So I have to thank you guys—I won the Indie Chicks 2015 Badass Blog Award for Funniest Blog. Last year I won for “Biggest Girl Crush Blog” so I guess you no longer have a crush on me and are just laughing at me. It’s a huge honor, though mildly baffling. I never set out to be funny. My first post was about drinking “an cup of wine” because I’d found out my psycho ex was going to dispute the restraining order I’d already had against him for a year.
I thought this whole blog was going to be about my attempt to summon badassery in the face of shite. Instead it’s mostly me flailing about while crying over how hard maths are and complaining that I can’t microwave Styrofoam.
Near miss.
It’s been right around a year and a half since I started blogging. I’m so glad you guys still hang out with me, despite the fact I’m a complete and total mess. I’m not even sure I have a niche– When I look back at my post titles, one trend emerges: DEATH.
FIVE of my titles have some variation of the word “kill” in them– since my charming neighbor probably wanted to kill me, my ex-boyfriend definitely did, though I myself might be a serial killer… but at the very least my FitBit will kill me.
FOUR of my titles have some variation of the word “murder” in them– since I kind of sort of murdered a guy I work with, definitely murdered this mouse with my car door, was pretty sure I was going to be murdered on my first day of work, and am (according to Alex) an axe murderer.
And yet you weirdos voted me—purveyor of death and murder—as the funniest blog.
Jokes on you!
My search terms tell an equally disturbing tale. In the last 3 months, the fine people of the internet have found me to be an authority on the following:
“can i get old fast just by having sex with people twice my age?”
……..YES.
“stalking my naked sexy ass cussin”
Please don’t.
“if i kick a frog and my friend gets mad does that make him gay”
No, it makes you an ASSHOLE for kicking a frog– what is wrong with you?!
“dont just eat the pussy devour that shit”
I admire your enthusiasm. Carry on.
“مي gay صبي حلو سكس”
Yes. He’s gay.
“do some women have orgasms when they visit the chiropractor”
No, but sometimes an orgasm can make you have to go the chiropractor.
“how to diss your ex husband in a court room during cross examination”
I can actually help you with that.
That’s some pretty messed up stuff there. You should probably talk to a professional about this– and maybe if enough of us speak out, we’ll get our own DSM diagnosis. Truly though, you’re all my favorite people.
Have you had any recent “wins” in your life? If you have a blog, has it turned out the way you planned? Tell me about something creepy you’ve recently googled.
To thank you guys for being my favorite people, I’m giving away a copy of Brittany Gibbons AKA Brittany Herself’s newly released book “Fat Girl Walking” (it’s out TODAY from Harper Collins!) to a lucky e-mail subscriber. If you’re not already subscribed, Do. It. Now. I’ll draw a random winner at the end of the week. May the odds be ever in your favor.
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CONGRATS SO MUCH!!
Thank you Michelle! And congrats to you as well on getting Freshly Pressed, huzzah!
Damn girl! Guess that vote counted after all and I still have a girl crush. So many congrats.
I can’t think of anyone I have murdered. So jealous!
It definitely counted, thank you! And it’s never too late to murder. Never. Unless you get murdered first. So actually maybe you should hurry.
Congrats. We figured if you got the badass funniest blog award, it would even things out on here. 😉
As for wins. Nah, not yet, but I keep trying! I google all sorts of weird stuff, we writers tend to do that. Ha!
So true. I saw someone on fb talking about how they were trying to google something the other day but their child safety settings were on and Google was telling them something didn’t have any results.. it was like… crushed balls in elevator or something. Totally legit sort of thing to search for, right? For, um, research purposes.
Yup, totally legit.
Well done!
You are funny, you are! And also badass.
Thanks Draliman!
Super cool, Aussa! 🙂
I started my blog in August. I still have sooo much to learn about blogging. Who knew it would be more than just WRITING? 😉
I certainly didn’t know that at the start!!! Sometimes you can get so involved in the blog world that you don’t have time to write anymore. HA!
Congratulations! You rock, Aussa! 🙂
Thank you Lynette!
Well done. Well deserved. Am trying think of more stuff to say starting with well. I never post creepy stuff. I’m pure as the driven snow.
“Pure as the driven snow,” is EXACTLY how I would describe someone who leaves love notes in Ellen’s mailbox……….
Congratulations, Aussa!
Thanks Kitt!
Congratulations! I post about the search terms that have lead people to my blog monthly. That shit be cray:
http://abbiosbiston.com/2015/02/26/welcome-all-wankers/
http://abbiosbiston.com/2015/03/23/we-continue-to-welcome-all-wankers-march-stats/
http://abbiosbiston.com/2015/04/30/we-still-continue-to-welcome-all-wankers-and-other-occasional-perverts-april-stats/
I love these sorts of posts…
Congrats! And if you’re an axe-murderer, we are probably related. None of my grandparents would talk about the old country, so I’m sure they were all fleeing their dastardly axe-murdering pasts.
Wouldn’t that be charming? We all need some truly horrifying family history to keep us grounded.
I actually choked/coughed/laughed at “I admire your enthusiasm. Carry on”, so take that as a prime example of why you won the funniest of funny’s blog award. I feel like they should create an award of “Who randomly showed up on the internet to blog and then skyrocketed to infamy and fame due to her own mistakes, choices, and awesome humor while attracting a rabid tribe of fellow barely making it as an adult’ers fans” and then you would DEFINITELY get that one as well.
Way to take on the internet and WIN, Miss Aussa. The internet odds definitely are in your favor.
Oh my gosh, I might actually vote for myself it that award were real! I would campaign. I would believe.
And thank you Rachel 🙂
congrats, and blogging has been better than i ever expected. i love the crazy comments, the interactions of all kinds, everything –
Same here! I never expected it to be such a community. I like you guys WAY more than the people I see in person everyday 🙂
Congrats! Well-deserved. 🙂
Thanks Ramona!
Congratulations! Naked sexy ass cussin’ for the win! 🙂
That should be some sort of Sister Wife extension– you can be a naked sexy ass cussin’. I think it would take off.
As a person who has had more near-death-experiences than anybody I ever met… and I still think my post called; ‘what a way to go’ is the best one of those stories ever)… I like to think I know a little something about the Grim Reaper too… because that guy is totally stalking me…
Well you’ve clearly got him beat, Art. Please do keep distracting him for me though… I’ve had enough of that guy.
Don’t try to kick him in the nuts… just a waste of time…
Congrats!
You know what they say, you can’t spell “slaughter” without “laughter”!
WHO SAYS THAT? Because they should be my bestie.
Congrats girly! Well deserved!
Thanks Bren!
LOL, congratulations again. I guess you are “dangerously” funny!
Badum-ching! Love it. Thanks 🙂
The Bastards! Imagine – you’re pouring out your heart about near death experiences and they have the temerity to give you a “Funniest Blog Award”.Bastards!
Ha! Congrats Aussa! You deserve the award and so much more. You’e just the cat’s ass. By the way, that’s a good thing – from the 60’s http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cats+ass CarryOn Girl!
There was a nice muscle car in my home town that was named that. Painted on the rear quarter panels and the back. “Cat Sass”
This makes me want to do the same but with “Au Sex”
The Cat’s Ass, eh? How does it rate against being a Goat’s Ass? Because that’s been my goal for a while.
Congrats on the award! I tend to fancy anyone who makes me laugh, so I say funny and crush are so close as to basically be the same thing.
Thanks Claire! It’s true– laughter is the wellspring of love. My dog makes me laugh all the time by being completely stupid. And I love her.
Congrats, Biaaatch!!!!! xxxx
I interviewed Gibbons when I wrote on “Skirt.” Hilarious.
Jealous, she is awesome!
Is it wrong that I get super excited when I see a new post in my email? No matter what kind of day I’m having, you make me laugh!
No it’s not wrong, I love it. Thank you for that, you made my day!
Congratulations, you remain one of the most dedicated and fun-to-read bloggers going, and you deserve any accolade they want to bestow upon you. I might qualify as an axe murderer, as I have murdered several axes, mostly by missing the wood I was trying to chop with the axe-head and instead hitting it with the handle. No axe has time for that. I guess my biggest recent win would be that both of my eyeballs are back in working order. I still don’t have my own blog yet, and as for creepy Googlings, I recently Googled my physical therapist from my post-stroke rehab to see what she was up to these days (she was still a student when she was teaching me how to walk again) and found out that she is practicing at a large health care provider a few cities north of here. On their web page, they listed their PT staff, and their qualifications. A few days later, there was a story on Google News about two of those therapists, who were boyfriend and girlfriend: Apparently the boyfriend had reported the girlfriend missing and possibly kidnapped, and she later showed up at her father’s house in southern California. So that seemed a little bit creepy to me…
Woah. That is definitely creepy and kind of a strange coincidence that you were googling them shortly before she “disappeared.” Maybe try googling me to see if the same thing would happen… a little vanishing to Southern California sounds lovely.
And I’m glad both of your eyes are back to working, huzzah! That’s a huge win!
First, Congratulations on your win. You funny, funny girl. I don’t understand why I rarely get search terms show up for me. It usually says ‘unknown search terms.’ But, when I do get them, the most that shows up is “big white butt.” Of course, that comes from the big white butt photo at the top of that blog post. NOT! It just looks like one.
https://loreezlane.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/its-not-a-butt-its-a-recipe/
How funny– you do have to question the motives of someone googling for a bit white butt… but to each their own, I suppose. And I hate seeing the unknown search terms area! The mystery kills me.
One day they will name a category after you. Just remember that I called it, so you can say later…damn, she was right.
Haha, the HackerNinjaHookerSpy category! Maybe I should give away my own awards and those can be the categories… ooooo…..
Oh no Aussa. I mean something much better than that. I mean The Aussa Award. When Awesome in writing just isn’t good enough. <3
Aw– you are too kind 🙂
🙂
Congratulations!
Thanks!!
I was scrolling down to the comment section and the cover of Brittany’s book, with her long, red hair caught my eye. Before I read it properly I was all, “Holy hell! When did Aussa write and publish a book and why haven’t I heard about it??” That Brittany could be your sister – or at least a Ginger cousin.
Congrats on your kudos – you deserve every single one!!
OMG, I WISH. I would totally take her as my Ginger cousin, and I mean that in the least creepy way possible. Especially since we’re about to sleep in the same room in like two weeks………
Congrats on your well deserved award! I can’t believe you’ve only been blogging for a year and a half. You’re doing amazingly well, and I love your stuff. As for my blog, it’s sort of been my journal where I get out my “stuff”. And on Mother’s Day I revealed my other “secret” blog. Yup. Finally did it. You definitely have the makings of a book with all your stories.
Oh! Can I have a link?! Because I feel like I made a guess about your secret blog and I can’t remember if you told me I was wrong…… OH HOW I LOVE TO BE RIGHT ABOUT UNCOVERING SECRETS.
Aussa, if you guessed me, you were correct!
Well now I’m not sure, AHHHH!!!! I’m going to have to look back at my comments because I remember guessing.. but now I’m not positive…
Here’s a link for you: https://mariner2mother.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/the-minefield-of-mothers-day/
Congrats on the award !
Thank you sir!
I popped over for a peek after a long absence and am happy to see the Queen now has her King and that you’re still accumulating accolades. (Say that 10 times fast.) This all started with a Clown and success happened in fairly short order. Congrats, Aussa. The obvious progression would be to publish, wouldn’t you say?
Hey Hi Hello! And oh yes, I wish to publish. But I’m too busy chronicling things on social media to begin. Hopefully soon.
Congratulations! Death can be pretty funny. Or maybe I’m just weird. I try to avoid funerals as much as I can because I’m afraid I might laugh. I have this irresistible urge to just burst out giggling whenever I’m told that someone died or that there was natural disaster or calamity of some sort and a lot of people died. I just smile so much. Its unsettling. I do empathize but I’m weird.
I work with someone like that. I call the condition “inappropriate laughter response” I swear, she laughs at the worst possible things!
I KNOW. I do the same thing. With all sorts of trauma. When I get bad news, I start laughing. I got some sort of troubling news at the doctor yesterday and I was laughing my ass off. We are both crazy. I like it that way.
Never commented here before but I’ve been reading since…well, quite a while really! Let’s face it, death is quite hilarious sometimes. Congrats on the award! You’re more than deserving =)
It’s probably a silly reason to come out from lurk-kingdom but that foreign language search term you got made me laugh. It’s Arabic, but maybe you already knew that. It literally says “Pretty boy sex ‘gay’ me” with “me” written in Arabic letters. (Unless he means it to be pronounced “my” which means water which doesn’t make sense). Anyways, your response was still spot on =P
Oh my gosh, hi! I’m so glad you commented!
And that’s hilarious– thank you for translating that. “Pretty boy sex gay me,” eh? Well I hope he found what he was looking for 😉
I knew you were award winning a year and a half ago! You have a talent for story telling and a nice conversational style to your writing, as well as the power to draw your audience into your story. I swear I have been more places with you! I look forward to more, let me know when the RV is in the Chicago area Aussa, I’d hate to miss you!
Oh! Alex was just showing me photos of Chicago the other night, and all sorts of random factoids (like he does). I want to visit!
Well, a few things have remained consistent:
1. I still don’t have any odd search terms for my blog
2. The “Freshly Pressed” spotlight has yet to fall on me. I was chosen for “this is good” back on the old VOX platform, however, and at some point, I’ll have to bring that post up to the top (because it was imported when I came to WP) and write a little bit more about it.
You are genuine, Aussa. The cynical part of me notes that women telling amusing horror stories about themselves is very much the trend in blogging right now, but you do it with class, and you genuinely engage your readers. THAT part right there is what’s winning you accolades, IMHO.
Besides, I just about fell out of my chair when you took pictures of the Beanie Baby goat I sent, especially perched on your shoulder while on a telephone call. For me, that will beat being Freshly Pressed ANY day of the week. (Plus it involved a lot of awesome people.) It’s a story I’ve actually told people face to face. Good memories.
Aw! I love that Beanie Baby! I have quite a few photos with it actually. I love all my goats 😉 And FP is such a mystery sometimes. I’m glad I’m not the one who has to make those choices though. Way too difficult. Thanks Jak 🙂
You’re just kookie, a litte cray cray in a good way and love to share…makes for aussome reading material. 🙂
Cray Cray in a Good Way– that’s going in the byline 😉
Congrats! I hope that somehow, some day, my blog will be half as popular as yours. Although that would require me to post…
Which I hopefully will be able to do now that – win: I’m done high school! (Okay, I have one piece of makeup work and a couple of completed worksheets to find, but I’m *essentially* done high school.) But now I have to attempt to get a job, and if I get one I’ll have to stay home alone for three weeks and miss the only chance I have to visit my extended family until Christmas. And they probably wouldn’t be home for my birthday. I’m not even 18, and I’m already adulthood may be ruining (part of) my summer… 🙁
DSM… I already have my diagnos*es*, but what’s one more? 😉
Haha, searches. I write spy/action stories. You have no idea. (“Russian swear words”? No, that’s just weird. “Broken collarbone”/”dislocated thumb”? Yeah, those are repeated searches. Then there’s this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_fire. Which led me to type in the search term “selective fire handgun”.)
Keep writing and you’ll get there– we’re climbing the same hill 🙂 And! Congrats on finishing high school! No, life will open up for you now– seriously it is only going to get better. Sure, there will be some stupid things and some hard things but they’re going to make you who you really want to become and– most exciting– they’re going to give you lots of stories. So go kick some arse.
You and your blog truly are Badass Aussa. Keep us laughing. You deserve this and more.
Thanks John! And I will do my darnedest.
Congratulations, funny girl! I’m glad I was there from the beginning. Your blog has always been extra-extra special, indeed! More Badassness to you!
Gracias 🙂 And yep– you were there from the start!
I am new to blogging, and reading your blog truly inspires me. For me (and likely many others), part of this process has been overcoming huge bouts of self doubt. Most of the blogs I find fall into one of two categories: Those that are wildly successful, and those that have been abandoned. I often read an awesome blog post only to realize that the post was written two years ago, and the author has written nothing since. It can be discouraging, especially for those of us who are just getting started. I can say, happily, that I’m gaining momentum and my readership has experienced modest yet steady growth. Just freeing my writing from the confines of my computer by forcing myself to be brave enough to share it with the world has been intensely liberating. For that reason alone, I can say that my blog is already successful. It’s honest posts like this one, from another funny (even if it was an accident) woman who has been successful, that give me the motivation to keep going.
I knooooow! I do the same thing! I hate when I find a blog that has been abandoned. There was a blogger that started around the same time as me and made the most amazing little comics (with hilarious stories around them) and she had to abandon it due to her course load in college. SADNESS.
So definitely keep going! I’m glad you found me so that now I can find you.
I love the freedom in how you write. I love writing about upcycling and crafting and I am truly blessed with success and readership for my blog but honestly I am so much more than meets the eye and have so many stories and thoughts much like you do. For those who know me they will understand this lol because I am hesitant putting it out there online cemented in forever. I so admire your brave spirit and this is why I only see great things on the horizon for you Aussa cause being yourself is the key to great success… I have thought about starting another blog even an anonymos one at first just to explore this other side of myself…we shall see finding time lately is a struggle, my life is one big unfinished project… That is why I am getting caught up on your blog during my sunday morning stalking session LOL
“My life is one big unfinished project,” I SO feel you on that one. And it’s true– maintaining anonymity or privacy definitely makes it a lot easier to write freely. I would totally recommend an anonymous blog! Of course… that’s just more demand on your time 😉 But possibly worth it. Thank you so much for your kind words!
AUSSA, YOU’RE A FUCKING BITCH 😆
But only like… 20% of the time. The other 70% I’m a cold hearted monster. Then 5% it’s truly heartwarming frothiness. The remaining 5% is this strange mix of unidentifiable and honestly not that interesting traits.