The odds of me getting fired seem to increase by the day. Maybe this is how my own father felt about his double life… in which case, I guess I kind of get it. There’s a strange thrill to sitting in a meeting, nodding your head like “yes” while your boss shares an idea that makes you scream a thousand unheard “NO’s!” whilst taking notes to mock her on the internet later.
At some point they’ll probably call me into a room, show me a screenshot of this blessed space on the internet, and I will join the ranks of the unemployed. On that day, I will likely do the following:
1. Send a mass email to every employee that works for this corporation, letting them know how much I’ve loved working here for the last five years. And by “loved” I mean “vengeance will be mine, thus sayeth the Aussa.”
2. Smuggle out the box of weird mail I’ve received over the years: a bloody toothbrush, some unintelligible rap lyrics, a fake lawsuit, love letters, and all sorts of other treasures.
3. Write all the stories I hinted about keeping secret in this post.
4. Have some sort of epic reality TV show binge. I’m talking full blown “a dark part of my soul is opening up from watching this bullshit.” Like Kardashians. No, no, stop. That’s what I’ll probably end up doing if they don’t fire me.
5. Update my smuggled flash drive for the last time with all the stuff I keep in a folder on my work computer labeled “bullshit.”
6. Steal my extra set of keys because that shit could come in handy for future devious behavior.
7. Let them know I was the one who’s been sabotaging their bullshit ideas for the last 6 weeks whilst sitting in on War Room meetings designed to determine who the mole is. Make remarks like “that was really fun tracing the IP address that routed through my own VPN.”
8. Pull out the box of files I’ve been keeping for the last four years so I could eventually write a book about this place.
9. Run all the stop signs on my way off campus, window rolled down, middle finger in the air.
10. Dance, motherfucker. I will dance all the way home.
Have you ever been fired from a job? What’s the first thing you would do if you lost your job right now? Do you have any spiteful fantasies running through your mind?
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I have never been fired..but I probably SHOULD have been fired a few times. And vengeful thoughts take up way too much of my time. haha
I saw your cubicle photo! If that’s how you look when you think vengeful thoughts then *rawr*
I’m sorry. I need to stop.
If I lost my job right now, I’d be in a world of hurt, because my job is mother and wife. That would mean my son would be gone and so would my hubster. Since my non-paying job is going nowhere, I’ll share about a job I had one summer when I was a teenager. I worked at an ice cream parlor and at the same time was a maid at a nearby tourist motel. I liked the maid job because I got my room assignments and went about my business making them gleam. However, the ice cream place I worked for was owned by a complete ass. He would schmooze the customers, and as soon as there was a lull in business, he’d rant and rave at us for not doing this and not doing that. Hello! Let’s have some job training here before bitching out your minimum wage teenage help. One of the girls quit before I did, and she took a #10 can of strawberries in sauce (what we used for the ice cream sundae bar). We all had a big party and used the strawberries in a big punch bowl. Not long after that, I quit too. I was way too wimpy to enact any kind of revenge, although I regularly took home a pint or this ice cream or a pint of that.
But about 15 years later, I was running a fuel boat in the same tourist harbor, and as I was taking the boat from marina to marina, fueling up bigger boats and yachts, my boss introduced me to this man who was my former boss. My former boss had no idea who I was, and was all friendly and fakey fake. I, of course, didn’t mention that I had ever worked for him. He made a fortune off the backs of kids with his ice cream and candy businesses.
How bizarre. This is like the last finale from Game of Thrones except you didn’t stab his eyes out.
Guess I’ll have to watch Game of Thrones…
Most of these, in particular number 9, makes me think of Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady,” which is pretty much the highest compliment I can pay you.
This sounds serious. I’m going to pull that song up and listen to it and make sure I’m worthy.
Thank you for that earwurm- even if Aussa can’t hear Marshall Mathers III rapping the lines in her head, I sure can.
It should be noted that there’s a redheaded woman in the video… but not as classy as Aussa. (Have fun figuring out who that woman is, Aussa. Muhahaha.)
I had one job that was crappy in oh so many ways. It didn’t have to be but the boss made it so. After trying to run me off for three months because the organization, with a small staff, was over budget and I was the highest paid employee, and seeing that I wasn’t taking the clue to find employment elsewhere, I was called in right before the end of the fiscal year and told that I wasn’t cutting it.
I was then asked to sign a document stating that, in effect, it was in everybody’s best interest if the company and I parted ways. (Signing this, of course, would absolve the organization of any future financial obligation, such as paying for unused vacation, etc.) Instead I stood up, opened the door to my boss’s office and stated in a loud voice so everyone could hear to “Blow it out your ass!” I repeated this several times while my boss said in a condescending tone that it “didn’t have to end like this.” I then proceeded to hire a labor lawyer.
In retrospect, getting fired was a blessing, but if I couldn’t exit on my own terms at least I was able to tell the jackass how I really felt.
I love this story. It warms my cold little heart as I freeze in the office air conditioning. I dream of such an exit and it motivates me to continue showing up for work, in case I get such an opportunity.
I believe your exit in such a situation would be one for the ages. What a conundrum: I would hate for you to be fired, but I know the blog posts such an action would generate would be priceless.
AHHH the dichotomy. I know. So many possibilities…
Sounds not too bad! You sure you want to stay there?
No. No I am not. Ha!
I think I am trying to go…one way or the other. I already packed all my stuff and cleaned out my desk months ago, and weekly I move stuff to Dropbox, etc. Just in case….
Yessss. We are at the same place, aren’t we? My office is barren. I would just grab my coffee cup, bag, and flash drive. Bye Felicia.
Never been fired, but quit after an immense amount of bullshit. I took too much abuse in my non-working from home days and always found that niche as an office punching bag. There’s one job specifically that I’d have tons of stories to share if I didn’t think people from that job were lurking around my blog and Facebook page. Eh, I’m happy and enjoy the life of an author, so the jokes on them. Hope you don’t go to the dark side of reality TV though. Wandered over there a few times and it has hooks that refuse to release those foolish enough to challenge them.
Working from home sounds like a dream. And oh yes, the lurkers. A certain number of our stats are often dedicated to lurkers and silent haters, haha.
Reality TV. I don’t watch hardly any TV, other than Game of Thrones, etc. I’m not sure what reality TV I’ve watched… Though I feel like I have. I’ve just blocked it out.
Some days it’s a dream. Then I remember I live with my retired father and the 6-year-old doesn’t stay at school all day. 🙂 Eh, there’s always a trade-off and I’d rather this than being locked in a cubicle (aka box of soul-sucking horror).
I used to watch Pro Wrestling in college and that might be the closest thing. Not sure if nature shows count.
Kudos there on the pro wrestling reference. I’m absolutely sure my father would be horrified if he ever learned it’s one of my guilty pleasures.
I had a few friends that always pointed out that it was scripted. I mean, they’d do it once a week as if I wasn’t listening before. Didn’t make it any less fun at the time.
I can tell you, Charles, that most of the fans I’ve run into do indeed know all of that, and they know quite a bit of how the industry works- the roles of heel and face, and so on. Maybe it’s a little more transparent than it once was, but maybe it’s that things were found out… and they enjoy it regardless.
Things have changed a lot since Vince Sr. was in charge of things, or so I’ve heard, read via the Internet. A lot since Terry Hogan did Rocky III. I’m aware a good chunk of the U.S. wrestlers are Texans. I can see how pro wrestling crosses over to stuntwork, although I’m less certain of how it translates into acting gigs. I get the impression today’s fans are very aware of the performance aspect and the choreographed stunts, the storyarcs… and they seem to LOVE those very aspects.
I think that’s why my father would be horrified. He thinks it’s fakery, but, that’s rather why I love it. (I don’t care for the mainstream prejudiced attitudes- I think GLBT wrestlers could use more respect, but, eh.)
True. Being a kid, I had no idea that it was fake. Although I never really considered it was real either. It was just fun. Only when I was an adult and got back into it during the college days did the ‘it’s not real’ stuff enter the picture.
I think the acting stems from how they do the promos. There does have to be some charisma when you’re pushing your character. Sometimes that makes the difference between top tier and jobber. Or just the ability to be in that character like Undertaker and Kane.
I haven’t actually watched in a long time. So I stumble onto it and have no idea who is who. Are there a lot of GLBT wrestlers now?
Not that I can discern from the WWE spotlight. I gather they are still underground, mostly, on the independent circuits. Personally, I think it’d be more interesting, especially for women’s wrestling. All the junk the Diva era introduced… blech. Too much sexism and stereotypes for my liking. But… Vince Jr. is a modern businessman, it seems; all about what makes the money and what keeps things rolling, and I don’t think diversity is a huge selling point yet.
When was the Diva era? Was that the late 90’s and early 2000’s? I remember the times of Lita and Trish Stratus. Then things seemed to get weird and less wrestling.
Yeah, around that time.
I’ve heard people say it really changed once Vince made himself and his family characters on the shows. Then it really tossed aside the illusion of reality and took on a different flavor of wacky.
That makes sense to me. I’ve seen old interviews of Vince… he didn’t seem to be “roided up” and muscle-popping at the time. Of course, once he got to the ring, he had to.
I’ve never followed matches too closely- I mostly caught it here and there. But yes, once Vince and his kids went in… “flavor of wacky” is putting it mildly.
I’m just very glad Justin Bieber never got into the ring. Dennis Rodman showing up was bizarre enough.
I got back into it around Summerslam ’98 when Stone Cold Steve Austin was top of the heap and the early feud with Vince was going on. It was fun at first, but then you started to realize something was off. Especially when the kids got involved and then you just focused on the guys not involved in that story line.
There did seem to be a trend of putting celebrities in the ring with wrestlers at one point. I remember Drew Carey in the Royal Rumble, but that was just an in and jump out when Kane turned up.
Yes – I was fired for looking for another job while eating lunch in my office. And by lunch, I mean the 5 minutes i was able to finagle to myself around 3:30 pm because we weren’t allowed to leave/stop working the minute we walked into the labor camp that was the home health company i worked for. I was so happy to leave Crazytown that I can now look at everything else in life and say… “Yeah.. This is cake!”
I can’t imagine that pace of work. I know people who have to get permission to go to the bathroom. That blows my mind. It’ll definitely be one thing I “miss” when I don’t work here and am some place where I can’t just be like “okay it’s 2pm I’m going to run some errands I’ll be back later.” Haha ridiculous.
I was fired once for “Walking into the place like you were going to be President the next day”. This was a solid year after I was hired so apparently they had no problem holding a grudge. I joined an awesome investment company three days later.
Wow. They fired you for not walking around like a self-loathing servant? Sounds like a wonderful environment. Love that you found a new job so quickly.
Is there a leave-taking in the works or is this just being prepared?
You forgot #11… Leave… LIKE A BOSS!
Oh you know me. I’m always prepared for what’s coming 😉
I got fired once, They gave me a large separation bonus,plus 2 months with pay in my office to look for another job. They were very kind.
Damn. If they fired me like that, I would only do a few things on my list 😉
This got me all excited to just up and quit my job today, but then I thought — Bills. Food. You know, all the things money can buy you so I’m figuring I should keep the job (at least until I win the lottery or something). Bleh.
Ugh bills and food, they just hold us back from all the things we want to do, right? I hear that children also require money. This sounds complicated.
I worked for a major bank for some time in their credit card department. We were instructed to be especially rude to customers who had low APR’s in order to get them to leave the bank because we weren’t making money on them anyway. Had a very elderly gentleman call me late one night in tears because he and his wife were both hospitalized for extended stays and they had missed their credit card payments for a month and their rate had jumped horribly. Seeing as I needed to waive 2 late fees (they each had a different credit card acct) and readjust their APR back to what it was I needed a supervisors authorization. You guessed it, supervisor said no way.. now they’ll leave because they’re APR was too low to begin with. Went back to my desk, ran the changes anyway and figured what are they going to do.. fire me? Finally after having my soul sucked out of me day after day I finally decided I could not take it anymore. Talked to my family and told them I was going to quit and they were supportive. The next day I went to work and waited for my boss to come it. I had everything in my desk packed by the time she rolled in. I literally SKIPPED to her desk to give her my two weeks notice knowing that they’d just have me leave immediately anyway because who wants a disgruntled employee telling customers what’s REALLY going on. Best day of my life.
Wow. That is quite a story. And freaking bravo to you for being a human being. Hearing stories like this always makes me sick. I remember working for AT&T… Which is nothing compared to a credit card company, I know. But I hated talking people into spending money they didn’t have on things they didn’t need. I can’t help but trace the consequences of bad spending behavior and what it might do to a relationship, a family, whatever. It’s hard to try and add something to someone’s bill just to pocket $5.
I’ve been fired for telling my editor to fuck off. I think I’d have got away with it, but I was … umm … a bit loud. And his “office” was a cubicle. It didn’t matter, because by the time it happened I’d already been headhunted by another magazine. Since the guy doing the firing (the managing editor) was somewhat sympathetic, he allowed me to resign instead.
My last full-time job I didn’t get fired. I quit. Also loudly – as in, “Fuck this job – I QUIT” – SLAM! This happened in the middle of an “evaluation”, during which my boss’s bitch read a long list of complaints – including (I am not making this up) that I intimidated the project managers by demanding that they meet deadlines, that I didn’t show adequate commitment to ensuring that projects were completed by deadline, and that the comfy chair I kept in my office for the project managers to snooze on while I worked on their reports was unsightly.
I have decided that I’m unemployable.
Seriously, Aussa, why don’t you quit? I understand that the job gives you lots of blog fodder, but you’ll find blog fodder wherever you go!
Woah! You have some nerve, wow. Did you ever have a hard time getting a new job? As in, having a bad reference? That’s fantastic.
And I have almost five years here. When I leave I want to be ready for the next thing I do for several years… So I’m working on that now. In the meantime I have months of salary saved just in case. HAHA
Well, I was in my early 20s when I told my ed to shove it, plus I’d just had a really excellent job offer elsewhere, so that wasn’t so brave. And he was the most horrible jerk! The job I quit (loudly) was about 8 or 9 years ago … I didn’t want a job – I wanted to freelance and Write (which is pretty much what I did before coming to the US – I’ve been fulltime employed maybe five years, total). Then I spent five or six years running a dog rescue, which was way more than full time, although I didn’t get paid for it. I’ve been for some interviews since then but I don’t really want to be an employee … maybe they can tell. I’m pretty sure my references tell them I’m fabulous (I pick my references carefully!) but, you know (or probably you don’t), when you’re fat, foreign, in your 50s, and have a resume that jumps around all over the place, people don’t necessarily line up to hire you. Sometimes I worry about it … but then I get busy with something else and all worry falls out of my mind. There’ll be time enough for regrets when my dogs and I are homeless, I guess…lol.
To clarify … I’ve been fulltime employed by someone else for maybe five years of my adult life. I’ve had my own business several times, and been a freelancer/consultant, and of course the dog rescue – Himself and I started it and I ran I until I burned out. But I don’t count the time I’ve spent being self-employed, since I’m not really likely to fire myself… 🙂 And if I did, I’d be sure to give myself an EXCELLENT reference!
Well I think that all sounds like a wild ride. So long as you don’t end up homeless, I doubt you’ll regret not wasting your life working 40 hours a week towards someone else’s goal.
I’ve never been fired. I can’t quit my job because I’m a SAHM homeschooling my son (no, I’m not one of *those* holier than thou crazy homeschooling moms). But, I’m delighted to be out of the dysfuntional work force because I’ve worked with the creme de la creme of Crazies. It’s so nuts, I’d have to post about it under an assumed name.
I don’t judge homeschool moms! My SIL does it and even though she frightens me with the amount she accomplishes, I think she’s awesome.
I can’t imagine being free of the work force. I did it once, for about a year… the freedom is amazing. The dwindling bank account, not. so. much.
I’ve never been fired but I’ve left positions for something better, many times. I endorse freedom and dancing, Aussa.
Ah, I admire you Ann. I need to be better about leaving. I tend to work for a place for five years, the last three of which are soul destroying. And then when I leave, its under extreme measures.
Your soul is too beautiful to be destroyed, Aussa!
What a beautiful exit fantasy. There are dark parts of my soul where I pray that I will someday be fired so that I am forced to do what I really want and see if I can make a living at it. Of course, given that I’m actually self-employed, I don’t see the firing coming any time soon. *sigh*
I know exactly what you mean (aside from the self-employed thing) about kind of wishing it would happen so you could enact your terrifying ultimate plan. I’m trying to actually take some steps to make it possible… but the juggling is definitely difficult. Here’s to both of us eventually finding ourselves the good kind of unemployed 😉
I’ll drink to that! (Except it’s 7:30 in the morning, so I guess I’ll drink a diet coke to that!)
Reading your work stories reminds me that I really have nothing to complain about. My boss is practically boring compared to yours — thank goodness! I’ve never been fired but had one asshole boss when I was much younger who makes me cringe when I think about him.
I used to dislike my old boss. Now I would do almost anything to get him back to replace this woman. I would LOVE someone boring at this point! I can only dream for the future…
Yup – I think we all fantasize about this. I’m playing Poerball gain as it’s up to $235,000,000 now. I would dance my way right out of the office!
Ha! I’ve never purchased a lottery ticket… my coworker and I used to say we should start a payday ticket purchase but we always forget. You should remind me to buy a ticket and if I win, I’ll buy you something. Like a puppy. The most expensive puppy in the world.
Yup – I think we all fantasize about this. I’m playing Powerball again as its up to $235,000,000 now. I would dance my way right out of the office!
I was fired 2 weeks before Christmas once. I fantasized about throwing a brick through the front window of the place. I don’t know why. I’ve never thrown a brick in my life. As is usually the case, I needed to get out of there and they did me a huge favor.
Wow, right before Christmas? That’s cold (badum-ching. But really). I ALWAYS think about throwing bricks through windows. In fact, there is a brick sitting right outside the door I use to go into my office… I assume it was someone’s doorstop at some point, but I like to think it’s there for me to throw. Someday…
I too am contemplating/planning so that I may leave the door swinging behind me. If all goes well these life altering events I have been so cryptic about lately in your comments section should commence in the spring and I can try my damnedest to leave this place with dignity. Sadly, if I do that I will also be taking its only remaining dignity with me when I go. UGH. LOL
Ha, take that dignity and let them sink without you. I look forward to learning the truth behind these cryptic plans 🙂
I thought about you today while I was at Highland Hospital for my doctor’s appointment. In the waiting room they had a video playing about the Alameda County Medical System, and part of it concerned their psychiatric care center, and how it has become a model of forward thinking policy in how patients are treated, and because of this their use of restraints is way down, as is the incidence of assault. They said they were striving to maximize patient autonomy during visits, and challenging the idea that the patients could not make decisions in their own best interests. That’s not the part that reminded me of you, however. It was the name of the facility: The John George Psychiatric Pavilion. I thought “That sounds like the kind of place where Aussa would work…”
Ha, interesting! You know… we used to have very good (meaning low) seclusion and restraint numbers. But they’ve gotten terrible since my new boss. Like… our compliance went from 98% for months to 17%. It’s terrible how one person can cause so much damage.
I was just curious about why they call it a pavilion. I thought a pavilion was like a circus tent or something…
This is how ridiculous my frame of reference is. It didn’t even occur to me. Then again, we like to put on parades over here.
Seclusion and restraints went up? Oh ugh ugh ugh, Aussa, I’ve seen that shit. Never experienced it myself, but I’ve seen the process. Let me guess, your boss was prepping for the Rapture again? She needs to learn Debbie Harry’s version already…
Oh. Fuck. I forgot this is the woman that forgot straitjackets aren’t a thing anymore.
Gawwwd Aussa. Get fired already. Those stories are waiting.
Btw, the last time I worked in a sucky place, I resigned and joined hands with a job consultant and poached every single “good employee” out of the company. I was a hero for a while.
I’d recommend that you add that to the list, but the kind of coworkers you have, they’re better off where they are…
Ha, right?! Well all the mildly decent and poachable people are fleeing in droves! Every week I hear of a new resignation. Wait a sec. Why isn’t anyone poaching me? 😉
when it comes, just consider it a mini early retirement –
Right? That’s what I said when I left my job with AT&T to go travel in Asia. People were like “…why?” Um, because I’m retired. Obvs.
Have to say I have never been fired and that I really do enjoy my job. However I have fantisised about being made redundant. Because I have worked here FOREVER they would have to pay me out enough money to put a deposit on a house… in London. And I think I would buy Mr O and I couple of those world travel open plane tickets and just go traveling for a year.
I remember you talking about how you like your job! You nut. Just kidding. You’re fortunate.
Being made redundant… I wish that were a thing at my job. No, they would just be like “here’s $30 for your one hour of vacation you still have left.”
Is it wrong of me to wish that you get fired? I don’t wish unemployment on you, I just need to read that book of yours!
Three of my co-workers and I are gearing up for a sales meeting next week. Ugh – we aren’t salespeople, we are sales support which mean the three of us introverts will be lost in a sea of outgoing people choking on tapas, chicken, and boxed wine. We may skip the company mixer and get matching tattoos and piercings instead. Whaddya think? Answer carefully – I plan to take career advice from you now.
xo
Oh I am definitely the person you should be taking career advice from. No doubt.
I would recommend sending many emails and texts about how excited you are about the email. Make lots of plans and tell people how much you will accomplish.
Then, on the day of the meeting, you need to either miss your flight (if you’re flying) or have some sort of car issue. You then express how absolutely BUMMED you are and that you can’t believe you missed it.
We can google car problems and really beef up the details.
Aussa- this is one of SEVERAL reasons I’m glad I’m on disability.
I will still get stupid questions about employment from someone that doesn’t know me or hasn’t seen me in years, though. Thankfully, my home church congregation knows better. I pity the church fools that have been out of touch long enough, because I’m sorely tempted to tell the next person who asks, “So, what do you do?” to fuck off.
Granted, here’s a very odd irony: my bishop is a pharmaceutical rep. One time, someone left a plastic container with prescription pills in it, covered with aluminum foil, right next to the driver’s side wheel of my car. I took it to him and asked him to quietly dispose of it; I’m not taking any mysterious drug gifts. If I’m going to get stoned, I want to know what it is. Y’know, because my first trip inpatient years ago was after an OD. I knew I was honestly fucking myself up because I knew what the drugs were.
I have never been fired, but work is so crazy busy right now that I would welcome it. I would sleep. I would enjoy time off. I would forget all the disturbing medical information that I have assimilated over the past 12+ years. Mostly I would sleep.
Hopefully it slows down soon. Or that its the good kind of crazy busy. Though you should definitely sleep.
I can’t imagine having that much disturbing medical info. I read my friend’s dermatology textbook for about 5 minutes in a car once and couldn’t eat for a day and a half.
HA! The last time I quit a job, they came crawling back begging me to return because they finally realized what I’d been saying all along… I’m the only person around here who fuckin DOES anything! I made a bunch of unreasonable demands which they all-too-eagerly acquiesced to… and now I’m a nightmare to work with because they know they need me more than I need them, and they know that I know it too. I’m beyond positive they want to have a ‘you have developed a bad attitude’ conversation with me, but are too scared I’ll threaten to leave again. Which I will. They brought this on themselves.
You are my hero. You need to write a handbook on what to do in order to reach the exact situation you are in right now. Because you’re livin’ the dream.
I have a similar list. Soooo many people would go down. It would make national news.
Gah let’s both get fired, this sounds fun!
That is the BEST “When I Get Fired…” list ever. I couldn’t top that, really!
As for me, I think plans for vengeance ceased when I transferred departments b>finally; but if my termination does happen then I’d like to think WTFElsewhere is vengeance enough… maybe. We’ll see what happens. 😉
I’m glad you transferred departments and felt less of a desire for acts of violence and vigilantism. I’m afraid there is no such department for me… they have all been infiltrated… with stupidity. And oh yes– the blogs are definitely vengeance 😉
The first thing I would do upon being fired from my job is great drunk – which I know is no great surprise. Then, I would surround myself by my pussies (I know how that word makes you squirm!) and not take my pajamas off for two weeks while stuffing my face with chips and dip. Upon that point, I might start applying for entry level jobs where there is no need to apply myself 100%. I know, I know. I’m an overachiever.
Hahaha! No need to apply yourself 100%. YUP! I said the exact same thing to Alex! I was like… Now that we’re married can I just write and bring home the bare minimum as long as I promise to follow your career wherever? Unambitious works for me.
YES! Marriage works like that in our favor!
I was fired just before Christmas last year and it took me two months to find another full time job… in Vancouver which is an uber expensive city. My diet became the “unemployment weight loss diet”. 🙁 Not fun.
I complained to the labour board, but I was on my probation term as a new hire, so technically, anyone can fire you for any reason within those magical 90 days. >.<
Just before Christmas? That’s awful. I can see why you would be hesitant to leave where you are now, even if its toxic. Hopefully something works out soon… without having to eat air for meals.
Right? Sometimes, it sort of warms your heart when an employer values you… even if they are corrupt. LOL!