Last Saturday my sister-in-laws threw a wedding shower for me, and it was gorgeous. Everything looked perfect and entertainment was provided by Shleisel, who MacGyver’d her way into a locked room by removing the doorknob like a boss. It was like all the happy things in my life were thrown in a big bag full of glitter, shaken, then released into a contained space. So basically lots of chocolate, cheese, and things I should not have talked about, like:
#1: My Underwear
I decided to wear a white dress because, hello, BRIDEZILLA. It took a few days before I realized that I’d need adult underwear in order to pull this off—as opposed to neon bras and a very reckless refusal to actually *wear* underwear. I went to TJ Maxx because I am classy like that and if I’m going to buy boring undergarments I sure as hell won’t spend more than $14.99 on them.
I left with something that I’m pretty sure is Spanx? They’re like flesh colored biker shorts that go from my navel to the dimpliest part of my thighs—so basically they’re like 9 feet long.
People are kind, so they felt the need to tell me I looked nice when I walked through the door. This seemed like the best opportunity to show all of them my pseudo-spanx, lifting my dress like I was fanning flames or trying to use it as a parachute. Thankfully I cut this out when Alex’s Mom arrived.
#2: All the Horrifying Ways I’ve Attracted People Into My Life
To break the ice, everyone went around the room to say how they knew me. Unsurprisingly, this triggered my word vomit and I started commenting on and amplifying each of their stories.
Regarding SIL #4- “Yeah, we used to not like each other at all.”
#3: Shleisel’s Talent for All Things Alcohol Related
About the time we were opening gifts, Shleisel was summoned to the kitchen. I immediately felt the need to remark “Must have something to do with alcohol!” because obviously I can’t give a single person on this planet the benefit of the doubt. But it WAS to do with alcohol, because Shleisel can open a bottle of Champagne just as skillfully as she can remove a doorknob.
Unfortunately my VERY proper and well behaved Future-Mother-in-Law chose that moment to lean in for clarification. “What did you say?”
I tried to think of a rhyme: “Rust wrath something froofroo it methanol!”
Not sure she bought it.
#4: Something Sexual About an Apron
Speaking of my future MIL, she gave me an apron—which I found adorable.
A lot of people laughed, since my lack of kitchen skills and overall laziness is legendary. She then clarified by telling a story about how I’d “helped” her in the kitchen while visiting and that I’d donned an apron to protect my dress. I’d then remarked about how Alex was “seeing me in my first apron.”
Everyone found this heartwarming until I followed up by saying: “Yeah… I think he liked it a little TOO much.”
I totally meant this in an I-deserve-to-wear-this-white-dress sort of way—like “he’s going to want me to cook for him.” But that’s not how everyone else took it, especially after Mandi piped up with “Woah, that’s more than we need to know, Aussa!”
The day was gorgeous, the food was delicious, and expectations were met by the fact I basically spent the entire day showing people my underwear, talking about alcohol, reminiscing on past drama, and making sexual innuendo. I guess this is what they mean when they talk about a “blushing bride.”
What awkward interactions have you had with your in-laws? Have you ever made a sexual joke in an inappropriate situation? Do you have anything interesting to tell me about your underwear?
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