It’s like the circle of life, you guys. You start out with some very basic fucks: Air, affection, food, etc. Then you grow up a bit and start acquiring all sorts of frivolous fucks to give. You want to look a certain way, own certain things, and– more than anything– you want people to view you a certain way. And the fucks? They just keep piling high.
Pretty soon you’re standing at the bottom of a mighty tower of fucks. And even though you’re giving those fucks all over the place, the tower just grows and grows. No matter how many fucks you give, there are always more. It’s like that scene from Gremlins where they keep multiplying and eventually form an army.
Only then will they stop piling upon you like so many bricks in a bag of unwanted kittens. Thankfully, most fucks follow the same basic lifecycle.
Fuck-Cycle Phase One: SPAWNING
You’re figuring out how the world works. You realize what is valuable by watching how people react to each other. Some sort of currency is being exchanged and you want to buy in.
REALIZATION: As a woman, I must either be beautiful and willing to have others define me by my sexuality OR I must be brilliant but a-sexual and above all that nonsense.
CONCLUSION: In order to win points at life, I must have things that others can envy.
Fuck-Cycle Phase Two: SPROUTING
You become focused on obtaining what you want. You will give as many fucks as it takes to get it.
REALIZATION: I want a nose like Christy Turlington so I can be beautiful. I want Natalie Portman’s accent so I can be mysterious and alluring.
CONCLUSION: My life needs to look a certain way so the people above me will think I’m one of them and the people below me will wish to become me. This is where I buy nice clothes, an expensive car, and anything else I can think of. Even if it means I’m broke. Even if it means I’m late on my electric bill so I can have a new dress.
Fuck-Cycle Phase Three: SENTIENCE
You become aware of what a mess you’ve gotten yourself into. All these fucks are just flying all over the place like some free market fuckonamy.
REALIZATION: It may be a game but it’s one I think I can win. I try to manipulate and control other people (for their own good, of course) by toying with all the fucks they have to give.
CONCLUSION: My attempt to use their fucks against them causes me to give an unprecedented amount of fucks in return. A vast swirling vortex of fuck-giving threatens to destroy the very fabric of the universe but I’m too busy refreshing my newsfeed and making sure no one sees me going through this drive thru two days in a row.
Fuck-Cycle Phase Four: SELF-DESTRUCTION
You try to do the opposite of giving fucks because giving fucks is exactly what is making your life so unbearable.
REALIZATION: I will take up the banner cry of my generation, screaming “I give no fucks!” into the abyss.
CONCLUSION: I give a lot of fucks about convincing people that I don’t give any. I invest time and money into making it appear as though my fuck account has been liquidated and I’m living on nothing but a cocktail of carpe yolo and namaste.
Fuck-Cycle Phase Five: EXTINCTION
You’re absolutely tired. There are so many things you’d rather be doing than giving all these fucks.
REALIZATION: No one else seems to be doing any better than I am, so I stop competing with all the fucks they have to give. I tentatively attempt to give fewer fucks than previously given. No one dies. I go a little longer without giving any fucks and everyone is still alive. No one is throwing feces at me or revoking my citizenship.
CONCLUSION: The more I flex my ungiving-of-fucks-muscle, the stronger it grows.
As you ferociously give no fucks, people around you will take notice. Beware of those who give a lot of fucks about the lack of fucks you’re giving. You are a threat to all those precious fucks because if you refuse to give any, you diminish the overall value of a fuck. Your very life is a mockery of all their fucks.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because no fucks are being given at the moment.
What do you not give a fuck about? Where are you in this lifecycle of fuck-giving? Do you think it’s good or bad to give a lot of fucks?
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