Alex and I recently flew to Costa Rica for our honeymoon, which made me nostalgic for all the terrible things I’ve done on airplanes. Unfortunately, poor Alex has vertigo which means he doesn’t want to participate in shenanigans or get schwasted on miniature bottles of Cab Sav. This is truly unfortunate, given the fact I’ve done all of the following at least once:
#1: Used the Cute Little Vomit Bags
This may or may not be directly related to my fav pastime of drinking all the mini wines. Shleisel and I were flying to Frankfurt, Germany and I’d already used the little vomit bags for doodling when the urge suddenly hit. A guy had been eyeing Shleisel for the last few hours (because she’s a sexy beast) but I went ahead and shut that shit down by stepping into the aisle, kneeling, and vomiting into the doodled upon bag. When I was done, I had no idea what to do so I handed it to a flight attendant. I like to think they opened some little hatch and made it rain down over the Atlantic.
#2: Drunkenly Drew a Map of Africa by Memory
#3: Scared The Shite Out of a First Time Flyer
I already blogged about this flight to Taiwan here. Suffice it to say I’m relegated to the 9th circle of hades.
#4: Stole a 2 Liter of Pepsi
This was on an AirFrance flight to Istanbul with my friend L. For some reason I decided to be greedy at 4AM and steal the entire 2 litre of Pepsi kept in the little snack area. Only problem was that as soon as I started back to my seat, a flight attendant came out of nowhere. Ever the ninja, I flung the bottle across several rows where it promptly exploded and soaked my entire seat in syrupy fizz.
#5: Encouraged Shleisel To Climb Over a Sleeping Man
What else are you supposed to do when you have to pee and this guy swallowed a fistful of Ambien?
#6: Openly Wept Like Someone Ran Over My Puppy
I made the grave mistake of watching “How To Train Your Dragon” while on a flight from Cambodia to Hong Kong. The guy next to me originally wanted to “practice his English” but was pretending to be asleep by the time the credits rolled around. Three months later I repeated this exact same experience by daring to watch “My Sisters Keeper” while on a layover. Why is life full of terrible things and darkness and why can’t I stop crying?
#7: Ate 85,000 Pixie Sticks
Nothing gets me—and keeps me—going like pixie sticks.
#8: Accepted a Ride From The Stranger Next To Me
Also blogged about this one here. Even though this is a pretty great way to live out the plot line from Taken, I’m pretty sure this is the only reason my body wasn’t used to smuggle drugs out of Guatemala.
#9: Stole All The Blankets & Pillows
I have no regrets here. This is a matter of survival, especially when you have to sleep through a 9-hour layover.
#10: Had a Legitimate Wardrobe Malfunction
This happened after BlogHer last summer. It’s possible I might have eaten a bit too much and partaken in a few too many jello shots and Happy Meals the night before, because just before takeoff I took a breath and *SNAP!* my belt was no more.
What terrible things have you done on a flight? What’s the most awkward place you’ve cried? Do you have any horrible vomiting stories I need to hear?
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