When I first moved back to America, I watched a shite-ton of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. My friend had just had her baby and I was on infant night shift, so it seemed like a reasonable use of my time. Lest you accuse me of wasting opportunity, I promise the show engaged my intellect—especially when I spent an entire evening creating an elaborate chart to document which characters had slept with each other. I’d share it here but I’m like 4 seasons behind now, and no one likes old data.
Watching a bunch of lusty (possibly sociopathic) doctors make the beast with two backs in an on-call room is our generation’s most favored form of entertainment. But it’s more than that—it actually represents the truth.
You hear me? Grey’s Anatomy = Truth.
I know this, because I work at a hospital. And everyone here is banging. But it goes beyond that—I work at a psychiatric hospital, which means it’s like Greys but frumpier, more wrinkled, and no one would ever want to see it.
See? Just like Grey’s.
I could probably start an entire blog about the sexual deviance of our finest staff, but I’ll spare myself the trauma and just list a few of my favorite workplace trysts:
The Psychiatrist and the Teeny Bopper
This guy won our Clinician of the Year award and helped draft company policy on ethical boundaries between staff. Then he started banging a 19-year old nurse’s assistant. When the teenager decided to break it off, the good doctor sent her messages about how he was going to kill himself—in front of his wife and family. She reported the harassment and a mediator was brought in from HR. This drug out for months, until we realized it was too risky to discipline him—we couldn’t lose the guy, he’s one of the few doctors that actually shows up/knows how to speak English. The teenager continued to complain that he was texting her repeatedly and would seek her out even after we moved her to a different ward. Eventually she quit without notice and moved to a different state. Administration was thrilled with the way it all worked out.
The Security Staff and the Dead Pigeons
Our hospital employs security staff for the purpose of breaking rules and threatening to kill people. When they’re not doing this, streaming Netflix, or dressing like clowns with bananas, they like to bang the nurses. It’s just a perk of the job and they’re largely indiscriminate—they might bang in a mop closet, in the back of their patrol vehicles, or on a particularly romantic night they’ll take them to the abandoned wing of the hospital. Only there do you have the opportunity to copulate sans electricity, whilst tiptoeing across broken glass and trying not to knock over the jars of pee left behind by homeless people. Nothing says romance like a boarded up building full of raccoon shit, dead pigeons, and herpes.
When all of this was discovered, their supervisor had a very stern talk with them. He told them that back when he was married he like to have girlfriends too, but they needed to use more discretion. This was, of course, the same guy who once referred to the color of the walls as “the color of a Venezuelan hooker’s nipples.
The In-App Booty Call
I could start an entire blog about Dawson, a coworker who is probably watching me on a hidden camera in my office right now. Dawson and I used to be friends before he started stealing money from the hospital, and he’d tell me about his various trysts about town. One day he came in my office all in a tizzy because he was checking out a guy on Growlr who was super cute (at least from the waist down) and was only 727 feet away. That could only mean one thing in a hospital complex our size. This well-trimmed Romeo was amongst us.
Dawson spent the whole day canvasing the hospital campus, staring at crotches, until he solved the mystery. It ended up being the husband of his supervisor, but it was okay because they have an open marriage. In the end, it was a very happy ending. For all of them.
Is your workplace full of inappropriate relationships? Have YOU ever dated a coworker? What’s the weirdest place you/someone you know has had sex?
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