If you’re anything like me, you require a constant onslaught of shite before you’re willing to end a bad relationship. Obviously I am an expert in this, because who could ever forget Psycho Ex (You can see his “naked photo” HERE). It usually takes about five back-to-back WTF Moments for me to finally get around to dumping a guy. With The Man-Child, I actually managed to pack all of these into one night.
WTF Moment #1: I AM DATING ROBIN THICKE
It was a Friday night and The Man-Child and I were driving an hour to meet his sister at the casino where her new boyfriend worked. As we got into the car, I made a passing remark about rape culture, which gave him an opportunity to share his enlightened opinion on sexual assault.
“I’m not sure I understand what the big deal is? I mean, she might not want it at the beginning but you can’t help liking sex.”
Seeing my reaction, he tried to explain himself.
“What I mean is, if a girl comes onto me I can’t help how my body will react, even if I really don’t want to sleep with her.”
“So if some random woman seduces you tonight, you’ll sleep with her because you can’t help it?”
In that moment I knew this was the last night I would be putting up with his particular brand of crazy, but it wasn’t worth wasting my breath on explaining that rape isn’t just sex you weren’t planning on having when you woke up that morning.
WTF MOMENT #2: HE DOES DRUG RESEARCH ON YOUTUBE
The night had yet to begin and I was already wishing it was over. I turned to stare out the window as he drove.
“Wait,” I said, “where are we going?”
“I need to stop by Ray’s house really quick.”
Ray was one of The Man-Child’s guy friends, and a barista. What I didn’t realize was that it wasn’t the signature green of Starbucks that brought them together, but the illegal green that Ray sold on the side.
“He’s about to go to Cabo and he needs some cash.”
“Wait, we’re meeting your drug-dealer so you can loan him money before he goes to Mexico?”
I watched every episode of Weeds and there’s no way in hell I was getting out of that car and risking murder by hockey stick or kidnapping via underground tunnel.
“Don’t be so stuck up, Aussa.”
When he got back in the car, he tossed a bottle of pills in my lap.
“Have you heard of MDMA?”
I don’t even take Tylenol when I have a headache, and this was before Miley Cyrus sang about “dancing with Molly” or JayZ said “MDMA got you feeling like a champion” so no, I hadn’t heard of it.
“It’s totally safe, it just makes you super happy. Look it up on YouTube.”
At that point, I told him to take me back to my car, but he wasn’t interested in listening to me so he turned the music up and kept driving. When we reached the casino, he parked the car and took off without me. His sister met me at the doorway and I told her we’d had a fight.
WTF MOMENT #3: HIS OWN SISTER THINKS HE’S SHITE
“Oh no,” she said, “is he screwing another girl? He’s always had a problem with that. But I mean, he really loves you. He wants to marry you.”
About this time, I started texting my friend Shleisel that I might be in need of a rescue. I’d once spent 15 hours lost in the wilderness and pursued by hillbillies whilst trying to rescue her, so she owed me a favor. After wandering around, I finally found The Man-Child at a roulette table where he was applying his usual schemes and algorithms.
“Hey,” I said, coming up behind him.
He ignored me until I walked away, then started laughing his arse off. His head was thrown back and his eyes were feverish and full of glee.
WTF MOMENT #4: HE’S AN ACTUAL CRAZY PERSON
I took a few steps back and texted Shleisel with an affirmative for my rescue. He was still seated at the table and surrounded by other people when he started yelling.
“What are you so mad about, come over here, I love you!”
I was mortified.
“That’s my girlfriend over there, she thinks she’s better than everyone.”
Shleisel responded that she was on her way but it would take an hour and a half and the guy she was on a date with would have to drive because she had been drinking. It was only their second date but it seemed like a good bonding experience for them and I was filled with relief. Only problem was I still needed to get my car out of his garage– I asked his sister if she had a key, and she hesitated before admitting she might have one in her car. I promised her a lifetime of girl karma and that I wouldn’t vandalize his house, and she finally agreed to look for it. Just as we got to the exit, The Man-Child showed back up.
“Where the hell are you going?”
“I need a tampon.”
He started laughing again and tried to hand me a stack of poker chips. We fled to her car and I watched as she searched through her ashtray and glove box before holding up a silver key. It was the most triumphant moment of my life.
WTF MOMENT #5: TIC TAC TOE, DAFUQ?
He was watching for us when we walked back in.
“Hey babe,” he said, leaning in to kiss me.
I recoiled, and he started laughing. I still had an hour until Shleisel arrived, and all I wanted to do was get out of there without causing any sort of a scene. I headed over to grab some food and he threw a fit over the fact I wouldn’t let him pay.
“You’re so fucking stuck up.”
No matter where I went, he followed. I didn’t need to respond or retaliate, because I could feel that silver key in the palm of my hand. To cope with the situation, I mentally counted down the minutes while texting Shleisel a transcript of the weird things he was saying.
“He just started talking about how he could survive a hurricane by holding onto a streetlight because nothing could ever ruin his grip.”
“I think he’s talking about how he could never die in a car crash. Or maybe he’s talking about manatees? I’m not sure.”
I leaned against a row of slot machines and stared at the entrance. The Man-Child was orbiting the area, alternating between cruel accusation and childish glee. At one point he laid a piece of paper down and slid it towards me with a pen. It had a tic-tac-toe diagram drawn on it.
“Your move,” he said.
Shleisel walked in right at that moment, her bewildered date in tow. The Man-Child smiled at her and tried to give her a hug, but she shut him down with the most “Bitch, Please” expression I’ve ever seen.
“I need a shot,” she whispered to me.
We took a couple steps towards a bar and I bought her a shot of Jameson while The Man-Child tried to introduce himself to Shleisel’s date. He still had no idea I had a key to his house and when we walked out the door he gave me a smug smile and said “I’ll see you later.”
We raced to his huge-ass house and I resisted the urge to go all Carrie Underwood on his expensive décor. Shleisel helped herself to a frozen pizza and took a hit off his bong while I gathered my things. As we drove away, we passed him in his neighborhood. Five minutes later, my phone began ringing over and over. He called me 36 times in a row and sent me the most vile text messages I’ve ever read.
The next day was a world of apologies, which I didn’t respond to until he showed up in my front yard like John Cusak in Say Anything. I didn’t answer the door but finally sent one last text.
“Go away. Or I will destroy you.”
This covered everything I cared to communicate to him and he knew my history well enough to tuck his tail and disappear. I never heard from him again, but this story has a happy ending because Shleisel married the guy she’d been on a date with. I think I deserve some of the credit for that, because I’ve watched a lot of movies in my life and nothing brings people together like a rescue adventure.
Have you stayed in a relationship that you knew was doomed? What’s your most ridiculous breakup story? Have you ever rescued—or been rescued—by a friend?
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