My boss is the sort of person who can’t walk to the bathroom without coming up with six new things she wants to change. She’ll request different trashcans, start moving the framed certificates on the wall, or rearrange the foyer furniture outside our offices. Whatever new idea she comes up with is quickly abandoned when her next stroke of insanity hits. She tends to only follow through if there’s some underlying vindictiveness keeping her motivated—like our new dress code policy that will cost $28,000 a year and is due entirely to her dislike of a woman who wears a black shirt and pants every single day.
But there are more bullshit ideas. So many more. These are my favorites:
1. “Let’s rename our 50-year old buildings after Native American tribes because I want to be a 50-year old hipster.”
Our buildings are all identified by a number. This streamlines things like billing and inventory but is very boring to people with 6-figure salaries who keep curling irons and small dog statues in their office.
2. “Let’s make a parody video because I want to feel cool.”
She announced this project on her first day. She hadn’t yet learned our names and didn’t know how many patients were at the hospital but she did know how awesome it would be for her to dance in a fur coat while pushing a stretcher.
3. “Let’s try as hard as possible to injure our patients because I want to feel like a badass.”
Up until about 6 months ago we were considered a trauma-informed hospital. This means we try not to put our hands on patients unless it’s an emergency. We assume they’ve experienced trauma in the past and don’t want to repeat it. Then there’s my boss, who likes to brag about kicking off her heels, pulling her hair back, and “taking down” patients. She once provoked an attack by goading a woman about how she’d likely never see her kids again. After staff intervened and pinned the young woman to the ground, she strutted off and said “well, now you know her trigger.”
4. “Let’s rename our units after Mountain Ranges because I am bad at math.”
Similar to the Native American buildings above, she doesn’t want a numerical order for each ward. She declared mountain ranges to be “majestic and inspirational” so now we get to say things like “I’m transferring a 19-year old to the Smokies and receiving the high profile patient from the Cascades.”
5. “Let’s move a couple hundred patients because I have OCD.”
This was my most favorite Friday project ever. She decided to uproot every single patient and rearrange them like musical chairs because she wanted them to be grouped by categories she’d come up with. A dozen of us met for four hours with a spreadsheet and switched a couple hundred names around so we could have a game plan for Monday. The goal was to have it done in a single day.
Five months later and we’ve only completed 14 patient moves. I’m pretty sure she’s completely forgotten this was ever a thing.
6. “Let’s fire everyone and replace them with staff I’m stealing because I’m a vindictive bitch.”
When she’s not making our lives miserable, she’s waging some sort of revenge campaign against a woman who used to work for her but is now a CEO of another behavioral health facility. In the past six months we’ve recruited 5 of their senior employees, giving them salaries higher than our existing management staff.
The other day, one of them asked me for our boss’s email address. He’s been here for three months and hasn’t sent an email yet. He also has a doll making business but let’s talk about that later.
7. “Let’s move every single office in this building because I have a Napoleonic complex.”
I already talked about this here, but seriously? This is what we worry about instead of, you know, providing care to our patients.
8. “Let’s hold an event in a building that’s full of mold, asbestos, and fleas because I’m fucking insane.”
I finally managed to get her Asylum Tour idea canceled, but she still pushed for an event in one of our buildings that makes me sick every single time I go inside. It’s also where our security officers like to bang the psych nurses. But sure—why not invite the public inside?
9. “Let’s organize a parade that makes fun of mentally ill people because I am an asshole.”
More on that here. The woman is obsessed with lobotomies like I was obsessed with Viggo Mortensen in 2004.
10. “Let’s promote Aussa and give her a raise because I am woefully unaware of how batshit she thinks I am.”
I kind of feel bad about everything I’ve written about her because she actually put in for me to get a raise. That’s the weirdest part—she’s never done a single thing to me. The opposite, really. But I’ve watched her spend hours of time and effort on destroying someone who dared to question her. Someone like that just deserves to be discussed in list format on the internet.
What’s the worst idea you’ve ever heard? Have you ever been liked by someone who was an asshole to everyone else? Do you go along with bullshit ideas just because you’re paid to?
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