Some people might call me lazy, but I prefer to think of myself as “inventive.” For example, I absolutely hate making multiple trips up and down the stairs in my house, so I’ve taken to keeping a huge pitcher of water next to my bed—to refill the Keurig, which is also next to my bed. That way, I only have to think about it once every five days or so. See? I’m a genius. And it doesn’t end there:
Invention #1: Overnight Gas Refill
You know what would be better than going to sleep and waking up to find that Santa has left you presents? Waking up to find that a random person put gas in your car overnight. Imagine if you never had to partake in this odious chore again—you could avoid the horrid smells, the inevitable dribble of gasoline on your shoe, and the creepy men who openly gawk at you from the other side of the pump.
Pros: Less likely to die in Orange-Mocha-Frappucino-related death.
Cons: I kind of like the smell of gasoline (in the morning).
Invention #2: “It Takes a Village” App
There really ought to be an app that allows you to immediately communicate with all the random strangers around you. Like ESP for the iPhone. This would be immensely helpful when you’re in a traffic jam and want to know what’s going on further up the line, or when you’re a 28 year old female who still hasn’t learned to carry tampons and suddenly finds yourself in need. Such an app would really foster a sense of community/most likely become the next way for people to have random sex with strangers.
Pros: Quick access to snacks for people with blood sugar issues.
Cons: This is one more way the Prince of Nigeria could contact me in order to put money in my bank account.
Invention #3: The Ability to Text Inanimate Objects
More than this, I wish I could use that Harry Potter spell “Acio- whatever” that they cast in order to make things float over to them. But as I’ve spent most of my life trying to discover my hidden magical abilities, I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. In lieu of magic spells, I’d really just like to be able to text the air conditioner to bump it up a few degrees. Or text the oven to start preheating. Or text the backdoor to unlock. Or the lights to shut off because the switch is on the opposite side of the room and if I go all the way over there I’ll have to run back in the darkness and I don’t think I can fit any more bruises on these legs/obviously there is a psycho killer hiding in the pantry.
Pros: Fewer trips down the stairs.
Cons: They might figure out how to text us back and eventually start a Terminator-like revolt against all the humans.
What daily task/chore do you loathe the most? Do you think humanity is doomed by all the conveniences we create? What do YOU wish someone would invent?
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