Alex and I got married about a thousand years ago and have already had at least half a dozen near-death experiences. It’s about time we finally get our wedding photos back. I want you to know– despite the fact these photos look like fairy tale magic– that at least one AT&T tech support rep was threatened in order for them to reach you. There was also a minor meltdown that led me to flee the house during a thunderstorm, laptop tucked under my arm, and oaths sworn about my need for “NON SHITTY WIFI.”
The things I do for you guys.
I wish you’d all been able to come to the wedding– it was pretty damn amazing. But we had to pay for it ourselves, so I only sent invites to people that I’d texted within the last 3 months. And Alex’s family, because he actually has one. I invited one– count that, ONE– extended family member: A second cousin I hadn’t seen since I was 13 but who my brothers and sister-in-laws like. But they didn’t come, which totally ruined all the fun jokes I was going to make about how they represented my entire family tree. Oh well, maybe next time.
My wedding dress was this strange yet perfect monstrosity that my sister-in-laws and I all looked at and were like “I don’t hate it…” and then “OMG I LOVE IT” which could have been a combination of exhaustion and alcohol speaking. Either way, it worked out. And I did a lot of movement in that dress. Like… use your imagination. That much.
My bridesmaids kicked ass. I would tell you all sorts of gossipy and scandalous things about them, but unfortunately most of them read this blog. Totally cuts down on the fun we could be having. Just kidding– they were awesome.
All four of my older brothers walked me down the aisle– each about 25% (because I’m good at math) and then Alex met me at the bottom of the stairs– I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take those last few steps as some sort of feminist gesture but let’s be honest, I probably would have tripped and fallen. I only have a few of the photos of my brothers right now, and I’m too impatient to wait until I receive the rest because CARPE YOLO.
I feel awkward posting all of these whimsical and possibly flattering photos– so I’ll just let you know that it took two hours– TWO HOURS– for a trained professional to make it look like I have a lot of healthy hair. And the whole time she was telling me that I need to come back after the honeymoon and let her cut off like three inches of it because it’s so dead. But whatevs– I embrace the illusion of being a princess.
Our wedding party was a lot of fun. If I were to introduce everyone it would be like “This is _____ we used to get drunk together” and “This is ____ he used to get drunk with Alex.” Except for one person on each side. They still walk the straight and narrow. It takes all kinds.
The ceremony was magical. I remember everything– especially the part when the pastor said “Presenting for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Alex Lorens.” There was a collective gasp of horror and hilarity as people wondered if, really, I was having him take my name. Nope. Our pastor was just suffering from a fever/overcome by my amazingness and suggesting that Alex try to get in on some of it.
The reception was fun and nothing terrible happened. The 9,000 feet of fabric I bought to drape over a hideous green wall worked out nicely and our caterer hooked us up with things we didn’t pay for, like crab legs, sushi and oysters on the half shell. Angelle was also there, in her cat ears.
We didn’t smush cake into each other’s faces. But I did drink our entire bottle of champagne by myself. After drinking like ten other bottles of champagne earlier in the day.
When we left, our loved ones pelted us with dried lavender that I’d shucked until my hands were raw. I imagined it as a mist of wonderfully scented heaven confetti, but it was really like having aromatic missiles launched at our heads. There was also a lego in there somewhere.
That about sums it up. I wrote down a million other things to tell you about, but my iCloud fecked up and deleted my notes and I can’t think about it without finding myself unable to breathe because of all the (obviously) brilliant thoughts I lost as a result. I have to say– I don’t regret having a wedding. I’m glad we didn’t elope, because it was a lot of fun (once I’d stopped crying the day before, over who was going to pick up 7 bags of ice at 3PM. Thankfully my Sister-In-Law Moo rescued me from myself by taking away my portfolio of spreadsheets and diagrams so I could go bathe in champagne and fruit snacks).
If you want more photos, you should probably follow or friend me on facebook where I’ll be posting the more horrifying details. And if anything, this whole thing reminded me that despite my staunch insistence that I am alone and doomed in this world, there really are people out there that care. I hope you guys will remind me if I ever forget.
Also: the winner of my “Fat Girl Walking” giveaway was Quirky Chrissy! This totally seems rigged, since Chrissy is a whole lot awesome and also a blogger, but it was random chance and Excel, and–obviously– fate. I’ll be doing another giveaway in June, so you’ll definitely want to make sure you’re on my e-mail list:
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