My lack-of-blogging is a real issue. A real depressing issue. One that obviously needs to be remedied with lots and lots of inspirational TED talks, Katy Perry songs that rhyme with “Tire-Twerk,” and probably some poetry and incense.
Back when I was in high school I would burn incense in my room and listen to weird Sitar music while reading Ayn Rand aloud. Somehow I need to get back to this level of soulfully cool sans the terrible philosophy.
I decided to write some poetry so I can re-stoke my dormant creative genius:
Title: “What the eff has happened to my self-discipline and desire to do something with my life other than be a sensible professional who uses the word Fiduciary?”
Send me an e-mail
Now I have sixty e-mails
I feel important
Title: “Pretending like I don’t have other pursuits in my life is destroying my sense of self.”
Dear man who hired me
It’s not that I lied to you
Specifically
Title: “Performance Review.”
Work on the weekend?
That sound you hear is my laugh
All up in yo face
Okay, I’m being melodramatic. Good things have still been happening:
1. Trespassing
There wasn’t anyone waiting to serve me and see to my every need when we checked into our hotel in Kansas. So I helped myself to every unlocked door I could find, wandered around their offices, and took a dubious selfie with the award they most certainly don’t deserve:
Look at Alex’s face. This is the face of First World Problems.
2. Christmas
It’s possible I kept up my decade-long tradition of weeping on Christmas and spending the day foraging for fast food. BUT I also sent my first Christmas card ever:
And Alex got to experience Christmas with my family:
3. Snow
I try to take photos of it, but there’s always someone taking a dump on my best laid plans.
4. Strife
Someone shared this meme in my favorite Facebook group. I don’t know why I find it so hilarious. Alex doesn’t know either. Our marriage is on the rocks because of this.
5. Fashion
6. Torture
Zola had no idea I’d given her exactly what she’d been whining after for an hour. Ask yourself– is it possible the pizza you seek is already on your head, but you’re so accustomed to mistreatment that you can’t see it?
7. Karma
8. Consistency
These are the only two things I actually need in order to keep functioning.
9. Genius
I was admiring Anna Palmer’s fab ice bucket, sure it was some sort of Goop-endorsed contraption that costs more than I make in a year. Turns out it’s actually a light fixture she’s been carrying from house to house, intending to use in a laundry room. Instead she flipped it upside down in the sink and put some flashing multi-colored kid’s toy in the bottom.
10. Sex
This is what happens when the mood strikes and you don’t let the dog participate. She destroys everything that’s ever come in contact with food, but is still conscientious enough to remove a full cup of lemonade from the sack so it doesn’t spill.
This about covers the last month of my life.
What’s been going on with you guys?
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My advice? Start blogging girl! You are losing it! But I love Zola. 🙂
I am definitely losing it. Not sure what it is, but I miss it 😉
A ton of folks dropped out of the blogging world at the same time. I think it was a virus spread by us reading each others’ blogs. I’ve taken a vow not to read anyone else’s stu–oh, sh#t. Well, only to read a FEW posts, once in a while.
The poetry was Aussome, but I have to say the duct-taped “2Alicks” gift was the topper for me. I hope that the insides measured up–maybe an old VHS tape. Cracked.
Merry five-days-post-Christmas, Aussa! Happy New Year! –O. Babe
Ha– it was some sort of liquor! Of course. We all tried to be very polite and watch each other open gifts but that one was beyond tedious. I think he had to go at it with a knife.
Knife + Liquor + Difficulty. Yep, sounds like my family.
While I recognize — almost — everything from Whatsapp, I feel I’ve been gypped when it comes to Kansas trespassing. You’ve been holding out on me.
Hahaha! It’s true. Gah– I was so annoyed. And then I realized he was the only dude working at a hotel on the holiday and probably just had to go tend to someone (like me) who didn’t know how to make the coffee maker work.
It’s like getting a letter from the travelling pants sister! I LOVE the light fixture ice bucket! Now that’s a party centerpiece 🙂
Right?! I was beyond impressed. And not just because of all the things I’d been drinking out of it.
Wait, you were in Kansas? I am in Kansas.
Hey! You are KSU Julie, right? I’m in KS, too.
Yessss. Overland Park? That’s where Alex’s family is. They are KSU people!
Wow. Left that hellhole called Kansas City. Sold our house in Overland Park and moved to Denver and never looked back. And the drive between the two is the most mind numbing flat drive I’ve ever had the displeasure of driving.
It is SOOO mind-numbing. But very very good for completely zoning out and listening to an audiobook while flying at 90MPH.
As if I could love you more than I already do. This made me laugh all over the place. My dogs were reading over my shoulder and feel Zola’s pain, er, pizza.
One point of contention…when and where were you in Kansas??? Remember, I live here, I have a car–I can cook. My husband always wanted me to have a red-headed friend come visit (he’s not creepy, I promise!)
Don’t worry about the blogging mini-upheaval. I have no doubt you’ll be back in full force. Just think, in the last year you have gotten married, quit your job, moved, got a new job, been published multiple times…it’s in the cards, chica! You are the REAL DEAL!! Your readers and fans will be here–I know I will fo sho!
Perhaps I should take my newly-single self and come visit Kansas in winter. Whaddya think?
Yes let’s all meet in Kansas! I know how to get there. It’s only one bend in the highway and then you just drive forever.
Hahahaha we were in Kansas for the days after Christmas– Overland Park (I think). We got mildly stranded because of all that weather. I didn’t mind….
I think I totally need to visit you. And Julie. And Renee. OMG so many Kansas friends. Why do I need to have a job when I could just travel domestically all the time? Must ponder on this.
And you’re right– it’s been a busy year. And a good year.
Selfishly, I’m glad that I’m not the only one who is not blogging much these days. If you’re not blogging much either, it almost makes it fashionable. Maybe we should start a club — but who has time for that??
Oh yes, we are the cool kids, remember?
You’re still in the honeymoon phase. All that sex takes up time. Blogging takes a back seat to wedding sex. Now go back to bed with your hubs and stop reading this!
This was so funny, needed a laugh,remember to laugh- Cheers
I’m glad it gave you a laugh! That saves me.
Merry Christmas and Happy new year !! Your life seems to be Rocking !!
Thank you, Rahul! And likewise 🙂
Yeah, I don’t know what it is but I haven’t even had the slightest impulse to come up with a new post since Christmas. Maybe we should build a ceremonial fire and all hold hands and do some kind of, like, blogging inspiration rain dance.
Or we could just all get drunk together. I’m good with that too.
I usually combine those two things– the ceremonial fire and the drunkeness. Or maybe I just light candles and drink bottles of wine. It’s fuzzy.
But yes– I think this shite needs fixing. Must remedy. Must inspire.
WOOOOOOSHHHH! INSPIRATION!
(can you feel it?)
Glad you made an appearance sweets! We know you will be back.. like Michelle said, you been a little busy with the move, new job, new marriage etc! We shall be waiting for you!
ps if you are going to trespass again, don’t get caught!!! 😀
Usually when I trespass, I want to get caught 😉
And yes, it’s true. Many life changes. All good things. I just need some of them to go tragically awry so I can blog about them…
wow, sounds like an entire army of kansasian (?) bloggers in the house. come back to visit us in the blog universe when you’re ready, aussa.
I know! Who knew. I should have been paying better attention to my Google Analytics. And by paying better attention I mean bothering to login…
Happy New Year, Aussa! Don’t feel bad about not blogging. I gave myself the same guilt trip in 2014 during the holidays. In 2015 I purposely put my followers on notice that I’d be ghost until well after the New Year. Everyone needs a break sometimes, and even anti-social people like us feel obligated to accept invitations during the Season. Just showing up takes a lot out us. Then to be actually expected to blog about it: team too much!
“Team Too Much,” hahahaha I love that. I will use it. Probably too much.
And you’re right– a break is good. I feel like I need a break from a few things right now… which doesn’t really make sense, because I just enjoyed a few weeks of unemployment. But it is what it is. Too. Many. Humans.
Hmm, where to begin. OH – The HAIR ack the HAIR in the fries.
Question: Did you have trouble getting Zola to go in the snow? My dog, Max, never saw snow before, and while he LOVES it, he couldn’t figure out where to go. It took him a couple days to figure it out.
https://loreezlane.wordpress.com/2015/11/20/humor-me/
Oh my gosh, she LOVES the snow. All she wants to do is frolick and eat the entire white fluffy world.
Now, water? Zola doesn’t understand water. Tries to walk on it. This would be a funny time to say “Jesus.” but I really can’t. Even just in that explanation of what would have otherwise been a funny joke, I feel a little terrible.
Oh, Max loves the snow too. He also tries to eat it. I meant that he has a hard time figuring out where to drop his “stuff” on the white stuff. Ha. The grass had disappeared! It took a while to get him to do it.
I used to say that my last dog (Piezon) walked on water, in a Jesus sort of way, because he was my hero. Zola can do the same. 😛
Sooooo very funny!
All of it.
But # 4?….
Freaking HILARIOUS!!!!
I live in the mountains but now I need a surf shirt so I will can smile at the HNHS blog joke on crappy days.
Like today…….
I’m glad I’m not the only one! I think I got tears in my eyes when I first saw that meme. And Alex was just looking at me like I kicked a kitten.
Glad to see you back. Busy life stands in a bloggers way like a giant impenetrable wall sometimes. I can relate as well. I must say that I also love the grampa meme. Its funny because it isn’t OUR grampa and random stuff like that just IS funny sometimes. Just like Monty Python, and the Three Stooges. Harmless but hilarious. It becomes not funny when we try to explain it. Just let the j\laughter happen but keep it down around those who question why? LOL.
Hope your busy life allows you time to catch us up once in a while. Be well and live a mile high!!!!
Just let the laughter happen. Not j/laughter whatever the hell that is. LOL. Stupid fucking keyboard and its fucking bullshit random keystroke additions. LMAO
Hahahaha! Omg I’m having the worst night and this comment just made me laugh out kid.
I am always glad to help. Keep smiling.
You not blogging means less that I have to catch up on. I have not been online much at all lately.
We should remedy this. Because the internet is where it’s at.
Miss your awesome posts. Hope you settle in and find the time again soon!
Thank you! I can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel…
Also: Are you going to BlogU this year? Sorry if this is obvious via Facebook– I miss everything lately.
I hope so! I’m trying to convince Momus we need to go. I’d put it around 70% right now. Cross your fingers for me!
I was thinking of starting a list of things I’ve learned. Most recently I learned that the overhead door on the garage will close completely even if you have a fingertip in between the panels. I strongly suggest you take my word for this, and not try it at home. I am still looking for a full time job, while working full time in the grocery store, which should be a big enough kick in the ass but apparently it also sparks the desire for alcohol…..which, just for the record, wasn’t involved while manually closing said garage door…..
That’s what I been doin Aussa. Nice to catch up! 😀
No. That sounds terrible. How is your finger? 🙁
One of the most enduring stories from my childhood is about me getting my head squished between the concrete and the garage door. This actually explains a lot, I think.
Well, I am quite fashionable it would seem, having one nail a different color from the rest. We are having bets on if I will lose it. I am in denial.
So happy we didn’t have a garage when I was young as I am sure I would have wonderful stories of adventures with all matter of garage type fodder……
I feel you. I set up myself with some goals this year to write more, get my blog going again, and to find a job that sucks less than my current one. Thus far, due to shifting into “get the hell out of Dodge” mode with the job situation, these goals have been somewhat contradictory. And I can’t blog about the job search until it’s done, because I’m paranoid about which of my coworkers have found my blog.
I feel you on that. I want to blog about the random people I’ve interviewed (many of whom were craaaaazy and/or terrible liars) but I’m like… what if. Oh, the What Ifs of telling your life on the internets.
I’m totally going to steal that gramps meme because it is awesome and that is how I might talk to my grandchildren some day.
It is all yours. One of my blogger friends here in Denver has started texting like that. “Got to pick up milk. Stupid fucking bullshit milk with it’s fucking screw on cap.”
OMG That meme is hilarious.
I had to come back to remember which one this was and I am laughing again. My heart is warm.