Obviously I blog about a lot of people that are in my daily life—like my coworker Mandi (who knows about the blog) and The Goat Man (who most certainly does not), as well as a whole slew of whacked out psych ward employees. But then there are those that I blog about whilst under the impression that I’ll never see them again, or that—at the very least—the contact will be distant and minimal. But no. Because the universe is an asshole.
My Married Starbucks Suitor
I was at a book store a few months ago when the most charming family ever walked by the table where I was reading. They looked perfect, except that the husband was a guy who’d put his number in my phone while I was in a Starbucks bathroom, then started texting me in the wee hours of the night– despite it being one week before his first wedding anniversary. But no worries, because now they have twin infants, which I’ve heard is the key to recovering a broken marriage.
The (Maybe) Gay Guy I Dated
A couple days after Alex and I got engaged, we had to run to Target to get a birthday present for one of my ten thousand nieces/nephews. We blitzed in then ran to the express checkout line. A tall figure approached and stood directly behind me, a bit too in-my-space for my liking. I decided to do that thing where you lean back and spin around, with the intent of colliding with the person and making them feel uncomfortable (or is that just me?). Except that the tall figure was actually a guy I’d gone on two dates with before I met Alex. I’d eventually fallen off the face of the earth because my gaydar was screaming off the charts. My giant jilted lover looked right at my ring then gave me a dead-eye look, like it was my fault he was confused about his sexuality/in the market for a beard.
Bonus: Alex once accidentally texted him from my phone because his named looked like “Sars.” When I quickly followed up with “Sorry, wrong number,” he replied with “Yeah, I was pretty sure you wouldn’t actually intend to reach out to me.” Sorry for breaking your heart after two dates, buddy.
The A-Hole Doctor I (Sort Of) Stalked
A few weeks ago I was standing in the hallway talking to the Mail Room Guy and trying to figure out why the lights in the hallway kept inexplicably flipping on and off (other than the fact my workplace is haunted). I’d slipped in between some recycle bins to see if there was a hidden light switch and when I launched myself back out into the open space I landed directly in front of the a-hole doctor who may or may not be aware of all the extensive googling I did about him. He stared at me in horror, so I did the only thing I could think to do: I pushed the exit open for him, gave him some enthusiastic jazz hands, and told him I was a hospital greeter.
The Guy Who Said His Stable Was Sizable
Thankfully this was a secret encounter, wherein I saw him from a distance and didn’t have to actually suffer eye contact. He was roaming about with five other guys in a 2-door car and heading into a French bistro I’d just left. No wonder he had to contact me on Facebook and compare my worthiness to how much livestock he thought he could fetch for me.
In a big storm of random, Alex and I walked into a restaurant we’d never been to. We put our names on the list then turned around to see my parents staring at us from a waiting area across the room. My Mom did an awkward little half wave, so I walked over politely. My father—whom I haven’t spoken to in years— shook Alex’s hand as though we weren’t all living out the plot of a Lifetime movie. My Mom gushed that they were celebrating their 35th anniversary and had just seen a movie about the apocalypse. That only seemed fitting.
Honorable Mention: Let’s not forget that after taking months to blog out the full story of my abusive ex boyfriend who’s life I had to destroy after he attempted to destroy mine, I was contacted by his new girlfriend, who immediately broke up with him afterwards.
Who have you run into that you’ve never wanted to see again? Have you blogged about anyone without them knowing about it? What’s your most awkward encounter you’ve had with someone out in public?
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