So I have to thank you guys—I won the Indie Chicks 2015 Badass Blog Award for Funniest Blog. Last year I won for “Biggest Girl Crush Blog” so I guess you no longer have a crush on me and are just laughing at me. It’s a huge honor, though mildly baffling. I never set out to be funny. My first post was about drinking “an cup of wine” because I’d found out my psycho ex was going to dispute the restraining order I’d already had against him for a year.
I thought this whole blog was going to be about my attempt to summon badassery in the face of shite. Instead it’s mostly me flailing about while crying over how hard maths are and complaining that I can’t microwave Styrofoam.
It’s been right around a year and a half since I started blogging. I’m so glad you guys still hang out with me, despite the fact I’m a complete and total mess. I’m not even sure I have a niche– When I look back at my post titles, one trend emerges: DEATH.
FIVE of my titles have some variation of the word “kill” in them– since my charming neighbor probably wanted to kill me, my ex-boyfriend definitely did, though I myself might be a serial killer… but at the very least my FitBit will kill me.
FOUR of my titles have some variation of the word “murder” in them– since I kind of sort of murdered a guy I work with, definitely murdered this mouse with my car door, was pretty sure I was going to be murdered on my first day of work, and am (according to Alex) an ax murderer.
And yet you weirdos voted me—purveyor of death and murder—as the funniest blog.
Jokes on you!
My search terms tell an equally disturbing tale. In the last 3 months, the fine people of the internet have found me to be an authority on the following:
“can i get old fast just by having sex with people twice my age?”
“stalking my naked sexy ass cussin”
“if i kick a frog and my friend gets mad does that make him gay”
No, it makes you an ASSHOLE for kicking a frog– what is wrong with you?!
“dont just eat the pussy devour that shit”
I admire your enthusiasm. Carry on.
“مي gay صبي حلو سكس”
Yes. Your boyfriend is gay.
“do some women have orgasms when they visit the chiropractor”
No, but sometimes an orgasm can make you have to go the chiropractor.
“how to diss your ex husband in a court room during cross examination”
I can actually help you with that.
That’s some pretty messed up stuff there. You should probably talk to a professional about this– and maybe if enough of us speak out, we’ll get our own DSM diagnosis. Truly though, you’re all my favorite people.
Have you had any recent “wins” in your life? If you have a blog, has it turned out the way you planned? Tell me about something creepy you’ve recently googled.
To thank you guys for being my favorite people, I’m giving away a copy of Brittany Gibbons AKA Brittany Herself’s newly released book “Fat Girl Walking” (it’s out TODAY from Harper Collins!) to a lucky e-mail subscriber. If you’re not already subscribed, Do. It. Now. I’ll draw a random winner at the end of the week. May the odds be ever in your favor.
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