I said I wouldn’t turn this site into a wedding planning blog, but I can’t resist sharing a few choice reactions to the news that Alex/The Boyfran/AuSex and I are getting married. The first people we told were my brothers and sister-in-laws and we did it over text. Because it’s 2014 and I’m not really that big a fan of talking to people in person.They’ve been asking about our looming nuptials for at least a year now. We kept telling them that we were Brangelina-ing it and refusing to get married until everyone could. That all failed once those two decided to bail on the cause and tie the knot last month. Since then we’d been telling everyone we wouldn’t get married until Tibet was free. Sorry Tibet. Still– I’m pretty sure that those of you who live in states that legalized gay marriage this week have Alex and I to thank. We made this happen.
After basking in their excitement, I informed them that I would require $1,000 from each of them, since I am parentless.
My inner Bridezilla reared its ugly head as I waited for them to immediately fawn over me and tell me how happy they were/how lucky I am/how I am infinitely beautiful and the reason the sun rises every morn. I suppose having your hand in someone’s vagina is a worthy excuse, but still. Shleisel didn’t even find out until the next day, after the interwebs had already exploded with the news. Her phone had marked my mass texts as spam and wouldn’t open them. Makes sense though, we’re pretty good at doing all the wrong things at all the wrong times.
My friend L, who lives in a different state and only meets up with me about once a year so we can exchange all the horrifying things we’ve done since our last meeting, had a very appropriate reaction:
“I need to meet this brave man.”
I’m definitely a beacon of hope for all single people out there. If I can survive such heaps of shite, make a multitude of poor choices, and live with a weirdo magnet permanently embedded within me, then there is hope for everyone.
When we met up with my family, I told them I wanted all four of my older brothers to walk me down the aisle but that we weren’t doing the “give me away” part unless someone wanted to reimburse me my $40,000 college education and pay for the wedding. Then I had some mild rant about how I’m no one’s property.
My oldest brother looked at Alex and took a swig of his beer.
“You realize you’re marrying a black feminist, right?”
I can only explain this comment by telling you I have a degree in African American Studies. But I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way.
Of course, now I have something new to obsess over.
My Coworker Mandi: “Now we can spend all our time planning your wedding and not working!”
She’s really proved to be an amazing resource thus far. She’s sent me this:
And helped me settle on a Red Wedding theme:
Of course, wedding planning is mildly depressing and majorly confusing. It’s like having a mental out of body experience, because I can’t wrap my mind around this being my life and my wedding and my people who are sitting in the audience, watching. It’s so much easier to plan something like this when it’s not actually you who’s going to be up there in front of everyone. And every single thing costs about a thousand dollars. I’m going to tragically DIY as much as possible, and am on the hunt for random piles of money. For instance, I’m in the middle of googling whether or not I can manually un-spay Zola and prostitute her out for the purpose of creating lots of little puppies that can be sold for a thousand dollars.
I’m also considering prostituting myself, but Alex is less thrilled with this idea, even though he knows I’m a Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy.
Thankfully, Mandi is helping me find ways to save money. Throughout the day I will receive helpful texts like “hey you can get a tank glitter stretch short wedding dress with beaded neck for only $158.”
I’m so lucky to be surrounded by people that love me.
What do you think is the worst thing about planning a wedding? How have people in your life reacted when you share good news? Are you good at being the center of attention?
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