I recently got married, which means life from here on out will be one of pure bliss, rainbows, and perfectly timed musical soundtracks. If our engagement—with its family drama, existential meltdowns, and U.N.-style conflict resolution— is any indication, then it’s all blue skies ahead.
Mostly I’m excited about sex. Not necessarily about having it, but that I can write about it without fear of judgment. It’s been my goal from the very start to become a bona fide sex blogger. Let’s not forget my fantastic advice on how to talk dirty in bed and the thrilling tale of Creepy McCreepster who tried to seduce me in the pantyhose section of JCPenney. For now, I’ll leave you with the following:
Five Sexy Moves To Try Tonight:
#1: Wait until both of you are beneath the sheets—a mess of skin and anticipation—and place your frozen-as-a-dead-fish feet on the innermost area of his thigh.
You’ll know it’s working if… He responds with a high-pitched yelp. You’re on the right track.
#2: Spice it up with a little roleplay—all you need is a costume. My favorite? A threadbare cotton dress I bought in 2007 that is now so stretched and stained that you can’t identify its original color. I like to pull that one out and wear it around the house just to let him know I’m in the mood.
You’ll know it’s working if… His eyes take on a tinge of disappointment as he turns back to face the TV.
#3: Fill your mind with the dark and dirty—all you need is Netflix or HBOGo. My favorite choices are “Game of Thrones” and “Fringe” so that right before we engage in foreplay we can have the mental image of crushed faces, maggot-infested limbs, and incestuous royalty.
You’ll know it’s working if… The set of his jaw his somewhere between “dry heave” and “facepalm.”
#4: Take your pillow talk to a new level—by asking him to explain exactly what he meant when he made that offhand remark 6 hours earlier. He may have thought he was just filling the silence with an arbitrary “Oh I see,” but he probably had some deeper meaning that you can uncover by relentlessly badgering him into confession.
You’ll know it’s working if… He begins to desperately compliment you and/or bring up a distraction he knows you’ll go off on a ranty tangent about.
Tip #5: Keep the mystery alive—by refusing to allow him to see your body. Sex with the lights off can be taken to new levels known as “undressing with the lights off” and “galloping to the bathroom with a pillow covering your arse” and “refusing to take your shirt off until he removes his contacts.”
You’ll know it’s working if… He becomes positively titillated by the sight of a clavicle or partially shaved knee.
If that doesn’t satisfy your lust, you can look forward to the following upcoming articles:
“10 Ways to Incorporate Goat Sounds into Foreplay”
“How to Fall Out of Bed at Crucial Moment”
“The Ultimate Guide to Killing the Mood”
“How to Recreate the 50-Shades-of-Grey-Tampon-Scene”
Pardon me while I draw myself a bath. It’s hard work being this lascivious.
Did anything change in your life after you got married? What kind of a sex article are YOU qualified to write? Do you let your significant other see you totally NAKED?
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