Just in case you aren’t following my tragicomedy of a life on Facebook, this is the official announcement that I got a job. Huzzah! Except I was kind of hoping for some extended unemployment so I could further hone my reclusive snow art tendencies. But I’m very glad that I can now spend obscene amounts of money on Christmas-themed woodland creatures without Alex giving me the side-eye because two incomes and feminism.
So my new job is something I can’t really blog about. But I promise it’s mostly boring and I don’t anticipate anyone dressing like a clown with a banana or planning parades that make fun of people with mental illness.
Of course, I could be wrong. Because my new employer also thinks I’m mostly boring.
Let’s let that one sink in.
I’m not saying I’m all that interesting. Given the choice, I’d never leave the house and I would eat the same exact thing every single day for the rest of my life. BUT let’s be real here. My life is ridiculous in the sort of way you never want the person who signs your paycheck to know about.
But I didn’t lie. Somehow he came to the conclusion that I’m a classy and conservative teetotaler with prude-ish inclinations. This has caused me no shortage of amusement.
I know Angelle would tell me to get all sweary and LIVE MY TRUTH but I’m kind of enjoying the fact he apologizes every time he curses and then expresses shock when I make the most mildly inappropriate remark. I want to be like “hey, I talk about sex on the internet!” but instead I’m like “these crumpets are positively divine.”
Basically I am living a double life.
I’ve slipped up a few times though. I have to immediately silence my phone when I get to work, because while I’ve developed an immunity to 5,000 notifications per minute, its apparently pretty suspicious for a proper lass to have her phone banging nonstop.
“Are you famous or something?” he asked.
I wanted to make him watch this video. Because yes. I am very famous.
There have been other things. Like when he asked if I had made any friends in Denver and I said something along the line of “oh yes, I have lots of internet friends who live here” or when I talked about how a dozen people had sent me links to a news story because it referenced someone with the same name of my dog.
“Zola is the famous one,” I quickly explained.
It’s kind of a weird sensation for me– working around someone who knows how to use the internet and may actually stumble on something I’ve written on another site or (God forbid) the Daily Mail article about me that I refuse to link to because it’s fraught with factual errors and makes me sound like a vapid reality star.
I wonder how that conversation would go:
“Is this you?”
“Really? Because this REALLY looks like you.”
“Hmm. I don’t see it.”
Honestly, everyone has weird things going on in their personal lives and you never know about it during the job interview. I remember a woman I worked with at AT&T who looked super sheltered with her 80’s bangs and jean jacket but had the raciest sexcapades I’ve ever heard. I remember another dude who looked like a run-of-the-mill asshole but was actually addicted to extreme couponing.
People are weird and full of secrets.
Who knows what will happen. I can creep on the demographics of people who subscribe or read this site and plenty of them live within a couple miles. Based on the past f*cked up coincidences of my life I am not going to rule out the possibility of being approached by someone at a business lunch who says “omg girl, I read your article about the naked selfies and I feel you so hard.”
“That was someone else,” I’ll say.
Except not really. Because LIVE YOUR TRUTH and feminism and we all know I’ll be too busy writing it all down so I can tell you about it later anyways.
Have you ever learned something bizarre about a coworker? What do you hope your employer never knows about you? How easily do you think things on the internet can be kept a secret?
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