The Director of Nursing at the hospital where I work has an office right across from mine, which means I have the privilege of overhearing whatever manic conversations he deigns to have with himself. Lately these have concentrated largely on his fear of Ebola– Which makes perfect sense because about 1/3 of our direct care workers are originally from West Africa, and I’m pretty sure that means they harbor a predisposition to spontaneously burst into airborne spores of Ebola.
Last week, we held open interviews for mental health techs. One of the candidates was a college student who’d recently moved here from Jamaica. As soon as he left the building the entire interview panel began dousing themselves in antibacterial gel and doing everything short of making the sign of the cross. Apparently a basic understanding of geography or the diaspora of various people groups is not a requirement for holding a nursing license. Neither is common sense.
Being that we’re so concerned with safety and disaster prep that we enable our staff to build office fortresses, it only makes sense that we’d begin making preparations for the cataclysmic explosion of Ebola to sweep through. After all, three of the 317 million people in this country have been diagnosed stateside. This clearly has pandemic written all over it—first an outbreak of two, and then the rest of humanity.
Despite the fact we’ll all be resting in FEMA coffins by the month’s end, I’d like to offer a few things for you to focus your fears and anxieties on, instead of Ebola. After all, there are a lot of other things you should worry about killing you:
#1: Gay Marriage
It’s been a few years since I lived in my parents’ house, but I can still recall the feverish warnings of Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly that gay marriage is what would tear our nation apart. Just last week another slew of states began recognizing same sex marriages—we’re up to 27 now. If that’s not a reason to start buying guns and closing our international borders, I don’t know what is. Also, has anyone else noticed that this took place about the same time as Ebola? Obviously we should blame the gays.
#2: The Ice Bucket Challenge
Given the degree of outrage caused by this recently departed social media trend, I wouldn’t be surprised if the conspiracies turned out to be true and it is, in fact, our very own government who’s releasing Ebola upon us. How else are they supposed to contain the apocalyptic responses brought on by The Ice Bucket Challenge? I’m pretty sure this is what the Bible was talking about when it predicted the end times as one where “They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother,” because nothing tore relationships apart like the choice to either embrace or shun your nomination to have a bucket of ice thrown upon you.
#3: Iggy Azalea’s Whiteness
If you’re one of the people who is pulling your kid out of school and refusing to go to the mall because you’re afraid of catching Ebola, I promise I’m not judging you. This entire post is just a ruse to keep you from showing up at my house and plundering the fully stocked fallout shelter I’m having installed next week.
Are YOU worried about Ebola? Do you think the media is playing on people’s fears, or is the government lying to us? What recent realizations have blown your mind?
Also: This post is unabashedly written for people in the West, who are losing their shite every time someone complains of a fever. The spread of Ebola in West Africa is horrifying and we need to spend more time and effort on mobilizing relief and containment efforts so that no more moms, dads, brothers, sisters, and little babies have to die from it. I find it a tad bit appalling that we’re all so focused on hating the people who’ve dared to be diagnosed in America, while not worrying about the thousands who are dying overseas in countries with underdeveloped infrastructures we’re partially to blame for creating. Okay, carry on.
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