You clicked on this because you thought it was about sex, didn’t you? Well, fear not, because I have plenty of advice about that topic here and here. But today I’m talking about actual sleep. Because Momma needs her sleep. Even when Momma is not an actual Momma (except to Zola, a comparison I would never make because I don’t want to be massacred by a bunch of Baby-Bjorn-wearing sanctimommies wielding hardback copies of Baby Wise and screaming at me about attachment parenting and public breastfeeding).
I got distracted. This isn’t about sex or Moms (though that certainly sounds like fun!) This is about sleeping with your husband. Because I’m a marriage expert by mere virtue of the fact I am married. As far as I can tell, this is how it goes.
Step 1: Position the husband on one side of king mattress, then lay in the very center. Get as close to him as possible (make sure some part of your skin is touching, even if the bedroom is blazing hot) and then stare at him with fierce affection.
Step 2: When he asks whether you can give him a little more space and possibly utilize some of the vast space on your side of the bed, make minimal effort to comply. Toss your hand of the edge of your side of the bed to demonstrate how far you are. Then put your feet on top of his legs because somehow they are still freezing cold (even though the two of you are sweating from the heat).
Step 3: Distract him with witty banter and sexual innuendo so you can slowly scoot back over towards him.
Step 4: Mildly comply when he once again asks for you to give him a little more space. Make sure that a part of your body is touching him at all times. Pretend to fall asleep so that he will let his guard down.
Step 5: Wait until he reaches up to turn off the bedside lamp and then ATTACK! The armpits are your best strategy, but don’t forget the vulnerability of all that lies below the waist.
Step 6: Repeat step 5 over and over, possibly while making animal sounds.
Step 7: Realize you have to go to work in 6 hours and decide to fall asleep. Invite the husband to be the big spoon (even though it’s a thousand degrees) and get super comfortable, even if this means all your dry-shampoo-infused and unbrushed hair lands all over his face.
Step 8: Resist, Scream, and Fight when he responds by pushing all your own hair into your face.
Step 9: Tell him you won’t stand for this abuse and that he owes you all sorts of sexual favors.
Step 10: Fall asleep so you can wake up, live another day, and do it all again.
What does YOUR sleep ritual look like? Are you a bed hog? Were you disappointed about the lack of sex in this post?
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