Alex and I have officially been married for six months. I’m pretty sure that makes me an expert on marriage and you know how much I like being an expert on things.
Here’s a quick review:
»»Number of countries we’ve traveled to: 2 (Costa Rica and South Africa)
»»Number of times I’ve done something that almost resulted in our deaths: INFINITY
Heyyy crocodiles. I also forgot to tell you about a waterfall we really should not have hiked.
»»Number of pounds I’ve gained: 15
Not hyperbole. This hooker needs to put down the bagels.
»»Major Life Choices Made: 2
We started watching The Wire on HBOGo, which is a huge commitment because it has like 98 episodes.
»»Valuable Assets Obtained Via Marriage: 2
I brought my Spotify subscription to the marriage, which allows us to listen without commercials and randomly change each other’s music to something obnoxious in the middle of the day.
Alex brought Netflix, which allows me to watch every season of The Office for the 900th time.
»»Money Spent on Weird Purchases: A billion dollars.
I don’t know where our money goes, and I would look at the bank statement to figure it out but I can’t see past all the Amazon, wine store, and Indian food transactions. Somewhere in there is all our missing money.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Always Apologize
She says: “I’m sorry you consistently offend me with your insensitive comments.”
He says: “I’m sorry you’re oversensitive and over-analyze everything I say.”
2. Keep Things Exciting in the Bedroom
In addition to the goat-related sexy talk and refusal to expose your naked body, try inserting some playful language into your steamy moments. Some of my favorites? Yelling “God Bless America!” at the crucial moment or quoting Kevin Hart with a huskily whispered “You Gon’ Learn TONIGHT.”
3. Develop Your Own Language of Intimacy
Nuzzlesauge: (noun) The act of responding to one’s request for a massage by rubbing your forehead all over their body. “That nuzzlesauge was so hot last night.”
4. Become Comfortable with Silence
I prefer to fill lulls in conversation with my own rendition of Minnie Ripperton’s “Lovin’ You.” I focus mostly on the chorus so I can titillate Alex with my high-pitched femininity. It was only recently he found out it was an actual song (and asked me to never play it for him again). Up until then, he thought it was something I’d made up. Because he thinks the world of me and believes I’m capable of anything.
5. Recognize Each Other’s Strengths
Alex is very good at making waffles:
I am very good at communicating with people who behave badly:
Give me six more months and I will basically be able to save all your marriages.
When does the honeymoon phase officially end? What are you an expert on? Do you do any of these (totally legit) things?
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This is great advice! And the Wire is the shit. Omar comin.
I love Omar.
Yessss!!!! They put him on the stand and ask him what he does for a living and he’s like “I rob drug dealers.”
HERO.
Because that’s the way you roll! Right?? 😀
Good advice! he he!
Thanks 😉
Yet another ribbon to hang on your belt. Well done.
Thank you, thank you. Just wait until I become the BEST. PARENT. EVERRRR.
When I stop laughing at your story, I’ll share my stories. 🙂
Hahaha can’t wait!
What honeymoon? We are supposed to get a honeymoon?? What the hell! I’ve been gyped! Two marriages and no honeymoon. No wonder the honeymoon ended so fast with mine. There was none! 😉
Really good advice there. Especially the singing part. I can clear a room of humans and animals faster than anything when I sing. haha!
I love when I start singing in the car and Alex ever so subtly turns the radio on. EXCUSE ME?!
When *I* sing, the cats come running and literally shoe a paw down my throat to try and catch whatever may be dying in there, or killing me.Failing that, they take turns peering down my throat to try and observe what the hell is going on.
Hahahaha!!! This comment makes my afternoon.
I don’t even know how many pounds I gained in the first two years of my marriage… like maybe 50 (not a joke). I have lost all of it and extra so it is all very possible. Unfortunately it seems Mr O liked me better fat… which is awkward for him. And something he just needs to get over. Ha ha!
All of that said we do still spend like all of our money on food. All of it.
I am not even going to touch 3 or 4 because it’s gotten out of control.
You will know you are out of the honeymoon phase when he WhatsApps you from the bathroom with a row of the poop emojis to explain why he still hasn’t come to bed 20 minutes after he went to brush his teeth even though you didn’t ask where he was in the first place.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA the poop emojis. OMG. Well…. There have definitely been some poop emoji laden conversations already, I assure you.
I have to go to the gym. I have to go to the gym. I HAVE TO GO TO THE GYM.
If you ask me, there’s nothing sexier than, “La la la la la! La la la la la! La la la la la….la la la laaaaaaaa!”
I LOVE IT SO MUCH. And I have sinus infection right now, which is making my voice super scratching. So it will be extra sexy. Sextra.
I’d marry you in a minute ….
Yesssssss. I’ll let you know when I’m available again.
I might have to send your advice to some people I know.
Excellent. Be sure to let them know I am an expert. Sexpert.
How about eating waffles in bed while watching the office and apologizing only in Alanis Morrisette lyrics.
Woah woah woah slow down. That’s got to be like second-level-of-marriage or something and we haven’t unlocked it yet. Someday.
“You gon’ learn TONIGHT.”——>>>>>DEAD! So crazy…
Hahahahahaha the things that come out of one’s mouth….
(that’s what she said)
((STOP IT))
I found the place to be! I can die happy now. As for the honeymoon, doesn’t that last till you have kids? Or one of you contracts a horrible smelly disease?
As for that other link that took me to your past. Puh-lease. Just goes to show that it ain’t easy doing this blogging stuff. I love pressing the “Join the Discussion” in your emails and getting to drop in my snarky two cents. It didn’t work, so I scrolled up and used your first embedded link to let you know you had trouble in paradise. 😉 Then you replied, and I couldn’t reply to you. What is up with WP? Blame them whenever possible. 😉
WP hates me sometimes, I think. Or maybe it’s just trying to teach me to be responsible. OMG I probably need to update plugins. Or something. I don’t actually know what I’m talking about.
I already have a smelly disease. It’s called home-sick-and-haven’t-left-the-house-in-a-week.
*waves magic wand from back of unicorn*
I’m in!
Oh, wait…this was about marriage?
Hahahaha! It’s about whatever you want it to be. Because it is art. Or something.
I agree!! You Go Girl… following you IS like a Magic Carpet Ride. Or something. Definitely an artful portrayal that’s worthy of appreciation 😉 Thanks for the spirited fun!
Pretty good advice, actually. And Oh, The Wire! So loved the Wire. Believe it or not, Seasons 3 and 4 are the best. Although Season 1 is pretty damn good too. LOVE The Wire!
Really?! EXCELLENT. We are on Season 2, which I don’t like as much as 1. But it excites me that it will only get better. This might just get us all the way to the next GoT premiere….
You can see I have my priorities in line over here.
The major change to a marriage isn’t the end of the honeymoon. It’s when you have children.
Believe me, there are no good stories in being awoken at 3 am by a screaming baby. Or having to fight your 2nd grader every night to do her homework. (Yes, they make kids in grade school do homework now. I still haven’t decided if that’s a good thing — competing with all that quality education in the rest of the world — or a bad one — it eats up the parents’ scarce free time.) And it does dampen spontaneous romantic evenings out when you need to line up a babysitter first…
I’m going to have to move out into the wild and raise my kids off the grid because I remember when I was in school I NEVER did my homework. Ever. Not in elementary school, middle school, or high school. I would rather get a C and never do anything but take a test. I was the absolute worst and I’m sure karma is coming for me/I’m sure I won’t care any more about homework when it’s my own kid.
But if you home-school your kids, that means you are TEACHING THEM! You will be with them all day when you’d rather catch up on your tv viewing marathon of…whatever is the big thing when your kids come into being. Or just crave adult time. And when they ask questions about subjects (e.g., “Why do I have to write out the amount of a check twice?”) you have no one else to pass the question to: you have to either know the answer, teach them how to use Google, or be able to handle lying to them on a routine basis (e.g., “See, the people who work at the banks are a little slow so you need to tell them everything twice”).
And then there’s sex ed. I’m not looking forward to that subject, & I don’t trust the public school to provide any useful information. Sigh. And knowing my oldest, she won’t do the homework for that subject either — no matter who her homework partner is!
I love you. Like seriously, truly love you. Sshhhh… don’t tell Alex. I am content just being your back up plan.
*whispers*
Alex never needs to know what we have.
Minnie Riperton was awesome! Just watching her when she opened her mouth and that impossible sound came out is fascinating. When I first heard her, it was on the radio, and I sort of thought, well, that’s something they did in the studio to make her sound like that. But it wasn’t. She really had a voice that went all of the way up to what they call the whistle range. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, your marriage.
I guess all I have to say about that is that if you are even half as good at marriage as you are at blogging, successful won’t even begin to describe it…
(BTW, that looks like a tense disagreement up there but it really isn’t: she’s dead, so she doesn’t do that any more, but there are videos so I can still be fascinated by it in the present.)
I’m sitting in a doctor’s office with my laptop and I am SO TEMPTED to just start playing that song. And sit here like “what?” It could be a lesson in personal development and/or a social experiment.
Or for the edification of the other patients, because CULTURE.
Also, your blog just let me comment from Firefox again!!!! YAY!!!
Excellent! It seems to just do whatever it wants most of the time.
OMG, my best friend used to sing Lovin You to me to drive me crazy and I also thought she’d totally made up that song. She’d also take off her shoes and try to massage me with her toes. We had that kind of friendship! Haha. And the Wire is such necessary viewing!
So apparently Alex and I’s relationship is modeled after your friendship hahahahahaha. Toe massages? I mean, toe nuzzelsauges? CHECK!
I can’t speak to moving to Colorado, but watching The Wire is the best life decision you’ll ever make.
EXCELLENT. That’s very reassuring. Also, I think everyone everywhere is dealing drugs. At the gas station, in my neighborhood, in the Starbucks line…. I feel like I just know things now.
My fiance and I have gotten through the first season and we’re gearing up for the second. They’re just so dense that’s it’s hard to binge watch! But soooooo good
We’ve watched a couple in a row, especially the first season, because they have some of those OMG WHAT!!! sort of endings that make you sacrifice health and sleep for.
15 pounds? Good for you getting a good, yummy-waffle-makin’ man!
Love your passive aggressive signage. Nothing says “You’re an A-Hole, but I won’t let it put a dent in my coolness” like Alanis.
We actually had a random guy (in a fedora, which makes him awesome) come up to our front door and ring the bell just so he could tell us how much he respected the signs. I stood out of the way and let Alex handle it until I realized he was paying a compliment and then I was like HI HELLO I MADE THOSE SIGNS LETS BE FRIENDS.
I have been watching The Wire when my husband works away from home (it’s too long to watch with him because he is normally away more often than he has been and I’d hate to have to wait for him to be home so I could watch the next episode !!!!). He hasn’t been away for a couple of weeks and I’m having withdrawals. Luckily I made a note of what season/episode I was up to so I can get back to it next week when he is away again.
You’re a wise one. There’s nothing more marriage-wrecking than sneaking ahead on a show that you’re watching together.
When Alex was working the last week or so before we moved, I binge watched every episode of GIRLS. I’m pretty sure he didn’t mind, haha.
You could sing Rush tunes while clipping your toenails and wearing a green facial mask. But I think the kicker is when either of you goes potty with the door open. Then the honeymoon will be over for sure because by then you will probably also have at least two kids. 🙂
Ha! No peeing with the door open just yet. I will do chemical peels sometimes though and he’ll walk up to kiss me and I’m like “CHEMICALS CHEMICALS!”
I think you both have it nailed with that apology thing. (Loved that one.) And you’ve moved to the most beautiful state–jeez, is Colorado gorgeous! Now spend some of that disposable income on starting up your own weed concern, so you can get more income than outgo, and you’ll have this thing licked–and be mellowed out when you decide it’s time for a baby.
Ha! That would certainly be a plot twist, eh? I used to obsessively watch Weeds back in college… maybe I need to revisit it for some business tips. Except I’m pretty sure she was the worst mother in history so maybe that’s not a good plan.
You guys are what I aspire to 🙂
Hahahaha it’s the modern fairy tale *throws bra at Alex*
For some reason, when you wrote about Minnie Riperton, I went from “Loving You” to “I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates” (which is NOT sung by Minnie, but instead by Melanie – just in case you care). I couldn’t tell you why this phenomenon occurred – but you can thank me later (when you sing “I’ve Got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates” for the thousandth time). Or Alex can thank me – I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.
So, that song is not immediately coming to mind. Which means I’m going to pull it up on Spotify and immediately be like “NOOOOO!!!!” and then be singing it all weekend until Alex begs me to go back to Minnie.
OMG — I can’t believe you’ve never heard that song! I am singing it right now — be grateful you can’t hear me.
You can teach it to me while we get drunk on prickly pears.
fantastic real world advice )
Always 😉
Your signs are BRILLIANT! 😀 I love it.
I’ve taken note of this marital advice for the future.
It will save us all 😉
LOL. “Loving you”. A very good reason for neither of you to ever stop talking. Some of the high notes are equivalent to a dog whistle. Zola must hate it too. You crack me up Aussa.
Poor Zola. The noises we generate just to taunt her/make her ears move/wake her up. It’s good that she is super annoying when she’s not passed out.
I am an expert on one thing…. EVERYTHING!!
The honeymoon phase ends when you let it. Make it last as long as possible.
That’s good advice 🙂
I was an expert on everything until I had teenagers. Now I am an idiot who knows nothing. I’m expecting to become an expert again when they move out.
I can’t even remember the honeymoon phase – make it last as long as you can!
Teenagers sound super scary. Mostly because I feel like I only stopped being one like a year ago. I fear the ultimate karma will come through them…
Um, sex can’t be that good if you refuse to expose your sexy body. Are you living an Amish lifestyle? 🙂
YES.
I refuse to be an expert !!! trust me Alex would also say the same,We play safe !
All the better for us womenfolk 🙂