I never thought I would miss the psych ward. Remember how I rode out of there– with my “Like a Boss” t-shirt and a cloud of “Bye Felicia” memes raining down upon the internets? Yet here I am, looking back in fond memory on that most toxic of workplaces like it’s some secret garden I’ve misplaced in a wall of ivy.
Maybe. Maybe not. Every new person, every new situation, comes with it’s own peculiar set of crazy. Add in the Aussa Multiplier and a trip to buy a bagel becomes a feature-length story of overcoming odds and humiliating yourself in as-yet-unseen ways.
And I buy a lot of baked items.
I think I liked it when the crazy was pre-determined and easy to anticipate. The second I drove onto the hospital campus I knew it was only a matter of time before something ridiculous happened. Now my life is completely devoid of the following:
1. Equally Assured Incompetence: There’s no reason to worry about whether you actually know what you’re doing when the guy in charge of security has his guards walking around dressed like clowns and can’t pronounce words like “milieu,” “emergency,” or “hospital.”
2. No Dress Code: When the Director of Finance clomps around in 3-for-$10 hooker shoes that she buys at a store where “you have to wear sweats so no one jumps you in the parking lot,” then you don’t really have to worry about basic things like looking professional or practicing basic hygiene.
3. Wild Card Bullshit: My life is empty without the possibility that someone might accuse me of showing them my vulva. It used to be that I woke on a Tuesday knowing there was a chance someone would walk into my office with a disembodied arm or antique Brailler. Now all I do is answer phone calls and make spreadsheets.
4. The Ugliest Decor You Have Ever Seen: I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to walk past a decommissioned bathroom stacked high with cases of Dr. Pepper. I think my recent lack of sarcasm and cynicism is due entirely to the fact I’m no longer inundated with motivational posters about how we are all one village that is soaring over opportunity like a bald eagle.
5. A Severe Lack of Responsibility: I can’t tell you the last time I spent an entire morning illustrating my morning with stolen office supplies. I no longer see every single thing that is posted on every single page of Facebook. I sometimes get too distracted to remember that everyone on Twitter is interested in my every thought. For some reason my new job doesn’t come with built in excuses to go buy shite at Dollar Tree or walk around looking for ways people might hurt themselves.
I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but damn. I’m going to have to see what I can do to start re-incorporating some of what I’ve been missing. Maybe a well-written Craigslist ad will do?
Craigslist>Personals>Woman Seeking Woman:
“Unwashed redhead seeks professional mentor who pisses in restaurant glasses.”
My life is now void
Of sexual harassment
This is so boring
“Is anyone willing to force their stupidity on me at inopportune times? Bonus points if you use a stock photo to illustrate some made up story about how people who don’t speak English are terrorists.”
“New Denver transplant seeks likeminded friends with Office Fortress-building skills.”
I’ll let you know how these work out. I’m open to any and all suggestions.
Would you like a little more crazy in your life? What’s the weirdest Craigslist ad you’ve ever seen? Do you ever miss situations you couldn’t wait to escape from?
Want to keep in touch? Drop your email below and I'll send you FULL POSTS anytime I write something new. Only want to know book news? Get on the list here.