Most people don’t have anything negative to say about moving to Denver. But moving to Denver at the start of winter? Especially a winter that’s supposed to have record-setting snowfall? That’s the kind of questionable choice at which I excel. But Alex and I have been busy enjoying everything about our new hometown– most of which involves beer, art, and mountains.
A few weekends ago we checked out the local art scene. You probably don’t know this, but I’m a super intellectual and pretentious know-it-all when it comes to art. So let me explain the following masterpieces:
Left: A Bedazzled Bear Humping A Clown – Nature is being overcum with materialism and it is nothing to laugh about.
Top Right: Colorful Spinning Orbs And Globes – If you are not currently on drugs, you should be.
Bottom Right: Tree Trunk Made Of Random Wooden Objects – Life is about growth and growth is just a bunch of random shit that no one can explain.
Left: Mannequin Peace Sign Baby – Babies are scary.
Top Right: Multicultural Train of Babies – Babies are scary.
Bottom Right: Melodramatic Trio of Babies – Babies are scary.
Here are some Swinging Nylons Of Horse-Shit, which obviously means: You are not having enough sex.
Alex mocked me for being so amazingly well-traveled by claiming I was bored with Buddhas:
We also went to an Art Walk on Santa Fe Ave where local galleries give you wine and snacks and tell you to walk up and down creepy staircases for the sake of art. 
I think my favorite thing was actually being able to see the artists’ studios. There’s something magical about being in someone else’s secret space.
I’m not even going to say anything about this. I want to hear YOUR interpretation.
What do you think of the art? Can you interpret it for me?
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Ohh….that all looks like fun. Even the penis thingy.
Poor Alex when he saw the penis. It was like he’d been clotheslined.
I don’t know why guys go into shock when they see penis’. It’s not like he’s never stood in front of the mirror in exactly that pose going “helicopter, helicopter!”
I would interpet the art stuff for you, but I would probably offend someone…ah hell….it’s fugly!! Just plain fugly! Ugh….some will give me nightmares.
I think the chick on the stairs and the melting person are the most nightmare-worthy. Or maybe the babies. So many scary babies…
Hmm. I’m not going to weigh on that stuff. I’m no art expert.
I was thinking about you this morning, as I drove into work and heard on the radio that Denver is expecting a ginormous blizzard. Stay warm.
Thank you! I think it snowed about 6 inches around here… made it verrryyyy interesting to take Zola to the dog park this morning. But she frolicked– which made me want six inches of snow all the time.
I have a feeling my opinion on this matter will change when I actually have a job and have to go places.
Not even gonna try sweetpea! But I will say that one of my closest friends is an artist… a REAL artist! Has shown her paintings in Milan, NYC and Brazil! She just returned from Denver/Golden where she attended an Art Biz conference. I know a little bit about art and what I like, but interpreting it??? uh uh! Good luck with that one! I will have to come back and read comments to see what others have to say!! LOL! 😉
The comments have been pretty interesting so far 😉
I should have taken photos of the art I actually liked. It’s somehow easier to take a photo of something I find bizarre. There was a guy there who’s stuff I LURVED. He was Native American and supposedly offensive. Can’t remember his name.
Image one, obvious. the artist’s heart and soul (and guts) bleed into their art. Image two: cavemen hung to the left. And had skin grafting, apparently. Who knew?
Hahahaha! Hung to the left. And the skin grafting is probably why he looks like he’s in excruciating pain? Perhaps it was poorly done.
I interpret that as “my penis hangs to the right and I got a horrible spray tan”
Hahahahaha yessss! That’s seriously what a bad spray tan looks like! Except we all know it would look worse around his hands and feet. I mean, not that I know anything about spray tans. I’ve never been that shallow.
…….
This is mid-interpretive dance where a man has just discovered what every woman already knows. “OMG I JIZZED ON MYSELF! EW! SOMEONE GRAB A TOWEL. HOLY SHIT THIS IS DISGUSTING.” Followed by a race to the bathroom for a shower.
I’m so good at this.
AMAZING. The title would definitely be “Man Experiences Jizz Towel Dance of Seeking For the First Time.”
I did four years at art school and I am not going anywhere near interpreting any of it. Too many bad memories of sitting in critiques :/ Good on ya for getting out and about in you new city! 🙂
Critiques sound scary. I remember failing Intro to Art my freshman year of college (apparently you can’t pass classes you don’t attend? Who knew?) and having to retake it a couple years later (one of many “junior” years I had). The only thing I retained was that little babies are usually Eros and rotten fruit means something and I know what the Venus of Willendorf is. That is all.
Love Denver! In the downtown area along the 16th street mall you can see art along the streets, and piano players, along with a strange goup of zombie-like stoned surfer dude homeless people that gather around and walk the area.
Yes! When we first came here a couple years ago they had the funky pianos out. I didn’t see them last time we were down there… maybe it’s only certain seasons. Love the 16th street mall. There’s also Larimer St. which sounds like a place where you would eat, haha.
If you ejaculate silly string continuously for more than four hours, consult your physician.
!!! This may be a winner.
I want to comment on all the art. But I’m having trouble getting past the penis.
Yeah, that didn’t come out right.
Did you see the Trump portrait made solely out of dick picks? THAT is art.
Someone put hat on my timeline the other day.
Apparently, dick pics are to me what goats are to you. Lucky me.
Hahahahaha just hope people don’t start sending them to you in the mail.
Am I the only one who can see a dog or lion face on the penis one? The penis could be interpreted as a tongue? Maybe? And the guts and gore, I have no idea.
Okay so the last time I looked at it, I kind of saw a face too. Though the penis might be a tongue. As I picture it my mind, I can almost see it. But even though I took the photo, uploaded it, and am hosting it on my site, I’m kind of frightened to go back and look at it again.
Either ATX has the WRONG SLOGAN… or these artists are in the WRONG PLACE.
Ha! Maybe they’re all Austin immigrants who like to ski?
Yes, babies are terrifying. That thing on your lighter that says “keep away from children”? Excellent advice.
I went to the SF MOMA for the Frida Kahlo exhibit in 2008 right after I got out of acute rehab from my stroke. They were very nice to me and loaned me a wheelchair because I hadn’t got the whole walking around with a cane thing down just yet, and I really enjoyed Frida, and the surrealists and much more. There were, however, some installations which I found sort of bizarre… One was a large area with plastic dinosaurs glued all over it (they were at least colorful, so I enjoyed it in that respect). Another was a wall installation with a fibrous material held by pins above a raised canvas. It was maybe ten feet tall, and the fibrous material looked exactly like the hair that you pull out of your shower drain…
Sick out, the drain thing. Noooooooo. Can’t think about it.
I would LOVE to see a Frida Kahlo exhibit. And Dali. Gah. That would be amazing. Should do some research and make it a destination.
I feel like there are people who naturally make things that are bizarre and push at the edges of what people are capable of appreciating. Then there are those who are just like “OMG CHECK ME OUT IM SO UNIQUE AND BRILLIANT.” These are the people who make me put my headphones in even when there’s no music playing.
I beg off from evaluating art. Last few times I was viewing art things they were the classics. Like Rembrandt & de Chirico. I did visit the Dali Museum in St. Petersburg & found I was underwhelmed by his work.
But I’ve been meaning to ask you about another unusual feature of Colorado, & see how it compares to Oregon: are you surprised at the number of Marijuana Dispensaries (aka pot shops)? Since it’s become legal here, there are more pot outlets than there are liquor stores. It gives my humble low-middle class neighborhood this kinda aging hippy-turned-cheesy capitalist vibe.
I can’t imagine there are that many stoners living here in Portland. I figure most of them will close up in a few years. Maybe they’ve gone thru the boom & bust cycle there in Colorado already.
The dispensaries are interesting. Before I moved here people were like “OH YOU’LL SEE they’re on every corner!” which isn’t really true– but they are pretty common to see. Maybe as common as seeing a liquor store. You sort of expect to come across a liquor store every 5 minutes while on a 20 minute drive through town.
I haven’t been in one yet though. I suspect that will happen the first time someone from out of state comes to visit, haha.
The last two HAVE to be related to the previous theme of babies are scary!!! LOL. Not sure exactly how but seems right to me. LOL. Thanks for the tour
Hahahaha I guess I really could have written this as an entire post on pro-creation…
I am laughing my a$$ off. I just love reading you!
“Babies are scary”–excellent use of literary foreboding, my friend. You know that call-out means you are next..muhahahahahaha!
Hey! I’m coming your direction this week. Wish me luck–I love flying in puddle jumpers into DIA. I’m waiting for the day I leave a pile on the seat that looks like the art exhibit next to the penis thingy 🙂
Hahahaha oh dear– no piles on the seat! I remember flying in a puddle jumper in Kenya. The great migration was going on below us but I was too busy with my head in my lap, praying to not throw up.
What are you in town for? Biznass?
Welcome to Denver we are weird here 🙂
I like it 🙂
Those are old men disguised as babies. That’s even worse than babies. And wasn’t there a former patients in one of those photos?
They definitely look like crotchety old men with very strong opinions on what is happening around them. And a former patient– would probably be the poor exploded person…
I went to the Louvre and did not click the Mona Lisa.Let me know if you still want me to interpret.
Anyways I love painting , specially oil painting , and I hate it when my wife interprets my paintings , so i have stopped commenting negatively on art. 🙁
I used to paint with oils when I was in high school but have been all acrylic since then… I should dabble again.
It IS kind of weird when someone else interprets something you’ve created. Especially when they give you WAY more credit.
Penis guy is the babies’ father? Just guessing … 😉
Hahaha probably! And the exploded person is the mother. HA…
The one on the left is what happens when you drink 20 pints of bear, eat a huge curry and then fall asleep in a chair.
The one on the right is a depiction of the dangers of getting “excited”, falling on your face and snapping your unmentionable so that it points permanently to one side. Very painful (apparently).
Hahahaha! I laughed out loud! You apparently have a talent for art interpretation!
thank you for clearing all of that up for us. i can never hope to attain your level of art interpretation.
You are so very welcome. I will be here all day. Actually I will be here for as long as the internet lets me.
I am a big fan of reinterpreting art…
http://abbiosbiston.com/2014/04/21/a-trip-to-the-tate-britain/
http://abbiosbiston.com/2014/06/17/adventures-in-amsterdam/
Oh my gosh, those are brilliant! So funny.
I think Denver and Seattle are cities from another mother or something like that. Both allow the smoking of marijuana and both have just really weird artsy people. And I’m sure they have the same protests downtown in Denver too right?
I haven’t seen any protests yet but I definitely see a ton of activism jobs when I am (lazily and non-commitally) job searching.
I almost want you to find another psych ward to work at so you can have more dysfunctional stories, but on the other hand I want you to have a job you actually like someday too. And by the way, job hunting is the absolute wurrrstt.
I know. I KNOW. What to do? I’ve seen a few mental health jobs and I’m like… damn, I know I could do that. But everyone in that field is bat shit cray.
A word of advice: DON’T go to work at a dispensary. Your co-workers can be cool, the customers can be wonderful, the benefits & pay can be unmatched, but there is one major drawback which makes selling legal pot very dangerous. Due to archaic Federal laws, banks cannot handle payments for dispensaries. Which means all payments are in cash. Which means the cash cannot be deposited in the bank every night — which every other business does. Which means dispensaries attract unsavory types with guns who demand all your money. Who make frequent visits to dispensaries to demand money; according to the local news, every dispensary in Washington & Oregon have been held up at least once.
As tempting as it might be to work at one for blog material, Aussa, it’s not worth it DON’T go to work at one.. I don’t want you having an experience so bad that you seriously contemplate returning to the psycho hospital with its douchebag HR guy & the creepy Santa Claus types in maintenance.
At least until the Feds change the banking rules so dispensaries aren’t handling so much cash.
I had no idea. How random. Okay– I guess I shant go into the pot biznass. For now.
I’m not sure if being “overcum” would be a desirable or awful thing. I’m going to go dress my husband as a bedazzled bear and let you know how it goes…
I think you’re the only one to point out that fantastic little word choice…
I was gonna go with maybe he came all over himself, but it looks like this already occurred to someone else up there. Wait a minute. That means there is someone like me out there in the world! And I thought I was the only piece of work around!
Hahahahahahahaha!!!! So dirty, so perfect. Yep– you have found your people.
Yup! Thank god for the Internet! 😉
Wow. You’re even more intellectual than I’d originally believed. 😉
Oh yes. Expert status in all things over here.
Egads! I really wanted to come visit you and hang out in the snow but I’m rethinking. That stuff is what drug-induced nightmares are made of.
Nah, nah, you should still come visit 🙂 Next years meetup is here. I have declared it so.
Hmmm…I enjoy painting and love going to museums and the occasional art show. These are some real intriguing works you have showcased here. The left one, I would call, “Lost lunch, Pasta Explosion”…I think the artist is making a statement about feeling limited and wants to break free into the 3D world, no matter who ends up wearing the result.
The piece on the right… I call “Wax On, Wax off” a slightly disturbing meditation by someone who likes some pain with their pleasure.
Definitely lots of self expression going on here, but I think something is lost in the translation when other folks can’t connect to what you are saying…unless you meant people’s reaction to be “wow, holy crap?!” Then of course, you are successful.
By the way, I think you could seriously get a paying job creating titles for artwork. Artists often hate putting titles to their work and you, my dear, have a gift. Bedazzled Bear…I am still laughing!
Wax on, Wax Off is hilarious. Definitely some pain with that pleasure. All I feel when looking at that image is pain 😉
Let me create a Craigslist ad and see if I can drum up any biznass for naming other people’s art… that could be a fun experiment. Possibly an experiment in getting murdered, but still.
It’s true, some of my worst fights with my husband had to do with unsolicited comments on either mine or his artwork before it was finished. It is truly a risky business! ;0 We eventually made a peace-pact that comments were only allowed if asked for, so it is possible to survive with some negotiation.
I feel like that’s an important policy for everything– comments only allowed when requested. That would save so much grief.
The one on penis one on the right needs to be called “Men are dogs.” Seriously, am I the only one who thinks it looks a little like a puppy? With the penis being the tongue?
I can never unsee that.
Glad you’re enjoying Denver!
“Men are dogs” is brilliant. No– I totally saw the dog too. At least, as I remember. Because I refuse to go back and look at it ever again.
Aussa, Welcome to Denver. As you settle in I think that you will find that Denver (and Colorado) is filled with some very cool people as well as some very weird ones. Not all people here are obsessed with bent organs (although many of us do lean to the left), being humped by bedazzled bears, or multicolored ejaculations. Although that last one might make sex more interesting, with men firing rainbow colored cum out of their willies rather than boring, plain old white (vanilla?) jizz. Btw, I love your posts. You are wickedly funny, wickedly honest, and absolutely filthy. Again, welcome to Denver. We need more creative people like you.
Oh, and a word of career advice: DO NOT GO BACK TO WORKING IN THE MENTAL HEALTH FIELD IF YOU CAN HELP IT. THE CLIENTS ARE CRAZY. THE STAFF ARE CRAZY. AND THE SUPERVISORS/BOSSES ARE SUPER CRAZY. I know this because I worked as a chaplain in training at Oregon State Hospital (the state psychiatric hospital) in Salem, Oregon, in a previous life . . .
Shalom and good luck in your job search.
Omg we can totally bond over the craziness of mental health staff. I feel you so hard. I always try to tell myself “maybe it’s just this hospital…” but I know that’s not true.
And thank you! So far, everyone has been amazing. There are far fewer rednecks ’round these parts too. I actually don’t think I’ve seen a confederate flag in a month…
That dude has a moob (man boob). On the left side. Then his right one is a different shade. Hm.
I apparently need to go back and look at this!
Oh my goddamn lanta.
You need some after looking at this stuff.