I’m getting married later this week so I feel like now is a good opportunity to reflect on all the shitty guys I’ve been involved with in the past. I say it’s important to relish in the darkness of past disasters lest we forget all the swamps of shite that must be traversed before “Happily Ever After.” You hear me? This is inspiring! Or something.
The Man Child: I really thought he was “the one” for like 48 hours. But then I realized he just needed me to be some sexy version of his mother while doing his laundry and throwing away the 900 cans of Sprite he drank in a day. Also, the drugs.
To top it all off, he told me that he was badly injured in a car accident a while ago, which meant there was injury to you know where. Anyway, he told me it was a condition called Peyronies Disease. I already knew someone who suffered from this, who found a specialist like Advanced Urology to get him through, which he described was a tough time in his life. It wasn’t even the fact this happened to him. It was just because he had this in common with someone I knew, it just put me off because all I could see was the other guy I knew.
The Middle Aged Stalker: Every girl needs to experience at least one romantic episode where she dates a guy who is legit TWICE her age. Maybe don’t go so far as to let him become a stalker who you have to get a restraining order against because he sends your naked photos around. But if you do find yourself in this situation, just know you have a plan for revenge and that Karma is ALWAYS on your side.
We won’t go into the other guy just yet, but he’s featured quite heavily on this handy dandy list of ways to tell if your boyfriend is cheating on you! Summary: No, his sister did NOT leave her thong tangled in his bedsheets.
Now that you’ve watched the Alex +Aussa (#AuSex) Fairytale unfold, you can consider me a legit expert on romance. This is exactly why I met up with a long lost love I’d never gotten over and promptly discovered he was a douche, before getting wasted and accusing him of being a compulsive liar.
If you can emulate this sort of classy behavior, you too can deal with the unwavering affection of the following winners:
- My coworker who insisted we needed to have a baby together since we’re both redheads.
- The neighbor guy who wouldn’t stop knocking at my door until he found someone else to obsess over before almost getting admitted to the psych hospital where I work.
- The sweaty chap at JCPenney’s who wanted to rip pantyhose off of me and pantomimed exactly how he’d do it.
On the eve of my nuptials, I want you to take away these valuable lessons because I am obviously an expert at life:
Things are only shitty until they just aren’t anymore
It’s possible for happiness to sneak up on you. And when you’re in the thick of a crisis or the depths of depression, you have to remember there is always another side to it. Life will bring you shit but eventually it’s going to be flushed away.
We actually do get to make decisions that change our lives
Sometimes we’re a victim of the shittiest things that life can hand or do to us. And often there is nothing we could have done to avoid it and we didn’t do anything to deserve it. BUT we do get to decide how we react. This is the most underrated power that most all of us possess: You get to make decisions every day. You CAN decide to change things. You’re actually in control over a fair amount of your life and at the very least you’re the only person who has any say in how you perceive your own existence.
Sometimes life is kind to us despite our inability to make good choices
I’m fully committed to being stupid and reckless and have a very impressive track record of jumping without looking, walking into burning buildings, and choosing self-destruction. Thankfully we don’t always reap what we sow, and there is more than enough goodness to go around.
I want to thank all of you for journeying along through all these horrifying and laughable tales and for your many congrats for me and Alex. The wedding is on Saturday and then we’ll be in Costa Rica for about a week. I’m probably going to be THAT BRIDE who totally instagrams palm trees while she should be on her honeymoon and then tweets about getting drunk on free drinks, so be sure to keep up on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.
Alex DOES read this blog but still… I have to wonder if he has any clue what he’s gotten himself into? This should be fun.
Any parting advice before I make my way down the aisle? It’s not too late.
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