Most of the coworkers I tell you about are worthy of this question. To a certain extent, I probably am too—but if they’re okay with a psychiatrist who can’t speak English and a Nurse who’s plotting to kill everyone, then I’m sure I’ll be alright. Let’s not forget we continued to pay someone when he didn’t even bother showing up for 6 months. However, let me reassure you with a few employees we’ve actually managed to fire in the last year.
The Housekeeper Who Rated Women
Just after the New Year a man named Joe joined the housekeeping department. Joe was a giant in his late 40s, incredibly quiet, and great at getting the job done. Every so often we’d try to engage him in conversation but he seemed content to work without socializing. That is, until he paused mid-sweep to lean over to Shelly, an accountant, and whisper in her ear.
“You’re a 4.”
She smiled politely and wandered off, thinking nothing of it until her boss came to stand in the doorway a little while later.
“Something weird just happened. Joe was dusting my conference table, then looked at me with this huge smile and told me I was a 3. What do you think that means?”
“Yeah he said I was a 4.”
“Wait—YOU are a 4? What the hell?”
The rest of the women in finance were surveyed for their rankings—presenting as a 6, a 1, and a 2. Before long the entire female population of the building was in an uproar, as they tried to calculate the methodology behind his ranking system. We couldn’t figure out if he was numbering us in comparison to each other or on some universal scale of desirability—was it a good thing to be a 2? As in “You’re #2 out of 60 women, you sexy thang” or was it an insult, like “On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 2.”
Unfortunately, this matter was never fully settled as they fired him before he got the chance to explain it all. This goes on the list of things we’ll never truly know, like who killed JFK or how the final episode of LOST was allowed to be so absolutely terrible.
The Guy Who Impregnated a Patient
A young woman who’d previously stayed at our hospital was readmitted a few months after being discharged. She was incredibly upset while in triage and kept insisting she didn’t want to have to see her boyfriend, because he’d just dumped her for getting pregnant with his baby. They kept trying to reassure her until she finally broke it down for them.
“He works here, this is where we met.”
Apparently he’d looked her up on Facebook after she was released from the hospital and moved in with her less than a week later. Despite the fact we all go through a week of ethics training to prevent this exact situation, he didn’t even bother to deny it, merely stating he “couldn’t help it.”
The Nurse Who Threatened Murder
Most everyone at the hospital is sleeping with each other. It’s like the mentally ill version of Greys Anatomy, except no one is that good looking. I’m allowed to say this, since I also dated a coworker who turned out to be in a decade-long relationship with another female coworker but was still cheating on both of us with another staff member whom he tormented with my naked photos.
Everyone copes with these situations differently, and for one nurse it sent her into a murderous rage. She supervised about a dozen other RNs, one of whom was sleeping with her boyfriend. When she found out, she proceeded to send the other woman dozens of text messages about how she was hiding in the parking lot and planning on killing her when she got off work. The police were called and while it turned out the psycho nurse wasn’t on the hospital grounds, she was at home and strung out on meth. It took two weeks for her to fully accept she’d been fired and wasn’t allowed to keep showing up everyday.
You Had ONE Job
To end things on a positive note, I’d like to leave you with Ron the Security Guard, who has not yet been fired. Ron’s job is to drive a 15-passenger van around the hospital campus, while enforcing our no-smoking policy and keeping an eye out for squatters.
These job duties made it particularly amusing when someone emailed a photo of Ron leaning against one of our buildings while smoking a cigarette. When confronted, he began yelling ‘I’m going to kill you!” and was put on a paid suspension until they could investigate whether or not he meant it. In the course of the investigation, it was discovered that Ron—who’s entire job takes place behind the wheel—had not had a valid driver’s license since 2006.
Instead of firing him, they held an intervention that involved nicotine patches and coaching on how to pass the state driving test. Ron was really upset that we were so insistent upon him having a drivers license. At first we assumed it was due to the fact he’d failed it multiple times, but it turned out he was also legally blind and didn’t want to throw money away on something as useless as a pair of glasses.
What’s your most shocking Fired or Not-Fired story? Has anyone ever tried to “rate” you? Do you know anyone who’s not qualified for their job?
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