business. Even when I worked in Germany and had no clue what was going on, it certainly looked like there was a lot of work being done 🙂
Apparently they are insanely sticky, based on Doug in Oakland’s comment! They could be used in battle.
You attended German staff meetings? That sounds fun… I sometimes feel like my coworkers are speaking a different language while I’m sitting there, lost.
The video? Pure genius. Also, I’m still a bit shocked that a psychiatrist totally ran from a patient giving birth. At the very least he/she could have called 911 or something. Wow.
I can’t fathom that insane baby-delivering story either, but on some level, I’m not too surprised by the incompetence. I thought the nurse ran away, not the psychiatrist? I refuse to go look because I’m horrified by those three stories!
So glad you liked the video…
I did. You guys are hilarious.
I’ll have to go back and look, but the time disparity between when they turned the lights on (realizing she was in labor) and then when the baby was born and THEN when paramedics finally showed up was like an hour and a half. And the normal hospital is seriously about 3 blocks away.
I don’t know about everyone else, but “call 911” is pretty much the first thought that’s going to be on my mind if I ever see a baby coming out of a woman.
Right? I mean, I’m definitely not equipped to catch a baby, so having someone on the phone who can talk me through it only makes sense.
OH! And running away from the patients is something that almost all of our doctors are REALLY good at.
At this point you need to install your own secret cameras. We do like video, after all.
I would like to work there someday! Not. :p And I can’t wait to watch the video later because I can’t right now since, as you might have already guessed, I’m reading this at work. 😉
*gasp* You’re reading blogs while at work?! tsk tsk tsk 😉
I have seen rats being ‘harvested’ after their experiment was over. All the stuff pharma companies say about how they do it in a humane way kinda goes out the window when you see scientists cutting off their legs while the poor things are still twitching. Yes, there was anesthesia involved but it was horrifying to watch. Then they said, ‘hey Jane you get to cut the legs off next time,’ and I sad, “HELL to the NO.” Not my thing.
Oh my gosh, no. Why? Why would they cut off an animals legs? I don’t understand.
I remember a friend of mine was doing research on naked molerats (that’s a thing right? I didn’t just make that up?) and they would mark them by cutting off different toes… it was some elaborate numbering system. Sounds kind of evil to me.
It was a study on osteoporosis, they wanted the leg bones. They do anesthesia, then break the neck, then cut off the legs, throw it in a bucket. And this is the humane way.
Yea, naked mole rats exist. I haven’t heard of cutting off toes. I HAVE heard of scientists, CURRENT academic scientists who don’t want to mess up the results with anesthesia, who go without and just spin the rats around a bit by their tails so they’re dizzy first. Dizziness has never really had a numbing effect on me…
Aussa, it’s been an adventure going through these comments hoping to avoid reading the horror stories but not miss the word “video!”
Haha! That’s where Control>F comes in handy!
Oooh, what’s that? Some sort of a “find” command? How come I did not know about this before?! Any other nifty techie secret you can throw out there?
Okay, that was just a tease. It doesn’t do anything… Sigh.
oh my gosh, yes. Hit Control and then F and you can type in a word to find in an entire page/document. It’s incredible and probably the only reason I ever graduated from college.
I watched my dog die when I was about 6 or 7. Dunno if that counts. She strangled herself in the fence. I will tell the full story on The Dragon’s Lair.
That is horrible 🙁
You asked. :/
ive been hospitalized a few times..some places shitty some good..some people shiity in good places and vice versa..glad you are a good one yo.
one more month of summer then over!!! YAY!!
You’re excited about summer ending?! Winter is more horrifying than all of these stories.
And I hope hope hope that in the future there will only be good places for people to go inpatient when they need it. And that all these weirdos stop applying because no one hires them.
i live in texas yo. (for now still at least)…the summers are horrendous..thats why cant wait to end.. 🙂
you having a good summer right?
Oh that is true… But yes, summer has been glorious! I wouldn’t mind a 4 month Autumn.
Not gonna comment about the blog post, so I’m moving on to the video. First of all, who put that together? It was awesome! Secondly, how did you get Joe Biden to sing to you, shirtless? And lastly, you know ….the men who read your blog are playing that pillow fight over and over and over, and … well, you get the drift.
I edited the video — I’m the other one in the duo. I’m so glad you didn’t comment on the blog post because I’ve been nauseous all morning attempting to find and respond only to the video comments through the mine field of gross things people have witnessed.
“Gavin” spontaneously sang for us, and the pillow fight was shockingly, a man’s brilliant idea (incidentally, another Gavin). We ran with it because it was too irresistible of a cliché to ignore.
Heya Geisha Girl, no gross things to post that I’ve witnessed. I couldn’t even make one up as crazy as Aussa’s stories. Thanks for responding. You did a great job with the video, and it doesn’t surprise me that a guy came up with the pillow fight. But, are you sure that shirtless guy wasn’t Joe Biden? Hee, hee.
I’m sure only because the shirtless guy was more charming than Joe Biden, haha.
Gunmetal Geisha did it! She is an editing genius. HILARIOUS about Joe Biden, yesssssss
And I know there is a weird sexual thing with pillow fights for some reason but I can’t see that as being sexy, especially as my ratty hair goes flying in orbit around my double chin.
I don’t know. I hated hated hated staff meetings. My last principal asked me to sit at the back as he was always afraid he would finally break down at my attempts to make him laugh. 🙂
I think I might need to write an entire post dedicated to meetings. I attend about a thousand per week, which is probably why this place is such a disaster. Who can accomplish anything when they’re constantly running to meetings?
You two need your own show; that’s better than anything on the CBS lineup this fall. I can’t unread about the lizard. I liked your turquoiseish nail polish, not unlike the border I’m looking at right now at the bottom of this blog. You gals have no shame; stomping about on turds, talking to shirtless overtanned coots (speaking of mental hospitals), going fetal on a circular table, projecting sadness in the solitude of sitting on steps near a vacant escalator, and whipping your hair like one of Will Smith’s kids.
This is the most succinct comment I have ever read.
Yes, we are shameless. Indeed.
I can’t believe the discussion about sanitary pads. Your co-workers are stupid!
I haven’t had any weird discussions at meetings, luckily. But I once had to put a bug out of it’s misery because it had been walked upon and was still alive, but in pain and had lost some of it’s legs. I felt really bad about that, and rats are my favorite animals, so I guess I could never set out mouse traps or anything even similar. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, same with the lizard! (Gotta admit I laughed a little, too.)
It’s so horrible to laugh at, but also kind of natural I suppose. I haaaate squashing bugs. I can’t help but picture their tiny little skeletons and nervous systems crunching down upon themselves… yuck. And sad.
I need to blog about the huge grasshopper I told my dog to attack because it scared me. That took me like a week to get over.
Hilarious! We’ve discussed condoms at a work meeting. I work in the music business. I also once worked in HR for a very large company and a manager called to tell me his ex-wife was outside with a shotgun…should he lock the doors? Umm….yeah.
Have you blogged extensively about your bosses? Or maybe you are too smart to do that… but I know you have some truly crazy stories, based on the comments you’ve left!
Well, I am starting to slowly incorporate some posts in about my former bosses….without drawing too much attention to who they could be. Trying to be creative about it, as former co-workers read. But now that I just typed that…what the h-e-double hockey sticks to I care?!
Buahahaha I haven’t heard “H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks” in so long, it makes me want to look at unflattering photos of me from when I was in middle school.
*do* I care
Hilarious, as always! Love the meeting discussion — too funny! We once had a spirited debate in our budget-cutting session about 1-ply vs. 2-ply — with the anti-1-ply contingent insisting that people would simply use TWICE as much 1-ply toilet paper to achieve the maximum effectiveness offered by the more expensive 2-ply! Honestly, people were so passionate about their tushy tissue, I thought a riot would break out!!
Oh my gosh, hilarious. I’m apt to think that’s probably true about just using more 1-ply to compensate… and I know no one cares for my opinion, but can I just say I’m not that huge on fancy toilet paper? I have friends who order that shiz from Dubai and it’s made out of fleece or something. Not really. But quilted northern is all the fancy I need.
What were we talking about?
Well, my sister and I took our dog for a walk yesterday, and the experience was absolutely traumatic. First, we walked by a family with small kids. They asked if the kids could pet her, and we said, “Sure, she’s very sweet.” Then, of course, she started barking and jumping when she was within a foot of the little kids. And then we were trying to find a path that our dad had told us about, but we ended up walking through a private driveway. And then the owner showed up.
Suffice to say, I now refuse to take our dog for a walk again while we’re staying here.
On god, that poor lizards. Sadly the closest I’ve come to seeing an animal put out of his misery is a rat that was apparently beaten to death with a brick. And then left outside by the curb for days. I feel like this doesn’t really count, since the person who put him out of his misery was likely the one that caused it.
Oh sick, how could someone do that with a brick? Yuck. I’ve seen rats the size of small dogs while traveling overseas… I think it would take a car to even begin the process of killing such an animal.
And aside from frightening children, I say walk your dog and do it with swagger because you’re clearly a rebel and a troublemaker. Own it.
Yep. I think there were also rumors of gang activity at the end of the street. This was all soon after we moved in, of course. What a good way to welcome a family to the neighborhood. But other than that, our street is really quiet. You hardly ever see anyone outside, much less interact with them. In retrospect, this may have contributed to the gang rumor. Of course, there is random screams that we often hear from the next street over. They don’t seem to be frightened ones, but I still worry that one day a serious crime will happen and we won’t end up calling the cops.
That psychiatrist must have been channeling Butterfly McQueen in “Gond With the Wind,” “I don’t know nothin/ ’bout birthin’ babies.”
Funny observations, Aussa. Glad you and Geisha had a great time at BlogHer. It looks totally worthwhile. 😉
It was definitely worthwhile! Not what I thought it would be, but way more fun and it definitely supercharged my motivation.
1) Thanks to you, I’m now turned on to the CTRL+F function. Gracias.
2) Thanks to this post, I’m now following Gunmetal Geisha. Muchas gracias.
3) Where did you find that harpsichordy version of “People Are Strange”? Loved it!
4) I was wondering what to blog about next; after reading this post, I’m going to get to work on the story of the night I spent in a psych ward. While it was an unforgettable night, there were no babies born or who’s-menstruating-the-heaviest contests…so you win. And I understand more than ever why the city of San Jose builds structures in your honor…even poo-shaped ones.
5) This wasn’t “funny” when I was 10, but…we had a Siberian husky when I was a kid that lived a good full life and then one day he was completely lethargic. Wouldn’t raise his head or get up or anything. The day my parents brought him in to put him down I refused to go with them and spent all afternoon riding my bike, trying not to think about it. When I finally came home late, I asked them what had happened. They told my siblings and I that the dog had hundreds of tumors all over his body (which was true) because we hadn’t taken him for enough walks (which was not).
6) Telling that story just made me realize I have 3 f’ed up putting-dogs-to-sleep stories. Sad, true. But also–there’s ANOTHER blog to write after the psych ward story! I spent a few minutes on your page and am suddenly ripe with new ideas. Aussalorens.com may be the most fertile blog on Earth–even Gaia is casting you envious sideways glances!
1. I can see your face!
2. Control F is amazing. I gave bad instruction to GG though because she’s on a mac (I am too so I don’t know what that’s about) and it’s Command>F!
3. Definitely follow GG. She is a thinker of deep thoughts.
4. Her friend recorded that song for us! She is well connected with talented people.
5. You should link me to your post about the night in the psych ward, I would love to read it.
6. YOUR PARENTS TOLD YOU IT WAS YOUR FAULT YOUR DOG DIED?! WHAT THE HELL! Consequently, this triggers a childhood dog dying story I may need to write.
7. And huzzah!!!! Yes, keep those ideas coming, I love it.
Well great, thanks! And thanks to Aussa as well. I like that you call my friend Andre’s People are Strange “harpsichordy,” because that’s what he calls it. I was concerned that it sounded too MIDI. We asked him if he would make a comedic riff on the song once we’d come across Gavin the Shirtless singing it. He sent something back the next day with harpsichord and bongos.
I’m not saying I believe in a higher power or intelligent design. But I am saying the fact that that dude’s name is “Gavin” is so exponentially beyond perfect forces me to seriously consider a higher power…one whose heaven contains choirs of angels playing harpsichords and bongos. Alternatively, this same deity’s hell is full of demons speaking in grammatically incorrect tongues while playing disembodied shirtless bellies in lieu of bongos…
HA!!! Delayed reaction because this comment was put in spam– Why WordPress, why?! Why do you do this to me?!
I cannot find the Like button in this hilarious teal labyrinth so here *LIKE*.
Buahahaha thank you! 🙂
“It must have wanted all the shredded cheese I’d sprinkled on it.”
Tell sister-in-law that peanut butter works MUCH BETTER. Okay? I’m not sure why the “mice love cheese” myth persists– it probably came before George Washington Carver successfully promoted peanuts and peanut butter. My experience was not scientifically rigorous, but, seriously, the silly little field mice invading our fourplex apartment and our house– they went for the peanut butter, every single time.
I have no idea if geckos like peanut butter. Please get back to me on that, but I assure you, the mice I’ve dealt with absolutely love peanut butter.
That’s also what I used when attempting to catch a mouse I recently had… it was too clever (and the peanut butter drove my dog too crazy) so I eventually just put out poison and that took care of it. I was a little bummed though because I was hoping I could use the entire scenario as a way to justify getting a kitten.
We’ve used De-con was well.
Having cats for mousers is tough. My dad’s cat loves hunting birds and mice. but just plays with them (often still alive) and makes grand messes. I’m not sure if most housecats do that well. More “feral” farm cats do but they’re never terribly sociable.
Nothing too big that I couldn’t just flush and forget, Aussa. Thankfully.
Hahaha I don’t know if this is literal or metaphorical, and I’m not sure I want to know…
You are an infinite storyteller. Keep it up!
Thank you Alex, huzzah!
“She was just laying there…next to her leg…surrounded by cheese.”
This is what I want on my tombstone.
Consider it done, Angelle!
OMG.
Its sunday night.
Fuuu………
All I got out of that video was: I cant believe those two women know who I even am let alone think I am remotely cool. But okay.
That tampon hand sanitizer thing sounds very drying. I hope they are properly moisturizing their vaginas afterward. That’s how you get wrinkles.
Maurna, I sat here for so long trying to figure out what you were talking about. On my own blog. I am hopeless. I read the top part of the comment and assumed this was on the BlogHer post and was like “did we talk about tampon sanitizer? Was that a sponsor? Did I win a case of tampon sanitization kits?”
Slow, so slow over here. I bet my vajayay just got wrinkles.
Hahaha! Have you ever read anything about tampons? They are actually very unsanitary and drying. Despite my horrific experiences, I still support the Diva Cup. I sometimes wonder what it was like in olden times when people used shredded wood fibers, unprocessed cotton bolls, and leather belts. I may have made that last part up.
I’ve heard that!!! I used the diva cup while traveling… I could pull it out again. I think it’s in a drawer somewhere next to empty lighters, tape measures, fingerless gloves, and other abandoned items.
I find it a little unsettling that they gave the pregnant girl an Ibuprofen. That’s a big no no with pregnancy. You need to fire everyone, even if that’s not in your job description.
I used to work for a staffing company. I told you that I had to fire a girl for bringing her flying squirrels to work. In her bra. But the most absurd meeting was when my boss decided we needed to have a round table to discuss how we (meaning I) would handle it should this situation arise again. I reminded her that the woman brought flying squirrels to work. In her bra. But we still had the meeting.
Mandi, you’ve given me an amazing idea. I should start firing people. I mean– why not? People there do things all the time that they’re not qualified for.
And oh my gosh hahahahaha I’m so glad that was deemed worthy of the companies time and resources to meet about. Incredible.