A few weeks back my left eye started getting all red and ferocious. Then my right eye caught on and before long I looked like a zombie extra from The Walking Dead. It was clearly growing worse by the second but I opted to ignore it because that’s how I like to deal with my problems. Plus, my eye doctor is this creepy dude who I’m pretty sure has been hitting on me since I was 11 years old. Something about being in that dark narrow room puts him in the mood because he can’t stop saying things like “You are a very beautiful woman” in broken Russian before inviting me to his yoga class. And for the record, his first language is ENGLISH.
I decided to consult Dr. Facebook instead and posted a photo of my eyes for all of you to diagnose. And diagnose you did, with over 100 comments:
Alien invasion? Do you taste pennies and hear birds chirping from your teeth? — Beth Teliho
Did Alex fart on your pillow? —Angelle
Hmmm… Writer Eye? Or an infection. I say see the doc, then blog about it. — August McLaughlin
STD… Graves Disease… Pink Eye
Maybe your body has figured out what’s going on and it turns out you’re allergic to commitment? Not the where you work commitment, but the one where your vagina has met its last penis kind? — DonOfAllTrades
Did someone pee in your eyes?
The never before seen eyeball-blood-vessel cancer. They’ll probably name it after you. Aussablastoma.
Actually it reminds me of my ex’s eyeballs after she coped a load accidentally. — Spankalicious
When I get all anxious about something, cancer isn’t good enough for me. It’s always heart attack-cancer. Much more holistic. —Cassandra Delusion
I drink like 9 cups of green tea a day, I’m pretty sure that means I can’t get Cancer. Oprah says so, or the internet, or something. Being rather susceptible to internet advice (just check my Twitter feed for all the times I’ve asked you to make choices for me) so I finally agreed to go to the eye doc. There was a bit of a wait so I chatted with one of the medical assistants.
“I’m not sure where he is,” she finally said. “He owns the cookie store next door and sometimes he sneaks over there.”
Hold the phone– maybe he’s not so bad a guy if he’s got access to mass cookie quantities.
“Yeah,” she went on, “We once caught him sneaking to IHOP in between patients.”
She didn’t stop there. Apparently– despite his yogi body–he was constantly ravenous and would steal snacks out of their desks or eat their lunch if they weren’t watching. This was alarming. How can you trust someone who steals other people’s snacks? Unless it’s Aladdin (‘cause he can show you the world) or Jean Val Jean (is nothing now).
It was too late though. He walked right in and promptly diagnosed me with ulcers on my cornea. Because that’s what I really need in my life right now. Have I mentioned that I also have bulging discs in my spine from my wreck a few months ago? This is all very annoying but at least I’ve seized the opportunity to take a lot of medical selfies.
As annoying as all of this can be, do you know what’s worse? Every single time I go to the eye doctor, they call me Ms. Kardashian. Because apparently I look like Khloe Kardashian. I don’t know anything about her other than that she’s called “the fat Kardashian.” Thanks a lot guys, kick a girl while she’s down.
What punishment should be doled out on snack thieves? Have you recently identified a silver lining? Do you allow the internet to diagnose you when you’re sick or have an ailment?
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