Are there really people out there who care about bullshite awards? I’m honestly not sure. Maybe I’m just jaded because I’m so often the person who is weeding through the mediocre nominations to try and determine whose paltry efforts at achieving the bare minimum should be celebrated. All I know is that where I work, it’s pretty much a curse for you to receive any sort of public accolade. Within months you’ll be enmeshed in some sort of scandal, crime, or humiliation.
“It’s Not Cause You’re Gay, it’s Cause You’re an Asshole”
My least favorite coworker is a guy who loves to tell you about his sexual conquests in casino parking lots but will be the first person to cry “discrimination!” if you ask him to refrain from showing you pictures of his penis piercing. The full extent of my dislike for him goes on the list of things I can’t blog about until after I’m fired, but I can say that last year we gave him our annual “Customer Service Award”– the criteria of which entails something like “be able to respond to an email” and “must not have run over any puppies in the parking lot.”
About six months after receiving this auspicious award, I got to conduct an investigation into his timekeeping—which revealed he’d been effectively stealing thousands of dollars for the last 7 months. Everyone found out about it and began demanding their own secret second paycheques, but there was really nothing we could do about it—because he has a lawyer on speed dial and obviously you’re not allowed to fire people who are homosexual. Besides, if we let him go there’s a chance we’d never be able to find another person who knows how to convert a word document into a PDF.
“Thanks For Crying, You Degenerate Waste of Space”
Every month we recognize various staff that’ve made enough of an impression on our patients to warrant them leaving a feedback card. This is one aspect of my job I mildly enjoy, because you get to hear how it really makes an impact when someone cleans up a spilled drink without complaining. But sometimes the bullshite is the only thing that needs to be cleaned up. Enter Vanessa—a relatively new tech who magically got 8 nominations in one month, all submitted electronically. I didn’t even know you could submit them online until hers started flooding into my inbox. Written in the same voice. With the same spelling mistakes.
I decided to go ahead and award them, out of pure curiosity. Let’s not forget, The Goat Man also nominated himself for an award at one point, so maybe she was just following his example.
When we presented her with the award, she burst into tears. She was so moved that she had to steady herself against a wall, clutching the award to her chest. My fellow Executive Management Team members fought back tears, moved by her display of humility and selfless dedication.
Two weeks later she stole a bottle of Xanex out of the medication room. Obviously, that wasn’t enough reason to fire her. A month after that, she stole donated relief money for a coworker whose house had burned down and I was finally allowed to fire her. And call the police. Let me know if you want to hear the full story because it was a glorious opportunity for me to employ my stalker skills.
“Please Don’t Tell Anyone I Wrote This”
A few months ago my boss forwarded me an article about some healthcare contest involving something that’s supposedly important and innovative. He asked me to write something and nominate our hospital for the award. From the start, this was laughable. We do not need to be celebrated for anything, other than managing not to burn ourselves down or have real killers roaming the halls. But I’m not capable of intentionally botching a writing job, so I wrote the most impassioned and moving narrative I could muster. A few months later we attended the vintage-themed awards banquet and lo and behold, we won. I tried not to despise myself as I walked up to accept the award and comforted myself by remembering that most likely everyone in the room was full of complete and total BS.
Let’s not forget some rockstars from previous posts—there was the psychiatrist who boinked a young girl and then went full stalker on her: He was our Clinician of the Year. And also the Secretary who won a Customer Service Award the day before faking an injury that got her a huge settlement that she used to purchase a gold toga and mini golf cart for her weekend debaucheries.
Have you ever taken credit for something you didn’t do? Is there an aspect of your job/life that is completely useless and only there for appearances? What total BULLSHITE have you recently witnessed?
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