Don’t judge me—I am NOT blogging while I’m on my Honeymoon. I scheduled this to post while I’m gone because technology is creepy. Now all I can think about is what will happen if my plane crashes and you’re all in the middle of hosting a candlelight vigil for me (naturally) and then you get this notification. Yes. The power of the Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy is enough to reach you from beyond the grave.
I’m sorry. I’ll stop now. But really—airplanes are such a terrible idea. I always forget this until I’m a million miles in the air, moving at the speed of light and suddenly too afraid to walk to the bathroom because I might shake the plane.
But let’s assume I made it. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram can hopefully confirm this. Except I have no idea if there will be internet access. Future Aussa is in Costa Rica and doesn’t know what all that entails. I’ve been to Guatemala, which is like Costa Rica’s “bad seed” cousin who shows up to Thanksgiving with white powder on its nose, and I’m pretty sure we had to go to a café to use the internet while we were there.
I want to go ahead and make a few predictions about our honeymoon, just so I can feel smug and self-righteous when I come back and they’re all true:
#1: American Ignorance and Arrogance Will Have a Love Child Named “Aussa’s Humiliation”
There will come a moment where I’ll decide to impress everyone with my tenuous grasp of the Spanish language. Even though I know better, there will be alcohol and then I’ll be all “My nanny was Hispanic,” and “I used to go to Juarez every summer” and “I took 97,000 hours of Spanish in college.” Then I’ll open my mouth and try to make words and people will crowd around to point and stare the same way they did when I tried to use chopsticks in China.
#2: Alex Will Repeatedly Ask Me How I’ve Managed To Travel All Over The World
He already does this on a daily basis when I get lost trying to find my way home from Target, but this whole trip will only make it worse. I’ll be all “but where’s the ocean?” and then he’ll think he can trust me to find a public restroom and I’ll be lost for a day and a half and have to live off of the little green moss that grows on the back of sloths.
#3: I Will Be Self-Conscious About My Ass
This is so stupid but I know it’s going to happen. My arse looks like one of those poorly rendered “mashed cauliflower” recipes on Pinterest that everyone knows is BS and doesn’t taste anything like creamy whipped potato goodness. But right now (as Past Aussa) I’m going to resolve to be all “Bite me!” about my unfounded assumptions that ANYONE on the beach gives a damn what my rear end looks like.
#4: I’ll Try To Smuggle Something Or Break An International Law
This is my favorite part of traveling. Whatever is on the list of things you aren’t allowed to bring back—like Cuban cigars, a case of beer, weapons, or absinthe—I have totally smuggled back from my previous trips overseas. The list is long and the anxiety you get when you’re standing in customs is real. I don’t know what my problem is, but I’m addicted and won’t stop until I’m caught and end up in some dank little torture cell being interrogated on why I had 15 turtle eggs hidden in the soles of my shoes.
#5: Someone’s Going to Get Injured
This is inevitable, because it’s me we’re talking about. I just hope that it can stand up to these guys:
Breaking my tailbone on a flight of stairs then getting hopped up on meds to the point that I bought a 1970-something Camaro because I wanted a Transformer.
Falling into the Guatemalan jungle because we broke our flashlight and only had a candle to guide us.
Jumping out of a window and nearly bleeding to death
Getting in a car accident that resulted in a powdered sugar explosion.
Diving out of a convertible and getting a concussion that allowed me to predict the future.
Getting ulcers on my eyes because WTF life makes no sense.
We’re going to be right on the ocean, which means a Giant Squid is probably going to sneak in through the balcony and suffocate me while I sleep. There’s also something about a rain forest down there which means I’ll get darted by poisonous frogs and/or abducted by monkeys who recognize me as the missing link and therefore their queen. Just wait. You’ll see.
Were there any disasters on your honeymoon? Have you ever butchered an attempt at speaking a foreign language? How do you feel about flying?
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