A couple months ago my boss invited me and a few other coworkers out for a drink. I told her I was on antibiotics, because the Bible says it’s okay to lie when faced with horrifying social encounters. The last time she’d asked to go for a drink I told her I had other plans—so she had me leave work at 3PM to hang out with her because obviously I didn’t have any plans to do anything while I was at work.
This last time, all but two of my coworkers got out of it. A couple hours later, I got a text from our CFO.
“Omg Boss peed in a cup at the table lol”
I expressed the obligatory “holy shit” and asked who else was there. She told me our Director of Social Work was sitting next to her when she did it.
“She just dropped ‘em and went for it.”
>>HOLD ON A SEC<<
1. I’ve been to this bar many times—it’s well lit and the sort of place where people dine with their children before 9PM. It’s not some squatty-enabled dive bar where people snort lines of coke in the bathroom.
2. I’ve also been drunk many times—and I have never EVER peed in a cup. At a restaurant. While sitting at a table.
I had to ask the obvious question:
“What did she do with the cup of pee?!”
“It’s just sitting here on the table lol”
I couldn’t help thinking about how my boss had been wearing skin tight jeans and black stilettos. How on earth did she peel those pants down while also flexing enough to hover beneath a table and pee in a cup?
I know what you’re thinking: BULLSHIT. I thought the same thing and assumed it was a prank or a joke and they were all crowded around the phone, waiting for my response. Whatever happened that night, my boss called in for three days, claiming to be “dehydrated.”
The following Monday, I summoned the Director of Social Work to my office. It was time for an interrogation.
“So…” I started, “I have to know if it’s true.”
She stared at me with a poker face.
“The bar,” I continued. “Did Boss really pee in a cup?”
Her face betrayed nothing. She took a deep breath.
“All I can say is that you’ll never want to miss a trip to the bar.”
“No!” I said, “I have to know. I need positive confirmation that she’s truly this batshit.”
She appeared to be thinking it over, digging through the catalog of clinical secrets she’s amassed over her 20-year career in mental health.
“You’ll never miss a trip to the bar,” she said again. “And you should also know that our bodies are not made to pee in cups.”
I was making progress.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m just saying… when a woman tries to pee in a cup at a table, it doesn’t work. Things happen.”
She’d been splashed. Baptized in the urine of our boss.
I immediately told my coworker Mandi.
“That is truly fucked up,” she said.
She was preaching to the choir.
“Seriously. This is something a hooker on methamphetamines would do while working at a casino.”
“Oh my God,” I suddenly realized. “We can never go back to that bar!”
“Hell no,” she said. “Her vagina’s been all over that glass. And that shit’s been all over match.com.”
>>JUDGE NOT LEST YOU BE JUDGED<<
I’m not saying I’ve never gotten drunk and peed somewhere inappropriate. But at least it wasn’t in a restaurant full of people eating. I was in my early 20’s– not the CEO of a mental hospital:
1. The plumbing stopped working at my favorite bar after I’d had 37 pints of beer. It was 1AM so I went in the alley behind the building and popped a squat.
2. A friend and I used to walk home from the bar (because we’re responsible like that) but we usually couldn’t make it the whole way without needing to pee. There was a little forested area behind a church where we’d take care of business.
3. Back when we were in college, Shleisel bought a brand new Jeep and I convinced her we should take a spontaneous 14-hour trip to the coast. We arrived at dawn and slept on air mattresses at a deserted beach. When I woke up a few hours later I needed to pee but the water was cold and there were people riding ATVs all around us. I climbed into the back of her car and peed in an empty cool whip container.
At least I went and dumped it in the ocean and didn’t wait for some poor unsuspecting server to come along and pick it up.
Do you have any public peeing stories? Am I overreacting about how ridiculous this is? What would you do if you saw someone peeing while you were having dinner?
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