I’ve heard a lot of conflicting things about marriage. Some people act like it’s a Disney Princess life of passionate kisses and libraries with ladders. Others say it’s the death of intimacy, the birth of resentment and it’s only redeeming quality is as a crucible through which you purify each other’s souls. I’ve found all of these to be true.
Obviously I’ve been an expert on marriage since before I ever got in one, but there are a few things I’ve still managed to learn:
Keeping Passion Alive
The death of sex must come after the first year, because Alex and I are still finding new ways to excite and pleasure each other.
Just the other morning I was laying on my stomach, naked and tangled in the sheets. My hair poured down my back and I was the very picture of wild and willing. Alex slowly pulled back the covers and ran his hand down my back… lower…. and lower… until he started jiggling my ass fat, watching it ripple up my fleshy back and down my dimpled thighs like the shock wave after a nuclear explosion.
The bed was literally shaking.
Syncing Your Sex Drives
Last weekend our bodies were pressed against each other in the basement of a crowded bar. We both leaned in to whisper in the other’s ear:
Me: “Maybe I should blow you.”
Him: “I’m about to pee all over myself.”
Because it’s important to keep trying, this happened the following night:
Me: “I’m drunk, I think you should take advantage of me.”
Him: *sneezes with all the glory of a prolonged sinus infection*
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Having a spouse means you have someone to talk to all the time. You can bring anything up. It’s all about honesty and openness and nothing is off limits. Granted, it took us about 9 months to get to this point, but we finally had one of the more important conversations a couple can have:
Me: “I took a dump in my boss’s toilet because he was on vacation.”
Him: “What took you so long?”
Me: “I can’t do that if other people are around.”
Him: “Oh, I prefer to do it at work. There’s granite counter tops and I don’t have to touch anything. The toilet automatically flushes, the soap comes out with the water, and all I have to do is touch a paper towel.”
Me: “In a public toilet? That’s the last place I can do it.”
Him: “It’s everyone else’s responsibility to leave if they don’t want to be involved. Men take care of what needs to happen.”
Spicing it Up
At some point, you have to introduce new things into the bedroom to keep that spark alive. I don’t want to write things off, but my first experience with a threesome was so awful that I never planned on trying again. Thankfully I can always be forced to violate my own boundaries, so when Zola learned how to open our bedroom door and joined us mid-adult-hugging, I decided to just go with it. I’ve always been a big fan of incorporating laughter into the bedroom but I didn’t realize having another woman in on the act would be so much fun– especially when you’re gazing into the eyes of your partner as the slobbery snout of a canine goes exploring up his ass. Trust me, you never want to stop trying new things.
Where do you weigh in on the bathroom debate? What do you think is the key to a successful relationship? Have you tried anything interesting in the bedroom?
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There is nothing that will keep a marriage together like a threesome of you, your lover and a dog’s cold nose. LOL Been there a few times. 😉
You got this marriage thing down pat girl. But…..from someone who has been around the block a few dozen times and married twice you got a whole lot more ….um…FUN things to look forward to…..yes…that’s the word….fun…..gotta go!
This sounds very ominous… don’t hold back on me now…
We’ve kept the magic going for 21 years by me saying “Fine…but don’t take too long”.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Steve told me he had been doing exercises to increase his stamina. Which would make me happy. This is so sweet and sad.
HAHAHA Steve and Alex can bond over the oversharing happening here. He just read it next to me and was like “you said the part about blowing me? How am I supposed to ever be around your family again?”
No limits on laughter and marriage, not if you want it to last. Well, I prefer not to inhale food and laugh at the same time, but that’s just me. Glad you are finding ways to maintain your excitement. 😉
I’m so glad we have laughter. Even more than when we first began dating. I think the more time passes, the more our weird surfaces. I hope the weird wells run deep.
I was going to say something pithy and touching about how we’ve kept our marriage together for nearly 25 years, now … but my husband just said something about how he hasn’t had time to read my latest blog post since I put it out there three days ago.
So you know, I don’t think things are going to work out for us.
The best way to get him to read a post, I’ve found, is to make sure it’s all about him and also involves sex and/or other bodily functions. It’s like the universe shines a light on your little corner of the internets.
We used to have a cocker spaniel (no pun intended) that seemed far too interested in our sex life.
Haha! Aren’t they all? Zola is far too interested in my undergarments, which makes me judge her.
Also! Good to see you here.
Cold dog nose?? 😀 I’ve been there! Other observations from the state of marriage: using the toilet with the door open, clipping your toenails in front of each other, and many, many other things to numerous to mention. Besides, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. 😉
We haven’t reached the toilet with door open phase just yet… but I do make threats. It’s probably coming soon.
I love pooping at work. It pretty much means I’m getting paid to crap.
I do remember feeling this way when I had a private bathroom. But this is in his HOUSE. And there are wood floors. I am painfully aware of every loud and echoing drop of pee that leaves my body.
Never been married, and my credibility on the subject of relationships is near an all-time low, but I do have a story… What, you thought I didn’t?
I used to know a potter who called himself Woogie (his name is Rick) who had a theory about being in love. He claimed that being in love gives you a second point of view to look at the world with, so that in that state you have a sort of stereoscopic vision that makes certain things easier to see and comprehend. I don’t know how, exactly, that relates to butt-fat ripples, or lost opportunities for sneaky blow jobs, but I thought I’d tell it to you anyway, just in case you liked the idea.
I like that idea. I think I have to choose to consciously engage in it though. Too often I almost forget that Alex is this whole other human. This sounds very selfish and self-absorbed, but it’s true. I’ll be walking across my living room and see him and go over and touch his face and be like “you’re this other person” and then I wonder about what’s happening in his brain because it’s not my brain.
OMFG Are you sure you are not writing about my life? Most of this sounds exactly like what has happened to me. Sadly I have wound up with a Pit Bull’s nose exploring the depths of my ass crack. Even more sadly it is a male Pit Bull!
He was just sexually curious!
so funny and true. people who are, or who have been, married, know the real story.
Oh my gosh Alex is reading it right now. I should have giggled less while reading these comments.
I’m stuck on the pooping at work. You were TALKING about pooping at work. AFTER you were married. Lucky THAT wasn’t a deal breaker. But, his reasoning is sound. Not like jiggling ass fat through the thighs and back. That’s not sane. Now you have to walk backwards when you leave the room.
The sad thing is I already walk backwards out of the room. It’s not something I’m proud of. That will be my 2017 New Years Resolution.
The key to a successful relationship is to choose it again and again and again. To choose to be with that person. And when you’re not feeling the love, or you’re not happy, or something about your spouse or partner is driving you nuts, know that it’s something inside of YOU that is not feeling the love, or isn’t happy, or is getting pinged on. Those are the times you can choose to work on yourself, or not.
Regarding the toileting stuff, I don’t have too many hang-ups anymore. After learning to be able to go to the bathroom with people pounding on the door, having a kid (which means you go to the bathroom with the door open, having conversations with the kid as you’re going), working on a boat where my bathroom was a 5 gallon bucket, and hopping off the lawn mower for a quick squat in the back 40 (that’s what we call our large, surrounded by woods, back yard), to squatting over a trough or a hole in a number of foreign countries I’ve been to, I’ll do my business wherever I need. The funny thing is, if I’m sleeping and I have to pee, I’ll start having dreams about needing to find a toilet and either the only one I can find is out in the middle of a busy square, or every one I find is occupied, or they are fully backed up and completely overflowing.
I like your marriage advice. I feel like I should have it framed in my house or something.
And oh yes– squatting over trenches in foreign countries. Been there. I think the weirdest thing I’ve peed in was a cool whip container. Which, amazingly, is not the first time I’ve brought that up on this site.
I’ll let you in on a little secret; I’ve been with my husband for almost 21 years, but I’ve just come to learn the advice I gave you in the past few years. Makes all the difference, and not just in marriage.
As far as the matter of uninvited participants during sex goes, I’ve got nothing. Although a friend once related the tale of how his cat bit his girlfriend’s nose while they were making the beast with two backs. While that doubtlessly cooled their passion for the moment, they did end up getting married years afterwards.
But as for foreign bathrooms… The surprise isn’t with third-world amenities — although it is an act of kindness to warn travelers of the purpose the left hand has in many third-world countries. The surprise is with countries that claim to be more civilized than the US.
Toilet paper in Britain, which is easily confused with what we in America call wax paper. The quaint German expectation that one scrubs out the toilet after one has finished using it for number two. (A brush is provided for that very purpose.) I won’t comment on the practices in Scandinavia, Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, France, or Switzerland only because I haven’t visited those countries, but I expect they have their own unpleasant surprises. At least Canada has reasonably outfitted bathrooms, so we can be assured there is at least one civilized country in the world. (There are other reasons for not including the US in the list of civilized countries.)
Every country definitely has its own weird bathroomness. I’ve not encountered toilets with scrubbers that I’m expected to use. Call me soulless but NO thank you.
In SE Asia there were always little plastic pots with handles that you were supposed to dip in a big bucket of weird water and use to “flush” the squattie. Let’s just say I’m an American Ass and did not partake in that particular custom as often as I should have.
Totally relating to the non cooperation of the syncing sex drives. But I have to believe the rest of this post is fiction. Girls don’t take “Dumps”. Do they?!? Horrified expression of disbelief. LMAO
Ha! No, no, it’s all a myth. Like, as Alex called her tonight, Tinkerberry.
Funny, my girlfriend and I know her as tinkle fairy. Similarities abound. LOL
When I was married to The Loser, we both kept the bathroom door open. When I was married to Doc, we didn’t. I’m not sure why there was a difference there – but I imagine that The Loser probably peed in front of me first and then, being so young and impressionable, I figured that was the way it was done. This was probably reinforced by the fact that my mother never closed the bathroom door – I can’t begin to count the times she would call to us to come and talk to her about something…and there she would be, on the toilet, playing solitaire. It was just her thing, I guess.
I attempt NOT to poop in strange toilets – because inevitably, the toilet will clog and there will not be a plunger in sight (or in the cupboards or the linen closet – trust me, I’ve looked EVERYWHERE), so you are forced to watch in horror as the water gets higher and higher in the bowl, praying that it stops before it overflows and wondering how you can either 1) sneak out of the house without being noticed, 2) blame it on someone else, or 3) gather the courage to explain the humiliation to the owner of the toilet and ask for a plunger – knowing that forever after they are going to think you are a freak with incredibly large bowel movements (and I’m NOT, I tell you!)
As for trying something new in the bedroom to spice things up – my advice would be to try something OUTSIDE the bedroom. Not only is it incredibly hot, but the situation is fraught with the potential for disaster, which would lead to some great blog posts.
Outside of the bedroom is a very good suggestion. Though I find this more difficult now that we don’t have a yard to kick the dog into. Is this what it’s like to have children?! Or as long as I have a yard to lock them in, I’m okay…?
All I can say is that children change everything. Get in as much of the sex as you can now – because after you first have them, you are too tired and once they get mobile, they like to burst in at any moment (I know this because I walked in on my mom & dad no fewer than five times as I was growing up – why they did not use the very functional lock on their door, I don’t know. I haven’t dared ask my children if they ever walked in on me and Doc when we were together – I don’t think I want to know).
My brothers and sister in laws have told me similar horror stories! I’m going to have a lock, a Les Mis style barricade made out of bed frames and old sofas, and a moat full of crocodiles.
Mr O also loves pooping in public bathrooms and work ones. It’s definitely a boy thing.
I do like Quirky Chrissy’s perspective that it means you’re being paid to shit though…
Funny, my girlfriend and I know her as the tinkle fairy. Similarities abound. LOL
Ha!
Don’t underestimate the power of that ass-jiggling–surely you’ve heard the adolescent joke about “cushion for the pushin’?”–it’s sexy as hell, no matter how strange it seems. My wife likes it–one of many reasons I like her, and her ass.
Ha! Sound marriage advice, that.
The office poop conversation is almost VERBATIM what me and my husband talk about. His case is identical to Alex. I had to read it twice and I thought, Is Aussa in my head? Also, we have a large maine coon cat with an even bigger staring problem. What a perv.
Hahaha! I think this is just basic romance, is all.