Alex and I have officially been married for six months. I’m pretty sure that makes me an expert on marriage and you know how much I like being an expert on things.
Here’s a quick review:
»»Number of countries we’ve traveled to: 2 (Costa Rica and South Africa)
»»Number of times I’ve done something that almost resulted in our deaths: INFINITY
Heyyy crocodiles. I also forgot to tell you about a waterfall we really should not have hiked.
»»Number of pounds I’ve gained: 15
Not hyperbole. This hooker needs to put down the bagels.
»»Major Life Choices Made: 2
We started watching The Wire on HBOGo, which is a huge commitment because it has like 98 episodes.
»»Valuable Assets Obtained Via Marriage: 2
I brought my Spotify subscription to the marriage, which allows us to listen without commercials and randomly change each other’s music to something obnoxious in the middle of the day.
Alex brought Netflix, which allows me to watch every season of The Office for the 900th time.
»»Money Spent on Weird Purchases: A billion dollars.
I don’t know where our money goes, and I would look at the bank statement to figure it out but I can’t see past all the Amazon, wine store, and Indian food transactions. Somewhere in there is all our missing money.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Always Apologize
She says: “I’m sorry you consistently offend me with your insensitive comments.”
He says: “I’m sorry you’re oversensitive and over-analyze everything I say.”
2. Keep Things Exciting in the Bedroom
In addition to the goat-related sexy talk and refusal to expose your naked body, try inserting some playful language into your steamy moments. Some of my favorites? Yelling “God Bless America!” at the crucial moment or quoting Kevin Hart with a huskily whispered “You Gon’ Learn TONIGHT.”
3. Develop Your Own Language of Intimacy
Nuzzlesauge: (noun) The act of responding to one’s request for a massage by rubbing your forehead all over their body. “That nuzzlesauge was so hot last night.”
4. Become Comfortable with Silence
I prefer to fill lulls in conversation with my own rendition of Minnie Ripperton’s “Lovin’ You.” I focus mostly on the chorus so I can titillate Alex with my high-pitched femininity. It was only recently he found out it was an actual song (and asked me to never play it for him again). Up until then, he thought it was something I’d made up. Because he thinks the world of me and believes I’m capable of anything.
5. Recognize Each Other’s Strengths
Alex is very good at making waffles:
I am very good at communicating with people who behave badly:
Give me six more months and I will basically be able to save all your marriages.
When does the honeymoon phase officially end? What are you an expert on? Do you do any of these (totally legit) things?
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