I wanted to tell you about this last weekend, but I couldn’t type through my hangover. I don’t mention this in a braggy sorostitute way, like “oh man I got so wasted” but in a much tamer, almost-30-years-old, buy me some Advil and a loaf of bread sort of way.
But seriously man, I got so wasted. Let’s start at the beginning:
Chapter One: The Dive Bar
Alex played chauffeur for fellow writer Jessica Ziegler and I. Then, like all married men, he happily had the rest of the night to do the sorts of disgusting things I never let him do. Like eat Mexican food.
Chapter Two: Dinner
Jessica and I met up with a few more talented women and I bought two bottles of wine, most of which I drank myself.
Chapter Three: Uber Ride #1
I remember almost everything about this car ride.
Chapter Four: The Gay Bar
This was very different than any other loud music dancing place I’d ever been to.
- No one said “hey girl you gotta man?”
- No part of me was fondled.
- Everyone actually knew how to dance.
- The drinks were very very strong.
Chapter Five: The Drinks
Apparently if a guy buys your drink at the gar bar, it’s just a big cup full of liquor. I know this to be 100% fact because it happened 27 times in a row.
Chapter Six: All The Drinks
I drank them.
Chapter Seven: Toilet
I sort of remember this but I may have just created the memory based on suggestion and conjecture.
Chapter Eight: Uber Ride #2
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Nine: Alex
Alex was waiting back at the dive bar, sober and full of enchiladas. There were about four cars in the parking lot but I still stood next to his while he talked to me on the phone, telling me to look at the car about 18 inches to my right. Eventually he rolled the window down and I leaned into it yelling “My loves!”
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Nine: Driving
I told Alex all about how much I loved the gay bar. Everyone seemed so at ease. No one hit on me and my self-esteem didn’t even mind. I became incredibly emotional as I passionately recounted the tragic ending of The Imitation Game, and then repeatedly said how much I loved him.
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Ten: The Garage
Alex put his car in park and pulled the key from the ignition. I kept talking about how amazing it is to have someone give you a drink without having to look into their eyes for an “I just roofied you” expression. Then he opened the door.
“Are you leaving me?!” I began to panic.
“No, we’re just home.”
“Oh!”
I was incredibly happy again. Alex was incredibly sleepy. It was 2AM.
Our parking spot was about ten feet from the door and I made him work for every single one of those feet. I leaned against the trunk of his car and started telling him about how good all the dancers were.
“I know,” he said, trying to guide me.
I obediently followed after him for a moment before stopping and then running up to tackle him from behind.
“I love you!”
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Eleven: The Pillar
I slammed the full force of my body into this concrete pillar:
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Eleven: The Fire Extinguisher
I tackle-hugged Alex again while he struggled to get the door unlocked. He told me he loved me too and this made me so happy that I stumbled to the side and rammed my shoulder into this janky fire extinguisher:
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Twelve: The Lobby
There was another tackle hug. Which I do not remember. At all.
Chapter Thirteen: The Stairs
Overwhelmed by my love for Alex, gay people, and good dancers, I decided to chill for a bit and lean against the railing so I could adequately express myself. Alex took me by the shoulders and we both walked up sideways, one step at a time. At the top of the stairs there was another tackle hug because Alex is just the best and so nice and “wasn’t our wedding the most magical ever?”
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Fourteen: Home
Alex says he’s never felt as much relief as in the moment he got me through the door and locked it behind me. He also says Zola has never looked so concerned as she did while I spun around the apartment, telling everyone and everything how much I loved them.
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Fifteen: Video
At some point Alex decided he needed to record what was going on. Due to my crippling self-doubt and reasonable sense of shame, I don’t think I can share the video with you. But it goes something like this:
Aussa throws her coat on top of a piece of furniture that is not meant to hold clothing.
“Jessica Ziegler badass!”
I saunter over to the bed and plop down.
“She’s mazing friends.”
I hiccup loudly.
“Do you have the hiccups?” Alex asks, and I recognize that tone of voice. The egging-on voice of someone who will never let me have access to his phone again, because this video will never be deleted.
“Hcups,” I agree, nodding so dramatically that I fall off the side of the bed. Alex stops recording but not before I hear the start of a laugh.
I do not remember this at all.
Chapter Sixteen: Morning
I wake up.
First thought: “I can feel makeup on my face. I am going to get wrinkles.”
Second thought: “How did I get home last night?”
I lean over the side of the bed and see my brand new dry-clean-only shirt crumpled on top of a pair of jeans with my shoes on top.
Third thought: SHAME.
I realize I’m squinting, which means I managed to take my contacts out before passing out.
Fourth thought: PRIDE.
Alex rolls over. I can’t wait to talk to him about how much fun I had last night.
“Everyone could dance—“ I start, but he nods his head.
“Oh, I know. You told me all about it.”
“And the drinks were so—“
He nods again, a knowing look in his eye.
I suddenly want to talk about The Imitation Game, and I’m not really sure why. My shoulder feels like it’s developing a bruise and I’m also not sure why.
“I do not remember how last night ended,” I said. “at all.”
“Oh but I do,” he said. “I remember everything.”
And I don’t think he’s ever going to let me forget it.
When was the last time you had way too much to drink? What does your significant other do when you’re not around? Do you have any good memories that you don’t actually remember?
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FIRST! 😀
Haha! Well done.
Oh dear, I’m still not living down the time I had my husband pick me up from the bar. We were supposed to be at my parents later for dinner. I had to make him stop so I could get out and “yell at my shoes,” right in front of the neighbor’s house. I didn’t make it to my parents. That was about 12 years ago. Every time we pass that house (which is pretty much every day), he reminds me.
I think that’s what lasting marriages are made of, really, reminding your loved one of that time he/she was icky drunk. Hope the hangover didn’t last too long.
Hahahahaha you had to yell at your shoes. I just gave myself a coughing fit over that.
And you’re right– why doesn’t anyone ever write that in the marriage books??? We should.
HAHAHAHAHA OMG I love you so much. I’ve been here. It’s been a while…but I am very old.
I wouldn’t mind putting a few more years behind me before I go there again.
Yay! For reals first! Okay. Now my story. Last time I drank too much – my bday party last week. I had 4 drinks, but I a) had not eaten dinner and b) chugged TWO half pints of a raspberry sour within 5 minutes. These are my excuses.
But the last time I was really wicked drunk… this past summer, I know it was the eclipse because I remember being drunk and staring at the sky. I remember chugging grapefruit soda with grapefruit vodka (which, BTW, was amazeballs and I need some right now, but I digress). I remember the friend I was with telling me all about her recent divorce… and feeling very compassionate and like this was totally relatable (I got drunk and said lots of things about my divorce after it happened). I was quiet, because when I’m with people I don’t know and get drunk/drink at all, I’m the quiet one. When I’m with friends, I say lots of outrageous and gregarious things I never would say usually.
Kevin and I walked home. We might have tried to do naughty things behind a bush on the way. We weaved (literally) our way back to our apt and collapsed into bed… probably after more naughty things but I can’t remember. 😛 This was all before 9pm.
To clarify – friend I was with was more friends of Kevin than mine, thus the “being quiet” part. 😛 she’s still a friend, just closer with my boyfriend.
I love the ‘FIRST’ 🙂 Made me happy-jealous 🙂
Um, I am the SAME way. And so is Alex. My friends who meet him for the first time are always like “I can’t get a read on him…” Ha.
I like pips and eawws
I love that you were chugging drinks during the eclipse because that was the same night of the Dallas SW meetup 🙂 So it’s like you were with us in spirit because we were doing the exact same thing.
I love that all of this occurred before 9PM. Oh, adulthood!
I love everything about this. I love it when Brian takes care of me when I’m shmammered. He’s really good at that.
I have zero trouble imagining this exact same situation playing out with you and Brian 😀
Remind me to show you the pictures from one such night. They are baaaaaad. Lol.
I want to see the video. Does Alex take bribes?
I’m in for half!
I suspect this is the beginning of a successful Kickstarter proposal…
Profit sharing. I like it. I wonder how long she can ‘put out?’ Shirley Jackson’s husband kept her drunk and stoned cuz he thought she wrote better… Hmmmnn.
Alex?
Alex has been disinvited from this conversation.
He’s read too much of my blog to cross me 😉
The last time I got drunk my husband threw me over his shoulder and drove me to detox. It’s not hazy enough… but the Librium was good 🙂
Oh dear!
one time after drinking a carafe of ‘gilliigan’s island’ _ (cheap version of a long island) after a tasting fight of beers, and watching comedy, i stood up and laid down on the cool concrete. and puked on my date’s shoes and told him how cute he looked holding my purse.
Hahahaha! Best story. I love that there is a cheap LIT. I had no idea. And puking on a guy’s shoes should be on the bingo card for transitioning into adulthood.
I’ve had many nights like that. So many that I kinda want to puke thinking of your hangover. I haven’t had a night like that in a long time. Maybe last fall, at a concert. My husband took pictures of me sleeping in our bathroom. The rug looked so comfortable.
I laughed out loud when I read this comment shortly after you posted it. So funny. “The rug looked so comfortable” works for almost everything when you’re drunk. Just fill in the blank: grass, floor of the parking garage, the dog, etc.
At least you chose the comfy rug! Rumor has it around here I sleep on the toilet. I’m pretty sure they have made these stories up though….
I love this post so hard, start to finish.
Were I nearby, I’d take you out for a drink.
The world’s not so big, we can probably make this happen at some point!
Oh my goodness Aussa, this made me laugh so hard all the way through (as I drink my way through my own bottle of wine) and I wish we were in the same country/city! Would love to hit up a gay bar with you!
YES. We should make it happen. Glad it made you laugh. I thought it was funny when it stopped hurting 😉
LOL….ah when I was young. I have to admit I have never gotten so drunk I didn’t remember anything. I have gotten so drunk that I didn’t care….but I did remember I didn’t care. That was many moons ago. Now I just read youngsters versions of getting drunk. 😉
I wish I didn’t forget things! It’s been this way ever since I had a concussion when I was 23. I must have permanently destroyed whatever part of the brain makes memories while you’re schwasted 😉
Ah. To have someone to fill you in on the blackout parts. I was never so lucky. By the next day, he was long gone. Ok, it happened. Once. I can’t give all the details (partly because I don’t remember them all, and partly because I refuse to tell the part I do remember), but it involved a submarine in Italy, Naples I believe. And it involved too many cans of Grolsch (courtesy of the British Navy). Did you know that at least back in 1992, British sailors still received a ration of booze? The guys explained that they would save up their rations so they could party like it was 1999 once they reached port.
I was waiting to hear the part about your praying to the porcelain God.
That’s interesting that they received beer rations! I would do the exact same thing. And your stories always sound so glamorous… even when they involve a blackout.
Amazingly, I never got sick. That was the universe’s one mercy.
Hi Aussa, remember me? I have a few minutes of internet access and I wanted to say hi, and that I don’t really drink alcohol, but one time when I did, I took my contact lenses out in the dark, and couldn’t tell whether I had the left and right ones in their proper cases the next morning… My awesome friend Sara is loaning me her laptop tonight, so maybe I can stop by more often for a while.
Um, hello, yes I remember you! Was wondering how you were getting on. Are you living off the grid now?
And taking out contacts can cause so many issues. My favorite is when I put two contacts in the same eye. While sober. It’s happened more than once.
Off the grid as in there was a fire in this gawdawful building in late November and we haven’t had electricity here since. We’re supposed to be moving out of here tomorrow, so perhaps I’ll be gridded again soon. Two in the same eye is one more than I ever managed. A small word of contact lens advice: don’t chop habanero peppers if you wear them. Even with plastic gloves on, even many hours (and hand washings) before you remove them. Just don’t.
I feel like I once did something similar to the habanero thing… I can’t think of it right now. I may have blocked out the memory for a reason.
And a fire?! That’s scary. I hope the move goes well. The internet needs you!
Thank you for saying so, it means a lot to me.
We had a party at our house for a celebration of job success. We had splurged on bottles of champagne for everyone (several cases worth), and I hadn’t managed to eat before the party started. We hosted the party in our wedding outfits – him in his tux and me in my floor-length scarlet o’hara style dress with a bustle. By the end of the night (circa 2 am, started at 7 pm) I had managed to wedge myself between the toilet and the bathtub, pull down the shower curtain, and somehow had put on boxer shorts. holy crap that was a great party!
Sounds like it! Hilarious. That is a video I would like to see… or even a painting of it. I could totally see a painting of that scene.
This weekend I was sober and just convinced an entire room of women at ladies ski day that I was so loaded they wanted to call someone to help. I think it was because I had my skirt tucked into my panties and I fell over a chair and showed my ass. But that is just conjecture. (We were a bridal party and I was The Hot Mess bridesmaid–we won the contest but I think our pregnant smoking bride might have set us over the edge). I spent the night telling everyone how much I loved them and I have a mystery bruise on my left knee. Samesies without the Advil. Fun story and thanks Alex for getting Aussa home safely.
No no no really? Did this really happen? This is my worst nightmare. And not even because I’m modest. If I had a great ass, I would probably intentionally tuck my dress into my undergarments. But I don’t. I would die if someone saw all that biznass.
My mystery bruise raises a toast to your mystery bruise.
Ahh how well do I remember the Lost Evenings……well not very well at all, but I know they existed. LOL. Good times Aussa. The hangover must have been brutal, but sometimes you just gotta live life.
Also, you are the HNHS so I bet you could find a way to make that phone video vanish if you are so inclined. LOL.
The hangover was brutal. I’m usually productive every minute of Sunday but I spent about 5 hours just watching “Making a Murderer” on the couch, drinking water. Ha!
And that’s true about disappearing the video… but then of course I would have to touch his android. Ew.
I’m new here, but this is the perfect beginning.
When my daughter was a teen, every summer we used to take her to a guest ranch in northern B.C. After a couple of years, we became pretty friendly with the owners and the ranch hands.
So, one spring day we decided to head up there for 2 days to drop off a rabbit (different, weirder story). We took my daughter and her friend so we could all do some horseback riding.
We had dinner with the ranch owner and the ranch hand, and then we had wine, and more wine, and rum and cokes (I think?). I remember inviting them all to our house for the summer, while my husband gave me the stink eye. I wandered outside, found a frog on the path, and proceeded to carry it around for a while. Did I mention it was pouring rain, and I was wearing slippers? Eventually I guess they schlepped me back to our cabin.
The next morning, I was SICK. My cabin-mates went for a hearty ranch breakfast while I tried to look less green. Matt the ranch hand knocked on the door and told me my horse was ready. Did I mention how sick I was? For the sake of my dignity, I had to pretend I was FINE. My daughter and her friend were still laughing. So I got on my horse and off we went. Let me tell you what a monumental effort it was to keep my stomach where it belonged.
Soon enough, we happened upon some cattle. Matt sighed. I asked him what was wrong and he motioned me forward. “Look at that cow. Have you ever seen a prolapsed uterus before? Now we have to help her.” The End.
Hahahaha I love that you invited them to your home for the summer. We would be such nice fun welcoming drunkards together. And I can’t imagine anything more horrifying than having to ride a horse while nursing a hangover. Nope nope nope.
One time I got drunk at a gay strip bar in Germany. When I went in there, it was practically empty. By the time I realized the place was filling up and I was the only woman in there, I could barely stand up. So I just pretended to be cool and enjoy the show. 🙂
I just love love love that you went into a practically empty gay strip bar in a foreign country.
You are so funny. I haven’t been that drunk too many times in my life, but even then I remember almost everything. Fortunately I do not have black outs. That would be bad for me! It’s good you have Alex and friends to take care of you. But those hangovers are killer!! Did you remember my formula for hangovers??? LOL! It would have totally knocked the edge off…
I need the formula again, Courtney!!! I remember doing it after my friend’s bachelorette party but I didn’t save it! I know it involved mucinex, so I usually pop a mucinex the morning after. But I’ve forgotten everything else!
“Janky” — hahahaha! Love it! Perfect adjective for that fire extinguisher box!
There are a few janky things around here, if I’m being honest…
I have film of my husband coming home – no matter what I do, it cannot be that bad. I think.
I love it. I love that this is what spouses do to each other now. What did they use back in the day? Memories and adjectives?
ok, you don’t have to post the video, you can just email it to me! I have so many fun stories like this I don’t even know where to start! Some with some not-so-happy endings…. Once I passed out while walking, my girlfriend thought I died and called for help. I have vague memories of being stitched up in the ER and taking pieces of teeth out the next morning…… not so good…. but I think that was the worst one….
When my ex proposed to me we were on some kind of weird game road trip, we drove west, stopping at every bar we saw, supposedly for one drink. Till we hit about the 4th one, where we made friends and started having too much fun. But we managed to continue on, across the Mississippi River to somewhere in Iowa… (from Chicago) The proposal was at the end of the westward journey at some motel in Iowa. Breakfast the next morning didn’t work. Iced Tea and I couldn’t drink that. He had a nice breakfast and laughed at me. There were multiple stops on the way home. “Pull over! I think I am gonna hurl!”
Oh what fun!
Oh my goodness, haha! Um, I have my own night that should have ended in stitches. Or staples. Never again! Gah. It’s amazing, the things we survive!!!
So what you’re saying is…..I should really see The Imitation Game.
YES. Yes you should.
I’m not a drinker (because I am super lame), but I did get drunk this one time when I went out for a friend’s celebrating. My then-fiance (now husband) jokingly said, “Do NOT show your boobs to anyone.” It was a joke, because I’ve never, ever, ever, ever in my life flashed anyone or anything. I don’t have the sort of self-confidence for that shit. Then, at the bar, people started buying me shots. I’m Midwestern and super polite and can’t say no. I drank so. g. d. much. And what’s the first thing I did? I flashed the ATM in the parking lot. I… just… I don’t know. I just don’t know, Aussa…. I don’t know why I would do that. WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
My husband could be mad at me, but not too long before my machine-flashing went down, he got drunk at his sister’s wedding (where, as a groomsman, he was dressed in full Scottish regalia), and he lifted his kilt and flashed everybody WHILE PUKING INTO HIS KILT.
Long story short: We don’t really drink much. Okay, so he does. But not when he’s wearing a skirt.
You flashed the ATM?! Ahhh hahahaha you know someone, somewhere, who monitors those cameras has saved your photo forever :). I mean. Hopefully.
And the puking into the kilt thing sounds like a scene from a movie. I’m trying to follow that scene to its next possible conclusion and everything just sounds wonderfully horrifying.
Oh. My. God.
I didn’t even think of that.
Honestly, I really and truthfully hope there is surveillance footage out there somewhere, because my tits were a thing of pure glory when I was 25. Pure and epic glory. Now, they’re, you know, 31-year-old tits, which means they can’t go wrong, but they’re not nearly as right as they were.
So, asking for a friend: how do you request a bank’s ATM footage?
Also, everybody should see The Imitation Game. It could be called Earnest Goes To The Moon, and I’d still watch it, because, duh, Benedict.
BENEDICT. I agree. But that movie. I had no idea what was coming and didn’t know anything about the story in advance. I was so caught off guard I just sat there and ugly cried for like 20 minutes while movie theatre employees swept up the tear sprinkled popcorn around me.
Oh my gosh!!!! Yeah, I’m married to the world’s geekiest computer dude, so I knew the story. I can only imagine how crazy it was to watch it without knowing the backstory!!! Ahhh! I’m jealous! That would’ve made it so much more enjoyable (and it was already interesting.)
Conclusion: My husband ruined the ideal movie watching experience for me by TEACHING me things about computer history. Rat bastard.
Ooooh! Last comment, I promise: I *also* have a video of him puking into his kilt! It’s on an old iPhone that I refuse to discard for exactly that reason. And now I really am done.
You do not! You must back it up to the cloud. For all of us.
I think I am going to make a blog post out of it. In fact, I think this is a must.
Yes you absolutely must.
I haven’t had any drinks since April last year but this post has made me realise that I actually kind of miss it. I can’t really remember the last time I was properly wasted though. This makes me sad. When I am not around Mr O watches lots of war documentaries and eats foods I do not approve of… like pork rinds.
Pork rinds and war documentaries. Yep, sounds about right!
I have had a couple of these types of nights recently….be thankful you didn’t misplace your wallet! Ha ha!!!
Right?! I didn’t even leave my coat at the bar. I was apparently very proud of this fact too. It’s in the video.
The last time I was really and truly drunk was about a year ago, before some kind sweet bartender informed me that altitude destroys your alcohol tolerance and since I was wobbly on my feet after only 2 beers, he didn’t think I should have any more.
Never tell a redhead she can’t do something. It was a long night for me and the hubs. And probably that bartender who was just trying to look out for my liver.
Ha! Yeah I remember the first time I drank here… I was meeting Laurie Works (another blogger) from Colorado Springs… There were many many beers. Way more than were needed.
Also, just FYI, that thing on the left side of my screen that says “76 Aussome People” above six different ways to share the page on social media? It blocks the first few letters of your blog post, leaving about an inch at the bottom to read them as they scroll by. The comment section has a wider margin, so it doesn’t get in the way there. I never noticed this on my either of my old computers, so possibly it could have something to do with this awesome Toshiba laptop Sara gave me, but I thought I would tell you anyway just in case.
Oh. Really?! I didn’t know. It has space on my mac. Stupid stupid thing. I will have to do some site tweaking. Thank you for letting me know! What browser are you in?
Firefox, which your blog works fine on now on my new laptop (thank you Sara!).
Mmm Costco sandwiches…
I don’t want to sound like a whiney complainer here, but I just got your new post “Places I Never Thought Marriage Would Take Me” in my inbox, but not over here. So I can’t comment on it. WAAAA!!!! *grip grip grip get a grip* OK. All right. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you about that and wish you a happy Valentine’s Day…
I know! I know! I was having a panic attack at Whole Foods (omg first world stopit). I forgot to actually schedule the post. But it’s up now! And my marriage is on the rocks because I was like DRIVE FASTER ALEX DRIVE.
Haha I missed this one… Brilliant. We need to go out sometime. In life. Like, maybe before we’re 40 so we survive the hangover (or at least increase our chances).
I can’t remember the last time I was that hungover, and I hope it IS the last time.
Yes! Let’s go out. Come to Denver?! Or I suppose I could be persuaded to come to your part of the world, if my arm were twisted 😉
Ps the contacts thing. Don’t I know it.
When was the last time I had too much to drink? Lol. What day is it again? I like to drink all the drinks too! I’m glad you didn’t drive drunk, because that’s just plain stupid. I have cow costume that I’ve owned and worn each Halloween I didn’t have to work for over 20 years now. I once wore it to a gay bar in Pasadena, California. Over 20 years ago I was thin and trim and even semi-handsome in some circles. The costume has utters…rubber utters right where you’d think they’d be. I know what a woman feels like in most bars now and I’m very very sorry that you all have to go through that.
We’ve all been there. This amused me a good deal.