The odds of me getting fired seem to increase by the day. Maybe this is how my own father felt about his double life… in which case, I guess I kind of get it. There’s a strange thrill to sitting in a meeting, nodding your head like “yes” while your boss shares an idea that makes you scream a thousand unheard “NO’s!” whilst taking notes to mock her on the internet later.
At some point they’ll probably call me into a room, show me a screenshot of this blessed space on the internet, and I will join the ranks of the unemployed. On that day, I will likely do the following:
1. Send a mass email to every employee that works for this corporation, letting them know how much I’ve loved working here for the last five years. And by “loved” I mean “vengeance will be mine, thus sayeth the Aussa.”
2. Smuggle out the box of weird mail I’ve received over the years: a bloody toothbrush, some unintelligible rap lyrics, a fake lawsuit, love letters, and all sorts of other treasures.
3. Write all the stories I hinted about keeping secret in this post.
4. Have some sort of epic reality TV show binge. I’m talking full blown “a dark part of my soul is opening up from watching this bullshit.” Like Kardashians. No, no, stop. That’s what I’ll probably end up doing if they don’t fire me.
5. Update my smuggled flash drive for the last time with all the stuff I keep in a folder on my work computer labeled “bullshit.”
6. Steal my extra set of keys because that shit could come in handy for future devious behavior.
7. Let them know I was the one who’s been sabotaging their bullshit ideas for the last 6 weeks whilst sitting in on War Room meetings designed to determine who the mole is. Make remarks like “that was really fun tracing the IP address that routed through my own VPN.”
8. Pull out the box of files I’ve been keeping for the last four years so I could eventually write a book about this place.
9. Run all the stop signs on my way off campus, window rolled down, middle finger in the air.
10. Dance, motherfucker. I will dance all the way home.
Have you ever been fired from a job? What’s the first thing you would do if you lost your job right now? Do you have any spiteful fantasies running through your mind?
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