I’ve heard a lot of conflicting things about marriage. Some people act like it’s a Disney Princess life of passionate kisses and libraries with ladders. Others say it’s the death of intimacy, the birth of resentment and it’s only redeeming quality is as a crucible through which you purify each other’s souls. I’ve found all of these to be true.
Obviously I’ve been an expert on marriage since before I ever got in one, but there are a few things I’ve still managed to learn:
Keeping Passion Alive
The death of sex must come after the first year, because Alex and I are still finding new ways to excite and pleasure each other.
Just the other morning I was laying on my stomach, naked and tangled in the sheets. My hair poured down my back and I was the very picture of wild and willing. Alex slowly pulled back the covers and ran his hand down my back… lower…. and lower… until he started jiggling my ass fat, watching it ripple up my fleshy back and down my dimpled thighs like the shock wave after a nuclear explosion.
The bed was literally shaking.
Syncing Your Sex Drives
Last weekend our bodies were pressed against each other in the basement of a crowded bar. We both leaned in to whisper in the other’s ear:
Me: “Maybe I should blow you.”
Him: “I’m about to pee all over myself.”
Because it’s important to keep trying, this happened the following night:
Me: “I’m drunk, I think you should take advantage of me.”
Him: *sneezes with all the glory of a prolonged sinus infection*
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Having a spouse means you have someone to talk to all the time. You can bring anything up. It’s all about honesty and openness and nothing is off limits. Granted, it took us about 9 months to get to this point, but we finally had one of the more important conversations a couple can have:
Me: “I took a dump in my boss’s toilet because he was on vacation.”
Him: “What took you so long?”
Me: “I can’t do that if other people are around.”
Him: “Oh, I prefer to do it at work. There’s granite counter tops and I don’t have to touch anything. The toilet automatically flushes, the soap comes out with the water, and all I have to do is touch a paper towel.”
Me: “In a public toilet? That’s the last place I can do it.”
Him: “It’s everyone else’s responsibility to leave if they don’t want to be involved. Men take care of what needs to happen.”
Spicing it Up
At some point, you have to introduce new things into the bedroom to keep that spark alive. I don’t want to write things off, but my first experience with a threesome was so awful that I never planned on trying again. Thankfully I can always be forced to violate my own boundaries, so when Zola learned how to open our bedroom door and surprised us mid-adult-hugging. I’ve always been a big fan of incorporating laughter into the bedroom but I didn’t realize having another entity in on the act would be so much fun– especially when you’re gazing into the eyes of your partner as the slobbery snout of a canine goes exploring up his arse. Trust me, you never want to stop trying new things.
Where do you weigh in on the bathroom debate? What do you think is the key to a successful relationship? Have you tried anything interesting in the bedroom?
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