If you’ve been searching for the meaning of life, then you can go ahead and stop. I’ll tell you what it is: Feeling superior to everyone else. The meaning of life is letting everyone else know how right you are, how together your shit is, and how magical your daily existence can be.
Don’t believe me? Just give it a try. It’s remarkably easy to feel better than everyone else.
Step One: Become obsessed with an elitist practice that used to be the norm but is now only available to people who don’t mind spending 500X the going rate for something super basic. You have a few options here.
Example #1 – Become a cloth diaper devotee and take daily photos of your babbling babe on a backdrop of adorable sheets. Not only will people be amazed at your earth-friendly approach to mothering, but they will constantly ask themselves “how many crib sheets does she own?” No one needs to know you can’t afford groceries or your car insurance, they just need to know your life is perfect.
Example #2 – Believe in the power of essential oils. Nothing says “better than you” like carrying a bag of liquids that cost more than a visit to the Emergency Room. If you’re worried the investment isn’t worth it, just remember you can bring it up about ten thousand times a day.
“I have a headache.”
Try oil of quinoa, it treats headaches.
“My aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.”
Tell her to bathe in oil de destitutes, it cures cancer. Just make sure she uses my referral link so I get a discount on my next bottle.
“My daughter is acting out in school.”
Try oil of jujuwallabee, it completely fixes that.
“I feel really bad about the situation in Syria.”
Here, sniff this oil of sanctimonium, it will make you feel much better.
Step Two: Get some politics. Develop very strong opinions based on the following trendy things that people get upset about:
- Which Lives Matter
- Women Who Don’t Vote Hilary Hate Vaginas
- Beyonce Is Okay So Long As Her Blackness Is Not Overt
Step Three: Have at least two things you’re incredibly passionate about. These will usually be things most people don’t really care about but pretend to be obsessed with:
Example #1: Adult Beverages – Learn what it means for something to be hoppy. Use phrases like “fruit of forward” and “hint of spice” and “tinged with the gonads of oppressed migrant livestock.”
Example #2: Recycling – Look at the bottom of every single plastic thing to see if it’s recyclable. Ask every single business you enter whether they recycle. Continue to throw things in the trash because it’s more convenient.
Step Four: Pick something a lot of people love, and hate it so you feel unique and in possession of a fully developed personality.
- Popular TV Shows, like Orange is the New Black or Game of Thrones
- Yoga Pants
- Other People’s Children
Step Five: Maintain a very careful social media presence.
50% of your posts should be a humble brag: “OMG I’m such a mess today” + a photo of you looking hotter than you’ve ever actually looked in real life.
20% of your posts should be subtle reminders of how fancy you are: “OMG I spilled my Evian on my new MK bag, thank goodness I have these designer hankies made from Jessica Simpson’s used panties.”
15% of your posts should be memes that humanize you to your adoring masses.
10% of your posts should be strategic shares of articles you didn’t actually read but you want people to believe you did.
5% should be passive aggressively targeted posts to let someone know you know what they don’t want you to know and you don’t give two shits except for the fact you just need to publicly post this real quick.
Do the above, and you’re well on your way to making your friends afraid to meet up, isolating your family members, and feeling incredibly good about yourself.
Do you hate anything that everyone else loves? What’s the most annoying thing you see on social media? How superior do you feel to the people around you?
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