I know I already told you how I feel about gender roles and equality in marriage, but that was before I truly realized what I was getting myself into. It’s been four months of this madness and I’m starting to realize how marriage actually works. It’s all about striking bargains and ensuring you get a fair trade for what you’re bringing to the table.
Example #1: Alex is welcome to grope a boob at pretty much anytime he pleases. In return, he has to endure (what he calls) my “unplanned emotional distress” when I feel hopeless/my pants are too tight/someone had a tone.
Example #2: I get to enjoy having a boy take the trash out every day (maybe)… but I have to trip over a week’s worth of worn boxers to get to the bathroom sink.
Example #3: He cooks dinner every night and I (theoretically) clean the kitchen on a semi-regular basis. Sort of.
Example #4: I get to be the baby spoon and feel his love and affection wash over me. This means I also feel his toots wash over me.
Example #5: He helps me take care of Zola, but I have to take her to the vet more often because she’s growing more and more obese due to him bribing her with extra scoops of food all the time.
Example #6: He brings me flowers, but he also torments me with a Mardi Gras clown from the bowels of hell.
Example #7: I get to buy ten million dollars’ worth of necessities from Sephora so long as I also bring home the most expensive battery-operated Nerf gun I can find, and then allow him to shoot me with it on a regular basis.
Example #8: Since he moved in, I have a TV for the first time in a decade, so now I can compulsively re-watch every episode of Game of Thrones on the big screen—but the rest of the time I have to suffer 900 hours/week of little British sportscasters wearing tweed jackets while discussing cricket (or something).
Example #9: He goes downstairs to get all the things I forget to bring up with me (iPhone charger, water for the keurig that’s beside the bed, a new bottle of contact solution, etc. etc.) but I have to be chased by him every single time I walk up the stairs with him behind me.
Example #10: I have someone to help me feel safe at night. Except for when he waits until I’m in a trance-like state, eyes closed, listening to an audiobook in bed, and then touches the side of my face like a bug, causing me to scissor-kick my way out of the covers in a complete state of panic, leaving me incapable of stilling my heart or ever actually falling asleep or feeling rested or at peace or able to live in this world in any way at all.
Now I think about it… I actually have no idea how this whole marriage thing is supposed to work.
What fair trades exist in YOUR relationship? Do you suffer any similar “unplanned emotional distress?” Have you ever realized you have no idea what you’re doing?
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